Are All SKids Lazy????? And Disrespectful??

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Maybe I have unreasonable expectations? I want SD11 to help out around the house. She lives here full time. Why should I do everything?

I'm having a baby. I'm due in less than 2 weeks. I am freaking out about the lack of help I get around here! How am I supposed to take care of a newborn AND do everything around the house with no help?

Last night I said to SD, "It would help me out a lot if you could empty the dishwasher." She looked at me, put her dirty dish in the sink, went into the living room, sat on the couch and turned on the TV.

At that moment, DH called from work to check in. I told him how she had just reacted to a simple request. He said he would come home. I told him, no - its okay, go out (today is his last day of work....he's in law school and is doing a summer internship, so he was going to go out with the other interns. He never goes out!)

I then started unloading the dishwasher. I was angry. I was, perhaps, acting a little immature by slamming things around. What do you want from me, I'm 9 months pregnant?! SD asks, "What's your problem?"

ARGGGHHH! I gave her a look and said, "You know what my problem is. I don't know why you think you should be able to sit around and do nothing to help me out."

I was at my wits end. So I decided she needed a consequence. I told her, "Turn off the TV and go to your room." She turned off the TV, and then looked at me and SHOUTED, "WHY? BECAUSE I DIDN'T PUT DISHES AWAY?! THAT IS SO FREAKING STUPID!!!"

I continued to put things away, and then started realizing.....I shouldn't be doing this. SHE should be doing this. This is where things got bad, and I probably should've just let it go.

I went in her room, and said, "Go put the rest of the dishes away. Right now." She looked me straight this face and replied, "No."

I just stared at her. I was at a complete loss as to what to say at this point. So eventually, I decided I would take away what she was doing. And everything else in her room that was fun. She had been drawing (she had written her bio-mother's first name and was coloring the letters in). I took that away, took the markers, took the laptop, took the i-pod, took the DS, took the PSP, and started to walk out.

She shouted, "HOW ABOUT I GO IN YOUR ROOM AND TAKE ALL YOUR STUFF?!"

I responded with a calm, "I'm an adult and asked you to do something. You treated me with disrespect and this is what happens when you act that way."

Then she said, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY MOTHER. YOU'RE JUST MY STEP-MOTHER!"

I lost it at this point. I screamed at her, I don't even remember what I said. I was just so flipping pissed. Then I called poor DH and made him come home. I told him I was so angry that I felt like I was going to hit her. Which is true, I really wanted to physically hurt her. So I went in my bedroom to try to chill out.

Then I hear the front door shut. SD has decided to just leave. I walked around our apartment building trying to find her. Couldn't find her. I knew she wasn't outside because it was pouring and she doesn't go out in the rain (poor thing, she'd melt if a drop of water touched her). So I went back in the house and locked the door so she'd have to knock to come back in. She came back about a half hour later. I let her in and told her, 'don't leave the house like that again.' She said "FINE," went in her room and slammed the door. I didn't see her the rest of the night.

SD was asleep by the time DH got home from work. He missed all the fun.

Kids will do what they

are able to get away with....DH needs to demand that his daughter treat you with respect and have concrete consequences in place when she does not (not just a stern talking to either...)
I hope that you are getting that kind of support because if not, it is only going to get much, much worse.
I always demanded that my BD14 and BS16 respected my DH (of 11 yrs) and they have a great relationship now.
On the other hand, my SD17 was not held accountable for her actions and lack of repect. By the time she was 15, she had a criminal record and substance abuse problems. She had only flimsy boundries at the best of times.

own sweet time

for some tweens, anytime they feel like it is a good time, not on "parent time"
my BSs would never have told me no and I am pretty sure the stepkids know that their dad would back me and they have not said no but sure took thier sweet time doing it.
but I wouldnt distress too much it is not uncommon for kids to be defiant at this age, but you must have the support of DH in order to keep it at bay.
congrats on the baby!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Read my last few blogs...

You are living with my SD

Eleven is when it started to escalate. Hormones perhaps. But...

My sons would NEVER have said that to DH outloud. All tweens/teens think it I'm sure. My BS 14 and I have had some pretty heated discussions. But...

He would NEVER do that to DH. Knows better. Saves it all for me (gee thanks.) But SD saves it all for ME TOO.

I also had Anna around the same time you are having this baby.

I know exactly how you feel

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I have the same argument

I have the same argument with BS15. I think what you're experiencing is fairly normal when dealing with kids and teaching responsibility. Sure some have no problem with it, but some do. Some like to test boundaries more than others. Especially when they are used to getting their own way. The only difference between my argument with BS and yours with SD is my BS can't say I'm not his mother. Which I'm sure hurts you. But, look at this way, it's not an insult it's a fact. She knows what to say to get under your skin. Doesn't mean she is free to disrespect you and DH needs to get on board making sure his D understands that. He is her father.

I've found in dealing with my BS15, nothing gets done if I use phrases like, It would be nice if you..., I think you should...., Do you think you can...., etc. The only way anything gets done is by saying, "Empty the dishwasher." Oh, sometimes, he might still try and walk away as if he'll do it when it suits him, but I remind him, "I meant now."

Have I felt like slapping him, heck yes! It's been 15 years and although I would never do such a thing, it crosses my mind all the time. What I started doing, even when he was young, was giving myself a time out. The more I yell the more he yells and nothing gets accomplished. Not a timeout to sit and stew about how pissed off I am about his behavior, but rather a timeout to figure out how I'm going to address him next without ripping his head off.

It has worked for me, and if it helps any, things have gotten better with time and understanding. Understanding that just because he pouts or gets me all worked up doesn't mean he gets out of the chore.

Hey lady, you are going to be so prepared for your new baby.

Stay strong!

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

I have been there

I could have written your blog about five years ago, when SD was 10. What a coincidence! My husband traveled for work and I was left with SD when it was our visitation (a week with BM, then a week with us). I had to call husband, but he was on the road and could not come home to deal with the situation. I saw calling him as a sign of weakness, a sign that SD could get the better of me. But I also wanted my husband to see how she was acting.

One thing I would have done differently about the dishes, which started the whole thing, is say: "SD, I need you to unload the dishwasher." Then make it uncomfortable to do anything else but comply with my request. You phrased it as an option to help you, and SD took it literally. My husband does the same thing: "SD, do you want to unload the dishwasher?" To which she says "No." He is always amazed about how he can ask her to do something ten times and it still doesn't get done but I can tell her to do it one time and she does it. She knows I will make it uncomfortable for her to do anything else and will not give in until the task is complete.

You did the right thing in taking her entertainment from her. And my SD reacted the same way when I did that. She also pulled the "I'm running away but actually just walking around the block a couple of times" act.

I feel for you!

I know about the request thing!

I don't know why I do it....somehow I fell like its NICER to request than command, and that being nicer about it will make it go over better with SD. Its so stupid of me, because I should've learned by now that it totally doesn't work!

Thanks for all the replies you guys.

This morning DH tried to talk to her about it and she accused him of taking my side. So he started harassing her, being all sarcastic, "Come here and give me your reasonable, rational explanation of why its okay for you to be disrespectful to Jess." She didn't have a real response to that.

Jess

Parenting is all about learning. I still haven't got it all figured out and don't expect I ever will. Give yourself room for trial and error, and don't let yourself get down if you forget something you think you should've already learned.

I'm glad to hear DH talked to SD about respect. With both of you working together, you can make a change.

What about if you and your

What about if you and your dh come up w/a set schedule of chores. Make a daily chore list and post it. She MUST do them daily.. no slack days unless she is sick and has the ok from an ADULT that its ok to not do them. If it becomes part of her daily routine, then in the future you will have less problems.

Do not pose the chore list as, because Jess is having the baby she will need more help around the house.. but rather.. Because you are getting older, you are now going to have more responsbilities in this household. All members need to participate, and these are the reasonable chores we have come up with.. again.. WE.. not Jess.

At her age, she should be:
Folding and putting away her OWN laundry and helping w/some community items like towels.
Emptying the dishwasher after EACH run
Rinsing off and putting her dirty dishes/cups/glasses into the now empty dishwasher
Setting the dinner table nightly
Sweeping the kitchen once or twice a week (you pick the day(s))
Vacuuming on Saturday am.

I could go on. But, the thing is, if she doesnt do them, she has her priveleges taken away. Like you so rightly did.

Make it habit (which might be a struggle at first) and you will get the help you need while helping SD learn how to be productive!!!

Good luck!!!

Worth a try.

I'll talk to DH. Maybe the best thing to do is make a weekly calendar and post it. And we can all have chores on there, not just SD, so she doesn't think its just her doing everything, haha.

Good idea

My SD complained to my husband that she was the maid (like Cinderella), because she was supposed to: keep her own bathroom and bedroom clean, wash one load of towels a week, wash her sheets, and vacuum three rooms downstairs. That's it. And she only did those chores about once a month. I wanted to hand her a list of all the things I do for comparison!

Good point. I just figured

Good point. I just figured seeing as how you two are already doing YOUR chores that she is the one that needed the help.

I just think if you make it routine and that it is excepted and EVERYONE will hold her feet to the fire on this then it will happen for you.

Yes.. Dh:
Take out trash
mow the lawn
shovel (add this to her list as well for winter chores, that she must help him and if he isnt home from work yet, she has to get started on her own. )
water the flowers/lawn (again, add this to her list as well for the summer.. have her and dh rotate)

Jess:
Prepare meals.. everything that she has been doing all along LESS the new delegation system!! lol

Oh. add to sd's
clean up after self
Clean room up once a month (a good cleaning.. not just sticking stuff back.. )
oh.. for weekend chores, have her dust the rooms as well.. the tables and stuff...

I think if you go online and goggle it, they have lists that are age specific for children to help w/this process.

Elizabeth, Sounds like

Elizabeth,

Sounds like Jess's dh might enforce this w/the sd better than your dh did. I know you had a to do list for your sd, but that dh didnt make her.

Still blows my mind when after the tornados, the 4 yr old was helping picking up sticks and stuff and your sd just sat on the couch in front of the tv.. including when friends came to help. UNREAL.

Jess,
Just make sure your dh enforces this too.. and that she suffer the consequence if she doesnt.. w/o both of you in this, it wont happen.

My only concern....

is that she doesn't tend to care much about the consequences. DH and I are at a loss for what to do besides taking TV and all her electronics away, and making her stay in her room. But that doesn't seem to phase her too much.

I while ago we were having her write essays and copy out of the dictionary, or do lines. "I will not lie. I will not lie." That was when she was 8, maybe 9. Now that she thinks she's a cool teenager I don't know if she'll do those things....

Privileges

Take away all privileges and make her regain them. I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to strip them down to almost nothing so they can appreciate what they have. With SD we have done no TV, no computer, no phone calls. Also could do no sleepovers, no visits with friends, no extracurricular activities. If she has an activity planned, take it away from her and let her earn it back by showing responsibility.

One thing I always threatened to do with SD but never did was make her go EVERYWHERE with me. I figured that would be about the worst punishment she could have. But I figured that would punish me too and it just wasn't worth it.

How about.. They get done

How about.. They get done or she doesnt get to eat. Lets face it. Kids these days are the rudest little sh*ts going.. why??? because we dont do the things our parents did to us, or their parents did to them and on and on.

If I were EVER to have talked to my mother like that, my father would have spanked me.. didnt matter the age.

She needs to pull her share of the work load, or she doesnt get the priveleges of everyone in the house. I am not suggesting that she not get anything to eat. But make it the bare minimum. Say you are making tacos (just trying to think of fun food) and she doesnt do her chores.. she gets cereal. You are having pizza, still no chores done?? cereal. I think she might start to get the point.

The point being, life isnt a free ride. Everyone needs to earn their keep.. she needs to start earning hers.

God.. sometimes I know I sound like a be otch.. but SERIOUSLY none of the crap would have flown at my parents house.

oh.. and when I say

oh.. and when I say cereal.. not the fun kind that kids like. CORN FLAKES.. plain plain plain. that is what she would be getting to eat until she "earned" her dinner..

LOL!!!

Gosh.. maybe I am pmsing.

We did that once!

This was a couple years ago. DH sent her to her room and she started moaning about how she didn't have dinner and we were abusing her by not feeding her. He brought her some stalks of celery. LMAO!

We'll try something. I'll let you know how it goes.

I sent SD to her room without dinner

One time and my husband acted like she was going to die from lack of food. He brought her out and let her eat dinner, thereby completely undermining your authority. I think you have an advantage in that your husband seems to agree with you. That should make it easier to present a united fromt.

Good luck Jess. And

Good luck Jess.

And Congratulations again on your baby!!!

Thank you!!

Once again, I agree with all.

With this added bonus. When I was having problems with SD neglecting to do chores (dishes) I came up with a new system. SD inherited the kitchen as her main chore when BD left for college 3 yrs ago. BD had been in charge of kitchen since age 11. SD insits that she is NOT going to do them unless one begs and pleads with her. I would MAKE her, but DH would get tired of the whining and do it himself. I felt that since she was inconveniencing me with her neglect of kitchen duties, I felt what better way to get my message across than to inconvenience her. I would set my alarm for 3-4 a.m. and wake her up and make her do the dishes. After a couple of times of that. Problem solved. Moral of this story: One must learn to be creative and always remember, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

Update...

Well, we started the chore list plan this weekend. I included an allowance as incentive, otherwise it would go nowhere. So far, so good. Its amazing how motivated SD is by the prospect of getting $5.

Its only been 3 days so far, so we'll see how it goes. But atleast I had a pleasant weekend and wasn't cleaning up her dirty dishes the whole time!

It's a start.

FYI - SD will probably rebel later on once she realizes that $5 doesn't go to far. Mine did but their $5 is EOW (pay day for DH). They tried to negotiate for more, but they lost in negotiations. DH & I told them $5 EOW or $0 EOW. When BD was their age, she complained about her allowance and got lazy with her chores, so not only she did she lose her allowance, she still HAD to do chores. She never complained again and was pretty good about doing it.

With Skids we explained in a very corporate manner that the fact that we clothe them, feed them, provide shelter for them, etc. that there was no incentive for us to up their allowance because we were already at an unfair advantage unless we were going to pass on the overhead expenses to them. They did not understand, so we broke it down, if we have to pay them more to clean up the messes THEY make, and then pay for everything else they need, then we would be better off just increasing the allowance and have THEM pay for everything they needed out of it. Once again... problem solved. My methods may not be conventional, but they DO get results. }:-)

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

I'm expecting it!

When we made the list initially, DH and I talked about doing $10/week.

But our list is a little funky, and includes a "$10 monthly bonus" if SD accomplishes certain "bigger" projects. So $10/week plus the bonus would be $50/month, which seems like a bit much to start off with.

We'll see how it goes. Perhaps if she wants to negotiate a higher pay rate, we add an additional responsibility or something.

Its going to be hard because I know that BM gives SD $5 just for doing one load of dishes when she's over there on her weekend. If we only had SD EOW, we might be able to keep up with that, but we're not hiring a maid here, just trying to incentivize what should be happening anyways!

YEAH!!!! That is great

YEAH!!!!

That is great Jess.. I am glad to hear it. Lets hope she keeps up the good work.

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Are All SKids Lazy????? And Disrespectful??