DH backed his truck into my car on purpose
My DH and I have been together for several years. We have had a few blow out arguements about once a year. They have never escalated physically and he has never name called me. He has deployed four times but does not have PTSD or any mental illnesses. During these arguements he says I can leave and get a divorce and he doesn't care. We will make up the next day but it always makes me sad remembering what he said.
He has been on edge all today about the insurance bill. I was in the kitchen with DD supervising her painting a pumpkin. He was going to the gym and told me to move my car, which was parked behind his truck in the driveway. I said I was busy, he can move my car. He told me to move it now. I got irritated and responded with no. We then argued for ten minutes, him erratically stating he would push it down the driveway with his truck if I didn't move it. I kept telling him he was acting crazy and laughed at him. He kept saying "don't challenge me" and I said I wasn't challenging him, but he was being ridiculous and I knew it was an empty threat. He then told me to come outside and watch. I followed him. He got into his truck, put it in reverse and rammed it into my car until my car rolled down the driveway and into the ditch. He then told me not to mess with him and drove to the gym. After the shock wore off and realizing there is something WRONG I drove my car back up the driveway. It seemed to drive play but the front is scratched up. When he came back I told him a neighbor could have called the police if they saw and he said its his property and he had the right to get my car off of his property. I know he is stressed out about money but he's never done this before. He is adamant he did nothing wrong. What do I do? How am I supposed to feel? Was I really wrong? I honestly thought he was joking at first, but he did it. Now I'm so irritated and this isn't like him.
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The land and house is in his
The land and house is in his name. My car is in my name only. I told him he destroyed my property and he said it was on his property so he could do what he wanted with it.
You have got to be kidding
You have got to be kidding me... I'd leave him flat out. Period. Dot.
That's beyond effed up. I would not live one more moment of my life with someone that has no restraint and no boundaries. Anyone capable and willing to do that, is capable and willing to do anything that comes into that warped mind.
Uhhh... that's abusive as
Uhhh... that's abusive as fuck, and the fact that you don't realize that makes me sad for you.
^^ That ^^ And, I'd have
And, I'd have called the cops and had his ass locked up complete with a restraining order.
If he is still enlisted, call
If he is still enlisted, call his supervisor and report. This is domestic violence. And no, he has no right to damage your car even if it IS on "his" property. If you are married, it's all mutual property.
My opinion is that---forget
My opinion is that---forget who the land or the car belongs to....He is showing he is violent. You probably haven't said that out loud or admitted to yourself yet.....I'd be much more concerned about that Then ANYTHING ELSE. I'd be scared of him. I've never known someone like him and hopefully I never do.
Sounds like my ex-husband. My
Sounds like my ex-husband.
My ex was a super nice guy until the last couple years of our marriage, when he did a 180. Erratic behaviour, out of control temper; never hit me but slammed walls, threw lawn furniture and outdoor items (our neighbor almost did call the cops once) and damaged my bicycle - I didn't see him do it but I heard metal banging in the garage after an argument one night and the next day I couldn't even pedal it (it is my commute method, like a car).
Heavy drinking, I believe drugs (after I left) and other women.
He was trying to hide a LOT of things and just couldn't handle it.
Has your husband considered counseling?
Personally, after what I went through, after any temper tantrum like that, just one, I'd be out of the house quick.
I do think my ex was channeling rage and I was just lucky enough that he took it out on inanimate objects and not me...for the time being.
He is adamant he did nothing
He is adamant he did nothing wrong.
= Well, if THAT'S true, he's beyond repair
What do I do?
= Get the hell out of there = Leave. Now.
How am I supposed to feel?
= How do you ACTUALLY feel? You're supposed to feel however you actually feel.
Was I really wrong?
= There is nothing that you could have said or done to "make" someone blow a gasket and act like a hoodlum animal. He did that all by himself.
I honestly thought he was joking at first, but he did it. Now I'm so irritated and this isn't like him.
= You're Irritated? Really that's all? I'd be shaking with fury and scared to death.
All that to get to the freaking gym? Is he taking steroids?
Just wow. Get your child and yourself outa there
That was so abuse. You need
That was so abuse. You need to get your daughter and perhaps go to a shelter.
He didn't get his way and
He didn't get his way and threw a tantrum. He's a bully, and a potentially dangerous one. That's what you want your DD to see as a role model for a spouse? I don't think so.
Therapy for both of you if you even want to stay. If my DH destroyed my property because he didn't get his way, I'd be gone. He sounds scary.
Why are you here posting this
Why are you here posting this instead of packing to move out?
I'm just so confused. I don't
I'm just so confused. I don't understand why he did this. I don't want to involve the police. Do I just call the cops and tell them what happened? He didn't physically hurt me, he just hurt my property. This is all too much. This is too crazy
If you are a rational being,
If you are a rational being, there is no understanding why he did it.
He cannot explain it and will not explain it.
He will blame YOU because whatever you do, it will be wrong in his mind because he is never, ever to blame. He doesn't do anything wrong and you have to now be careful what you do/say (walking on eggshells).
I suspect this is not the first rage incident, but just the latest.
Unless both of you go to counseling and use it successfully, this will get more serious.
It's exhausting, I know very well, but you need to ask him about counseling - if he gets mad or refuses and blames you again (i.e. HE doesn't need help but he sure thinks you do!) then you have your answer.
Maybe it wasn't the day to
Maybe it wasn't the day to 'push his buttons', but holy fuck - that's no way to react no matter WHAT she did or didn't do.
I'm thinking there might be a
I'm thinking there might be a wee bit more to that 10 fight and story than we're getting.
Please tell me what reason
Please tell me what reason you can give that allows this behavior?
No, I think she responded
No, I think she responded with normal answer - I'm busy with kid, you have my keys, you can move it if you like.
And HE didn't like her answer. That's it.
Unless you've lived with someone who is like this, it's hard to understand.
I completely believe her. And it's a bad situation.
Leave.Him.
Leave.Him.
He is saying he did nothing
He is saying he did nothing wrong
1. I was not in the car.
2. He told me he would do it.
3. He did not hurt me.
He's a lunatic, regardless...
He's a lunatic, regardless... If you think there is any question about that behavior, you need more help than he does perhaps.
I know its wrong and he was
I know its wrong and he was crazy, but I don't want to believe it. I don't want to end my marriage over him ramming my car.
You don't want to believe
You don't want to believe what you really know the truth is? Then live with him and don't believe it. Your call. Good luck with that.
YES!
YES!
I just want him to apologize
I just want him to apologize and get help for whatever is wrong with him.
Ain't gunna happen... he
Ain't gunna happen... he already told you he didn't do anything wrong, didn't hurt you and he told you he was going to do it.
So next time, when he tells you he's going to smack you upside the head, I'm pretty sure that's what he'll do - and it'll be okay because he announced it first.
Just.Wow.
You need to give someone your
You need to give someone your phone number and address. That way if you come up missing, your family will know what happened to you and your daughter. I know this is blunt but it's plain and simple that you're in denial.
I know you want to save your
I know you want to save your marriage - but you need to leave the house at least on a temporary basis. If you don't have friends or family, stay in a hotel. If you can't afford that, contact a woman's shelter.
Then, contact a woman's shelter for advice. If he is still in the military couldn't you find some help there? If it is not PTSD it is some other mental issue. How about the VA? Does he have any military friends you could talk to?
In most jurisdictions what he did could be domestic violence. He did it in the middle of an argument and he scared you. Damaging or breaking property, ripping the phone out of the wall, or hurting pets can all be considered domestic violence.
I know you want to know why he did it - but at this point your safety, and the safety of your baby, is way more important. Grab what you need and leave. Do not tell him where you are going. Take the next couple of days to figure out your next move. The fact that he thinks this is normal behavior is very scary.
Have you ever heard the story
Have you ever heard the story of the frog who got boiled to death?
It started out in a pot of cold water, slowly the heat was turned up. The water heated up slowly and while the frog kept getting hotter and hotter it wasn't bad enough to jump out. The frog just sat there and explained away the heat right up until it was boiling and the frog discovered that it didn't have the energy to jump out anymore. It boiled to death.
Dont be the frog!
Stop making excuses for his turning up the heat. Get out of that pot while you still have the strength to jump.
Uhhh you're in severe denial.
Uhhh you're in severe denial.
Geez Woman..this is a ticking
Geez Woman..this is a ticking time bomb. First your car..for which he shows NO remorse..whats next? You? Your kid? Whats it gunna take for you to wake up and realise you're with a cowardly piece of shit?
HOW are you supposed to
HOW are you supposed to feel??? SCARED AS HELL!!!!
During these arguements he says I can leave and get a divorce and he doesn't care.
Honey, this is his way passive-aggressive way of telling you he wants out. He just doesn't have the balls to actually file. I'm guessing you take care of things around the home and he likes that, but in reality, he wants to be a single man. So let him be single!!
This man is NOT, repeat NOT, rational. What will it take to get you to realize he's a powder keg waiting to explode? The car is just the first step. Next could be destroying something inside the house. Then again, he may not wait and get physical with you. Or your child.
Report him to his CO. NOW. TODAY.
Contact a lawyer, file for divorce, and get a restraining order. TODAY.
Ok...I have to agree with
Ok...I have to agree with KISS on this one.
What he did WAS crazy. BUUUT..you did poke the bear a bit. Still no excuse for what he did. And he told you he was going to do it. You had 10 minutes to argue with him but not enough time to move your car? Sounds like you were not in a good mood with him either.
I don’t think you need to run our and divorce. I do think he needs to pay for any damage to your car though. And you need to watch him a little closer to make sure this is not going to escalate.
What would you tell your best
What would you tell your best friend if she confided such a story in you? Would you say, "Well, since he announced it beforehand - that makes it okay." Or "Since that is totally out of character for him, he will never do anything like that again." Or even, "He doesn't need to apologize because he warned you what he was going to do!"
Open your eyes. Think with your brain and not your heart. You are a MOTHER. The safety of your child and YOU to take CARE of your child are paramount. You may think that everyone is exaggerating but that is where it escalates to. He has been emotionally/verbally abusing you. Now he escalated by making it physical (even if it was "just" your car and not you personally).
You teach people how to treat you.
Leave now...That was abuse
Leave now...That was abuse and it will escalate. File a police report so you start having a paper trail for when he tries to kill you and you need a restraining order. He does have anger issues and it is probably PTSD.
Ok, so you're with a guy that
Ok, so you're with a guy that has no internal check on his anger or his words/behaviour. And you're the kind of person who doesn't like to be bossed around, so you push back when he gets like that. Which is pretty much a recipe for disaster, isn't it?
Doesn't matter who is more in the right or in the wrong, or who did or said what to whom, it just matters that two of you trigger each other.
Check out co-dependency, figure out why you're willing to be in this situation, decide if you think you can look back with no regrets in later years for having forced your kid to live with this situation - especially since she has no tools to handle it - and if you're ok if your kid refuses contact with you because you're not safe for her to be around. Once you're clear on who you are and the choices you're making, go ahead and make them.
You don't need strangers to vote on your life. You just need to recognize that you're the one in control.
I have come back. And I have
I have come back. And I have read all the comments and have decided that although this was an isolated incident it was incredibly wrong. I currently at SILs house with my daughter and DH and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon.
Thank you for everyone's comments.
Thank you coming back and
Thank you coming back and giving everyone an update. I'm glad you listened to the advice. There are women on this site who have lots of life experience and offer wise counsel.
Please let us know how the counseling works out. Approach therapy with an open mind - but also keep in mind that this therapist may or may not be the right one for your situation. Sometimes you have to see more than one to find the right fit.
I'm so glad that you came
I'm so glad that you came back and updated. I hope that the counselling works for you.
My exH said that I couldn't drive His truck. The counsellor asked why? He said because it's my truck. She asked what else he felt was his and not mine to use. He said nothing, just my truck. She asked why the truck, he couldn't give her an answer, just kept repeating that it was his and I wasn't allowed to drive it. Nothing she said got through to him. After 2 sessions she said there was nothing she could do for us. If he couldn't see why it was wrong for him to have a possession that belonged to both of us that only he could us she couldn't make him see it. (We'd had the truck for years, he's just recently joined the Sterling Mens group, a cult, and so he decided that only he could drive the truck)
I filed for divorce shortly after that.