I need advice about SD20 coming to my house STAT!
Ok, here is my problem right now:
Some of you know that I have a bf that is older than me with 2 daughters, 20 and 23. Anyway, the youngest daughter has recently begun to come around and when I say that I mean she actually wants to come over to the apartment we share together. (I know it sounds riciculous but those 2 can't handle anything so for her it's kind of a large step) The first time she came I was not there...it happened to be a day that I was working so no issue there. The idea was that she would come over and get used to seeing another woman's things in a place her father shares with someone that is not her mother and one step at a time she would be fine and eventually would want to meet me. The first time was a few weeks ago and there were no issues, she even saw a photo of us and didn't say much at all appearing to be accepting of it. Nothing negative was said and she moved on which is fine. Now my issue is that she wants to come over AT NIGHT when I would normally be there but since she is not ready to meet me, she wants me to leave the apt so her and my bf can hang out by themselves. I should tell you and I'm stressing this because I don't want anyone to have the wrong idea...when he asked me if that would be ok he really did ASK if I would mind. He did not tell me I had to leave at all, he just asked me what I thought about it. My concern is that if I say yes then she's going to think it's ok to do that all the time and it's going to cause issues for us. However, if I say no then I'm not being understanding and letting her get acclamated which also means I'm not being fair. I told my bf that I would NOT be interested in allowing that to happen often if ever at all after this. I said it's my place also and I don't feel I should be asked to leave because they're "not ready" to acknowledge me in the house. He did say that he told her he was going to check with me because it's not ok to be asking someone to leave their house and if it was going to be inconvenient for me then it wouldn't happen. My bf has been handling this well in my opinion by asking me if it's alright. All I have to do is say no here guys but I couldn't wait to get here this morning and ask you all what you think of that. I have not given him an answer yet. I should also add that I have told my bf that I have pretty much disengaged myself from the issues with his daughters and accepted that a relationship with them is probably not going to happen. Long story short, I have been with him over a year but they REFUSE to meet me and up until last month neither of them would even come to the apartment even if I were not there. I have stopped feeling sorry for them about their parents divorcing (btw the divorce - STILL not official yet) because they need to get over it. I have been through enough and have been more than understanding so I'm starting to lose patience with his guilty daddy issues regarding his adult children who don't act like adults. This is the largest part of my reasoning for disengaging. It's our life and they are not a part of mine so I've started to let go of feeling sad about the lack of relationship between them and myself.
What should I tell him? Should I let the bratty daughter come to my house as I leave for Christmas shopping? I was thinking that I could do that but be like that's fine I will be home by say 9:00 pm...and if she doesn't want to meet me it would be a good time for her to clear out.
In all fairness she did ASK
In all fairness she did ASK her dad also and I should have explained that...I'm trying not to be a total bitch when I talk about them but it's hard. They have been through as much as I have but I sometimes forget that because I often feel that they are acting immature for their age.
If you allow this to happen,
If you allow this to happen, you're buying into her immaturity and setting the tone for the future where she calls the shots. He should have NOT even asked you if that was okay. It would be nice if these men would have the backbone to do the right thing from the get go.
Now if he tells her she's welcome to come over but he's not asking you, to leave because this is your home too, she can blame you for nixing it.
I get this crap all the time. The implication is kind of "I would help you out (do what you want, etc.), but that bitch won't let me." I really belive that's what all these daddy's little brats think.
And that's the thing stepgin!
And that's the thing stepgin! I've already accepted that I will always be the bitch but my focus is on my bf and to be honest I've stopped caring about SD's sadness or her being upset over things. Both girls are supposed to be young women and it isn't fair that my bf has enabled them it's true but...I have to live my life too and if either one of them are at my house after having kicked me out it's going to make me resent them even more than I already do. They both still think that I am the one to blame for the breakdown of mommy and daddy's marriage and at this point it's up to them to reason with that. Their father has told them I don't know 4 billion times that he fell out of love with their mother over 10 years ago yet they just won't accept that. I have a feeling that their mother has lied to them about it turning them against me and even a little against their dad but...oh well. It's not my responsibility to get them to believe the truth. The guilty daddy routine has officially run it's course I change the subject every time he tries to discuss them because I don't care for them.
I wouldn't leave either. BF
I wouldn't leave either. BF and her can go out, or I would suggest that all three of you grow up and just go out for a nice dinner together. The bigger deal that is made out of this whole thing, the bigger deal it becomes.
I would calmly say "No, I am not leaving my house to drag on this ridiculousness. She can either meet us for a nice meal, you two can go out, or you can reschedule for a time when I am planning on being out."
Iloveit, this is your home
Iloveit, this is your home and she is not a child. Do not leave your home because that will give her more power in YOUR relationship with her father. She should be old enough to understand. And if she feels that is you keeping her against her father then they can meet somewhere to have quality time. It has been over a year and it is time for you to stand your ground and your BF should understand and respect you. She will continue this if you keep letting her.
Maux...I am really sorry to
Maux...I am really sorry to hear that story. Your wedding day should be your biggest, most memorable day and I can't believe that this girl knowing that would make this so difficult for you. How old is she?? Not that it matters I'm just wondering if I can look forward to this bs sometime soon!!
I'm really taking your words seriously also. I have lots of resentment towards these girls and although I love my bf and he is a good man I have a little bit of resentment toward him with other things and I don't want to add this one on. However...his kids have been through a lot and if not worse than I have than definitely as bad. I know what I represent to them and they know what they represent to me - a life my bf had with someone else. In a perfect world they would just "get over it" as someone else said on here, but they haven't. Again - I wish I could change it and could change them but I can't. Our relationship is strong, we love each other and we talk about everything...except his kids. It's at the point where I can't so much as hear their names. When they make outrageous requests such as this one it drives the steak into the ground that much harder. I plan to have a conversation with him about this recent request tonight when I get home from work. I plan to tell him exactly how I feel about it and I do intend to explain to him that I think it was rude to ask me to leave in the first place, you guys are right on that. I've been trying to get him to talk about me more often so that they know the extent of it. He has admitted that because initially he didn't want to upset them (because he was afraid of losing them) he didn't say much about me but I told him that makes it worse. I must be exhibited as the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF HIS LIFE just as they are. He tells me that is how he feels, we are all equally as important to him so therefore they need a reality punch in the face and often that is in the form of - I love her, I won't ask her to leave, I'm sorry you're bummed out but that's just the way it is.
If this were a small child, I
If this were a small child, I would have no problem but they are ADULTS!
Do they have problems adjusting to the weather being different from day to day? Do they have problems with eating something different for lunch than for supper?
I understand daddy having a new woman is a little more intense than that, but come on! Get over it already SDs
iloveit - if you leave your
iloveit - if you leave your house you are opening a really big & ugly can of worms. That is YOUR home too. If she wants alone time with Daddy then HE should taker HER out to the movies. Him even asking you such a thing is outta line. Right then and there he should have told her "Are you crazy? That is my SO and I will not ask her such a thing."
Do not go for it at all. OMG 20 y/o and they are still trying to run shit? Is this what I have to look forward to? Please say no ladies!!!
Ok, so I'm going to be the
Ok, so I'm going to be the black sheep on this one. From reading your blog it appears that the relationship with your boyfriend and his daughters has become very strained due to the divorce which bundles into this relationship with you, you are hopeful for boyfriend to reconnect with daughters in a healthy way, and both his daughter and he asked about you leaving in a nonoffensive tone. Well, if leaving the apartment is only going to have you feeling resentful then that is the wrong path to take. However, if you are open to it.... I would suggest telling your boyfriend that you have Xmas shopping to do ANYWAY and because you are supportive of him reconnecting with his daughter you will carry out your plans as intended but you will be home by 9 so they are aware. I would also say that he needs to take this time to explain to his daughter that he loves seeing her and having her come over but that he shares his home with you and if she wants to come over that she is going to have to accept that you are likely going to be there at times and that she needs to be respectful of you and have realistic expectations that you are not going to hide in the bedroom or anything. That way, they are getting some time together in the apartment without you there but boy friend can set the record straight with her when she is feeling (hopefully) comfortable and that he had reached out to her. Then I would never, ever leave the apartment again when she was coming to visit and if it is a problem then they can meet for coffee or somewhere neutral.
I guess I can see where
I guess I can see where SIllygilly is going with this and where it could work. But something about the whole thing bugs me. I don't know, I guess it's your call.
There are a couple of people
There are a couple of people on here that know a little more of the background of the situation...thank you Sillygilly I have enjoyed reading your posts on other topics and you are someone who I have also looked to for guidance. I've only been on here but a few weeks but already I know who some of you are. What you said certainly makes sense and you know from reading my blog that I have been more than understanding about the situation and the relationship he is trying to salvage with his daughters. I can't just be like, hey bf f*ck you and your daughters I'm done being accepting of the relationship and helping them adjust. I will admit that I maybe do not feel as guilty/sorry for them as I did before but my concern is his relationship with them. I guess I was hoping if I decided to once again step away from the house and allow them some time together instead of having to be out in public places, restaurants, stores etc (which is how it has been for at least 7 months) that she might appreciate me for understanding her needs. It sounds like from reading these posts I don't have the right idea. There's no option to see her in her place because that is where his ex lives with BOTH kids. For the record, after reading other posts, I am well aware that both of these people do not act their age and are extremely immature for individuals in their 20's but what am I supposed to do about that? I've been saying this about them since day one but I can't change them. I was praying that the divorce would force some maturity on them and honestly...my bf has told them before that they need to grow up and accept more
responsibility especially because they are older now and they will need a place to live once the house has been sold. They don't seem to grasp that but perhaps that will be addressed another time.
It's easy for people to say they would never accommodate SD20 by leaving and if I were outside looking in I might agree as well but I think this is an opportunity to show that while I am understanding I do indeed have a backbone. Telling him that I will be shopping until 9:00 pm at which point I will return to the house regardless of how the little visit is going is an important step for me. I need him to tell her that while I will be out, I am coming back to my house for a specific time because I LIVE THERE. I have no problem sticking to my guns on that one. As I said before, I told bf that I'm not interested in doing this much past this one time if I ever do it again. I do think it's a good point to make that she can come over when it's more convenient for ME. It's not her home, she doesn't pay rent or mortgage and does not contribute to the bills, therefore...no say as to when she can come over or not. Bf asking me to leave the house I do agree is disrespectful and the more I think about it the more angry I am getting that this has come up. He knew I wouldn't like it but as I said if I do it this one time I'm not doing it again. I told him that. He's gonna have to figure out a time when I'm not around to entertain her at MY apartment.
That's great advice wicked
That's great advice wicked one...I appreciate that and I agree as well. That could be a suggestion of mine tonight. Not that bf will go for it but at least it shows I have some interest which is more than it's been lately.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words wicked one
that means a lot to me. I'm hoping we can work this out...we almost always do and he knows this has probably been bothering me all day so I'm sure he's prepapred for an earful from me!
Why doesn't your bf take them
Why doesn't your bf take them out somewhere until they get comfortable with the idea that he has a new love interest. Obviously they are still raw and in somewhat denial about Dad moving on. Do not leave your home as it sets up a bad precedent and shows lack of boundaries on your part. How long has he been out of his wife's house? The "Kids" are obviously needing a lot of attention from their Dad now so give them space alone together, but be sure and realize that this stuff is not going away.
It's quite possible that you will eventually be edged out by the kids as they don't like anybody taking their dad and any inheirentence that they think might eventually come their way.
It really gets worse if you can believe it. The girl will play her bio Dad and stepdad to her advantage and she will manipulate things to get everything she wants and thinks she deserves.
Look out cause this is exactly what I am going thru and I have been married to their father for 12 years and SD is trying to make me the bad one by pushing my limits constantly. She is a total narcissist and thinks she is owed everything and doesn't do anything for anybody unless it furthers her position. Very manipulative!
If you can find somewone without kids, all the better sister!
She's 20 years old and needs
She's 20 years old and needs to grow up. No way should you leave your home so that she can visit! If they need time together without you present, they can meet for coffee/lunch/dinner or at her place.
I do think this issue is all
I do think this issue is all about power and control and who gets it. Grace and dignity will get you everywhere in situations like this.
But I'm going to be honest and say that if my Dad left my Mom for another woman, even IF he says he fell "out of love" with her 10 years ago - why didn't he do something about it and get a divorce over the last ten years - I would have a hard time, even in my forties, trying to come to grips with this new family situation. I would be so angry with my father, and our relationship, as well as his relationship with his grandchildren, would suffer greatly. I would be protective of my mother and I would "side" with her. I would have much anger and resentment toward the woman who was such a pivotal part of my family changing in such a drastic and painful way. I would not want to be around her and would do everything I could to avoid being around her so that I wouldn't say or do something I might regret.
I can see where the 20 year old might be coming from. Twenty is still pretty young. In my twenties, I thought I knew everything but really knew nothing. I was extroverted, very opinionated, very judgmental, very sure of where my life would end up. And now, in my forties, I realize that I don't know even close to everything, I'm much more introverted, I'm still opinionated but much less judgmental, or at least I save judgment for later, and I have no idea where my life will end up. I'm making it up as I go, pretty much!
Regardless, I would still be very much affected by my family breaking up in that manner. It would be hard to "get over," even now, as I am twice the young-girl-in-question's age.
So, while I agree that the OP has a right as to the direction her life is going and she has a right to feel what she's feeling, that doesn't mean that everyone around her needs to feel the same way nor do they need to allow their lives to take the same course as hers. The other parties involved have a right to their feelings and wants just as much as the OP does. Being respectful of each other's feelings goes both ways in situations like this. No one person deserves more than the other.
A compromise can be reached if you really want it. I think a PP's idea of allowing the dad and his daughter some time together so that he can hash out the situation with her might be a great idea. The daughter needs to hear it from her father, painful though it may be.
JMHO.
Again Stepaside is right! OMG
Again Stepaside is right! OMG girl you are on FIYAH today!!!!!
Stepaside hit it on the HEAD.
Stepaside hit it on the HEAD. Especially with the "mini-vacation without you" line.
If you insist on being the accommodating one than tell him you're coming home at 9 and show up at 8:30. That way she won't have a chance to bail before you arrive. You can say you're sorry for barging in on them but you suddenly got an awful stomach ache or something.
I agree Stepaside. If iloveit
I agree Stepaside. If iloveit doesn't claim her spot as QUEEN of that castle now, she will lose her crown to the 20 old Princess once and for all. iloveit is giving this girl too much credit and is forgetting how manipulative daddy's little girls can be. We'll hear the stories later on if this doesn't go well. Someone get the popcorn!
"when emotions take over,
"when emotions take over, sometimes people become unreasonable" I love that and it's soooo true. We do forget that sometimes huh? When people are upset they do things they wouldn't normally do and I am no different. I've been on the other side of that as well so I get that big time. I keep wanting them to behave a certain way but they never do. My mother keeps telling me "You can't expect normal behavior from people who are not normal." Perhaps she's biased because I am her daughter but you know...let her be and I think she's right about that.
NO! I would not agree to
NO! :jawdrop:
I would not agree to leave MY home so that someone who is not interested in interfacing with me could visit. Not happenin in Rags' world.
Now, if I was out of town and that person visited my wife and kid .... fine. But for sure I would not leave to facilitate that person coming to my home.
If GuiltyDaddy wants to hang with his adult brats and not include you then he can meet them somewhere other than your home.
Would he call them to say that he and iloveit are dropping by their house for a visit and tough shit if you don't want iloveit there? This crap does not fly in either direction so why should you tolerate it.
IMHO of course.