Trying to let go
So I have been a reader of this site for months and the posts have helped me so much dealing with the crazy that is my life.
So the run down, married a man with a daughter from his last marriage. I adore my SD she is not an issue at all, sweet as all get out. His ex and his mom are my issue.
Basically his Mom hates me for what reason I have no idea, she refuses to speak to me or my husband period. It has been 2 years and we have spoken twice. Once where she yelled at me when I was 9 months pregnant in public and 1 month ago she texted me to tell me how she hates us and we lie to her (I have no idea what she is talking about)
BM is a pain in the butt to deal with but nothing like some of you have to deal with the huge issue is the relationshpip she has with MIL, it causes friction between my husband and her because MIL bought BM a house, pays her bills and apparently is buying her a car and MIL has not met her grandson (he is almost 18 months), MIL refuses to speak to my SD when we have her. I have texted, called and emailed inviting her to be a part of both of their lives throughout the two years.
MIL has it in her head that me and my husband have a physically abusive relationship (I hit him, that he is the victim) (nope), that we live in a horrible neighborhood (nope) and that my son is not my husbands (nope, kid is his twin). Now all of those things did happen in his previous marriage, so maybe she is just twisting it, I have no idea.
Our marriage is not perfect and its been hard since the day we met, but we figure it out. So I am not sure where all this is coming from but my poor SD gets to hear the brunt of it, she has made me promise we aren't getting a divorce multiple times, it is heartbreaking.
So that is my backstory, here is my question, my husband has recently had some serious medical issues, we are waiting to find out if he possibly has a life threatening issue. My instinct is to reach out to his family (his mom, sister and brother) because I know he misses them and mourns the loss of those relationships. But I also know that there is a very good chance they will ignore this (remember they ignored my pregnancy, birth of my son and my son,his whole life) and that would crush him more.
Rationally I know that it is not a good idea and I should not do it at all, just need backup on this. I just don't want something serious to happen and him not have family but I know they have made this choice and I cant force it. So I am looking for words of encouragement, if that makes sense.
Side note, my big issue is that my family is super close and talk all the time, and never would they not speak to me, so I don't understand his family, which makes it way more difficult.
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I would leave contacting his
I would leave contacting his family up to him. His family, his decision.
I agree rationally, but
I agree rationally, but emotionally its hard, thanks for responding it helps.
Thanks for responding, it
Thanks for responding, it does help me.
I wouldn't contact them. If
I wouldn't contact them. If your DH wants to, that is up to him.
My DH has on again, off again relationships with his family (his parents, however, are deceased) and when he had a heart attack, he did not want me to contact them. He told them after he was home from the hospital.
To this day, they either don't believe he had a heart attack or they believe that it was no big deal. Maybe because they didn't actually see him looking like death in the hospital but.... Of course, everything that happens to them is deathly serious and dramatic.
Sometimes, family just sucks. Seems this is the case with your DH's.
Is your DH close with your family? I did let my family know that DH had a heart attack and they visited him in the hospital; he was good with that, he feels they are his family.
He isn't close, but they love
He isn't close, but they love him and are concerned for his health so have called everyday to check on him.
He was super close to his Mom before we got married, so I guess my big issue of letting go is that I feel responsible, again rationally I know better, emotionally I am a mess.
Thanks for your insight, it helps to know others have similar issues.
Yes, let go of that feeling
Yes, let go of that feeling of being responsible for their relationship. It sounds like his mother has some issues.
They are not supportive to
They are not supportive to him in normal times they will be nothing but trouble in times of...trouble. Do not invite them in while he is weak and vulnerable. He needs peace and love to recover. Ugliness and stress will make him sicker.
If your dh wants to reach out himself, he knows how.
BTW, I would be furious if my
BTW, I would be furious if my dh called my relatives and told them something personal I was going through. I only have a very few on my "approved" list. Nothing good comes from letting the others know anything about me. So be careful you know what your husband wants before you take any step at all.
My husband has wanted and
My husband has wanted and asked me to contact them in the past, but we did have a talk yesterday and does not want them in his life period. Now he is having surgery on Tuesday and his ex wife was told because they have an appointment he will have to miss because of it. I am sure she will speak to his mother and let her know, so if she wants to contact him or me, he said that is a totally different story. But having dealt with this for 2 years I am guessing we will hear nothing of it.
Thanks again so much the advice and kind words has been very helpful.