Not Sure if I'm Ready...But Can You Ever Really be Ready?
More and more I find myself worrying about becoming a stepmother and all the potential issues that will arise because of it. I'm not married yet. My boyfriend has not proposed yet, but he's been dropping hints.
A little background: I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together since last November, and we've been living together since June. He's divorced and has two kids: a 3 year-old son and an 8 year-old daughter. He was married for 7 years to his ex-wife-- they married straight out of high school. While he was in the military their marriage dissolved, and she ended up asking him for a divorce after having an extended affair (she's still with the guy).
Anyway, though my boyfriend always talks a lot of smack about marriage and I was convinced he would never marry again, lately (the past month or two) he's been dropping a lot of hints about getting married. I love him, and I would be happy to marry him. However, with that comes the reality of becoming a stepmother to his kids. It truly scares me.
I'm very lucky. I actually like his kids a lot, and they're far more fond of me than I ever would have hoped. Furthermore, I have yet to have any problems with the ex. She has never even spoken a word directly to me, though we see one another when they swap the kids. BUT-- I'm still living in happy land, right? This is all going to change if we get married, right? Well, not everything, but I'd assume that more realities would start to hit home. I'm still waiting for one of the kids to yell at me, "You're not my mommy!" And what if we had kids? The whole dynamic would change.
I know this is all amature stuff for many of you, but it's new to me. No one in my family has ever had stepparents or stepkids (well, technically I do have a stepmother, but she lives in another country and I've only seen her twice so it's not really the same). I have plans for my future; my boyfriend does not by any means expect me to be a house-wife to his kids. He encourages me to go back to school for my Masters, even if that means being separated by hundreds of miles. But if I go away for a few years (minus summer and holidays), what will that do to my relationship with the kids? At this point, there are so many things worrying me about the future that I try to focus on one day at a time. Should I just go with the flow and let things come as they may? I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a stepmother, but is anyone really ever ready?
You're very young and there
You're very young and there are plenty of guys out there who don't have children. You and boyfriend may very well work through a lifetime of this together but its not worth it.
Don't get married until you're thirty anyway. You'll have a lot happier life in todays world.
Thank you for your honesty. I
Thank you for your honesty. I wholeheartedly agree that there isn't enough normalized exposure to blended families (in school, advertisement, etc.), so kids have no reference or guidance and are left to make of it what they will with their young perceptions of the world. I'm always surprised at what they don't glean from what seems so obvious.
I feel for you, and I hope that you and your husband work out having children between the two of you. When my boyfriend's son went on a spree of grumbling "I hate babies" every time he saw an infant, it just about killed me. My boyfriend and his son are INSEPARABLE, so I can't imagine having a little boy and seeing the jealousy/resentment coming from his son. You seem to take their feelings/situation into consideration, and I think that counts for a lot, despite the fact that it may not be recognized by them. I think (and this is what I tell myself) that we're still kind of the guinea pigs for the blended family template, so understanding everyone's point of view is important for our own sanity.
as soon as my DH and I
as soon as my DH and I announced we were engaged BM went off the deep end! So just be careful....
I will keep that in mind. I
I will keep that in mind. I really don't know what to expect from her, but from what I can tell she doesn't speak poorly of either my boyfriend or I to the kids. I think she's curious about me, as every time we go to pick up/drop off the kids she seems to get bolder and comes right up to us. She's still never spoken to me, though.
You sound like me a few years
You sound like me a few years ago, very optimistic, which is good. Honestly though, I think you are quite young to be a step-mom, and even though my husband's kids loved me before I married him over two years ago (at age 27), after marriage that all changed. If I had it to do over again I would have dated my husband a lot longer to get to know more of the dynamics of what I was getting myself into. Right now you are so in love that it may be hard to see what you truly want for yourself. If you really want to go away to study abroad for a masters why not wait to get married afterward?
You are still young, there should be no rush. If he is rushing to marry you first then perhaps its a sign that you need to question the motives behind it all. Life is what you make of it, but getting married and leaving your husband behind is bad for any relationship, step kids or not. If he truly loves you he will wait, and time you will give you more answers than any of us could. I wish someone would have told me that before jumping into my step-mom life.
I admit that I am quite
I admit that I am quite young. I suppose it doesn't bother me too much (being young and thinking of marriage/a family) because my mother and her sister had kids younger than I am now, so it just seems normal to me. True, it was a different time and they did not have the added layer of a stepfamily, but it seems to have at least given me a more flexible internal clock.
I'm not in a rush to be married by any means, and I don't feel pressured by him. As I said, he hasn't proposed. I think he's trying to feel out my take on the possibility. The suggestion of waiting for marriage until after my Masters sounds like a good one. What about engagement though? Would it be a poor idea to get engagemed before attending grad school? I've wondered about just having a quiet engagement between the two of us beforehand, and not announcing it until I graduate--mind you, that's if he even proposes beforehand.
Being a stepparent is a
Being a stepparent is a thankless role. Though sometimes you are their only role model of a "normal" woman. Because most bm are a tad bit on the nuts side. However, usually regardless of what you do the skids resent you for one thing or another.
I agree with orange county - there're many men without kids that you can date and be with. Thought understand we don't choose who our hearts fall inlove with.
Good luck! Follow your gut.
My gut says... actually, I'm
My gut says... actually, I'm not sure if my boyfriend would be the man I love today if not for his children. He had them when he was fairly young himself, and I know they both softened him and gave him a stronger sense of responsibility. So it's hard to wish he had never had them...
As many other posters have
As many other posters have written, the kids may be liking you now, but that all can change. Since the very beginning BM has been crazy, but she really went super nutty when she found out that me and my now DH were engaged...she did everything she could to make us miserable and every day since then has used the kid as a pawn to try to get attention and push our buttons...Don't mean to scare you but it's just a posibility this could happen.
Also agree with the other post of be prepared to get your feelings hurt alot. It may seem like that if you are managing with it out, it's likely it will be managable when you get married too. BUT, and a big but, be prepared as well for some clashes if you guys plan to have kids of your own...that's a whole other can of worms.
Good luck to you whatever you decide
Please please wait and date
Please please wait and date him for longer. I, too, was in this position about 15 months ago. I love my wife, love her dearly and would marry her again in a heartbeat. We all have the notion of the "brady bunch" and everyone getting along and funny adventures, etc. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. They skids (SD 17, SS 8 and 4) were fine with me, until we got married and moved to a new town. SD moved to grandmother's house and now she and my DW don't even speak. The BF constantly feeds lines to the SSs to torture me with, and it has been a warzone since the engagement and wedding. I wish I could turn back the clock and date her longer to see the entire spectrum of the skids and their behavior.
Please also get your education first. You may be married to him, but the skids will always always always take precedent over you. You will never be important again, often forgotten and seldom respected, never loved.
But - Love is blind. Prepare for pain and hurt. Prepare for your dreams to wash away.
That sounds a bit depressing, but I wish someone would have told me to date her longer. Again, I would marry her again in a minute - just not the skids and all the drama they bring.
While I thank you for the
While I thank you for the advice, I have no mirage of a "brady bunch" family in my future. What you say is rather disheartening, but I hope that you can at least work your way to a stable level of discomfort with your stepchildren.
The kids are still pretty young, and I don't think they're really holding back their primary nature. I will continue to wait and date until the time comes, but ultimately I can only do that for so long. Eventually you just have to make the decision to either accept the person you love with their kids, or move on. I don't plan to date indefinately. Your horror story scare me, but thankfully at least I know that even if his ex becomes deranged in the future I have a large, tight-knit family to back me up with moral support.
I would want better for you
I would want better for you if you were my daughter.
I had the pleasure of giving birth to my own children and raising them with their father. I love being a mom to my sons. Later in life, I became a step mother; definitely not the same thing. It's totally different with skids.
My advice to you is to continue reading this site. You'll see that most of us are competent, intelligent women; nevertheless, we come to a web site to find support on how to deal with our partners and their children. I'm sure many women on this site are successful, normal functioning people; yet, here we are! LOL
Read our gripes and complaints and ask questions. Lastly, try to withhold judgment. Unless you take the plunge with this guy, you can't really understand how we feel.
I share similar fears as you
I share similar fears as you but different due to ages.
I'm 29, STB-DH is 46, STB-SD is 17.
SD17 and I get along very well, and we've mentioned to her a few times, our intentions to eventually marry. She's had positive reactions to the news.
But I worry about it changing after we're officially engaged, or after we're married.
Also, I don't have any kids of my own, so I sort of "jumped in the deep end of the pool". Going from no kids, to a teen aged girl, I went right to driving lessons and college bills.
It was (and still can be) sometimes an awkward transition.