SS birthday and BM lied....
So DH picked up SS yesterday. DH wanted me to meet him at dinner I was hungry so I decided to meet them. I did not go with DH to pick up or drop off SS. SS said there was no birthday party or dinner planned like BM said there was so clearly she lied. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to her. SS said that BM told him that he needed to wait until she got paid before they could even do anything or get him anything for his birthday. I know that it is none of DH's business how BM spends her time or money or what they do for his birthday but why lie just so she can get her own way and keep SS from spending time with his father. Emotional manipulation doesn't work on DH anymore when it comes to BM since I pointed out to him what she does. At least he isn't in denial about that. He just ignored her when she said that she had a birthday party or dinner planned and that SS was going to miss it because of him. Now if I could just get DH to realize that BM cannot do anything to him because he isn't doing anything wrong by making his kids behave with consequences.
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Maybe she lied. Maybe she
Maybe she lied. Maybe she was planning on a dinner at home special for him? Maybe she used the "no money for now" speech with the kid to explain why an earlier promised thing wasn't going to happen.
Bottom line. Your SS and his dad got their visitation per the CO. I'm not sure whether your DH has ALWAYS taken his Bday hours or not. If not, maybe that's why she thought there was wiggle room. Maybe she thought that if it hadn't been mentioned this year that he wasn't going to get him?
Honestly, I have said it before. You are putting WAY too much emotional currency into YOUR relationship with the BM. You may never see her but you are letting her infiltrate every fiber of your being.
This has nothing to do with her "not following the CO"... plenty of families have no problems with lose interpretations of a CO.. or don't follow it to accommodate each other with no issues. This has nothing to do with "her wanting her way" since there are quite clearly things that YOU want YOUR own way as well. (so do I... everyone WANTS their own way... we don't always get it). This may have a lot to do with the fact that your husband was likely very much more accommodating before you came on the scene. Even now, he probably cares less about how this all goes down than you do. this has a whole lot to do with your inability to disengage from his ex-wife.
Some people are always going to ask for more because if they don't... they will never get it. If they keep asking... occasionally, they WILL get more.
My advice would be to take a deep breath and don't get offended on your husband's behalf. Disengage. Stay out of their relationship. If he chooses to cater to his EX when it comes to his son... that is on HIM. Tell him if something HE is doing is impacting your life. Beyond that.. let BM be his problem.. not yours.
This is excellent advice and
This is excellent advice and something I struggled with way to much in the beginning. Find a way to stop caring about BM and life gets less stressful.
I get what you guys are
I get what you guys are saying and yes I should calm down when it comes to BM however, I will not let that women treat my DH like the doormat he was to her for 12 years. It also affects my life when she lies to her kids and they are snooping around in my house for her. This hasn't happened in quite awhile however, I do not forget and I will not have my privacy invaded. I just thought it was funny that BM lied to DH in a text message and then SS tells DH another thing.
"I will not let that women
"I will not let that women treat my DH like the doormat he was to her for 12 years."
Honey, he is an adult. You are not protecting a helpless child here. You are making yourself crazy. You are actually making it WORSE for your DH because he is in the middle now. You want to know how you can shove her nose in it? You and your DH living a fabulous life with not one care given.
We are trying to. I just
We are trying to. I just feel like she tries to take advantage and it affects our lives because then my DH is stressed out because he is worried what is BM going to do next. I can't discipline my own kids because of BM. It is all very exhausting so what you are saying is I should disengage altogether from their drama and let him solve it himself.
1. BM should have zero
1. BM should have zero impact on how you discipline your own children. So the stepkids have different rules or expectations.. that is not your concern..YOUR kids are your concern. Just like your kids will have friends who will have different rules.
2. Your husband is worried or stressed. Call him on that. Tell him that he needs to deal with that himself. Honestly there is ZERO that you are accomplishing right now except your DH is stressed and you are angry. I actually think that more of the stress on him is what your reaction is to any interaction he has with his EX.
3. Yeah.. let him solve it himself. If her "demands" infringe on your plans then tell him as much and then let him decide which piper he is going to dance to. So, what you don't do is say "You better not agree to her dropping off kids early.. or don't you let her do X". You say "We made plans to go to the river that afternoon, how can we do that if you are now driving the carpool that day?" He hems and haws.. 'it's for the kids' So, you say, "fine, me and mine will miss you". And.. you go... have fun.. do your thing. Don't let HER control your life.. it's your DH who is allowing it... and HE is stressed because he feels trapped.
Why lie just so she can keep
Why lie just so she can keep SS from his father? Because that means she is winning the game of control. Normal people don't do this but this woman, like most BMs need to manipulate every situation to their satisfaction.
Did SS willingly give up this info or did someone pry? Also, hope he wasn't a brat to you.
BM lies about everything. DH
BM lies about everything. DH just asked him if he was doing anything fun for his birthday and SS willing give up that information to DH without hesitation. DH was not trying to pry. He just asked if he was doing anything fun. He wasn't a brat but he did waste his food.
Wasting food is a sin!
Wasting food is a sin!
pffft why even talk about
pffft why even talk about this lol.......
why not simply have a great bday dinner and be nice, no talking of BM, nothing....
You mean why did DH ask SS
You mean why did DH ask SS anything that involves BM?
The BM in my case lies all
The BM in my case lies all the time to get what she wants. Recently, she lied about her vacation to force DH to switch weekends so he would have SSs for our anniversary (she got married on DH's birthday, so no chance of her having the kids in her Anniversary).
She also likes to lie to make him take on her problems. She was going on some work trip during the week and wanted to take her husband along. She asked if DH could take the kids over the weekend and he said he couldn't, but his brother could help. Then she told DH he was ruining her life and her husband would have to cancel his plane tickets, because neither DH nor his brother could take the kids to and from school while she was away. She lives 40 miles away from us (used to be 20, but she moved farther away three years after the divorce) and 40 miles from his brother.
Her parents live 5 miles from her, but of course, she couldn't ask them until DH couldn't help, because then she could call them and say "mean ex husband won't help, can you help me?" Come to find out, they drove to the trip, so there were no plane tickets to cancel.
After that incident - which involved a lot of drama and accusations from BM, I pointed out to DH that when he was "helpful" to her by offering to ask his family if they could help when he couldn't, she was all too happy to make her problems his problems and then blame him because she didn't have her sh$t together. If she wants to go away during the week, she knows that DH would have to take off work (full days since he works set shifts and is not allowed to go late in the morning and leave early in the evening) to take the kids to school.
She could have asked her parents to help during the week since they are retired and live close by or she could have asked if the kids could stay with a friend before and after school, where DH could drop them off and pick them up, but she didn't do that and was happy to tell DH he was "ruining her life" and "ruining her Christmas" when he couldn't take on her responsibilities.
This is the same woman who not only demanded full custody, but repeatedly refuses to even discuss any changes, so, yes, it's on her to find in-week care if she and her husband want to go away. Her husband is a "stay at home dad" according to her, so he's also her child care. She's responsible for all child care according to the CO, so it's on her if she wants her child care provider to go away with her.
I know she lies all the time (this is just one example), so I'm not surprised that she lies. I also know that my DH still sometimes thinks that picking up her messes is actually "helping" his children. I just put my foot down around her drama entering our house. I will not drop everything or run around like a chicken with my head cut off because she can't manage her sh$t. DH knows that I can't stand it when another adult can't handle their own sh$t, so now he's less likely to "help" BM or less likely to offer any "help" that will impact me.
Yeah that sounds all too
Yeah that sounds all too familiar. DH just follows the CO so in case any drama arises BM can't ask him to do anything on her time. Although there was one time which was last spring break in 2016 when it was BM's time to have the skids however, MIL decided to come visit and she wanted to see her grandkids so BM was all for giving up her time with no problem. DH and I weren't asked BM just told MIL that she could watch the skids at our house for the whole week of spring break. It was a set up of course. They planned it without asking DH and out of respect I think that BM and MIL should've asked or let DH know what was going on. I was even more pissed that DH was ok with all of it without asking me. She started telling DH that the kids need this and that. I am pretty sure it was BM talking in MIL's ear as well. I shut that crap down really quick and told MIL that if you wanted to listen to BM then she needs to watch the skids at BM's house because I am not having someone tell me what to do in my own house just because her and BM teamed up together. It was total and utter bull****!!
Oh yeah, MIL still tries to
Oh yeah, MIL still tries to get in on the act with BM, telling DH what he should do both for his kids and for BM. DH has gotten into some huge fights with her over it, but whenever he fights with his mom he turns on his angry teenager mode, so I doubt he got his point across.
MIL once told DH that after a long talk with BM, she decided that she agreed with BM and that maybe if I was nicer to BM, everything would be better between BM and DH. She thought BM and I should sit down and have a long talk and work out our differences. Um, we don't have differences, I just think BM is abusive, histrionic, and manipulative, so I choose to avoid her. I almost stopped talking to MIL over that one, but she never said it to my face, only to DH, so I just quietly tolerate MIL while keeping her at arms length. I also regularly remind DH that I don't trust his mother.
I feel the exact same way. I
I feel the exact same way. I felt like as soon as MIL came to visit for that week all of the sudden. It was you should do this and that. SS needs a new TV in his room because he fights with his brother over the big TV in the living room. So we should spend our money for an extra cable box and new TV just because you think that is what's best I think not. That was BM talking right there. Because she would always try to text DH and ask him well where do the skids sleep. What do you feed them? YSS needs not to fall asleep on the couch watching TV on the weekends. Truly it was none of BM's business but then she thought she could get what she wanted by recruiting MIL and when I caught on to what was going on. I shut it down really quick. I came home from work one day and my whole kitchen was rearranged. Maybe MIL thought she was trying to help but you don't come into someone else's house and start changing things up just because you think it's not working. So I talk to MIL as least as possible I am cordial and nice whenever she calls DH but, as far as telling her anything personal she doesn't know jack. I really think she would go back and tell BM. I feel that she is in cahoots with BM and tells her what goes on in our house so therefore I don't trust her at all.