I need advice...should I call of my engagement?
Hello all! I was so happy to come across this site because hopefully someone here has experienced what I'm going through and can help me. This is long, so I apologize ahead of time...
I've been engaged for about 3 months, but we have been dating for 2 years and 9 months now. He is 9 years older than me, so he has kids already and I have none. The oldest ones live in another state so we don't see them too often, but the youngest one lives in the same city and her mom, of course, is crazy. He used to have her every weekend when we first started dating, but BM got all crazy about a year and a half ago and would never be at home for him to pick her up. The one time he called the police to resolve the situation, she tried to say that he hit her. He didn't touch her, but he wasn't willing to keep going through the drama with her and risk getting into trouble, so he gave up. After that, he only saw her on her birthday and a few holidays. During this time, BM developed a serious drug habit and she is now in jail for failing multiple drug tests. So, my fiance has custody of his daughter until she gets it together, which I doubt will ever happen. He got her in August, so we had to enroll her in kindergarten. I don't know what they had her doing the last 2 years, but it wasn't learning anything at all. This child did not know ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING - her last name, her parent's real names, her age, the ABCs, her shapes, her phone number, her colors, the numbers (not even through 10), there's more, but you get the point. What she did know, oddly enough, was the lyrics to every stupid song that comes on the radio when we're in the car. During the first week of school she got sent to the office 3 times. The first time was because another child said she wasn't her friend and didn't want to play with her. Her response was, "I'll kill you, you devil!"
I was astonished, because I've never known a child that young to act like that. My fiance basically brushed it off and told the school teacher, principal and counselor about how she was adjusting to all the changes going on at home and how she was developmentally delayed, etc. so they let it go and decided to "go easy on her". I don't think that's what she needs. This child is rude, tells lies, manipulates and does things she KNOWS are wrong, but everyone just brushes it off because she's so young, she comes from a broken home, her mom is on drugs, she's adjusting to a new environment, blahblahblah. It seems to me that they're just making excuses for her. How long will she get away with acting like this? I've expressed my disdain about the situation to my fiance and he got mad at me for not being understanding and compassionate enough. Since she has come to live with him, we see less of each other and he doesn't spend the night nearly as much as he used to. I understand that he has new responsibilities, so I understand all of that. Where the big problem comes in is when I don't want to do something with/for his daughter without him. I don't know what bad things she might do and I don't feel comfortable punishing her, so I'd rather not be alone with her. I don't really have any feelings for her because she's basically a stranger. He wants me to love her the way he does, and I just don't. I'm honestly not even sure I like her. Maybe with time once I get to know her better I could like her or maybe even love her, but I don't know. He thinks that I'm trying to make him choose between us, but I'm not. I just don't really want to take of her, so then he goes off about how I'm not being supportive of him and he has to do everything himself and how I should be more supportive since we will be married soon. I recently found out that I was pregnant - I'm now 13 weeks! I'm very excited but it seems like my joy is being overshadowed by all of the things going on with her. Everytime I show excitement about the baby I'm carrying, my fiance tries to relate it to how I should be feeling about his daughter. In my opinion, there's no comparison. Even my friends and family are telling me that I need to try to bond with her and be more "motherly", but I'm not a mother and I'm not her mother. I don't know how to make them understand. Everyone things I'm just being selfish, but I can't make emotions and affections appear where there are none. What am I supposed to do? I really need the support of my fiance, friends and family now, but I don't feel like I'm getting it. I can't even share in the joy of my pregnancy with my fiance without him making me feel guilty. Should we keep trying or should I cut my losses and try to move on? Thanks in advance!
Are you prepared to devote
Are you prepared to devote your life to this kid?
Mother Theresa wouldn't be
Mother Theresa wouldn't be prepared for this!
Give it time. Bonding takes
Give it time. Bonding takes time...Dont give up on this child, please understand that she has lost so much thanks to her darn biological and maybe she is looking to you as her mom. Do small things with her to include her with your pregnancy, maybe go shopping for an outfit for the baby from her.
Hang in there.
Bonding takes time and alot
Bonding takes time and alot of patince and love. Unbonding 17 years later when mom reenters the picture takes 2 seconds!
I think you need to explain
I think you need to explain to your fiance that since she's not your child and basically a stranger, there is going to be a huge adjustment period, and him pressuring you is actually making it worse. It will make you resent her when people put all these unfair expectations on you. Yes, this little girl is going through a lot, and so are you. I have been through this, actually, somewhat. When I met my husband, he was 18 months into taking care of BMs son because she too got busted for drugs and her kids taken from her. My DH had only seen her child once or twice a year (DH is his legal father, but not bio - whole other story, kid doesnt know that), he lived out of state, and they didnt hardly know each other (he was 6 at the time). He was a very angry child after being torn away from his school, friends, mom & siblings and sent to live with "dad" whom he barely knew. When I came into the picture, I felt really bad for this kid but at the same time, didnt want him around my then 2 yr old and it was hard on me dealing with him. 6 months later his mom was out of jail on getting off house arrest, so my DH sent him back to his mom and we are now back to seeing him once a year. I just hope his mother stays straight cause having him come back would be very difficult, and he is now 12 yrs old.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I would suggest writing
I would suggest writing everything that has made you up set in a little journal. You can chose to share this with you FH or not, but writing things down usually helps.
You have every right to say you do not want to be alone with this child right now. Me and my fiance lived together for 10 months, where I would see his daughter for a few hours a day EOW, before I accepted any responsiblity for her. I then started to watch her full time and because she knew me already it wasn't a harsh transition.
Sharing your pregnancy with your skid is a great idea. I'm sure if FH isn't excited (or as excited) then the skid will be. Kids love that stuff.
Best of luck.
Sometimes significant others
Sometimes significant others don't get it that you fell in love with THEM...not their kids. Their is definitely an adjustment period and it takes time, but no one is to say how short, how long or if after you've adjusted you'll still have feelings or like your stepchild. Like Orange County ca posted, are you ready to devote your life to this kid? Because good, bad and everything in between will happen in a lifetime. Also, since your fiance is so quick and keen to bring up the supportive issue with you, i'd be quick to make sure if shoe were on the other foot he'd be as supportive as he's expecting you to be, because in MOST cases, the guilty, overcompensating parent will ONLY be that way for THEIR child. Good Luck!
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL. This is not what you signed up for when you got into a relationship with this man. I completely understand his love for his child, and what he wants from you, but wanting and expecting are 2 different things. You can't instantly love or like a child. I would at the very least delay the wedding. I hate to say, "it's a shame you're pregnant", but it certainly does complicate things and makes it harder for you to leave. You speak so easily of leaving that I have to wonder how strong the relationship is overall and how much you love this man.
Yes - you should call off
Yes - you should call off your engagement (IMO). You might want to take more time to think about this.
Well, my fiance and I have
Well, my fiance and I have done a lot of talking since my original post. I went to him with the idea of postponing the wedding and he was horrified at that thought. I explained to him that I love him - not his daughter. He said he was didn't know why I didn't like her because she's just a kid looking for love and approval. I then told him that it's not that I don't like her, I don't feel anything for her. It's more of an indifference than a dislike. Unfortunately, I think he was more devastated with that than he would've been if I just said I didn't like her. I explained to him that I didn't know if I would ever feel comfortable being alone with her and I knew I would never feel comfortable disciplining her. We also talked about my pregnancy and his lack of enthusiasm. He said that he's happy about the baby, but it's hard to be excited about "every little thing" when you've been through it multiple times before. I guess that's true. I can't say since I haven't been through it before. As much as I hate it, I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I told him that he was going to have to be solely responsible for HIS daughter without pressuring me, or there was going to be no future for us. He agreed and he's staying true to his word so far. He rushed through finalizing the contract for our reception hall because he's "confident that the wedding will take place as scheduled." For the last few days, the lines of communication between us have been clearer than they have in a while and we've been getting along better. I know that chances are that won't last forever, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.
On another note... I really do feel sorry for his daughter because she's just not progressing in school the way she should, but I don't want to be responsible for teaching her. They just got their report cards and I think he's realizing that she's not the perfect angel he's built her up to be in his mind. She didn't even tell him report cards came out. I just happened to know because my aunt teaches for the same school corporation. Since it's just kindergarten they don't have grades. The options are absent, developing and able. She was developing in following directions and working independently. She was absent in working well with others and describing shapes (although she could identify them). She could also correctly identify only 28/52 letters of the alphabet. She's going to a special daycare with tutoring, but I can't see where it's making any difference. She's also been asking a lot about her mom lately and my fiance explained to her that her mom had to go away and get help. While visiting her maternal grandparents this week (she is required to see them twice weekly), they told her that her mom was in jail. Now she wants to go and visit her mom. There is NO WAY I'd take my kid for a jail visit. I wouldn't want them thinking jail time and visits are a normal part of life. He is seriously considering it though. He thinks it would help her deal with her feelings. I would like to tell him what I think about her tutoring and visiting her mom, but I just complained that I want to be "hands off" when it comes to her, so I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut unless someone asks me.
"He rushed through
"He rushed through finalizing the contract for our reception hall because he's "confident that the wedding will take place as scheduled.""
Honey, PLEASE, please be careful. This sounds like someone who is wanting to make sure he "has" you. It's a classic first move of someone who, after the marriage, will decide that now that you're "his", he doesn't have to try so hard anymore to make you happy. I would really think long and hard about continuing with this as scheduled.
You didn't really give him an ultimatum if he's able to continue pushing this wedding through. Why do I say that? Because an ultimatum would have been, "We're putting the wedding on hold until I'm absolutely sure things are better between us." Now, all he has to do is to get you married, and then he can stop trying.
A mature partner would have heard your fears and would have accepted the idea of putting off the wedding, because he would have wanted to make sure that he was getting married to someone who was SURE of the relationship. Remember the adage: Sin in haste, repent at leisure. Of course, marrying isn't a "sin," but it is a decision that will have MAJOR consequences if it's the wrong one. Breaking up when you're married is a lot more complicated and painful than breaking up with a boyfriend.
Again, please please please do not allow him to keep pushing you into what he wants. Trust your gut on putting the marriage on hold. I think it's a very smart thing to do.
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
You mentioned he said: "it's
You mentioned he said: "it's hard to be excited about "every little thing" when you've been through it multiple times before. I guess that's true. I can't say since I haven't been through it before"
WTF! This is so not fair. It is pretty much a preview of what you're life will be like once married. Trust me I'm in the same situation. After my first post and reading the advice, I am a bit weary of marriage and have decided to just go with the flow of things and see how they pan out. I too have never been married, never been pregnant, have no children. So I have come to think about how I'd feel if my BF exhibited the whole "been there done that" behavior. Trust me he has told me that he's not sure if he wants children and I told him that right now I don't want any but that it's very disheartening to know his views since maybe my feelings will change years down the road. I don't want to have a child and feel like we're second best because he already has one.
so your milestones as a couple aren't as exciting because he's "been there done that"?
How unfair! This is your first born baby that you're carrying I assume. You haven't experienced walking down the aisle. Or giving birth to your a child. He should be just as excited because if he loves you so much, his emotions would bring excitement to reaching all these milestones with you.
I agree that you should take time to evaluate things before saying "i do". Thanks to this forum, I know I have.
I'm only going to say this
I'm only going to say this one more time because I don't believe you are listening. Yes - you should call off your engagement. You might want to take more time to think about this. Please listen to what the above STer's have to say.
Before you call off your
Before you call off your engagement, I'd tell hubby how you feel about the situtation. Tell him how you don't feel comfortable being alone with his daughter because number 1 this whole thing is totally new to you, and number 2 because of all that she's been through. Also, let him know that you do feel very sorry for all that she's had to endure at such a young age by way of BM being an addict, etc. but you just think that the way she's being handled is all wrong. Hubby wants you to be mom but not including or taking your opinion into consideration concerning his daughter. He can't just involve you in 1 aspect, loving her but when it comes to raising her totally disregard you, doesn't work like that. Maybe you guys can come to a compromise or even agree to disagree because many parents do this as well. But first, you need to be given time to adjust and if he wants you to be involved it can't be half way. The good thing about this situtation is his daughter is really young so she can still be shaped.
That kid sounds like the
That kid sounds like the next Lizzy Borden. Be careful.
i would say delay it, for
i would say delay it, for now. this is not going to be an easy road for you. i would also get this kid into counseling, asap.
WOW, first off since you are
WOW, first off since you are pregnant you and that baby are the first priority. I just gave birth to my first child two months ago and yeah, he is my first before my dh children. I am a registered nurse and have worked with children and I think why she is acting this way is from things that she has gone through. I think you need to get a therapist for that little girl. She may need a professional to help her through losing her biological mother, that's hard! Than to move in with her father that she was never close to (no fault of his own) and a new baby before she can wrap herself around all of this has to be so very hard for this little girl. I really don't think it would be a bad idea to get her someone professional to talk to, it helps! Hang in there it will get better because you two will now be raising her and not her crazy mother so her only influences will be you but you guys have a mess to clean up with her as well. Get her help unless you both want to take this on and if so you will probably have many more problems for years to came with this little girl. Do your research on the effects of something neg. that happens to children at a young age, it follows them unless you get them the help they needs. Good luck hun and congrates on your new bundle of joy. Also, don't feel bad about not feeling the same for her as you do your own child. I just think it may not be possible. I care for my dh children and love them but it is a different love. I wrote a blog on it just before I wrote you. See what others have to say about it. I might be wrong for feeling this way but I can't help it, I do. I actually think the 3 year old is a pain in the ass and dread the saturdays when he comes over. If he was my biological son I would probably feel different. My 2 month old is hard hard hard but I never think he is a pain. I love him with all of my heart. No matter how hard I try I only really care for the 3 year old. I don't know but I guess that's why we are all here, so we can get support because IT IS HARD TO BE A STEPPARENT!!!