No you aren't wrong. Why would he want to poke the bear? It's grown up time for SS23

No, you are not wrong to think that DH and BM don't need to talk about an adult son - not wrong at all!!

IF SS went missing, or was sick, that would be a different story, but he isn't missing and he isn't sick.

SS is an adult and he needs to figure his own life all by himself.

i'm on both sides here. you can have whatever opinion you want to, and i agree with your opinion - ss is a grown man and should be able to handle his own $#!t. totally agree.

but when it comes down to action, let your dh do what he feels is needed, even if it doesnt coincide with our opinion of the situation. i'm sorry the evening was shot over that argument. that sucks. but dont interfere with him doing what he feels he should do so he can sleep well at night.

This is dumb. Ok, yes, if SS was in the hospital or shooting heroine at BMs or something of that nature? Then by all means, your DH should probably hash it out with BM. But who the fuck cares about what BM thinks or says or did or didn't do in this drama saga between OSD/BIL/SS. SS is 22, a grown freaking man. If he doesn't want to live with BM anymore than so be it. If he does want to live with BM then so be it. If he wants to beat the crap out of BIL then so be it. I don't understand what there is for your DH and BM to "discuss"? The only discussion should be between SS and DH... and you if DH's plan is to move SS back into your house.....(and you know how I feel about that! blah!)

I don't think he needs to talk to BM, he should talk to SS, but it really is his call. It's probably one he will regret so let him do it and he will learn.

BM over here has always been a bitch to my DH and he told her he wouldn't ever need to talk to her again once CS and visitation was done.

After SD had been married a couple of years (her emancipation event), BM called DH, wanting his help to break up SD's marriage. We knew SD was having an issue but it was her issue and she didn't want to end her marriage. If SD wanted to talk to DH about it, he was there for SD, but he told BM that he had nothing to say to her. Ever. She hung up on him and has never called again.

I was surprised he even answered the phone, and really didn't want him to, but it turned out for the best because it showed BM that he was serious about not having anything to do with her unless it was a true emergency.

Don't fight with him about it, let him do what he thinks he needs to do and hopefully he will learn that exes like that don't change their horns or turn in their pitchforks.

Once he engages with BM he will unleash her crazy and it can continue for years. No need to start fighting his son's fight NOW that he's a grown man! This same issue is a major reason my DH and I are splitting up. His constant engaging with BM over the criminal activities of his adult son. DH has tried to control BM's house for years. you can't stop him from doing it but I'd sure let him know that if this crap happens again you'll be gone because believe me it's a hill to die on

I'm 100% on your side, and fear that someday my SO will fall for some reason that he needs to talk to BM when the kids are adults. She is a full-on anxious helicopter parent, so I'm sure she will not recognize their independence and will try to get my SO to join in. He does tend to see them as weak and helpless already, and they're teenagers.

Here's what I'd do. I'd tell him you're going to let him make the decision, but I'd tell him that first I wanted him to hear what I was thinking because you're feeling bothered by this. Then you'll shut up, let him decide, and support whichever route he chooses.

"DH, I understand that you feel like you need to speak with BM about this. We're experiencing some tension because you want to do that and I don't want you to do that. Here's the deal: I'll let you make that decision and won't argue about it. But the condition of that is that you hear me out, first. Ok?

First, BM is high-conflict, and her discussions about the kids are usually really discussions to meet her need for connection/attention. We have had to put up boundaries with her for a peaceful life, and those boundaries have generally worked, right? With a high-conflict person like her, the moment you create an exception to the boundary, the entire thing crumbles. They take the exception as license to do what they want. This is my main concern regarding speaking to BM. I fear that she will view a conversation with you about your adult child as a reason that everything needs to be discussed, and you will open a can of worms that needs to remain closed. We fought long and hard for boundaries with her, and I don't want to do anything that will have her trying to tear them down, again.

My second reason is that SS is an adult, and he doesn't need his parents talking to one another to solve his problems. As an adult, he's capable of resolving this himself. I understand that, as his parent, you'd want to help him out, and I fully support that. He has moved in with us and I think that any problem solving or discussion should happen directly with him. It's really easy to talk to him because he lives with us. As an adult, his relationships with you and with his BM are separate, and I don't see any need for you and BM to work together. I'd rather that you concentrate on your relationship with your adult son for listening to him or lending a hand if he's experiencing trouble, rather than involving BM.

Thanks for listening. I'll support whatever decision you make."

*BOOM* Rational argument. Men love those. They especially love it when you are succinct. Shorten it even more than this, if you can.

Right - there's no reason to listen to any raging ahole. But there is even LESS reason for you to have to listen to him bitch about it and to listen to him repeating the crap BM says about you.

This is an adult not some little kid, geez, ffs, he does not need to call his adult kids mommy. It is all such a drama filled story anyway, I can't stand crap like that so no wonder you don't want him involved.

My parents didn't speak after I turned 15 and there was certainly no reason for them to need to discuss me after I was 18. Plus I knew I was an adult when I turned 18, therefore I acted like one, and when I did stupid crap I didn't run to my parents. I FIXED it all by myself like a normal adult does.

DH's son is supposed to be a MAN by the age of 22, if he was a MAN indeed he wouldn't be living ay his mommies house. Tell DH to suck it.

I'm with you and the 2 heads look!
The kids are over 18, there is no visitation, child support or co-parenting about school or after school activities to discuss.
Over 18, no need to discuss with BM anything. Ever.