When my DH had EOW (we have custody now) I saw how hard it is to for a parent to actually parent their kid in 4 days a month. In my DH's own words, he didn't want the kids to feel like they were in a maximum security prison while here.

I don't think the kids should have to feel like that, but I think there's got to be some medium. If the child is rude, make them go to their room until they can come out and be polite. When they ask for something rudely, say, "how about, may I use/do/have this, please" and ask them to then rephrase their question. If they're rude and you're in a setting where they can't be sent to their rooms, say, "I don't allow people to talk to me/treat me like that. Please say that to/ask that of me in a respectful way." If he throws a fit, he can be sent to his room until he calms down.

Please print those suggestions above off for DH to see, and please tell him that there are ways to enforce rules without making the kids feel like they're in prison and you're the warden.

Unfortunately it will not get any better until your DH starts being a parent. It WILL get worse. Take it from someone who knows.

Stopandchat, if your DH is a guilty parent he's never going to see how harmful his lack of disciplining is. If you try and force him to see it, he is going to get defensive and probably turn on you. It's difficult to witness how guilt can have such a strong hold on a parent. I don't mean to be so negative, but in my experience, guilt parenting doesn't get better with time. It gets worse, and you will eventually begin to lose respect for your H. Maybe in the future, once his child's behavior is apparent to other members of society he can't ignore, like teachers, he may consider counselling. Hearing that his parenting style is unhealthy from an objective third party is probably going to be more effective than his hearing it from you. I am sorry you are dealing with a difficult set of circumstances, and really don't have much control over what is going on. Obnoxious behavior should not be encouraged. Thankfully, you are only dealing with it on the weekends.

It is just going to get worse. Your DH needs to start parenting effectively. We were here when this started and now we are in CO hell with a SD14 controlling all parties involved.

While you may not have "legal" rights to SS, you do have moral rights as to how your own home operates, and it is purely up to you and DH to manage this and set up a workable solution. With one year in, I can tell you that I am WAY farther down that same path, and you do NOT want to go any further without resolving this asap! No matter what the two of you decide your role to be, it MUST be discussed honestly and agreed to in the immediate future. Both of you have to be absolutely open and true with your feelings and what you picture and what your expectations are. Nobody told us this, and there were grave consequences as a result. Please please please! HAVE this conversation with your DH. Get it all on the table, and if EITHER of you accepts any aspect that you are not fully on board with, that needs to be expressed. It should be known which parts you are "giving in" on, and "agreeing to put up with" so it's no surprise later. Nothing will grow resentment faster than "putting up with his baggage" and him not recognizing or appreciating it, so he HAS to know that this is what you are doing. Do not assume anything about each other's roles or expectatioins. Trust me on this.

My DH and I got together when young SS was 6, he is now 13, he hasn't changed a bit, and yes it has gotten worse, he knows exactly how to work his bios and they keep on spoilin, playing who's the best parent game. We have 50/50. It is destroying our marriage. I do have to admit my YDD who is an adult and cannot seem to make it on her own as a single mom is also a big contributor, as are two of the other three skids. Sigh...DH and I get along so well when we are alone, but that is rare and I'm wondering if all the turmoil in between those alone times are even worth it.

Stopandchat, I did not get a chance to read all the posts before, but I see that your DH is in recovery. Mine is too. It's been 2.5 yrs in the program, and SS is 14yo. We have been together since SS was 2, married since SS was 4. We have 2 daughters within our marriage who are now 7 and 9. I was sucked into the illness for years without even knowing it, and with only 2.5 yrs recovery, I still dont use the word 'forever' but am so thankful for the life we have now.

I struggle with the fact that the ONLY remaining issue between DH and I is how he handles his son. I cant even call it parenting because I see him parent our BD's. He wont even admit how he is with SS and how he treats me when SS is around. It's like a flashback to the drinking days, and believe me, I wont go there again. I divorced him when I finally came to the point that I'd rather lose him than deal with anymore dysfunction related to SS. He entered recovery after that and we've resolved pretty much every other issue since then.

Alanon helped me a LOT. Have you looked into that at all? It gives me a perspective of power over my own life and choices and helps me keep a clearer view of my situation.

I totally understand your situation. I have helped raise my boyfriend of 5 years almost 7 year old daughter since age 2. He has overcompensated for her deadbeat Mother so much that now his daughter is completely dependent on him at all times. She refuses to do anything on her own. She has her own bedroom with a tv, video games, etc...yet she NEVER plays in her room. It's always DADDY DADDY DADDY come play with me from sun up to sun down. She never gives him a break, and he never sets limits. When she acts up, he punishes her with timeout, but after 2 minutes he feels bad and lets her come out. She manipulates and controls him. Although I have been around her since age 2 she does not listen to me whatsoever. When I try to put my two sense in about how I think things should be done, my ideas are quickly shot down. It is so frustrating!!!!

Six year olds can be demanding. They also love rules and fairness, which may have something to do with the thousands of game rules and counting the cookies. You can make this work in your favor.

Ask him to help you come up with a list of rules for everyone in the house to follow. Write them down. Then ask him what rules he thinks are important for him. Then tell him the ones you think are important, and why.

Also, try to remember that just because something annoys you doesn't make it bad, wrong, or something to be corrected. Correct the things that are truly wrong (is it destructive, harmful, dishonest?) and leave the rest alone. He will come around much, much faster.

Hi, Stopandchat. Glad the ideas helped. Kids are a lot more fun when you remember that to your SS, the idea of a giant guy in a red suit with presents or a giant bunny with eggs or a miniature person with wings who gives you something for a lost tooth are real people. Like you and your husband.

It's easy to forget that if they're doing something that seems pretty adult. But truly, cake being on its side or up and down could be as meaningful to him as if you paid a painter and they painted your living room the wrong color, after you'd spent a lot of time picking out just the right one. It wouldn't mean a thing to your SS--and maybe not even to your husband, but it could mean an enormous amount to you.

Kids can actually make our lives a lot more fun and interesting--even when they're wacky.