Does anyone else have the feeling they are being JUDGED all the time?
I had boyfriends with kids before I was married, even lived with a man at one point for a long time that had little children that would come over and have visists yet I never ever felt like everything I did was being judged by people all the time the way I feel now. Every move I make, everything I do or dont do is talked about amongst my dh and his kids it feels like, then by his kids with thier bm and extended family. Sometimes even from step kids to my in laws and all down that side of the family tree. We live 3 states away and yet have no privacy. I got let go of from my job a few months ago and it didnt take anytime for bio mother to know about it and have an opinion on it. And god help me when they do come to visit, every aspect of my house, hosuecleaning, daily routine, etc... are scrutinized and gossiped about with their dad and then with their mother and maternal grandmother, then my mother in law and father in law, then with thier friends on facebook etc... If my husband and I argue, sometimes (worst of all and the thing I hate the most) he will discuss the problem with his daughters. Who OF course run to their mother with every thing he has said. I feel so embarrassed knowing that his ex knows every detail of our lives the good and especially the bad (because the kids never pass the good along I am sure) and the constant feeling of being judged is in the back of my mind every time I do something. Like, "Oh god I slept in today, ,will the sk's find out and shake their heads sadly and tell their dad its such a shame he is with such a lazy bitch?" At this point I know its moved into paranoia and they are most likely not discussing my sleeping habits but it seems as though I never know anymore. Does anyone else experience this and how do you handle it? I am sure people will tell me just to not worry about about what others think and for the most part I dont but its still hard to feel like every aspect of your life is always being judged and talked about.
>>If my husband and I argue,
>>If my husband and I argue, sometimes (worst of all and the thing I hate the most) he will discuss the problem with his daughters.<<
I think that is completely unacceptable, and is very inappropriate. If it bothers you, please discuss it with him. I can't fathom my DH talking about our personal business with his adult kids.
Agreed, this is highly
Agreed, this is highly inappropriate. You do not discuss spousal matters with your children. He needs to be told this.
Highly inappropriate and a
Highly inappropriate and a sure-fire way to end your marriage.
See, then it is daddykins and skids against the evil stepmom. And once you and daddykins are HAPPY - the skids don't forget all the negative things they have been told about you.
It escalates and escalates until daddykins feels very much put
"in the middle" and like he "has to choose" between you or his kids.
Any chance of going to counseling? If not, would you at least go by yourself? It will help you have tools to deal with these types of situations.
I hate to say it but DH and I
I hate to say it but DH and I HAVE talked about this issue and although he still swears he doesnt see anything wrong or inaaporpiate with talking with his kids about such issues (HELLO theyre your kids not friends!!!), he does know it bothers me and says he wont do that, but... that pretty much just means they do it behind my back. I dont know that FOR SURE but have seen it in text messages on his phone and such a few times, and he always swears he just was upset that one time and made a mistake that it doesnt usually happen, wont happen again, he's really sorry, Do I have to make such a big deal out of everything, etc... Its maybe an overreaction but it upsets me so badly it feels almost like he is cheating on me. I know that sounds crazy, theyre his KIDS right?? But it still feels like such a deep betraylal, and then theres the embarrassment becuase I know his ex knows and blah blah. DH says I shouldnt care what his ex thinks anyway and makes ME feel crazy for being so upset with this behavior and I think I have sort of lost my perspective on things, I feel like my reactions and to so much are out of proportion when it comes to all the "baggage" from his previous marriage.(god isnt that an awful thing to say? but thats exactly what it all is). I just feel like I am living under a micorscope nad it gets to me and makes me feel crazy...
Your husband is wrong. One of
Your husband is wrong. One of the biggest mistakes some husbands make is discussing their marriage with their daughters who inevitably share it with the whole family including their mom. In the process of recklessly relieving himself, he is sacrificing your marriage under the misguided belief that “blood is thicker than the marital vows.” His actions pretty much guarantee an excruciating relationship for you.
Rule of thumb: “Spouses should NEVER share their problems and complaints concerning each other with mutual friends or family.” When your husband “gossiped” about you he breached the sanctity of your marriage and has polarized his family against you. They will sit in judgement of you forever, unless he apologizes to them and you for making that colossal mistake and stops involving them in your marriage.
The kids very inappropriately think they are “just helping dad” control his unruly new wife. (it must be the right thing to do they think, everyone says so) Then you have the ugly, unbalanced status of being scrutinized and bossed around by his children in your own home. It is nasty passive aggressive behaviour on your husband’s part. Tell him to stop it.
Thank you so much, this made
Thank you so much, this made me cry for some reason, emotions maybe a little too close to the surface these days I guess. You hit the nail exaclty on the head with this one and explained what I have always felt is so wrong about the situation. Of course both my DH and BM have always felt free to discuss these kinds of problems with the kids, which is so crazy to me, but afer 20 years of doing things that way my husband just doesnt think I know what I am talkin about when I say that it is NOT RIGHT or good for the kids or him. Once, when sd16 (at the time 14) lived with us and DH was actually trying things my way, one of the things sd14 said to me was "I dont like how you guys never tell me anything anymore, what goes on in this house is my business too." It is crazy to me that these kids feel entitled to know everything going on in their parents lives but its not their fault its Dh and BM's fault they have always raised them that way. I think the kids guilt my DH into sharing this stuff with them sometimes because they say they are "not as close" as they were when their dad told them the details of his love life. To me its a crazy and sad to say it... sick, situation, but obviously DH isnt thrilled to have his parenting style called sick. He may stop doing it because he knows it hurts me but he wont ever stop because its wrong, because I cant convince him it is wrong. And the problem with him stopping only because of my feelings is that when anger is running high between two people in an arguement sometimes the other persons hurt feelings dont matter to them at the moment.