Hodor Strikes Again

Literally.

We've established that ss9 has issues. Last night he and dd, (also 9), were playing on our computers. Hodor starts banging on the desk for some reason, dd says, stooooop. DD decides to chuck laundry at him, Hodor decides to full on punch her in the arm three times.

Of course I lost my shit.

After dh took Hodor to the other room, I calmed dd. After that, I told her that there was no reason, EVER for someone to put their hands on her EVER. I also reminded her that when ss was making a ton of noise, she could've come to tell me or dh.

Since this isn't just the first, second or even third time Hodor has laid his hands on dd, I told dh that I'm putting dd in day camp. Not sure how I'm going to afford it, I just know that I'll not have my child punished because Hodor has issues.

I literally can't stand to even look at this kid right now. I know it's not all his fault, it's just how I feel right now. I'm tired of everything being about this kid and his goddamned problems; and I realize it's worse now because it's summer time. And he's at the apartment from 9am-2pm this weekend, so that eats any time the rest of us would've had with dh. I'd planned on taking dd out on Saturday before all this happened, now I'm thinking I will take her out both days because I just don't want to be around this kid right now.

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Agreed.

Yep. Next time he lays a

Yep. Next time he lays a hand on her, she needs to knock his block off.

One of these days, someone is

One of these days, someone is going to knock this kids block off, guaranteed. This is kind of what he does either when provoked, (the throwing of the laundry), or when he simply isn't getting his way. He doesn't really have any friends where we live, nor at his mother's place. Why? Because on top of being a hitter, he's also a screamer and he's one of those kids that when another kid asks him to stop doing something he will smile a douchey smile, maintain eye-contact and continue to do whatever it is he was asked to stop doing. It's a mess really.

I'm going to ask a question

I'm going to ask a question you're not going to like, so I'll preface it with this:

YOU ARE NOT WRONG. There is no reason - EVER - for Hodor to punch your daughter, and your DH needs to have a plan in place to ensure it does not happen again. Whether that's a behavioral plan, a disciplinary plan, or a contingency plan (like getting him into camp) is entirely up to him - but HE needs to be dealing with this!

Now the question you're not going to like - what did you do about your DD throwing stuff at him? (Yes, I DO realize it didn't - and couldn't - hurt him. But it was aggressive and triggered an aggressive response. I hope you're teaching your DD that even though Hodor was wrong that does not mean that her actions were right. Just as Hodor can't use her behavior to justify his own, your daughter can't do that either.)

I was thinking this too Ally.

Total agreement! That

Total agreement! That question didn't make me angry at all.

After she stopped crying, I explained to her that rather than throwing clothes at him, she should've come to me or dh. I told her that throwing the clothes wasn't the right choice and that if someone is doing something to annoy her, she needs to walk away or, if necessary, get an adult. It's pretty much the best I could come up with being as emotional as I was at that point.

Also Hodor is not welcome at any of the local summer camps. Not. One. Not even the one his sister is working at, (which happens to be the closest one to our place). Maybe I need the weekend to think this through, I just don't want dd to have a lame time while she's here. I haven't seen her since November, she's getting on fine with the sd's.

Thanks for not being afraid to ask the question, I'm glad you did! I feel like I've gained a little objectivity since hanging around here.

EDIT: I still don't feel like dd is safe around ss, not sure if that's a mamma bear thing or if it's valid, given the number of times this kid has already put his hands on her. Also she's isn't used to this kind of stuff, her dad and I haven't raised her around that sorta stuff...also her brother, (ds), is 10 years older than her so there was no physical sibling stuff.

Whew, good! lol I was a

Whew, good! I was a bit afraid to raise the "Mama Bear" in you, since your DD was already hurt!

For what it's worth, I would also physically separate them, at least if I wasn't going to be there (like at work or something). For all that this is a minor incident in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't want to take the risk that the NEXT time wasn't so minor.

On a side note (sort of), has Hodor been tested for anything? Evaluated for ADHD, or some other developmental disorder? I'm just wondering because it sounds like he (and your DH) could really benefit from the help of a good clinician, like a behavioral therapist.

That part gets complicated

That part gets complicated because Voldemort is a therapist and thinks she knows EVERYTHING. As far as I know, Hodor has been tested for something, not sure what. Originally, we all thought he was just spoiled, now I think we are seeing that there's a lot more to it, especially with the Parade of Men that's been running through the house for the last 5.5 years. Voldemort insisted on trying to diagnose him herself, not a good idea, imo. She's pretty much hijacked his appointments with his therapist and he only goes every other week. It's a mess.

It might be time to switch therapists and have this kid reevaluated, probably something I should suggest to dh if he isn't already on to it.

In the meantime, dh has them physically separated and is not allowing for any error today as I will lose my shit again if he does lol.

Also, I've said it to a few people on here already, I truly do appreciate the time anyone puts into reading my posts and welcome constructive criticisms and tough questions. If I can't learn from that here as a smom, what the hell am I hanging around for?

****

Hey still kinda new around

Hey still kinda new around here, what do these stars mean?

Oh cool, thanks. =)

Oh cool, thanks.

Thanks so much! Dh did have

Thanks so much!

Dh did have a talk with ss, they left the house and went somewhere to talk alone. Tonight I plan on taking dd around the neighborhood, (we've usually stuck to the walking path and the pool), to scope the potential friend scene for her; I've seen plenty of kids around the 'hood.

Hodor has been in therapy for about two years now and seems to have plateaued. He was doing well in school and as soon as dd got here, BAM. I totally understand it, he's only over a couple of days a week and is jealous that dd, (as Hodor sees it), gets to spend all her time with his dad.

Overall, I think I'm just tired of one skid issue after another because I almost feel like I don't have anything left at the end of most days to give to my kids whos fathers' and I made a point of investing in. If that makes sense. Not sure I articulated that thought correctly.

I'm not sure ss will realize that dd and I being gone for the weekend will affect him at all, sadly he actually isn't a very bright kid. Who knows? I guess I just need to focus on dd, making sure she is safe, having a good time and understanding that she has a choice when it comes to how she reacts to psychos lol.

That's what I was just saying

That's what I was just saying to Ally. I think they need a new therapist and I need to be less worried about Hodor and focus on dd. I've already planned the weekend for dd and I and dh knows that I just need time away from his kid for now. I feel lucky that dh is cool with me saying I need space and taking it. He's not one for passive-aggressive behavior or tit-for-tat sorta stuff.

I'm kinda resigning myself to the idea that we may not get any significant time away together until August. I'm sure between here and there, we may sneak away for drinks or something, however, if not, it's only a couple of months!

They talked in the kitchen

They talked in the kitchen first, I heard most of it as I was calming my little one down. Dh had to pick osd up from work so he took Hodor with him and talked with him on the way there and then, I'm guessing by what osd told me, in the parking lot.I did make a few points when I walked into the conversation in the kitchen, otherwise, Voldemort and dh fucked him up, they can fix him, I've done my part.

And yes, dh "does have the balls to parent his own kid", we, (he), has rules and expectations at our place, then Hodor is gone for 4 days and comes back from the free for all independent living facility, (aka Bms place), and is a complete asshole all over again after being essentially ignored for 4 or 5 days.

I have disengaged from everything with Hodor. I will not discipline him nor spending any time with him, do his laundry anymore, NOTHING. This is something that was already in the works before dd got here. Also, just last week, dh told Voldemort that Hodor is not allowed at the house unless dh his home - so no dumping Hodor on me when dh is at work just so Voldemort can go back to screwing everyone in DuPage County.

I don't really know what the kids punishment was, for my part, I'm sussing out other forms of care for dd when that little monster is with dh. This weekend osd, dd and I are going to a festival. Hodor will be at our place from 9am until 2 pm so the girls and I will be out doing something until he is gone from this house. I have ZERO desire to be around that kid and, sadly, his biosisters don't either.

Sorry your kid got kid. I

Sorry your kid got kid. I think I would lose my shit if someone hit my kid.

Good job for not letting her slide on throwing the laundry.

Honestly, I really like the karate idea. She needs to feel empowered right now. This kid hitting her here and there is going to effect her self worth. Karate, its a good thing.

The karate thing is really

The karate thing is really growing on me, might check into it today, I know she would LOVE IT.

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