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Is this any of my business?

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 11:48am

BD told me this morning. SD26 is going to have Lasik eye surgery tm. Apparently both SD's BM and DH are going to be with her. Wouldn't you think just as a conversation that DH would tell me? I believe he will be taking the day off of work. Is this something that is just really none of my business or what. I would think that this is something that has been planned as I don't think you can go to the clinic one day and the next day or two you have the surgery. What's the big deal if I know? Who gives a crap that she needs both mommy and daddee there for this. I could care less if BM is there but what makes me mad is that DH hasn't told me this was happening just as a courtesy. I am just being too sensitive?

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DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 11:54am

I'd be pissed. If it's important enough for him to be there for her surgery.. then my thought is this is not something that just "slipped his mind". I call it lying by omission and it pisses me off just as much as lying.

I'd bet money that if his BFF was having surgery and DH was planning on taking the day off to be there with him, he'd tell you about it.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:47pm

Yes it seems as that is his pattern "lying by omission" I have called him on it on more than one occasion.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:55pm

Yes I live with DH. BD 24 came home a few months ago after a break up with BF of 6 years. BD and SD share a bedroom. Dad came into the bedroom and BD was in the room and heard the conversation. I am assuming he is going to take the day off. I do not know because I was just told she was having the surgery and BM was going to be there. What our daughter said was SD told DH that BM was also going when she has the surgery.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:12pm

Wait... SD lives in your home and this a giant secret???? WTF?

and a 24 year old and a 26 year old share a room?? Holy Hannah

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:32pm

Couldn't have said this better myself.

OP - why are these adults living in your house???

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:13pm

Weird that DH hasn't mentioned this. Sitting in waiting area with BM *yawn* no biggie, but to not even tell his wife this change to routine schedule?

If SD is having eye surgery, fine. I hope it goes well, but what's with the 'it's a secret'? It's obviously not a secret to everybody if your daughter knows. You need to ask DH why and tell him you confused as to why he didn't bother to at least let you know his plans for the day.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:12pm

Exactly my thought. What the h3ll is the big deal. Why does it have to be a secret. Its not like I am not going to know she had the surgery when I get home from work tm. First thing I am going to tell him is that I hope he was there with her or at least her mom someone needs to drive her home. Our 17 yr old is getting his tonsil out later this month and I have asked DH to take the day off. My 17yr is 6 foot and he will also be getting his ear drum repaired. He had vent tubes and one went through ear drum. He is a little big for me to handle under anesthesia and possibly vertigo getting him in the car and in bed after the surgery.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:19pm

Yes, it is your business. Call me old fashioned, but I believe my husband's whereabouts are my business Smile

My assumption is that he knew you would not be happy (nor would I) and that's why he didn't tell you.

Fwiw - my DD25 had Lasik surgery all by her big girl self without Mommy or Daddy Smile

Her husband drove her, waited and drove her home.

It's Lasik, FFS, not a liver transplant.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:19pm

Yes, I believe it is by business as well. He would want to know what I was up to. I do inform him. I never ask permission but I do tell him what I am up to. Even if I know he will not like it. I would like the same in return. It is not a trust issue on my part I could care less if he feels the need to be with BM during some process or procedure for their kid. That is where he should be but not telling me is entirely another story.

Fwiw - my DD25 had Lasik surgery all by her big girl self without Mommy or Daddy

Yes I get this also....

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:28pm

OP, do you make him feel like he has to ask your permission to be involved with his daughter? I don't really see a problem with him being there with her if she wanted him there, regardless of whether or not BM was there. They are her parents. You should trust HIM enough not to care.

Sometimes when men feel like their wives have become their mother, they clam up and don't share things with the person they should share things with the most.

If you don't treat him that way, ask him why he felt the necessity to keep you in the dark.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:11pm

Asking for permission and totally not mentioning he took the day off are totally 2 different things. How would you feel if you called your DH office to find out he was off for the day and you had no idea. What if there was another emergency and OP needed his assistance?

She is also not a child, this is a 26 YO woman that needs mommy and daddy to wait on her for a minor procedure. :sick:

He should love OP enough to know he would be pissed if he thought she was at work and then found out she spent the day with her ex husband. Respect and trust are not the same and one doesn't cancel out the other.

Sometimes when men act like children causing their wives to act like their mothers they need their ass*es kicked.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:21pm

And therein lies the rub. In the age of cellphones, its quite easy to get a hold of someone when you need them. My husband and I both have jobs that take us away from the office frequently. I certainly don't expect him to give me a blow by blow where he is constantly, and I would be irritated to say the least if he did this to me.

If they have a good relationship and she doesn't make him feel like he needs to appease her every time something has to do with his daughter, I would agree with you. BUT, if she is constantly making him feel like he has to choose, and that there will be repercussions, then I can understand why he would do it.

It really doesn't matter how old she is. I'm forty______ and I still need my parents sometimes. If his daughter asked him to be there and he can be there, I really don't see a reason he can't be there.

I read another entry she made that said her daughter just told her that the girl was going for the surgery and that her mother was going. She didn't say anything about dad taking off work or going. Maybe he isn't even going and she's making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:27pm

I could be making a mountain out of a mole hill, but FFS we all live in the same house you would think that I would have at least heard about the procedure-surgery before the fn day before it wouldn't you.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 6:11pm

So... His daughter only told him last night too. If that was the first time he heard it and he's not planning on going, I wouldn't worry about it

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:44pm

Cellphones have been around for quite sometimes so yes, I get the use of cell phones and while OP's husband could be driving across country for work and she could probably careless the difference is this is NOT what he is doing.

If they have a good relationship why wouldn't he tell her?

Making him choose? Where does that come from? The 26 YO WOMAN child lives in their home with them right now, OP obviously is kinder than most of us to allow that.

I'm 40+ as well and my mom is dead, and sometimes I still go to the doctor without her, it is amazing how much I still get done without her. OP never said he COULDN'T be there, she is questioning why she has not been let in that he WILL be there. Maybe he isn't going but the point is that she shouldn't have to hear from her child where her husband will be and that is the point, there are 40 ways to skin a cat and we can kick this all over the place but the point is if my SO is with his EX the respect he has for his DW means he should tell her and the trust she has with her DH is what allows her not to care but they go hand in hand, cannot have one without the other.

Your name should be devils advocate because you do a good job twisting it up good but it really all comes out the same to me.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 6:13pm

I guess it is really all experience related. We'll have to agree to disagree

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:22pm

No, I do not make him ask me permission for anything. I do not ask his permission either. I do however tell him what I am up too and expect the same in return.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 12:54pm

Lying by omission is punishable if done in court and in my home is as huge of a deal. I don't play those kind of games. The first and only time SO tried to pull that on me I told him "then I will forget to tell you about the guy I had sex with on my lunch hour" and somehow that cleared the fog on lying by omission.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:29pm

Read my previous post. That is not this issue and I have already been through all of that. How does that even come in to play?

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:35pm

because it helps to explain why your DH is totally fine catering to his adult child. At least it does for me....

you seem to be upset that an adult kid wants mommy and daddy there for her minor procedure. Since both of you allow your adult children to live with you, it explains why SD wants mommy and daddy there - she is still functioning as a child....

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 1:43pm

Based on OP's other blogs I would guess that because she allowed her daughter and grandchild to move back in with them she probably lost all ability to tell DH no that his child can't be there.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 2:10pm

I saw in other blog that they are all his kids but bc they are and you're the mother of one of them and you both allowed her to come back with her child you cannot tell the other one they can't. Is this not the case?

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 2:01pm

Again I could not give a rats ass if he wants to be with his daughter for this surgery or if the BM was present. He should be.
My complaint is simply. He should have told me period. It doesn't matter who I heard it from or why someone knows.

DH should have told me. It's happening tomorrow. I am pretty sure he had advance notice.

My question was Is this any of my business.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 2:18pm

This has really nothing to do with this bold is about, but could the sisters get a rental together?

If they get along well (?) they could share expenses and help each other out. SD needs to get out and BD is probably feeling cramped (she'd been out for years before her break-up). It might be a win-win for all. Four adults under the same roof in the best of circumstances is hard.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Wed, 05/04/2016 - 6:31pm

I had Lasix at age 60 after being diagnosed with -500 vision (legally blind). One eye took 10 seconds and the other took 18 seconds. It is such a non big deal. I did need a ride home.

This is not even real surgery.

Lit'l Bit's picture

Submitted by Lit'l Bit on Thu, 05/05/2016 - 12:16pm

Update: I was told last night. I told him I already knew and walked out of the room. About a half hour later I went back in our room to discuss this further. I told him that he knew about this for awhile and just bothered to tell me because he found out BM was going to be there. I told him that him not saying anything about it was Bull$hit. We all live in the same fn house did he think I wouldn't find out. WTF. So anyways we had a good long talk about the resent shit that has been happening. I brought up the tires and the first thing he said was I didn't pay for them she did. I told him that was not the point. That she needs to get off her lazy a$$ and start behaving like an adult. I told him sooner or later she is going to have to do this shit on her own and that BM and he has taught SD that if she needs anything go to Daddy. I told him that when he isn't around I sure the h3ll am not going to do shit for her. I won't do anything now for her.

I also talked to him about an exit plan for all of the kids even the 17 year old...well not really and exit plan for him yet. He still has a year left of high school and is high functioning autistic. That's another story but I am getting him all set up for his future and getting any extra help he will need. He is a few year behind in maturity but I don't see him living at home like the girls are. Also BD is looking for an apartment so for all of you blogger that like to talk shit about my parenting style this should give you less to talk about. His kid SD is HIS problem not mine.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Submitted by Stepped in what... on Thu, 05/05/2016 - 12:23pm

Sensitive! No one talked shit but I am guessing the truth hurt. You very well can't say anything about his daughter living there when the BOTH of yours lives there with her kid. At least with the kid you produced with DH moving out now you will have a leg to stand on getting out his other children not produced by you.