When should we start the process of Adopting?
If you have kept up with my blog you all know I have a SS9 who lives with me and my SO full time and BM is not in the picture. We are getting married in October.(Might be legally sooner due to switching jobs and insurance.) Anyway.....
SO and I both agreed that I would like to adopt SS and make everything legal. I just want to know when I should start. Should I talk to a lawyer soon just to see what is all involved and make sure we all our ducks in a row so that one we are married the process will hopefully go smoother? Should I wait.
Before anyone says I should not adopt or just let things be. That is not happening, me adopting is going to happen, hopefully. I do understand that there are some obstacles we have to over come. Biggest is hoping that his BM will just officially give up rights and allow this to happen. No I am not pushing her out of the picture or anything like that. If she was in the picture and involved I would never even entertain this idea. If SS had any clue who she was or asked about her or even mentioned her at all I would still not entertain this idea.
SO and I have no intention of keeping things from him when he gets older. He asks when he is older and want to know who she is or meet her, great I will drive him myself. All I am thinking about and so is SO, is providing him with a safe and secure home. If anything happens to SO, he wants me to be able to keep SS with me. I want the same. It has been almost a year of all of us living together and while not perfect all the time, it has been pretty great. SS refers to me as mom outside of the house and is so happy. At this point I am his mom in every way but biologically.
So if anyone on here has been through this please let me know what I should do and what I need to have in order to start the process. I am only thinking of this because every time I actually look at the calendar another month has gone by so quick. I know October will be here before I know it. I want to start the paperwork ASAP.
Thank for the feed back.
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Start now, it's not an easy
Start now, it's not an easy process... the actual adoption can happen after you are married or on the day of the wedding you can hand the adoption approved certificate to SS.
I know adoptions takes long, and the approval of a person, so simply start now.
But ASh - adoption is not the only way you can keep SS, SO can simply get a lawyer and you get court appointed as legal guardian. It's much easier.
It also does not matter if anything should happen to SO/DH, legally it stands just like adoption, once you are appointed legal guardian you are the authority figure after the bio parent is not there
Thank you, I have looked into
Thank you, I have looked into that and we have the paperwork for it. The thing is there is a part in the paperwork that still says we have to notify the BM. I think in my state because she never officially gave up her rights she still has to be notified. I figure well if she has to be informed might as well just go for the whole thing.
I get him appointing me will stand and it is an easier battle. She could still fight it in the future if something ever happened. Anyone one could fight it for that matter. I do not think anyone will but Adoption is a guarantee that he can not be taken away no matter what.
SO can simply inform BM now
SO can simply inform BM now that he's appointing you as legal guardian of SS, seeing she's not always available and he's not always available, this is simply a precaution in case something might happen, SS falls at school and a parent/guardian needs to sign a medical form.
Then maybe after a year or so start with the adoption, it will make your case stronger if BM still ignores SS for a full year with you as guardian and refuses to sign off her rights (there's always the possibility of this hon)
do some research on your state, at what age may a child decide where to live, talk to a lawyer, if you have full guardianship and something should happen to SO before age 16 (eg) can people take it away from you, taking into consideration, SS does not know his mother, you are all that he knows for years, courts might just turn in your favor.
I would simply inform BM like in my first paragraph and then hang tight for a year or 2 before I adopt, it will make adoption quicker then and sometimes the court strips a person of parental rights, they do not wait for a person to give it up
We do not know how to get a
We do not know how to get a hold of her. We still need a lawyer to find out where she is and notify her via that way.
SO has no address or phone number for her. Yes he can find her on social media, let's face it. That is not the way to go about doing anything. SO has had not actual contact information for her for years.
Based on what I am going
Based on what I am going through with becoming guardian for disabled SS (BM never had custody) and we don't know where she lives or her last name even, we just use her last known address and have to publish it in local newspapers for a certain amount of time. Nothing was said about social media.
Thanks. I think we can file
Thanks. I think we can file not for legal guardianship. Maybe that is best way to go for now, if she knows and still does nothing it makes our case that much stronger. I will adopt in the future.
Does the social media page
Does the social media page show the area she currently lives in? If so, is it in your area, locale within say, twenty miles?
It's not as simple as just informing her, she actually has to sign off and relinquish her parenting rights. Not having custody doesn't mean she has no parenting rights (thus why so many children often languish in the system unable to be adopted, though some of that is slowly changing).
When my ODD's horse's *ss of a husband relinquished his rights to his two boys (the SF was wanting and willing to adopt), he had to attend a court hearing and the judge questioned him and made sure he understood what he was relinquishing and to what extent. SIL was also warned that the action could and would be held against him in any future child custody cases. Meaning if anything happened in his marriage to my idiot daughter, their joint child may be automatically awarded to ODD 100% physical and legal custody of their joint child.
Being you've mentioned the BM is married with a couple young kids with her husband, this one point might be of real concern to her.
And yeah, SIL was notified by the court to his last known address (which was his mother's current address) and it was published three times in the paper of the last known city he resided in.
Not true. If they don't come
Not true. If they don't come forward after a designated period of time, adoptions can go through without the parent.
as I said, some things are
as I said, some things are slowly changing.
Sure my SIL could have ignored the hearing and went down by default. Quicker, easier process now in some states than it was ten years ago. Ash asked for experiences and I gave my family's and how it occurred in my state. However so many children have went into the system and remained there because the mother refused to relinquish (some of them while the mother sat in prison for years. Its really been only since the states have tried to cut cost to state budgets that gradually laws are changing.
I appreciate your feedback. I
I appreciate your feedback. I think in my state if she has not had contact, or done anything to support SS in such amount of time the state can terminate her rights. I am pretty sure if she gets notified and does nothing at all the state can decided to terminate her rights and allow me to adopt.
I am pretty sure weather I adopt or go for legal guardianship, she is notified. It would be her choice.
I was adopted by my stepdad
I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 8. Best thing my parents have ever done. My bio was in jail and lost in the system. Due to not being able to find him, he never got to contest-- Once again-- best thing to ever happen to me! Good luck, I want to say even back in the early 80's it took over a year. I would start the paperwork now, you guys will be married before anything ever makes it to a judge.
I found my bio out of curiosity when I was 19. He is a sick and horrible person who told me things like my mom deserved it when he beat her to a bloody pulp and that yes, he did take my formula and leave my mom without a car to punish her and yes, he did need to shoot my sisters dog in the head in front of her when she was 6 to teach her to not be a little shit. Sooo... yeah, my mom and dad saved me from ever having to remember anything like that. He didn't deserve a chance in the fight. My 1/2 sister however, wasn't saved like me and has serious scars from him being in her life from time to time.
How does SS feel about this?
How does SS feel about this? Like, REALLY feel? How are you and SO going to handle it if BM not only says no, but wants to start having visitation with SS?
You need to talk to two people. First, a lawyer to figure out the full legal process, cost, timeline, etc. That c an happen at any point. Second, a family therapist who specializes in these types of adoptions. I think SS needs to have a safe third party to share his thoughts and feelings wit regarding this situation. You aren't just going to be his legal guardian; you're going to be MOM, which comes with its own set of baggage for SS that he may not eve realize that he has, or that he will develop and needs to learn coping skills now.
I would also recommend that you and SO go through couples and individual counseling before doing this. Everything is sunshine and roses right now, but how does your SO REALLY feel if you two were to split and you are legally SS's mother? He will HAVE to share custody and visitation. Is he REALLY comfortable with that? Will he push you to sign over SS if you divorce? You two may not think about that, or you may not fully think about it because it's a hurtful thing to think about when everything seems rosy. However, someone trained and qualified can help walk you through those and other questions you haven't even thought to ask ourselves.
Additionally, like Acra said, why not go for legal guardian? Why not do that now and then ease into adoption as the years progress? If BM wants SS, she'll either get him now when SO's lawyer approaches her or later if something happens to SO. I'm not seeing a downside to legal guardianship, and it protects you in case things go south with either SO or SS.
This should NOT be a process you look at finishing quickly. Even people who adopt babies from patents who willingly give them up take lots of time hammering out details. This is by far a much more complicated situation. If the legal issues are the ones you are worried about, take care of those now to protect SS as best as possible. But for the long-haul, go SLOWLY and make sure it is truly what you want to do AND is feasible for your relationships long-term.
if I recall her SS is still
if I recall her SS is still very young, I don't think he feels anything, his mother was never interested, he hardly knows her, his Grand parents and Aunt sort of raised him before ASh came into the picture
He's 9, almost 10. He
He's 9, almost 10. He completely understands his mother abandoned him. He is aware that dad's GF is nice and it's been a year or so of honeymoon blending.
He is not almost 10. He just
He is not almost 10. He just turned 9 a few months ago. Yes he get his mom is not around. I do not think he fully grasps the idea of abandoning. He is still young. No one said it has been a honeymoon of blending. We have had fights and arguments. There has been some challenges along the way.
I am not always nice to SS. I treat him like I would treat my own kid. I parent him.
Kids realize more than you
Kids realize more than you think. SD9 and SD5 realize that "mommy" ditched... It's only been 9 months... Sometimes they still make excuses up for her like "she's busy." But in all... They've caught on, and it's sad to watch. But kids realize a LOT more than we give them credit for.
I get he understands a lot.
I get he understands a lot. Maybe he does get that she abandoned him. I am just not sure he fully gets what all that really means. I think he is starting to more and more. Only time can tell how he will handle it all.
We watch tv as a family every night and the one show we watch has kinda touched on this subject with a mom not being involved in her son's life much and he comes around when he is older. He did not say anything or ask any questions. I thought for sure he would say something. Nope.
All of this. I don't
All of this. I don't understand the hurry. The purpose of an adoption should be that you want to be a parent for this child for the rest his life, not to ensure BM stays away. She can come back into his life at any point, regardless of her legal rights.
This kid is at a tricky age. He's figuring stuff out. I don't believe kids should decide if a parent dates or marries, but I do think their feelings should be considered when it comes to adoption. But he's not yet old enough to truly understand the ramifications of this decision.
THIS!!
THIS!!
I agree he is not old enough.
I agree he is not old enough. My purpose is not too keep her away. Sorry you took it that way, my purpose of wanting to adopt SS is to ensure that I am his parent for the rest of his life. I want to be responsible for him, from now until forever. I love this little boy very much and I treat him like he is my son all the time.
SS is happy the three of us are living together and he loves his home with us. I do not need to ask him what he wants or what is going on in his head all the time, I witness it first hand. He stands at the door waiting for me everyday and gives me a big hug. When I was sick last week on V-day and in bed. He made me a card telling me how much he loves me, and how much he loves the new house, and wants me to get better soon.
No I do not spoil him, SO and I are both strict and on the same page with how we do things with SS. I want to be his mom, I want to be there for him. This has nothing to do with keeping her away. All this is about is providing SS with two loving parents and a safe, happy, healthy home.
When he is older and asks and wants to know her or see her, I will help him.
you can be responsible for
you can be responsible for him from now until forever without forcing his mother out of his life.
you can treat him like your son without forcing his mother out of his life.
he can love you like a parent without you forcing his mother out of his life.
No one is forcing her out.
No one is forcing her out. SHE WALKED OUT!!!!
you can be responsible for
you can be responsible for him from now until forever without forcing his mother out of his life.
you can treat him like your son without forcing his mother out of his life.
he can love you like a parent without you forcing his mother out of his life.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I thought his mother was not in his life and had not been in his life for years. How can she be forced out if she is not even in it?
I think the OP is moving a little fast here also but not because of the BM. IMHO…BM is a useless sack of shit who abandoned her kid and should not have any rights anyway. My reason for thinking OP is moving fast is, I am not sure OP actually feels like a mother to this child yet. I am not sure she understands that she will be his MOTHER then. If something happens to SO the child will be her responsibility. I could be wrong.
I do think OPs heart is in the right place and I could be totally wrong and she actually loves this child as her own. If so, that is GREAT and they need to start the adoption asap. SS needs a mother and OP seems to mother him very well. Not overly critical but not as a Disney either.
Willow you just made me
Willow you just made me smile. Thank you for your kind words. I do get that I will be his mother and that he will be mine no matter what happens. I get if something happens to SO, SS will be mine to take care of and provide and parent.
If SS gets sick and needs lots of medical stuff, yes I understand that I will be responsible for all that. I am 32 and have lived my life, this is the next chapter in my life and I knew going into this relationship what was involved. I know that my SO was looking for a partner in life but also someone who would be a mother to his son and love his son as their own.
It is fast and quick. I just want to start the process. I do think it can take a long time. I love this kid very much.
because it's not for OP to
because it's not for OP to decide whether or not a woman should have access to her own kid.
Honestly how do you not see
Honestly how do you not see she made the decision her self 6 years ago by just not contacting. She already made this decision a long time ago. At this point it is SO's and SS's decision to decide if the BM gets contact or not. SO's answer is no if she reaches out and SO gets decided who he wants his son to be with if anything happens to him. He wants it to be me not the BM who SS does not know at all.
SO will ask my opinion and include me on anything related to SS as that is how we have decided our family works.
Again SHE WALKED AWAY 6 YEARS AGO. How do you not get this?
My BM walked away six years
My BM walked away six years ago, too. Doesn't change the fact that she is their mother...
You and I will never agree on
You and I will never agree on this. Does she ever contact them? Does she pay support? Do they have memories of her?
No. Yes. Yes.
No. Yes. Yes.
Well our situation is a
Well our situation is a little different SS has no memory of her and she does not provide any support at all. She literally chose to be out of his life. I am not forcing anything.
Do not be surprised if BM
Do not be surprised if BM suddenly decides to reappear. My former skids' BM was, quite literally, a crack 'ho who decide that 'ho-ing and drugs were more important than her children. She effectively disappeared for quite some time. IF she had a job, it was under the table as she was not collecting wages and paying taxes. One day, she decided she wanted to be Mommy again and showed up on her parents' doorstep - strung out, shaking for lack of a fix, and looking like a skeleton because she was so underweight.
She never paid a penny of support while I raised her children.
She never contacted them.
They remembered her.
Plenty of people are sh!t parents and their children still want a relationship with them.
Yeah I get that. I am just
Yeah I get that. I am just telling WOB I am not forcing anyone away. How can I when she has not been around and SS has no memory of her at all.
I know she has not stayed away because of drugs or anything like that.
I have no clue why she decided to not contact and to stay away. I can not guess or assume her reasons either. What I do know and truly believe and is also legally written, is that my SO gets all the say and decides everything for his son. If he thinks this is what is best for his son and I am on board with it, why not?
He may want a relationship with her one day and I am totally ok with that I really am. I am sure I will feel butt hurt a little and kinda jealous but I am an adult and will accept it as his choice. Only time can tell.
What do you know about BM and
What do you know about BM and her life? IOW, could she be dead? Sick? I'm just wondering if there could be ANY type of logical explanation. Poor SS.
She is remarried with a few
She is remarried with a few kids and lives about a half hour away from us. I did a facebook search one time and that is what came up. I have not looked since. Maybe there is an explanation but no one knows what it is.
Well you have the paperwork
Well you have the paperwork already and you seemed keen to take the advice to start the process now, so forgive me if I have the wrong impression that you seem to be in a hurry.
I don't think asking SS how he feels about his own ADOPTION is asking what's going on in his head all the time. I know firsthand how a kid's actions don't always match what is going on in his head. And his feelings about his mom and YOU are very likely to change in the very near future.
You aren't even married. Pump the breaks.
What are your plans if she
What are your plans if she doesn't consent to the adoption?
There are two sides to that
There are two sides to that one.
1. If she denies and still is not involved I think the court can terminate her rights and I would be allowed to adopt.
2. If she denies and wants to be involved the existing agreement would be amended with way of allowing that to happen. Also SO and I would go after her for support. She has never paid it because SO never wanted anything from her. That can change. We would get SS into therapy.
I strongly believe is she were to try to be apart of his life at this point it will not go well. I do not think SS will want to know her. I also think when he finds out she has more kids, 3 that I know of and one only like a couple years younger than him, that will have a huge impact on him. She walked away from him but like two years later when she was only 20 she was able to mom these other kids. I get there is a long road ahead of us. It may not be pretty, I can not predict the future.
1. If she does not consent,
1. If she does not consent, you will have a very hard time getting a judge to terminate her rights.
2. You actually have no idea how the kid will feel. And, you shouldn't be in the business of predicting how other humans will react.
3. In my opinion, this is a monumentally bad idea. For lots and lots of reasons.
We will have a hard time. To
We will have a hard time. To me and SO it is worth the fight.
My SO knows his son and I know this kid too. I do have some idea how he would feel. Not 100% certain but a good idea.
Why is it such a bad idea. Me adopting does not change how our home runs or how we are as a family. It has always been known if SS asks about her or wants to know anything or connect with her we would never prevent that from happening.
I love that you are doing
I love that you are doing this! Not all family is blood.
Why is it a bad idea? Well
Why is it a bad idea?
Well for starters, for the very reason you stated - "my adopting him doesn't change how our home runs or how we are as a family."
You don't need to adopt him. You just said so.
He has a mother. She might be a good one, she might be a bad one. It's not for you to decide.
Why are you so against this?
Why are you so against this? She bailed and walked away from SS. I am not the one deciding if she is a good mom or a bad one. She made the decision a long time ago when she just stopped all contact.
Maybe she is great mom to the kids she has with her. Maybe she does everything right for them. She walked away from SS. This has nothing to do with her. Legally yes but not totally, SO and I want to ensure a safe future for SS. That is what this is about. You are trying to make me out to be some kind of monster who is taking a kid from his mother. She walked away and left him. I was no where around when that happened.
I am the one helping raise him and I do take responsibility for him all the time. He does live in my house and I do parent him and financially support him by paying for everything that SO and I have. I treat him like his is my kid and he calls me mom outside the home. Yeah I think I should get a say in his future at some point.
You are twisting my words and making me out at the bad person here.
You are maybe too defensive
You are maybe too defensive to realize WOB isn't defending the deadbeat bm. She is concerned for that little boy. That is also my concern. And neither of us think you are a monster, just perhaps too eager to adopt.
You have said several times it would change nothing in your home. You can make all the decisions you want in his regard. I have never had issues with schools or doctors because I was a SM and not an adoptive parent.
Adoption changes nothing for you (so you believe) but it changes everything for your SS. It's not something you should rush into.
Deadbeat is gone. You have a good thing going. Why poke the bear if it changes nothing for you? Why tempt the bm to be an active role in your life?
When SS is older and the marraige has proven to be lasting, by all means, adopt him. But I think you are being a bit naive to think his mother abandoning him won't affect things down the road.
Let me tell you something -
Let me tell you something - my skids' mom walked away from them, too. Six years ago. I think she is a bad person and wasn't a great mom, but I would never do anything to eliminate her from their lives.
I would never do what you're doing - it's not for me to decide whether or not some other woman's kids should lost contact with her.
You CAN ensure a safe future for this kid without adopting him. You said yourself that you love and treat him like your own. You can still raise him, still take responsibility for him, still pay for his things. That's great, good for you. More power to you, I say. None of that changes whether you adopt him or not.
I am not twisting your words, I am quoting them. Big difference.
When you first came here, you were all kinds of upset that your man's sister and other relatives were involved in raising this kid. You raised quite a stink about it and when we tried to explain to you that other people are allowed to love this kid, you argued back and became what I see as very territorial about this kid.
That's why I think this is a bad idea - because I think your motives are suspect.
I am telling you they are not
I am telling you they are not suspect. How many times do I have to say I am not eliminating her. He wants to know her or see her I will take him myself. It is that simple.
I am not trying to cut anyone out. The g-parents are still involved but loving life in FL and in contact like 2 or 3 times a month. As for the aunt she still takes him for sleepovers, her and I and SS all just went sking this past weekend. We invite her over all time or even go to her place. I have not cut anyone out of his life. I did set boundaries at one point but they needed to be set in order for SO, SS and I to figure out a new way of life with the three of us.
You are twisting things and ignoring that I started out by saying I am not cutting him off from her. He wants to contact her or know her I am all for it.
and I am saying that I think
and I am saying that I think they are.
And again, I am not twisting your words. I am repeating them back to you.
You do not know me. All you
You do not know me. All you read a blog and are judging me on venting and saying things that irritate me. You do not know me or know anything about my life. You are very quick to judge me.
you are correct, I do not
you are correct, I do not know you. But you're wrong when you say I don't know anything about your life. You put it out there in your blogs.
I can read your blogs and I can see the resistance you have to any other woman being around this kid.
I think we're done here.
Rock on with your bad self.
What you saw as resistance
What you saw as resistance was me setting boundaries. Guess what they worked and I get along with his sister great now. She is still around a lot and very involved.
I will rock on with my bad self. Because I do not focus on the negative and not at all see any of the good that people post.
I'm not trying to start a war
I'm not trying to start a war but I think some of the comments you are getting are from those jaded by their own experiences with their Skids and would never dream of adopting them and can't wait until they are 18 and out of the picture (I know how they feel, I feel the same but mine for different reasons)
Anyway, I think it is awesome that you have such a close bond with your SS that you would take this step to secure his future. I am a bit of a devil's advocate so I always have an escape plan in case relationships don't work out so I would bear this in mind that IF for any reason your relationship didn't workout, you would still be tied to your SO by this child.
Apart from that, I think it is always wise to get advice as early as possible and do all your research. Once you are armed with this you can always decide if you want to start the process ASAP or wait just to imbedded your relationship/marriage/shared home a bit longer. I think at 9 your SS is old enough to express his feelings and as long as he knows the door is always open for him to meet his Bio if he wishes, then I don't think you can be seen as trying to keep him from her/her family.
Just out of interest, do you have any contacts for her family?
You can have the plan in a
You can have the plan in a prenup that would determine what would happen if the marriage failed. As an adopted kid, I know there is no way my dad would have given anything up with me... even when I was a miserable teenager if anything would have happened between him and my mom. I was his and my kids are his grandkids - even if we do bust up laughing whenever people say that my son looks just like him!
No, there has been no contact
No, there has been no contact with her or her family in years. None of them have tried. SO and SS lived in the same house, with the same landline number, SO's cell has never changed either, and still no one has contact in 6 or more years.
Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it. He never mentions his BM or asks about her. He is just a really happy easy going kid. We are close, he comes to me with stuff, asks me questions about things all the time. I am surprised some days that things have been pretty easy with us all living together and becoming a family.
I just love this kid. All the good and the bad.
I would hold off until he’s
I would hold off until he’s older and then see how he feels about it. What is the rush?
I know for stepparent
I know for stepparent adoption they normally like to see a year together, idk if not married counts or what the rules are for your state, may need to check in your state
That just shows stability so a judge is more likely to grant it.
Once you file a petition I think the Bio-parent has 30 days in most states to respond, If they fail to respond normally they'll let an adoption go through. They want the Bio-parent to really have been out of the picture for 6 months- a year (so you got that!!!) and for another party to be willing to adopt (score for you there too!)
Keep us updated! That's exciting!
Thank you just wanted to know
Thank you just wanted to know what is involved. I know we really need to talk to a lawyer.
I will keep you updated.
Thank you and I hope it works
Thank you and I hope it works out! The whole point of step parent adoption is to make sure that the kid has two loving parents and two people that will be responsible if something happens to one or the other. From what I can tell that's your aim
My one thought (sorry I don’t
My one thought (sorry I don’t follow your posts) is that make sure this is what you want. It’s a huge commitment. If you have felt the urge to disengage in the past, perhaps have a couple of years go by when you don’t feel that urge.
Wishing you luck.
I have never had the urge to
I have never had the urge to disengage. Thank you for the words.
Ash I am in similar yet
Ash I am in similar yet different situation. My BS does not remember his BF who moved across the country when he was 1, last time he saw him he was 4 and only for a few hours. DH wants to adopt my BS who will be 18 in a month...DH and I both spoke with BS about this and asked him how he felt. BS would like for DH to adopt him and has zero interest in contacting his BF.
As BS grew and got older and started asking questions I gave him the limited information I had on BF and let him know he could reach out to him at any time if he wanted to...as far as I know BS never reached out and contacted BF. I also know my ex has never tried to contact BS other than to send a support check once a month.
For me I am conflicted, I am very happy that DH feels BS is his own and would like to make that legal, yet at the same time I think BS should at some point at least meet his BF. I have talked to BS about this and he is adamant he wants nothing to do with his BF and that his feelings on this won't change.
Personally I think you should let this ride until SS is 18, then he can make the decision on his own as an adult. DH and I talked about him adopting BS when he was younger and we always tabled it thinking it would be best if BS had a choice in this and was an adult and legally able to make his own decision.
I don't think anything you are doing is right or wrong, I just think you should take time to really consider this and give SS a voice in all of this as well.
Thank you. We could wait just
Thank you. We could wait just not entirely sure that is the best option. SS does not get any support from her at all and never has.
Let me offer you some advice on you BS not wanting anything to do with BD. Just let it be. My cousin similar situation to you. He BD terminated his rights when he was very young like 1 or a little older. My cousin wants nothing to do with him and considers his step-dad who adopted him his dad.
Some kids and some people get they had a happy loving home and their bio-parents just were not there and it is what it is. They live happy fulfilling lives. I would not push it. Just let it be.
Since you waited and now your BS is 18 how did you handle the what if something happens to you what happens to your son? Did you make a plan or have any legal thing done to make sure you DH would keep your son?
"Since you waited and now
"Since you waited and now your BS is 18 how did you handle the what if something happens to you what happens to your son? Did you make a plan or have any legal thing done to make sure you DH would keep your son?"
My Ex was abusive to me so I worked very hard to ensure I dealt with him as little as possible once we were divorced.
Honestly that was something we discussed and worried about, but decided that if anything catastrophic did happen my DH and my parents could fight my ex in court over it. I know that sounds like we were kind of just ignoring the issue, but at that point in time we felt this was the best option aside.
My advice? Get married first.
My advice? Get married first. Give it a couple years. If everything stays the way you want it to be then adopt him.
I was so in love with my SD when dh and I started dating. I was childless, wanted to be a mom. Things change and the normal ness of life kicks in. I think you seem very lovely and will probably still want to adopt. I wouldn’t now and I still love my SD. But just give yourself some time. Is there a reason to jump even before you are married?
Agree with this advice. Wait
Agree with this advice. Wait a bit after you get married. Marriage changes A LOT of things.
No particular reason really.
No particular reason really. I just like to plan and prepare for things that is all. I just fear that is something happens to my SO my SS would end up with someone he does not even known. He would also learn he has several siblings and be put in environment that is totally foreign to him. SO and I both want to just make sure that does not happen.
We are getting married in a few months. I gt everything has moved so very fast. That is not always a bad thing. Those closest to me who know me best are not worried, they never voiced concern or said anything negative to me about it all. They know me and know the person I am.
If the closest people to me in this world had any concerns about what I am doing or talking about I would rethink things. I never wanted to be a mom. I still not sure I want any Bio-kids. I am a mom to this little boy and I have never been happier. I am happy being his mom and being married to my SO soon.
Put it this way I never felt I was missing out on anything in my life. But they thought of one day not having my SO or my SS in my life that I know would leave me feeling empty.
SS is nine. That he doesn't
SS is nine. That he doesn't talk about BM does not mean that he is unaware of her or does not miss her. You can miss what you do not remember.
SS may miss the IDEA of BM.
SS may miss the IDEA of BM. Especially when friends and schoolmates have BMs and likely talk about them.
I agree on the idea of her. I
I agree on the idea of her. I think he did for a long time miss the idea of having a mom. I do not know for sure but I have a pretty good idea. I do not think he misses the idea of her much anymore.
If he does still miss the
If he does still miss the idea of her, he may have decided to stop mentioning it.
Possibly but he never really
Possibly but he never really mentioned it much before either. Randomly would ask but not a lot. He just stopped and I know when he did mention or ask SO would be honest and show him a picture of her that use to be up in his parents house. They put it away I am not sure why.
From what I gather no one has ever lied to him or keep things from him when it came to talk about her. He is really easy going kid and does not give much thought to anything other than like playing games, watching his favorite shows, playing sports, school and homework. He has hardly talk about his g-parents moving to FL. Even his teacher has said she forgets he is a new kid because he gets along with the other kids so well and has a lot of friends.
He is just a goes with the flow type of kid.
So would you and SO be
So would you and SO be willing to let him talk to a counselor who specializes in this to work through his feelings?
Are you going to talk to him about this first? If so, will you two change your minds if he states that he likes the idea of having you as his mom but doesn't want you to replace his BM legally? If you don't talk to him first, are you prepared for him to potentially hate you afterwards if he feels like you are replacing his mother?
I think you and SO need to REALLY think about how this will emotionally impact SS. Kids can bottle their emotions. Your SS has been acting out a bit, more than likely due to his age, but there could be underlying factors. Practically, you adopting him won't likely change much. Emotionally, though, this could cause a flood of emotions that SS doesn't even realize he has. I would hate to see you go through all of this just for him to state that he doesn't see you as his mother and then treats you like many step kids here treat their SMs.
Also, marriage changes people. It's an indescribable change, but it definitely happens. I think it is more pronounced in first marriages than in subsequent ones, but it's very real. Enjoy being an engaged couple. Enjoy a year or two married. Get legal guardianship so you have actual grounds to care for SS legally. Once these big life changes settle (moving, getting engaged, getting married, starting new jobs), look into adoption. I've said it before - your SS has been through a lot, and he is processing it all. Everything that has been happening have been things he has been comfortable with, and they haven't been directed at him. They don't impact his life long-term. However, this DOES affect him. This is ABOUT HIM. He needs to be fully aware of what is happening, and he needs to have some say. Your SO got to choose his mother, but he doesn't just get to replace her when she doesn't work out. Your SS has some emotions around this, and you all need to find out what those are specifically before you just assume that he'll be okay with it because he hasn't raised concerns about it until now.
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying. I think legal custody is the way to go right now.
If we see or feel he needs therapy yeah we will absolutely take him. I am not against it, I just do not see the need for it right now. We can talk to him about how he feels about me adopting him and making him legally mine. You are right it could do a whole emotional toll on him. I can not predict what it will do. His mom never being around and having a whole other family and not bailing on the other kids could make him feel a world of emotions too.
I get what he might think, I have thought about his feelings in all this a lot trust me. There is so many what if's in a situation like this. BM get told I hate you plenty by their own children, I did it a ton as a kid to mine.
Maybe marriage will change us I am not sure. I pretty much feel married now we have a house together with both our names on it. I know all his information, and he knows mine. I think marriage does change some people I really do especially when you are like in your early 20's. We are practically married now jut have yet to sign the piece of paper.
Thank you again for your advice. It might something we really need to discuss with SS. Just hard to do it as it can go so many ways. Right now he is in this little happy bubble of a world, if he has questions once we bring it up we will have to answer them the best we can and I do not want to hurt him or pop the little bubble. I just have a feeling if he finds out, at any point in his life that his BM has more kids, especially not much younger than him, it will make him fell like something was wrong with him. I think it will really hurt him.
THAT'S why you start therapy
THAT'S why you start therapy NOW versus later.
This whole process is going to burst his happy little world, because BM is either going to show back up and cause an emotional uproar or her signing over her rights (or having a judge terminate them) is going to cause an equally devastating bu different emotional uproar. This kid is GOING to get hurt in this process one way or another, so why not let him learn coping skills now so the blow hits in baby waves versus a tsunami?
And being "practically married" and actually being married are two very different things. Again, it's an indescribable change. People treat you differently. They scrutinize your behaviors differently. Society has different expectations. Everything around you changes, even subtly. It's things you internalize without realizing you have internalized them. You don't get that before being married unless you have been together for years and years - decades, even. You CAN'T know it unless you've been through it. Just like if you have bio kids, the feeling is going to be far different than what you feel now with SS.
Basically, you and SO need to recognize that you're not experts in this and seek outside help from people who are. Don't handle your SS's emotions around this because you know how he reacts to other common issues in his world. You know NOTHING about this process, so seek out experts. Get them involved. Worst case scenario, you spend money that you didn't need to spend because you were right. But if you're wrong, you could be setting everyone up to fail, SS most acutely.
I'm not saying a counselor is optional. I'm saying that you need to find a counselor in conjunction with an attorney. You need both. You need a professional to handle the legal side and a professional to handle the mental/emotional side. You can't navigate this. You don't have the skills or experience. Hire a professional, and hope that they tell you everything is peachy.
Thanks. You are right I am
Thanks. You are right I am not married yet. It is kinda sad that it changes they way people treat you. I do not understand that. I always treated my friends or family the same. Society sucks sometimes.
I do not know much about all this but I do know a little. Like some kids just handle it and are good while some are not. I do know that providing him a stable healthy environment during all of this is good for him. I know what it is like to have a crap parent and to be a skid and have my whole world turned upside down. I was older but I do know what it is like to have a stranger living with me filling in the role of a parent and what that felt like at first. I was able to process better because I was older but I do get some of what he may feel.
I have witnessed blended families of all kinds with my own family and also have lived it now for a very long time. My SO is not ignorant to all of it either he has two older siblings that have nothing to do with him and from what I heard that was because of their mother. It was kids from his dad's first marriage. Apparently in their 40's and still asking for money and assistance to live.
Not saying we are experts, not saying we know everything. I do not think we know nothing either. You have a point in getting a professional to asses the situation and getting feedback from them to have a better informed decision.
SS is nine. That he doesn't
SS is nine. That he doesn't talk about BM does not mean that he is unaware of her or does not miss her. You can miss what you do not remember.
Childhood trauma (having your mom abandon you qualifies as trauma) can have unexpected consequences. You may want to do some reading about childhood trauma and its affect on later life as you consider marriage and adoption.
Children who lose a parent to death or abandonment often reprocess the death or abandonment at life's milestones. The marriage, the guardianship or adoption qualify as milestones and may stir up emotions that you do not think SS has.
SS has has changes in his life. Grandparents have moved. Aunt is not living with him. Housing has changed. You have moved in. And now you are adding marriage and either guardianship or adoption. You may want to consider therapy for SS. He needs a place to process all of this. It's a lot for a nine year old.
To be honest.. this seems
To be honest.. this seems like a bad idea because you and your BF haven't been together all that long. What happens if you split up? I know no one goes into getting married thinking about a split... but honestly it is very likely that you and your BF will not stay together forever. The odds are against it.
Will you want to pay CS to your BF/EX if it comes to that? You will literally be on the hook if you are his legally adoptive parent.
Also, there are so many unanswered questions as to WHY his EX isn't in the picture. You repeatedly gloss over them. I think you need to find out from HER why she has stayed away. If her answer is.. I don't care about the kid at all.. fine maybe proceed (with the above caveat).. but she may enlighten you to a side of your BF and his family that you didn't know existed as well.
As many have said. there is not a NEED for this to happen.. why not let things go organically for a few years after you get married and do it when he is a bit older?
Thanks for saying the odds
Thanks for saying the odds are against it. That is a little negative.
I get what will happen if I adopt I am not that stupid. We are not some young stupid people getting hitched. Let's face it would I not have to think about paying CS if we had a bio-child too. I will be on the hook for a bio-child too.
There are so many unanswered questions because she just stopped. I have asked and not one person knows. They invited her to b-day parties and would set up visits with SS, it just stopped. I do not gloss over, there is no information. I have read the custody agreement, he has shown me everything. It just is what it is at this point.
Even if she could enlighten me she still has rights and the paperwork to show it yet she has not done anything with them for years.
We can wait till he is older, true and let things grow more. The question still is there what is something happens to SO, what happens to SS? Just letting that sit for a few years a lot can happen in a few years. Do you think it is smart for SO to not have a plan in place for what he would like to happen to his son in case something happened to him?
Ash, it's amazing what
Ash, it's amazing what children will overlook for a bioparent (and vice versa).
A friend of mine's now-exw decided she wanted to be a party animal instead of a Mommy and abandoned their kids. He got full custody at a time when men did NOT get custody. She paid CS. Period. No visitation, no phone calls, no letters or birthday cards. No nothing. She cared more about partying than her children. They were 4yo and 6 MONTHS old when she left. I met him when the kids were 6 and 10 and they had not seen their mother in all that time - and she lived in the same town!! Fast forward to the boy getting married at age 24. Guess who saw the engagement announcement in the paper? Yep. Good ol' Mom. 20 years AFTER she abandoned her babies. 20 freaking years. Not only was Mommy at the wedding, she had the Mommy place of honor as if she'd been in their lives all that time. She abandoned her children and they welcomed her back as if she'd simply been gone on a little vacation. That was 6 years ago and Mommy is now playing grandma and acting like she's the Mother of all Mothers. :sick:
Yeah I get that. Man that
Yeah I get that. Man that sucks if there was a step-mom in the picture who just got tossed aside. yeah I get that is my possible reality too. I feel for your friend that must have been hard on him too.
I get that can happen trust me I have thought about many times. If it does, it does. I can not really do much about it when he is older and wants a relationship with her.
Yes, there is a step mom - he
Yes, there is a step mom - he remarried 10 years ago when the children were 20 and 16. They stopped calling her 'Mom' after BM came back into the picture. I have to give him kudos - he never said a bad word about her. At least not to his kids.
I have not read all the
I have not read all the replies....but I can tell you my experience.
BM lost custody. Jail...rehab.....lies....moving....verbal abuse....abandonment......neglect.......
And guess who runs...runs.....to the mom as fast as possible.....SD.
I have been caring for her more than ANYONE for 8 years.
Doesn’t matter. At the end of the day....the pull of the uterus is STRONGER than any love you give.
This is too soon. He is too young.
Wait. He is not going anywhere.
AShmere, I do not know if
AShmere, I do not know if this is legal in your country or not, and it might cost a bit of money. (ask a lawyer)
With us, if you can't find the bio parent, and you can proof you tried to locate the bio parent through advertisements in all the national papers, the court will terminate said bio parent's right without trying to him/or her. We have to advertise 3x (once a month) and if there's no response the court immediately steps in and terminate parental rights, or grant a divorce.
Same happens when there's no Will and known family, the lawyer handling the estate will advertise, if no one comes forward the money goes to government, you can't pitch up 3 years later claiming it again. Or say but I did not want to get divorced, re-instate my wedding vows, or I never consent that she can adopt my child.
Guardianship with us needs no approval from the other bio parent. It's a simple thing to do and just as valid as adoption. If you where his legal guardian for 5 years and BM pops out from the woodwork, you will remain the legal guardian till SO cancels it, or in case of death the courts cancels it, but they will not simply cancel it because BM showed up,
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I will talk to a lawyer.