First time a 9 year old really made me mad.
Last night I get home and SS9 is all excited because they had a book thing at school yesterday. He could donate and exchange them. he has so many book I said well lets donate 12 and you can exchange 3. When I come home he has 12. All I can think is something is really fishy here. I know what I wrote I know what I said and I know I explained to him why we are donating. I bought most of the books for him to read and my mom had just bought him like several brand new books too.
I ask what happened that is not was agreed or said. Of course he says he does not know so many times. I say you are telling me the teacher read the paper wrong and messed up the number that I signed off on. "I don't Know". We sit down to dinner and I knew he was lying to me I just knew something was off and SO after I was talking for a little also did not think something was right. I said simply if I find out you are lying to me, you will not get to go on all those trips this summer with the daycare you will have to stay behind while everyone else goes.
That is when you start seeing the wheels turning about how he can still make all this ok and not get in trouble. He finally admitted he changed the numbers at daycare after I dropped him off that morning and tried to claim he thought I made a mistake. I lost it, I was so mad I left the table so I could cool down. SO said that I looked scary because I was so mad. He was mad too but he knew I was going to be bad cop that night so he tried to be good cop. That is fine because when he gets really mad I try to play good cop and calm him down and smooth things over. SO still backed me up and still told SS what he did was really wrong.
I made SS go to bed early, he was suppose to have a fun weekend we my parents this weekend and SO and I were going to have a date night. Well I just did not think it was right after lying to me, going behind my back and changing what was agreed on, and being flat out selfish, he does not get to go. Now he is stuck home all weekend with us. Last he gets to keep three of the book like the original plan and the rest he has to donate to a local library or something. He has to physically give them.
SO supports me totally on what the punishment. SS was warned this weekend when is attitude was not great if it did not get better he would not go to my parents house. Attitude was good until last night when he tried to lie. At the same time, I am thinking this kid has no common sense, he really thought he would think I would not notice he has 12 books, instead of 3.
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If he were my kid, he'd lose
If he were my kid, he'd lose all 12.
Lying, cheating, and sneaking
Lying, cheating, and sneaking are big no nos in my house. There would have been hell to pay and there would have been no good cop.
He was not like super good
He was not like super good cop. He just did not yell or lay down the punishment like I did. He said he was mad at SS and supported my decision. He just did not get as red face as I did. I do the same when he lays down a punishment. he can get carried away when he is mad. I keep my mouth shut and if SS looks at me I am like you heard him. You messed up. I just do not yell.
If SO is real bad in private I talk him down a little. I think you need that sometimes when you get so mad all you see is red it helps to have the other person stay more level headed but back you up and try to calm you down.
We purposefully don't do good
We purposefully don't do good cop/bad cop because we don't want any of the kids think that we're not on the same page. Our kids (skids and bio) all deal with parents who blame/deflect/don't take responsibility, so it's critical that we're together on everything. We do make sure that the other parent doesn't cross a line, but that's as close as we get to good cop/bad cop. It just doesn't work for our kids.
I also think it's a really important piece for kids to see and deal with the anger they caused and then for the parents to loop back afterward with the kiddo and be responsible for their anger, too. Sometimes that means we apologize, sometimes it means we talk calmly about what happened or why it's important that they not do whatever they did (or the reverse). Sometimes it's just reaffirmation that they screwed up.
Same here. Whether we agree
Same here. Whether we agree with each other's way of having handled the situation or not, the presence is as on the same page, and any discussion is behind closed doors to be considered for next time.
I looped back afterward and
I looped back afterward and talked to him way more calm explained why I was upset and why I got so mad. I pointed out to him "you lied to me, you went behind my back and changed something we both agreed on, and last you also acted selfish because those books were meant for kids who do not have as much as you, now even thought you do not see it you took something from them."
That may seem mean but I think he needed to understand what his actions did and all the things it effected. I think I said sorry for blowing up and yelling but that he was still in trouble and still had to accept the consequences of his actions.
You think that's mean?! My
You think that's mean?! My patents were clearly monsters if that is "mean".
I think your SS has lost the privilege to "agree" to anything for a while since he can't be trusted to follow through. Giving kids choices is always nice, but when they abuse it, they should lose it.
I also think he should lose all the books and keep none. He broke the agreement, so he loses everything. Letting him keep some of the books is still giving him some reward. It's like telling a kid they can't have dessert because they didn't eat their vegetables while doling out a second slice of pizza. It's just teaching them that they can still get something even when they do wrong.
oh hell you did not do
oh hell you did not do that.......
This is a boy who grew up, no one really cared, you came into his life and suddenly some one cared and bought him things like books, now you want him to donate his books WTF Ashmere..... The kid probably loves his books and it gives him security, you should've let him decide if he simply want to exchange or donate. I am sorry but I am all behind SS on this, if any one dares donating my books I will kill, I have a room full of books, read all of them more then once but it's mine, it's my safe heaven.....
Yes he lied to you, cause how is he suppose to tell you NO, I don't want to donate 12 books, I want my books to stay...
I think you have to go back to SS and say, sorry kiddo but why did you change the numbers, please explain to me and maybe you can still get your week-end, He will say I don't know cause now you scared the living day light out of him, his reason might sound stupid to him, but what are you going to do if SS looks at you with fear in his eyes and say, You gave me the books and I don't want to donate it....
I get it you want to be in control and turn him into a good little soldier, but you are going about it the wrong way... you should've asked him donate or exchange and leave it up to him to decide, and then simply let it go, books is not going to kill any one.... how will this kid learn to use his own mind if you keep on controlling and instructing like a helicopter parent?
I agree with you Acra!
I agree with you Acra!
I agree here too. The whole
I agree here too. The whole time I was reading it I was thinking "I wish my kids were this excited about BOOKS!". We've done book exchanges at the kids schools and I tend to let them decided which ones they want to keep and which to donate or exchange. If they want new books, you gotta let them have them. Foster that love for written word.
I know he lied, and cheated and all that, but he is also a 9 year old boy, and they do that. Just make sure the punishment fit the crime. Are you angry because he lied, or are you angry because things didn't go how YOU planned for them to. He needs to know that if he wanted something different that he could have just said "hey, maybe I can exchange more than 3 books, I would really like to read something new". He obviously doesn't feel comfortable having that conversation. I know he's a kid, but those are his things, he should have a voice too. To an extent anyway.
I did let him decide which
I did let him decide which books he would take to school. he chose the books he did not want anymore and literally like a few days before we got the note my mom bought him a whole bunch of new books he kept all those because he really likes them.
I also told him why we were donating and that to not worry, SO and I will get him more books. I also know that my mom will buy him more. I told him that when I said he should donate most of them. I was using this opportunity to start teaching him about giving and helping others.
I agree kids should have a voice, he did to an extent by choosing the books he did not want anymore. I never said it had to be that many never said he had to exchange any or give up any to begin with. I did say before he picked the books that he can exchange some and will also donate some.
I didn't read all of the
I didn't read all of the responses before I posted. I see below where you addressed this already. Parenting is tricky. Sure do wish it came with a handbook.
LOL. Me too. Would make
LOL. Me too. Would make things so much easier there was something saying this happens do this. Nope no kid is the same.
You start teaching them about
You start teaching them about donations with old too small clothing, things they can't use anymore
Yes! I was thinking this
Yes! I was thinking this while I read.
He's 9. Honestly this isn't
He's 9. Honestly this isn't all that surprising in terms of behavior. Not that you should let it go.
Be careful setting a punishment that is so far out and so extreme. By the time you get to the point the kid really doesn't get it anymore. Losing this weekend isn't an issue but saying nothing all summer is a bit much. Even more so when it's only March. What leverage do you have for good behavior and why does it matter to him if he's already lost the whole summer.
I said loosing all summer so
I said loosing all summer so he would finally admit the truth. He did not loose his summer. He still has that.
Be careful what you say for
Be careful what you say for shock value... That can escalate and cause a kid to start feeling just really manipulated... If you threaten something you need to be prepared to follow through with it.
Thank you. Trust me I would
Thank you. Trust me I would have followed through with it. I also knew he valued being able to go on trips all summer that he would admit the truth. If it had back fired on me I would have stuck to my guns if I had to.
Works for me Just make sure
Works for me
Just make sure the crime fits the punishment. lol
But that didn't. He lies over
But that didn't. He lies over some books and as such his whole summer which is months out is ruined? Why does he have any incentive to behave after that. Doesn't matter anyways. He's 9 on top of that. His long term planning pretty much doesn't exist.
There was no previous warning that this was a possibility either. It was pulled out of no where. As said it's extreme and for shock value. These kinds of things do not go over well.
I didn't say this one did fit
I didn't say this one did fit the crime. LOL. I just didn't see it as a hill to die on.
When SD5 lies normally her punishment is losing her tablet for the evening. Gets the point across, without prolonging. I agree MONTHS ruined is excessive.
I wish that worked these
I wish that worked these days. Have tried taking a tablet away. Have tried taking tv away. We have tried many things and it is like nothing works. He still continues to lie and is really testing all the boundaries.
I love him I really do but I get frustrated because I know he does some of things he does because of age, but the other factor is he has never suffered consequences in the past. My SO and his parents and the aunt all contributed to this. SO would try to punish and his dad would try to carry it out while he was away for work. Come the weekend if Aunt wanted to take him or the g-parents wanted a break SS would go over to his aunts house and play on her tablet, or go to the trampoline places, or go see a movie and just do fun things.
Come on here is a kid who barely has time during the week to really play much on his tablet while in school so he does not care about the stuff and he knows he will still get to have fun all weekend and do stuff he wants. I get they all did the best they could but since communication seriously lacked in SO's family SS just got away with everything.
When we first moved in I took it easy on him a little because I got things were new and different it has been almost a year now and he just keeps at it. Yeah I seems harsh and mean and unfair, the only thing that matters to this kid is taking things away that are super fun or things where he knows he will be the center of attention.
Just be consistent. He lies
Just be consistent. He lies and he loses something he cares about.
With the books, talk to him first. But an easier solution maybe. Talk to him about it all and let him know he needs to talk to you ahead of time if he has issues so you're aware. But since he was only supposed to exchange 3 books. have him pick 9 books you can take to donate out of his 12 instead. Even use it as a teaching opportunity. Something about how some kids can't afford books and don't have them. So in order for them to get them they have to be donated.
I'm assuming you have a lot more books for him? Just make sure he gets to keep his 3 favorites as well. I get you're upset he lied, but kids can get possessive over things that mean something to them and you don't want to tear it all away either.
Also on the topic of lying... Something that helped SD5 is letting her know we were disappointed in her because we thought she was better than that. It helped her think and now when something happens she comes to us and tells us about it and normally ends it with "see? I'm a big girl!" She knows now.
May work on your SS as well.
Did you pick out the 12 books
Did you pick out the 12 books that he was to donate or did he pick them out himself?
When my BS was younger I would pick and choose what items out of his room needed to be thrown away, donated, etc. But as he got older I made sure to include him in these decisions because they are HIS items.
he got the paper and I said
he got the paper and I said go through your books figure out which ones you do not want and we will exchange and donate them. He came back with 15 books. I said this is really good but since you have so many and my mom just bought you 10 new books why don't we donate most of these. I explained to him why we donate and where they would go. Yes i chose the number he was donating. All in all he was still never going to see any of these books again.
he admitted he did just because he wanted more books. I was trying to teach him we have plenty in the house and he is a lucky boy and sometimes when we have so much it is good to give to others. I was trying to use this as a teaching moment.
This kids loves books- send
This kids loves books- send him here- I will adopt him and he can bring all his books and we'll sit and read them all and then when we've finished we'll go and get some more!
He does not love books trust
He does not love books trust me on that one. It was a struggle to get him to read and finally found a few series he really likes to read. He kept all those. He only reads for the required time and on the weekends we always have to remind him to read. He is not big on it but he does it because he knows he has to.
He just wanted to have more because unfortunately he has been very spoiled his whole life. I get that at young age you want things. I was just trying to teach him it is good to give when you have more than you need.
Ok- but I don't think you can
Ok- but I don't think you can teach kids generosity if they are naturally acquisitive. If he has been spoiled his whole life then I struggle to see that it will be so easy to 'unspoil' him. Kids who gain a need for 'stuff' tend to see it as a replacement for affection and positive attention. I'm not sure it is easy to break through that.
I flip my lid when my SS9
I flip my lid when my SS9 does stuff like this. We cannot for the life of us get him to put deodorant and brush his teeth without reminding him every morning. And he'll lie about doing it. When I catch him lying I make him use my deodorant. Don't wanna smell like a girl? Then remember yours.
I think what you did was fair. He needs to know the severity of lying. Was never about the books!
I love books, but kids
I love books, but kids outgrow them just like they do everything else. So I'm not going to clutch my library loving pearls over some donated kid's books. You should not have threatened a consequence you don't intend to follow through with giving. He will learn your threats aren't real. It will backfire.
Why are you punishing SS?
Why are you punishing SS? Don't feed me the line that you and SO are a team, blah blah blah. No. SS lied to you. SO needs to be chewing his rear end off for not only committing fraud (on a baby scale, I know) and lying, but lying TO YOU. That was disrespectful TO YOU.
It's one thing to punish a kid for breaking a house rule, like taking a snack to his room. To lie to your face is an act of disrespect, one that needs to be punished by your SO so he makes it clear that your value and word carries the same weight as his.
Never, ever should you be "bad cop" while your SO is "good cop". Your SO, as a single parent, is ALWAYS bad cop. I know you don't like that answer and will disagree, but your SS is testing to see what he can get away with both in actions and how he talks to you. Your SO needs to crack down on him with this NOW so that you CAN keep a good (or better) relationship with SS in the future.
I get what you are saying. SO
I get what you are saying. SO has cracked down on him before for things he has done to him and for lying to me before this one. I snapped last night the instant SS tried to say he thought I made a mistake and wrote down the wrong number. I was calm until he tried to put the blame on me.
Oh man and I just snapped and when I realized about to say some mean things I walked away to calm down. This past weekend SS and I had a little thing. SO was at work and SS did not latch the pet gate right, I got on him as I was the only one home and he tried to get out of it by blaming the dog. It was a whole thing. The next day we run some errands SO, I and SS. Of course SS touched everything and tries to act like he is grown being involved in everything. He is walking staring at the ground not looking where he is going. Almost ran into a person, SO was getting pissed and smacked him on the back of the head to knock it off.
SO did talk to him when I walked away about lying to me. He does not just lie to me he lies to SO too.
Thank you for the advice I will try next time to keep calm and tell SO to deal with it.
I didn't say you had to be
I didn't say you had to be calm. I'm saying you BOTH can be bad cop for different reasons. You get to be "bad cop" for being lied to and being disrespected. SO gets to be "bad cop" for SS lying, being disrespectful, not listening to you, being fraudulent, etc. You both can be mad and you both can crack down on SS.
Yeah I can agree with that
Yeah I can agree with that and get on board with that more. I am pretty sure SS has pulled stuff like this before with his g-parents not so much with SO. He got away with because g-mom would think it was funny and clever and so did g-dad a little too. SO would just stick his head in the sand at times. He has gotten way better he still has his moments. I voice my opinion.
He was mad too but he knew I
He was mad too but he knew I was going to be bad cop that night so he tried to be good cop.
He is the parent, why is he trying to play "good cop", instead of disciplining his son for what he did?
Agreed. Even more so that you
Agreed. Even more so that you are a stepparent. You guys have to be one team. He can't play good guy because that just pits you against the boy more and more.
When he brought the paper
When he brought the paper home from school the first time, you decided how many books to donate and exchange.
The books were his, no matter who gave them to him or how many he is going to get in the future. While you and Dad can encourage him to donate rather than exchange, the final decision should have been his as they were his books.
My opinion, you can be upset with him for changing the numbers on the paper and lying about it, but not about wanting to just exchange books. His books should be his decision.
As to the threat of all summer punishment. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't be mean when you say it.
Don't threaten something that will never happen. SS's actions on this, while needing correction, do not warrant a multi month punishment.
I guess I don't see the big
I guess I don't see the big issue in telling SS he needed to donate things he didn't use anymore. It's no different than old toys or clothes that don't fit anymore. So long as SS is a minor and living under OP and SO's roof, they get to decide what stuff SS can have and how much he can have.
Now, if it were books that SS had bought with his own money, I'd feel differently.
Oh goodness, I help run my
Oh goodness, I help run my kids’ elementary book exchange every year and it would be a nightmare if each of our 900 students brought in even 5 books to donate. I don’t know if we could even find enough organizations to take that many books. That’s why it’s called an exchange and not a drive. We (PTA) do the book exchange bc we want to foster the kiddos’ love of reading and not every child is able to shop at the book fair, get new books at home, or even check out books from the city library. Plus it’s just fun for the kids to be able to “shop” and refresh their book collection. But we really don’t need or want tons of donations. OP, I have two in 3rd grade myself and next time I would just make sure they’re not trying to swap anything that’s in poor condition or that has special value to your family but otherwise let them make their own decisions. It’s really not that big of a deal, the whole thing is supposed to be fun with the focus on reading.
Frankly I think you went way
Frankly I think you went way overboard on punishment. This kid lost a lot for simply wanting to exchange his own books instead of donating almost all. It sounds like you got pretty angry too.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad. It’s obvious you love this boy and you are good to him. But sometimes you need to step back and think before you start over punishing. I have a friend whose parents went overboard punishing her for any infraction and boy did she do things behind their backs that would have made their skin crawl! My parents punished when and how much I really deserved and I was a really good kid.
Let the punishment and the reaction fit the crime.
I get what you are saying. He
I get what you are saying. He was warned this past weekend if his attitude did not improve he would lose going to my parents for a sleep over. Yes he had to go to bed an hour early. Yes i took away his weekend but guess what SO and I also gave up our date night.
You tell me if you warned your kid that if his attitude did not get better he would have to stay home. Yes his back talk and huffy manor got better he did this. You are telling me you would still let your kid go have fun weekend?
I wouldn’t have made him go
I wouldn’t have made him go to bed early, lose his weekend and give books back. I’d have made him give books back and go to bed early maybe. I think that would have been enough punishment. He didn’t rob the place. It’s easier to be harder on a kid who isn’t your bio. I’m not saying this to you aggressively. I think you are trying to be the best stepmom you can be. And it’s obvious Dad wants you to be the parent. But don’t try so hard you burn yourself out and become resentful. Honestly you remind me of myself when my dh and I started out.
I get what you are saying.
I get what you are saying. Honestly if his attitude had not been bad lately and he had not been warned he was going to lose going to my parents for a sleep over might not have taken it away. Also he tried to say he thought I made a mistake and wiggle his way out still when he admitted the truth.
Also my parents and his aunt and some others are coming over this weekend for dinner so he will still get plenty of attention.