BM telling DH how to put SD(8) to bed.
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My DH has been divorced for the last 7 years. We are starting to have sleeping/crying/I miss my mom issues with SD(8)again after over a year of no issues. Last night BM sent DH a text that he needs to 'cuddle and sleep with SD.' We are trying to establish a bedtime and help my DH to not be in her room until midnight. We don't think DH should be sleeping in SD room. My question is am I off base in thinking that the sleeping thing should no longer be happening? Also what are your thoughts on BM telling DH what should be done at his house?
No he should not be sleeping
No he should not be sleeping with sd in her bed in her room! PLEASE!
If she is having a hard that is why she is having a hard time. Kids that start off having mom or dad sleep with them are the hardest to get to stop doing that.
My nephew is 10 and he just now started by himself and it was b/c bm would do the same thing and still would if she didn't take off to be with her bf and never see them anymore.
I would ignore bm and all her 'instructions'
What about the fact that BM
What about the fact that BM sleeps with SD and this is part of why SD is having such a hard time?
We have in the past, the last time she was having a hard time coping (over a year ago), requested the BM to refrain from sleeping with SD and BM blew a fuse. Told us not to tell her how to handle things in her home.
I just want to shake her and tell her its not healthy for SD. Then I think...what if I'm wrong.
First of all I would tell BM
First of all I would tell BM to take a flying leap... and NO you are not off base your DH should not lay and coddle this young girl. She is 8 enough already, my gosh it's bedtime period. She goes to her room, you and your DH tuck her in and that's that. If your SD cries too bad, she will get over it.
My SD now 10 went through this because she was sleeping with her BM when her BM didnt have a boyfriend, it was hell but my DH told his daughter in this house when it's bedtime, it's bedtime, no playing around, no crying, no in and out of the room because you want a glass of water or you need to see if you have to go to the bathroom..it's bedtime..end of story...
Seems to me BM has created this problem and she should not be dictating what goes on in your own home... omg does every BM sleep with there kids??
Z
Your house your rules!! BM
Your house your rules!! BM sends these request trying to cause seperation. Similar issue, SD 8 has always, even on school nights been allowed to go to sleep with TV on. This is not allowed in my house, children knowing how to put themselves naturally to sleep and getting proper rest is so important. They go to bed at nine( i have 5 children) one is out of the house(20) , 15 BD, 10 BS, & 7BD and 6 BD) the three youngest girls share a room, ( 2 bd And SD). Lay down 9pm TV of at 10. When we first married she would cry and cry. My DH would get up with her and lay on the couch with SD til she was asleep. Excuse after excuse, it's a new house, new situation etc... This went on for a bit but at some point rules are rules and there in place for a reason. She now goes to bed as every one else. It was an adjustment but as I told DH , shes not 2 she is 8 for goodness sake. If the 5 year old can so can she. And know she does. She did have to be disciplend for getting up 15 times and constant crying but a few days of not bending and now the nights are soooo much better. BM still whines about it, she claims SD is afraid at night and should be allowed to have TV or Dad should be laying with her. Um, NO and blah blah. SD never complains to us about being afraid. Put your foot down!! YOur house, your rules
Then tell her the same thing
Then tell her the same thing "do not tell us how to handle things in our home'
I would say sorry but here we do not sleep with our kids. Kids know and can cope with going back and forth we do not give them enough credit. It will ok to not sleep with her. However giver her s stuffed animal or picture of dh or read to her before she goes to sleep something special to make her feel better.
Agree with everything already
Agree with everything already said. My DD was sleeping by herself as soon as she outgrew the bassinet. We had to share a room for a while, but she still had her own bed and didn't sleep with mommy. In fact, mommy went to bed about an hour after she was put down expressly for this purpose.
Last night DH read to SD for
Last night DH read to SD for 45 minutes and she still was crying when he left. We have tried to show her some relaxation techniques to calm herself. Also have given her a bedtime. DH was still with her until 11, just standing by her bed. I know that this is hard for DH and honestly its very hard on me. I miss my time with DH. I think that we need that time alone when the kids are in bed.
He has a hard time with letting her cry herself to sleep because he is worried about the rest of the house. I've told him not to worry but he does. I think that the text from BM got to him last night and he didn't want to admit it.
New update to this. BM text
New update to this. BM text SS(15) 1st thing in the am and asked if SD(8) was able to get any sleep. Can I just say WTF???? Why would you put your son in the middle of it??
How about nobody got much sleep but SS whose room is upstairs!!
She is trying to form an
She is trying to form an alliance. . .basically SS, SD and biodad against YOU! Take my word for this! I've learned this after eight years of "field research."
BM calling the shots is part
BM calling the shots is part of the PAS program. She is diminishing father's role in SD's eyes on purpose.
If SD says "mommy says" or "mommy does it this way" then father should say "well this isn't mommy's house and we do it this way here" or something to that affect.
Under no circumstances should biodad consult the BM on parenting advice if she is not willing to truly "co-parent" as this is sending the clear message that "mommy rules and daddy drools"
As far as co-sleeping is concerned, this is the number one sign of BMs who are trying to establish a symbiotic relationship with their children (read: substitute spouse) and a future predictor of the "golden uterus complex"
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-go...
It also is an attempt (often successful) for the BM to make her child a "mini spouse" to dad; with the end goal of having the child act as a spy and also as a spousal surrogate on dad's end to drive a larger wedge between you and biodad. The child then becomes aware of the power bestowed to him or her from the BM, even at a young age, and then gains "adult spousal status." in YOUR home. Which results in Junior or Princess having more of a say so under your own roof than you do.
Here are my warning signs when a biodad starts acting "guilty" intead of being a PARENT:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.