Please help....
So at this point I don't know how much longer I will be married to my DH. I asked him if he was ok if I spent some time away from him and the skids so that we could both be comfortable and take a break. He accused me of cheating and said that if I don't want to be in this marriage anymore then I just should say so. This is not the case at all. I just wanted a break and to give him a break and so he can spend one on one time with his kids. This happened over this past weekend. Fast forward to Monday night DH usually gets home from work around 5:30 pm well he was still not home after 6:30 pm so I texted him and asked him if he was working late. He said yes and that he was on his way home. So I asked him when he got home why didn't he text me to let me know that he was going to be late. He said that he forgot. I said so you were alone with female co-workers there correct? He said yes why and I said so are you staying after work for one of them? He said that I was crazy and I told him no that it doesn't feel good to be constantly accused of cheating all the time. I just wanted him to know how it felt and that I was trying to get him to see how it makes me feel when he constantly thinks I am cheating on him. Well it backfired on me and now he isn't speaking to me and told me to leave him alone. I tried to talk to him but he just ignores me. Then yesterday I was stuck in traffic on my way home and he texts me after ignoring me all day Where are you? I am thinking well you didn't care to talk to me all day long but you care where I am? I don't know what to do at this point. I guess I was wrong in trying to teach my DH a lesson and let him know how something feels when he does it to me. I have tried to apologize and talk to him but he just won't talk to me so I guess now he resents me like I resent the fact that he doesn't discipline his kids. So should I just leave him alone and let him come talk to me? I love him and I want our marriage to work but I don't know if he even cares at this point since he isn't speaking to me. Any advice will help. Thank you
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Gaslight and deflection much
Gaslight and deflection much DH? Sounds like he is the cheater and is trying to deflect the blame onto you. Screw him.
You think he is gaslighting
You think he is gaslighting me? I don't think that he is cheating. I just wanted him to know how it felt. He was cheating on by BM multiple times with different men and he thinks that I am going to do it to him as well. He is paranoid and she really messed him up. Should I just leave him be?
My DH was cheated on by both
My DH was cheated on by both of his ex wives. He has never accused me of cheating, he does not think that I am going to cheat, in fact, knows that I never would.
If your husband is that paranoid and messed up, he should get help.
This sounds so similar to my
This sounds so similar to my ex. It is gaslighting and its BS. Mature adults don't play that game, if I were to tell SO something he did made me uncomfortable or I was unahppy about something he did/didn't do we might have a short tiff over it (because I have a tendency to hoard feelings and be passive aggressive) but once it's out on the table we are able to talk it out and whoever the offending party is puts on genuine effort to recognize and understand the offended's view (and if it's me I re-vow to try harder not to bury it so long next time-which I have been doing but no one is perfect). Not this weird emotional ping pong that is miserable and uncomfortable.
tank - darln'k... you and DH
tank - darln'k...
you and DH needs to grow up Hon.... tit for tat, tit for tat... WTH are you 2 17?
Pack your bags and go to your parents for a week-end, tell DH you need time to rethink this marriage and so does he,
then you go back and the 2 off you sit down and talk.... go to couple counseling if you have to,
Get the book, Stages of relationships, read it.... and stop being this petty dammit, that's not you
He won't talk to me Acra.
He won't talk to me Acra.
write him a long letter...
write him a long letter...
short sentences and paragraphs..... about how you feel...
no no no nothing about the skids ... how you feel between you and him...
you love him... opening
then... you feel like.....
one page letters, one feeling per page and hand it to him page by page, each day.. never ask about it again, they take time processing...
this way you will not need a counselor...you text him some family emergency, get your mum to play with and go.. take the week-end to do your letters..
Don't make it long. Most men
Don't make it long. Most men will NOT read a long letter. Be honest, remove as much emotion as possible (except telling him you love him), and keep it short and to the point.
Thanks Acra and Aniki. Yeah
Thanks Acra and Aniki. Yeah he won't read a long letter.
While I am not saying that
While I am not saying that taking some time for yourself and allowing your DH and his children to bond without your having to be there is a bad thing. It is better if you don't flat out tell him.
"I am going to be spending some time away from you and the kids so we can both be comfortable and take a break"
While it may be true that his kids irk the heck out of you.. parents don't react kindly when you put their children down.
You in a sense told him that you needed time away from him and his kids because they are all (including dh) annoying you.
His hurt response is not unexpected.
It's like disengagement in itself isn't bad but don't announce to your spouse that you are disengaging.. just do it.
So, instead of announcing you were taking a "break" (which means that you find his kids and him intolerable) you tell him that there is a talk at the local college on sea nymphs and you have been dying to learn about them. Or, you signed up for a women's book club and it meets every other saturday. etc... Don't announce you will be gone because you can't stand what is happening at home.. you just make plans and tell him you are doing them because "well, you are busy with the kids and I haven't seen my sister in ages" etc.
Now, the fact that he had to teach you some lesson.. that isn't positive on his part either. Maybe the relationship isn't worth saving? You come on here every week and say you think the relationship is over... maybe it should be?
Yes we fight constantly about
Yes we fight constantly about something I say because he says that I am too blunt/vocal. That may be the case and I know that I am not always right. We either fight about BM, his kids or money or he way he thinks I am always cheating.
There is no way you can
There is no way you can 'prove' to him you aren't cheating. That is a battle he is fighting in his own head and taking the punishment out on you. In my book, unacceptable.
If you think that there is some basis for saving the relationship, then go to counseling. Otherwise, there seem to be so many strikes against things working out that sometimes.. maybe there is a good reason why they shouldn't work out?
You clearly don't like his kids and don't have patience for them or the situation. You have other issues not even related to them with your DH.. (cheating etc...)
When you said "take a break" he is taking that literally that you are going to take a break from the relationship.
It's absolutely fine and should be mandatory for couples to have things they do individually (as long as that isn't dating lol). You should be ok to have some outside interests and so should your DH.
It just seems like you have such a hard time getting along and communicating.
I know you also see me being a bit hard on you at times... and honestly I do think you can be a bit overly dramatic and that you have a low threshold for patience. It makes a relationship like yours (kids..exes) a lot harder. Some of the stuff you get twisted up about are really "no never mind" things that we all need to be able to get past because getting THAT upset about everything will make us die an early death. Maybe you could find a counselor to see on his kid's weekend for yourself }:) and a mani pedi afterwards for your "mental health"..lol.
I started going to the gym
I started going to the gym again... I go at like 3:30AM and just get a few hours of alone time to start the morning...
I'm not saying get up at the ungodly hours like I've been. But maybegetting a just you hobby could help Tank. Give you along time, DH will know what you're doing, AND you get the hobby and break without taking a weekend away. Just s thought! Plus it can be customized to what you like and coul help you recharge.
3:30AM WTF.. to go to the
3:30AM WTF.. to go to the gym....
oh heel no, I would rather wake SO and have my way with him at that hour... 5min of sheet exercises = 7km run...
LOL...Yeah 3:30 am is a
LOL...Yeah 3:30 am is a little bit too early for me as well.
An afternoon hobby will work
An afternoon hobby will work too lol. 3:30 am was just the only time I could find so I ran with it. Lmao
But I love my 7km run and
But I love my 7km run and lifting s***. Lol. Plus it gets me away for a bit and I get to throw heavy crap and punch things. I think it literally made me tart feeing a bit more sane again.
Thank you ESMOD.
Thank you ESMOD.
My DH went through a petty
My DH went through a petty phase when we were dating. I was working on some huge projects in college so I was unavailable for days at a time, yes most of my schoolmates were male... (he was cheated on the WHOLE marriage with BM, so he has some paranoia, we've worked through most of that thankgoodness!)
Don't ignore him, update him if you're gonna be late (cuz it doesn't make you happy so make sure you aren't doing it) then honesty wait for him to come to you. Be nice, small nice gestures that let him know you're still there. But jut wait for him to get over his anger and come to you. Jut be careful not to ignore him, it sounds like he'll just think you're done... So make sure to do jut the small gestures. After he gets over it you two really need to sit down and have a talk, you describe what you're feeling and why you're hurt, he does the same... Just once communication I open you two need to communicate to help get rid of any riidual feelings.
I had an ex who thought I
I had an ex who thought I would cheat on him. I changed a lot of things about myself and what I did to try to keep him happy. He ended up cheating on me.
It was liberating though when I met my husband and he has 100% trust in me. I had not realized how much I had limited myself in order to placate my ex.
Marriage Counseling for a few
Marriage Counseling for a few sessions. NOT a year or years.
If that does not help and you do not have kids with him, You may want to really look at life in the here and now. DO not day dream about the what IF's.
Ask yourself, DO I want to live just like this until the end of my time. You must live your life as abundantly as you can.
OP I don't know how old you are but my guess is your in your 20's maybe early 30's. M
What does DH have to do to make this right?
My 30's Goodluck. I just
My 30's Goodluck. I just wish we were on the same page.
I hate men. If you have the
I hate men. If you have the money to pay for what you need on your own, and don't have kids with him, you are in an enviable position because it's easier for you to cut him off and leave. Sorry, I'm being a b*tch, I just really cannot stand how selfish most men seem to be. I hope that whatever you do, you end up happy.
A man who constantly accuses
A man who constantly accuses his wife of cheating is an emotional batterer. If you have to be attached at the hip then he is controlling you -- who you can see and when. That is also abusive behavior. Thank your lucky stars that he's not talking to you, stop chasing after him, and get to a divorce attorney so you can get your life back. Do not try counseling, it doesn't work with abusers. Head straight for an attorney. Take all sentimental items with you when you leave or you will never see them again.