Hello all,

I'm Kathy, often called Kat by my fiance. I am so happy to have found this forum. At the very least I know I am not alone and that there are many other women going through very similar experiences with their step kids and step kids to be. That, in itself, is strangely comforting though I wouldn't wish obnoxious step kid grief on anyone!

I separated from ex almost three years ago. Kept to myself for a time. Started online dating to meet men in a larger city two hours away from me as I didn't want to date in the fishbowl (the small city I was living in). Met several nice guys but no chemistry. My fiance was one of the men I met online, but we communicated via msn, phone, email for over four months before we met because our schedules just didn't click. When we finally met *we* clicked. I had my daughter two weeks and then a week with her father (he worked away a lot). On those weeks without my daughter I would see my new man whenever he didn't have his kids (he had them three days each week at that time). He then started having his two girls (just turned 10 and 12 at the time) every other week for a full week. When our worlds could collide it was always wonderful and it still is. We are so wonderful together. We adore each other - there is no question in my mind that he loves me - we still make fireworks nearly two years later, we never argue (except about his children - sadly), we are supportive and loving and respectful and adoring of one another. I cannot imagine my life without him and marvel constantly at how easy a loving relationship really can be. After about six months together we decided to introduce our children to each other. After a few more month we decided to introduce the children to each other.

I have a little girl who is going to be 6 at the end of December. His girls are presently 11 and 13 and will be celebrating birthdays in Feb and April (respectively). I have tried my best to be a level headed parent and to utilize common sense when raising my daughter. I am so lucky that she is a perceptive, sensitive child and credit her for being a good kid when complimented on what a good child she is. Don't get me wrong, she can be challenging at times and has a stubborn streak to rival my own, so I don't suffer from rose colored glasses syndrome where my child is concerned. I have been consistent in discipline and with regard to what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. As an example, she knows it is not acceptable to yell or throw fits when she's angry. If she is too angry to calmly talk about things she goes to her room to cool off and then comes to talk about things (something she's been doing for almost two years now - the adults in her life find it hilarious and wonderful at the same time). Her father and I worked hard to provide her with a good life and she doesn't lack for anything, but is also appreciative of the things she has and receives. She takes care of her belongings, takes her dishes to the sink, cleans her room (and does a pretty good job of it considering her age), puts her laundry in the hamper and feeds the cats. She receives an allowance for doing her bit around the house.

My fiance's daughters come from a very privileged background. They also do not want for anything, though they always want more. When I first met them they demonstrated politeness, decent manners, and seemed like nice girls. The thing that kills me about them is that I know they have lovely girls inside of them but choose to be obnoxious most of the time. They have grown up with a nanny to clean up after them, no discipline, an overly indulgent mother and a passive father. Someone posted here something to the effect of the ex emasculting the husband and him consequently tuning out of what was going on with the children. That gave me a lightbulb moment.

As time went on the girl's behaviour around me became worse and worse until they were, according to their father, just being themselves. Oh, joy! I know I've come to be accepted because they feel free enough around me to be obnoxious and challenging and outright awful.

Recently, about a month ago, I had had my fill. I packed up the belongings I kept at his place and told him to call me when his children acquire some manners and discipline. The 'break up' didn't last for long. I think leaving was the final message I had to send to let him know I was serious about all the begging and cajoling and pleading that he deal with their behaviour by imposing consequences. We had a serious talk - how allowing them to be disrespectful without consequence makes me feel like he doesn't respect me, how their behaviour and his lack of response to them was begining to taint how I feel about him. He suggested that I was letting his children come between us. I acknowledged that I've agreed to marry him, not them, but that by allowing them to get away with their behaviour he was allowing them to come between us by NOT dealing with them. We talked about how they are going to have many friends in their lives but only one father and that he really needed to be a father to them. It was a long and honest and heartfelt talk which resulted in him agreeing to try to reign them in.

Some examples of their behaviour - While in Orlando on a vacation, the 11 yr old was pacing and muttering and throwing things in the adjoining kids hotel room. He lay there saying nothing. She was angry because at one in the morning she came to her father and asked him if she could order room service because she wanted french fries. He told her no. Her sister was still awake but my daughter was sleeping. I sat up in bed and said "Would you please stop it, you're going to wake up T (my daughter). Her reply? "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother, go F*** yourself!". She then ran to the bathroom and locked herself in. I looked at H (my fiance) and he shrugged. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and began shouting through the door that she absolutely could never speak to me that way. That's when H got out of bed and came and tried to put an end to things. Were there consequences? Nope. Throughout that whole trip both those girls were unappreciative, demanded things (not may I please or can I have - but "You HAVE to buy me this. I WANT that."

They yell at their father, tell him to *f* off, call him names, make a complete and utter pig sty out of their father's home, tell me that once we all live in the same house they'll have me to pick up after them like their nanny does at their mother's house, use foul language, watch and listen to inappropriate things, demand things constantly, insult me, throw fits and on some ocassions throw things or otherwise physically respond to their father (such as trying to stomp on his feet) when he's had enough and is actually attempting to correct them. I have seen them rudely interrupt him while he's conversing in person or on the phone with his business partner, make spectacles of themselves in restaurants, even when dining with friends of his, by making a 'science experiment' out of all the remaining food and condiments on top of the table (which I've told them time and again that the wait staff are not paid nearly enough to clean up after them), stuff their faces full of food and show each other (and us) and allow the food to dribble out of their mouths, publicly and purposely pick their noses and pass gas and belch.

On one car trip I was curled up in my seat resting my head on the armrest between the front seats and the older girl, while her father was out of the vehicle, put her behind over my head and passed gas. Consequences? None.

Their mother has outright said that they shouldn't have to take direction from me and that their father should just get them whatever it is their little hearts desire. They have no respect for their things (the 11 yr old is on her third digital camera in less than a year) or the belongings of anyone else. The 11 yr old will destroy items which belong to anyone she happens to be angry with. They have rifled through my personal things and I once caught them going through my drawers in my bedroom in my home. They younger girl also steals from family members and shows no remorse when she damages or steals other people's belongings. The older one is only very slightly less of a handful.

I have begged him to get counselling for the younger one. To introduce consequences for their actions. To establish a set of rules and consequences and to even involve them in the process. I have expressed serious fears that once we are living in the same house that the girls are going to pull us apart. I have expressed that I know I cannot live in the same home as them as things currently are. He has said he hoped things would just naturally get better. That he wishes I could just let things slide a little more than I do. That he only wants the girls to associate me with "sunshine and light". That, in part, he fears if he attempts to discipline or correct them that they will choose to live only with their mother.

After the 'break up' he has agreed he has to be more of a 'harda**' (which he calls me - affectionately) and less of the poster child for badparenting.com (which I affectionately call him). The thing is that he is not consistent. His methods are helter skelter, some things dealt with sometimes and not others.

One thing I am proud of that he's been rather consistent about is this: The 11 yr old, when angry, not only yells and swears but slams her bedroom door. She doesn't just slam it once, she slams it again and again so that you be absolutely certain she's angry. I have been saying for ages now that I would take her door away from her. He thought I was insane. My take on it is that she can't slam a door that isn't there and will get the message pretty quick. Well, he finally did it - several months ago actually - and had to do it twice and she hadn't slammed that door since until last night! She lost her door again but I think it's wonderful that he responded immediately with the same consequence.

We have talked about establishing rules for the house (presently under construction and should be ready to move into by spring). He has asked me to put together something in the way of rules for he and I to review and discuss. Where I would have, at one time, done anything for those girls they have since driven a wedge between them and I that I have a very difficult time looking at anyting objectively where they are concerned now. I have - since the breakup - avoided spending too much time with them, will not go out of my way to do things for them like I used to, and have demonstrated a coolness toward them that hurts me to do but I feel it is neccessary to send a message. They have broken my trust and lost my respect and have to earn both back.

At present we both have shared custody of our children and try to keep on the same schedule - a week on, a week off - with me having my girl from Monday to Monday and he having his from Tuesday ato Tuesday (so the kids get one night alone with their parent without other kid(s) present. I am also afraid that his girls are going to be a terrible influence on mine although - so far - mine has actually corrected his! ("Z! That's not nice! You should say 'excuse me'. or "R, you shouldn't be mean to my mom because my mom and H really love each other." and on one hilarious ocassion when R was actually being well behaved "I think you grew some manners!")

I want to put together some basic rules and guidelines for he and I to review - and he has agreed that, upon agreement of the rules, he would begin implementing them immediately rather than waiting until we're all under one roof. I am so relieved that he is finally going to try to help them to become better people, to parent them, but I am afraid I don't know where to begin with the writing of the rules because of my tainted feelings.

If you, with a cooler head than I, could write a set of rules for a blended family household, what would it look like? What sort of consequences would you impose or suggest for breaking the rules?

I want to solicit the help of all of you who have been there, done that (and are still doing it) to help me put together something we can start with. I love H dearly. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I want to grow old with him.

Thanks in advance for your insight. And especially for anyone making it to the end of this tome!

Kat