SD can do no wrong??
SD is 19 and driving me crazy. She came home from university to work for the summer and split her father and I up I'm sure of it. The kid goes to work, comes home and expects her supper on the table. She does nothing around the house at all including cleaning up after herself. So every once in awhile I'll tell her to clean something up she's left laying around. That's about the extent of our conversations, other than that I don't talk to her. I've been told that she already has a mother and doesn't need me to be one. Well I've decided that's fine then I'm not going to do the things a parent would do for her either such as run her here and there,buy her things etc. So the latest is...she wanted her hair dyed....simple enough...but she expects me to do it and to pay for it. I guess since I used to work as a hair dresser she figures I owe it to her?? Anyway, she asked me to do it the other night, I said 'maybe' guess that was me being a bitch because I got an email from her father a little while ago telling me she was doing it herself...he told her that she should wait until I could help her with it...she told him that I didn't want to help her out...ok when the hell did I tell her that!! I emailed him back and told him that no I was not going to 'bleach' out her hair because it was too damaged but that I couldn't tell her that because then I'm just being mean to her in her book. So now he's mad at me? WTF? I've about had enough and it's only been a month. He never says a word to her about her attitude, sloppiness or anything else. I'm getting tired of it always being me that's in the wrong here.
I walked in your shoes and they hurt
I "stepped" into 4 SDs a few years ago--now 18, 21, 24 & 26. All were various shades of your SD19.
My guilt-ridden DH didn't step up and demand decent behavior from them at all. I became "the problem" because I refused to accept their blatant disrespect, disgusting habits and behavior, foul moods, and outright manipulation of their father. At first I thought I could win them over, but quickly realized that they were so damaged that they considered kindness to be weakness.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that DH had grown accustomed to his daughters' manipulation and abuse over the years. He had become desensitized to it all. DH and their biomom had set the bar for personal behavior and responsibility SO LOW for these brats as children that they grew to be adult brats. When they came under my roof, I was appalled by their behavior, while he thought it was normal.
I also realized that it was much easier for DH to blame me for "not understanding" and "not trying hard enough" because that meant he didn't have to own up to his bad parenting. As soon as they sensed that DH blamed ME for addressing their attitudes and habits, they ramped up their disgusting behavior just to prove that they, once again, were in charge of the house.
Eventually DH had to choose between me and them, because the situation got so toxic. They have since moved out (still attached to DH's wallet, though), but DH still blames me for their actions at times.
My advice: this is an issue between you and your DH, not so much the bratty SD19. If your DH lays down the law and sets expectations in your home, SD19 will shape up. Or not. He has to screw up the courage to face his daughter. In the meantime, you might consider disengaging from the SD19--you can't win here, no matter how nice you try to be.
By disengaging I saved my sanity and took back control. In my case, I was called a bitch when I tried to be nice, and called a bitch when I disengaged. I am now, and probably will forever be, a bitch in their eyes. So what is there to lose?
I really hope this works out for you--please don't let anyone else drive you crazy.
Sit back and let her do her
Sit back and let her do her own hair. When she comes crying to you because it has the consistency of noodles, hand her a bottle of conditioner and say, "I told you so." At that age, they think they know EVERYTHING! So sometimes it's just easier to let them figure it out themselves. Better yet, let DH help her with her hair....hmmmm, wouldn't THAT be humorous?
She asked him
Yeah she asked him to do it that's when he told her to wait for me. It would have been a good laugh though! I'm just wondering if it all fell out or not....I don't dare ask but boy do I want to }:-) I have disengaged from her and I get crapped on for ignoring her now..can't win either way but that's the way it will stay until one or both of them smarten up. We are moving to the cottage as soon as my son finishes school on the 20th of June...I'm counting the days!! She'll be gone when we move back to town...pretty bad when you have to move out of your own home to get some sense of sanity back. I've already told my DH that I want to tear down the wall between our bedroom and hers and renovate when she moves out....sooner the better...I figure that way she won't be able to move back in
My thought exactly
Yup that was my thought too....DH was a little ticked off this morning when he realized she dripped the hair color all over the counter in the bathroom and on the floor....anyone ever try to clean that stuff up?? forget it the stuff does not come off.....I just snickered under my breath while he cursed a blue streak LOL
Good thing we are remodeling the bathroon in the next couple years or she would have been forking over some money to replace the counter and floor. Her mother pretty much dumped her on us and moved 3/4 of the way across the country so she wasn't going to be doing it. Pathetic women called our house at 8 on Sunday morning so her darling daughter could tell her what a wonderful mother she was on mothers day. :sick:
sd is HOW OLD???
Uh, if this SD is 19 and she wants her hair bleached...it's real simple. If the sd wants it so bad then the sd can get a job and pay for it to be done herself because you are not going to be held accountable if she doesn't like how it looks afterwards. if the hubby doesn't like it....tough. you are not there to be a target for an sd'd whine and b**** fest.