I wonder if our wonderful DH's who have kids that we just simply do not want to be around would be ok with us going away for the week the kids come and visit. I would think that it would remove alot of the stress they feel as well. It can not be pleasant for them either having to juggle us and their kids. I really think if I was in that situation I would remove myself from it. Probably not pracitcal for the summer but could you get away for the week in the winter and spring? I really wonder what they would do if we proposed that as a solution to them. One of two things, "great, I think that will make things much smoother" or "no way, what am I going to do with them the whole time" They probably wouldn't say the latter but think it.

I wish my husband's ex (BM of SD's 12 and 15) would come out of the closet to everyone and just get a girlfriend. It's been 6 years since the divorce (he found out she was having an affair with a woman for 3 years). Still, no significant other because she is a 'Christian' and her kids don't know she is gay. I don't know how, she looks/acts liks a man and is an ex-basketball player/coach.

You are lucky, at least the BM in your situation is not obsessed with your DH and your relationship, making everyday a living hell for you. All because she is SO miserable with herself and her own pathetic life.

Love :?

Welcome!! I can very much relate to your predicament, although my stepdaughter is no where near as bad as your stepson. However, she is 15 going on 16... she's on anti-depressant medication and in therapy..... she is very immature for her age and needs a lot of push, etc..... so, I feel I do have a little experience here. Please understand that when I write to people, I write in "action" tense. Like you may want to try this, or you should... It doesn't mean you have to. Please don't take offense. It's just how I write.

The first thing I'd like to try to get across to you is that the kid may not necessarily be a "bad" kid. But he's definitely a TROUBLED kid.

But before we go further on that... let's separate the "real teenage" behavior from the abnormal teenage behavior. Eating like a lumberjack, SOME swearing (not at adults though), laziness, interrupting conversations, having to be told SOME things over and over - I can agree with your DH that your SS may be somewhat normal in that regard. Is Karl heavy or overweight?? Also, Karl may be rude and disrespectful - yes. Possibly not trained in manners well - yes. But abnormal... not so much to me, anyways.

Also, in my opinion DogsAreBest - the thing that YOU also have to realize is that for some kids.. SOME lying and manipulation are very very normal teenage behaviors. I just had this discussion with my best friend, who now is a counselor (of teens!) with a masters degree. She told me that when she was 16 she would have lied and manipulated to spend time with her father because she didn't get along with her mother!! To me, that means in some cases - like hers - that manipulation and lying are more a sign of being spoiled than being "bad". "The ends achieve the means" line of thinking. I don't personally always equate spoiled = bad. Some kids grow out of being spoiled... I did... my best friend did. SS can't play the spoiled kid manipulation game between the two of you, if you and DH can get on the same page. That doesn't mean that his lying should go unpunished. You should call him on it.

Now, if there's CONSTANT lying and manipulation .. If you can never tell what the truth is with the kid.... that's a different story and is definitely ABNORMAL behavior. I have a nephew like this. His father is an alcoholic and his mother has no control over him. He's lost and lies to make himself "bigger / better" than I think he feels.

Please try not to fall into the "evil kid" trap. By lumping what could be "normal teenage" behaviors in with the "abnormal" behaviors, you are hurting yourself, and your own message to your husband. IMO, It's better for you if you can try to sort those out.

Having said that, you are right though... Some of Karl's behaviors are not completely normal. For example, stealing is NEVER appropriate. Swearing at adults - never appropriate or acceptable. Karl definitely seems to have anger and authority issues. Picking at the dog - that depends on if he's (1) hurting the dog and (2) if he's doing it obsessively. As gross as it is, kids do pick at themselves and other things. But obsessively is something to watch out for.

For the behaviors that are NOT normal, unfortunately I think your husband may be in that "denial" stage of recognizing them. He also sees his son infrequently. So he may overlook it just to avoid the truth. The reality is... somehow, DH needs to come to grips with this for the sake of his own son. His son seems to be heading down a path that is not pretty and does not end well.

How do you and DH get along while the son is not around? The reason why I ask is because that's the time - when you two are close and not "in the thick of it" that you need to talk to your DH. I'm sure you know your husband well enough to know when to broach certain subjects and when to back off. Find the time that is right and speak to him. If you can, try to approach it in a way that is not confrontational for your DH. I know that sometimes these issues are compounded by communication problems between the two adults. So you may be thinking you are expressing concern, and your husband is HEARING criticism. You two may actually need to go to counseling to learn how to communicate better. You also need to be able to confront your DH about his treatment of you when his son is around in front of a neutral third party that will help him "get it". I think he does it out of guilt toward the son. So if he treats you bad, there's no "favortism" going on. Does this make sense? I don't know if that's a battle you can fight on your own with DH or if you'll need a counselor to help.

If you can do this without a counselor, I might suggest getting your DH in the right frame of mind to talk, and then possibly expressing to him your concern for SS. And not concern regarding you or the lying or even the way he picks at the dog. If it were me, I think I'd try to say to DH... "Listen honey, I just want to ask you something and see what you think. I've noticed that Karl seems to be having a hard time. I'm worried about what he's doing, but more importantly I'm worried as to "why" he's doing them. Do YOU think his medication is still working for him, or should we talk to BM about what the therapist is saying / seeing? Do you think we need to change his therapy? "

What I'm trying to do here is express concern for Karl's well being as a child, instead of nitpicking at all of the things he does that are annoying.

Personally, I think that if Karl is still having all of these issues, it's time for either a new therapist and/or new medication. What they are doing isn't working for him, and something needs to be done.

Best of luck to you!!!

We can relate but we will judge if you ask for help. If we think you're wrong we'll say so but hey you want all different views right?

I don't think you should try to disuade his under age 18 kids from visiting. But not any longer than they have already established. Tell your husband calmly that if they stay longer you're moving to a girlfriends or a long term residence hotel. They're surprisingly inexpensive and pretty nice. pots and pans and all that.

You can absolutely forbid them when they're 18+.

Now for what to do when they're here. First lock up or remove from the home anything you charish or has value to you. You can just rent a small U-Store-It closet if nothing else.

First you politely and calmly tell your husband what you're going to do: You politely ignore the kids. By that I mean you remain polite and responsive to them. Yu do not do any chores for them, no laundry, no food preparation. You don't engage in unnecessary conversation thereby avoiding any sassy remarks. Unless they're starting a fire on the living room floor you don't interfere. Just leave that hat on the end table or dishes on the coffee table. If husband remarks tell him you're not the kids maid. Furthermore you don't care if they don't get washed because you're not doing them.

Once you realize that they won't do any permanent damage you can quit worrying about your stuff. Then you quit participating in any child raising. Stop being concerned. You can't help where you're not wanted.

You've retired from the war. You didn't lose - you just voluntarily quit. Its time you worried more about your own mental and physical health.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

I'd disengage from the situation and make dad responsible for taking care of his son while he's on the premises. I think I can do alot of window shopping or visiting friends in that week.

But, I won't say any more since I was chastized the last time I put in my two cents worth that didn't go along with the poster's happy subject matter.

***We're too blessed to be stressed!***

You are right... those are all ABNORMAL behaviors that need medical attention.

Unfortunately, I cannot completely agree with OC - only because I think that's going to start an even bigger argument between you and DH. It will also create division that I think Karl will jump on. And as much as the effect could be to show DH what is wrong, I think it could backfire. I'd tread very very carefully there.

But then again, your DH isn't giving you too much support so why should you support him and his son - who CLEARLY has issues? Is there anyone else that you can talk to that agrees with you - a DH sibling perhaps??

If the kid is 6'2" and that antisocial, I'd be more than concerned for my dog. I'd be concerned for myself.

I don't know what to say, except thanks for clarifying the behaviors. You are right. He does need help! But until his parents do so, your hands are tied. I'm sorry. My prayers are with you!

OMG, i googled for info on difficulties with SK's and this blog was one of the first five hits. it sounds a lot like the last year of my life. i am so glad that i fpund it, my H has me second guessing myself and thinking that i am the worst person in the world for not getting along with his son. for starters he lives with us full time, it has been difficult and i am plotting my escape. i'm not sure if i am doing the right thing but i know that living full time with him is making me a very unhappy person and it is showing. my husband is in construction and has not been working much and i am stuck paying for everything including feeding his ignorant son, can you smell the resentment cooking? there is work out of town but H uses SS as an excuse for not going because i don't want stuck with his lazy kid. he could go to BM, but like i said. H is using SS as an excuse. claims that SS thinks of this as home(even though my H is the only person in the house that SS speaks to) so now the house is up for sale as i can not or will not continue to pay for everything myself especially another womans child that bring nothing pleasant to the relationship. people said that my husband and i were made for each other but the SS issues and the lack of financial support have eaten away at that