Calmly handed BM her ass last night, no insults, just facts.....and she was PISSED! Hahaha.
BM's response to EVERYTHING is "I'm a good mother and I always put my kids first." All of the concerns and issues we bring up are "just to hurt her" or "a matter of opinion" or "part of her personal life and none of our business." Animals that eat their young have more maternal instincts than this hag does and since we're going back to court, I've been gathering as much evidence as I can. We had SD6 on what was supposed to be BM's weekend and she showed up around 6:30p.m. to pick her up sporting a new tattoo while her BS is wearing a pair of way too big hand-me-down shoes that SS14 gave him last year! She left SD6 with us on her weekend to go get a damn tattoo! Apparently that's where the child support we've been paying is going and since we've had SD6 2-3 times what the court order says and what child support is based on-we shouldn't be paying ANYTHING but we've been paying it anyway because we can't get into court for 3 months. What makes it even more sickening is less than a week prior the hag actually had the nerve to ask DH to pay the $100 registration fee for SD6's daycare. SD6 is supposed to be going to summer school because she's so far behind and the hag said she wanted her to go to the daycare where she works afterwards. DH and I don't want her going there, it's caused nothing but problems with SD6's behavior and she had such a hard time adjusting to school that we have tried anything and everything to get BM to agree to a different arrangement-to no avail-then the hag has the nerve to ask DH to PAY for it?! I'd had enough......
Since we've been doing drop offs at school and communicating via email, this is the first time that we had the hag face to face in two months so DH and I thought it was a good time to discuss some of the things that she's been lying about. We start talking about SD6's behavior which BM had said via email wasn't defiant anymore. And while SD6 is playing on my elliptical refusing to listen to BM when she tells her to get off of it, haha, BM reiterates this claim in person. I asked if she's been reading the emails from SD's teacher and gave her the dates that the emails were sent and explain how they clearly state the opposite. I didn't throw in the fact that all of the bad behavior takes place after SD is with BM. Then I told her they went to the same email address that she's been responding to us from and politely offer to print her out a copy. She declines. So then we ask about summer school, which the hag has been lying about for months, insisting that SD is signed up-we know otherwise because I have a letter from the administrator that says she wasn't and now she changes her story, saying that SD will be going to daycare instead. So we pounced, why isn't she going to summer school through the district like you said? She spits out lies, lies and more lies but I've got her; you don't register at the high school that's done at this place, when I spoke to them in May, there was availability, on May 6th you SAID she was registered, do you want to see your text message? Now she's flustered and starts trying to tell DH how SD going to DAYCARE will be just like summer school and they do this that and the other, she even lies about them having a licensed teacher on staff; But I've already spoken to the director and read about it online, so when she starts with her b.s. explanation, I wait for her to stop and counter that as well, reminding her how important it is for SD6 to have actual instruction and listening to a story being told at daycare isn't the same thing and attending an early childhood course for a few weeks doesn't equate to a teaching degree.
Now she's getting upset so she changes subjects to how she wants to put SD6 on a non stimulant medication to deal with her issues, lying about how many times SD6 was the therapist and talking about how she knows what SD6 is going through because she went through the same thing. DH is very non confrontational and is just sitting there at this point, saying nothing and SD6 has jumped up and wrapped herself around me. I told her that studies show that behavior modification therapy will help 90% of children and being the knob that she is, BM says that's why I want to start her on a NON-stimulant. I told her that the study refers to all medication used for behavior problems and the studies show medication doesn't help the long-term trajectory of behavior problems related to ADD or ADHD. Apparently that was one too many words that exceeded two syllables because she abruptly says she has to leave now and is late. SD6 doesn't want to leave so she ignores BM who practically has smoke coming out of her ears, sitting on DH's lap while he tickles her. She then proceeds to give DH and I two sets of hugs and kisses each before saying that she loves us. Outside we could hear BM yelling at her to get in the car and SD refusing to do so.
After she was gone I looked through the bag of things she brought back; less than 20% of what we asked for, which I guess is better than nothing but she actually brought back ONE shoe because she couldn't find the other one! The entire experience was beyond laughable and I'm sure at some point she'll text or email DH and complain about she felt disrespected and that I'm not SD6's mother, or some crap like that. I think I feel the worst for her BS because his dad is a piece who's never around and he has no one. The poor kid is rotten and behaves terribly but I can't blame him for it; if the hag was my mother and I was wearing three year old hand me down shoes that were two sizes too big while she got a new tattoo, I think I'd act out too. Maybe while she's out playing with guns next time, she'll accidentally shoot herself. Preferably in the head. But overall, it was great watching her get that pissed and leave because she couldn't feed DH a line of crap about what a good mother she is. Court can't come fast enough.
- I.hate.cats's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I love replies like this^^^.
I love replies like this^^^. Don't feel any sympathy for the SD because of the neglect that BM has inflicted on her, rather the fact that I had a conversation with hag being both respectful, calm and mild mannered. As the title clearly states, I didn't insult her and no one raised their voice. SD was present for the beginning of the conversation regarding her behavior, which everyone involved thought was imperative since SD is the once misbehaving and the end of the conversation where the terminology used were things like trajectory and behavior modification which I'm certain a six year old understands and felt were degrading to her mother. I don't think there's any thing intimidating about stating factual information and I find it absurd that anyone would feel the need to side with someone who intentionally neglects the educational and psychological well being of a six year old child.
Facts are facts, whether DH were to have stated them or I was the one to and if BM was even remotely willing to take on the role of being SD's mother instead of dumping her off on relatives and caregivers, when she isn't with us, this entire conversation wouldn't have been necessary.
You know your SD better than
You know your SD better than we do but I get the point of the other poster.
Do you think she sensed that BM was uncomfortable with the conversation? That could hurt your relationship with her in the future as well as whatever BM says if anything.
I honestly wasn't trying to
I honestly wasn't trying to piss her off, we just wanted some honest answers about things like summer school and therapy since she's just kept lying to DH. I truly believe she was upset that we didn't buy her b.s. and were able to tell her that we knew she was lying.DH had actually avoided bringing any issues up for such a long time because it was always a problem, only over the last four months has he realized that handling things that way wasn't helping and was hurting SD because she had no one standing up for her.
Completely understandable but
Completely understandable but in your case I would stick to conversations in email only. You and your DH already know she's lying, it's not like she's going to miraculously tell the truth just because you were speaking to her in person. I have read a few of your blogs and your BM sounds a lot like BM2. but our overall situations are very different.
I don't see what you did as
I don't see what you did as wrong but I do think you were the wrong person to do it. You should have waited until court and let a lawyer do all of this. Now all you've done is prepare BM for the same line of questioning that she'll be facing about your SDs education and medication except she knows the lies she told you won't work. She'll make up others no doubt, but you pretty much handed her your court case. You really jumped the gun here and I hope your husband doesn't have to pay for it.
Very true!
Very true!
I have had to nicely correct
I have had to nicely correct BM in front of her kids. She lies about everything. The kids know she is lying. She hates it but I'm not letting her lie to them anymore. When DH is here, he does the same.
This is all on point. No
This is all on point.
No matter what, a child wants their Mother to love them. SD will learn that Mommy loves her more when she is not your friend.
Which is pathetic. When BS13
Which is pathetic. When BS13 was 9 he stayed with his father for a year and I told BD's girlfriend that I appreciated the time and attention that she gave my son. I never once felt threatened by their relationship and instead of putting the kids in a position to have to choose, BM should be working on gaining some confidence in her relationship with SD6, or building one for that matter.
I agree as well. Especially
I agree as well.
Especially talking about important things in front of the skid. BM has tried to do this with me many times and I have had to shut her down.
None of this should have
None of this should have taken place in front of the child. None. Zero.
Doesn't matter how much more superior you deem yourself, how many lies you catch the woman in. Nope. You can hate and belittle this woman all you please and pat yourself on the back. trouble is if the woman has half a brain she can now go to the judge yakking about how you are bad mouthing her in front of her daughter and being combative with her. See, you aren't the mother. You aren't the father. You really had not one reason to even be at the exchange. She could now run and apply for a restraining order against YOU. All she has to say is you scared her and she felt very threatened by you and your confrontation. So you were polite and nice? Prove it. Did you video the exchange? If so, BM can then show exactly how the SM inserted herself into what amounts to none of the SM's business and/or jacked her jaw all anti BM in front of the child.
While it may have made you feel good and you think 'bravo, me' it was actually a stupid move which as pointed out above by another just handed BM the case to prepare what's coming and very possibly added additional reason in court for BM to eliminate you from being near her and her child. She can present you're doing everything you can to destroy the mother/daughter relationship. Doesn't matter if it's batsh*t crazy. You confronted her in front of her daughter and she can use that.
You need to back off and stay in the background. Help your husband do all the case gathering , evidence documenting you please...but stay the hell away from this woman and do not personally communicate with her. If you're not careful you'll end up cutting off your nose to spite your face. I 'get it' she's a worthless mother and a lying witch. I'm not questioning you on that. Some women should have never given birth. But that doesn't give you the free pass to do what you did and perhaps hurt Dh's chances of finally getting his daughter in primary custody.
My DH works full time; I take
My DH works full time; I take care of our three children, SS14, BS13 and SD12, all of whom don't have another parent in the picture so we raise them as though they were our biological children. I realize this is not the typical dynamic these days, but this is how we handle things in our family. I don't think it's wrong for me to put together the information because I have the time to do so. If you took the time to correctly read my post, by the end of the conversation, She brought up medication, which DH has discussed with her several times this is when I stated "DH is very non confrontational and is just sitting there at this point, saying nothing" and I brought up the studies that show the issues with medication. BS13 has ADHD, as does SS14, so speaking as a mother and my experiences and knowledge on the subject wasn't out of line.
SD6 is not my daughter; she's my husband's daughter and both he and I feel that it is completely acceptable for me to be knowledgeable on what takes place with her. BM has primary placement, yet over the last 3+ months, she hasn't spent a single one of her weekends with SD6. She hasn't taken her to the doctor and has lied about taking her to the therapist. She hasn't fulfilled her obligations as a mother and I think it would be completely heartless to say "Not my kid, not my problem." My husband is not a single father and I don't see anything wrong with doing for SD6, the same things that I do for BS13, SS14 and SD12, such as taking her to the doctor when she has a sinus infection that BM is ignoring. I think it would be absolutely absurd for DH to take off work to do this when I have the time to do so and BM does not object.
DH has sent BM countless emails and text messages discussing the problems with BM and she has all but told him to fuck off. We are going to court and BM can't undo what she's already done. Additionally, she doesn't see a problem with what she's doing! I absolutely disagree that I can't or shouldn't have a positive impact on SD6 just because I didn't give birth to her. In just three months of spending the majority of her time here, she has learned manners, better communication skills, is doing better with her reading, has stopped with 90% of the attention getting behavior. We'd love it if BM would step up and be a better parent but that's not going to happen so we do what we can while she is here and try to minimize any of SD6's suffering.
Furthermore, this is MY blog, not DH's. I don't detail his feelings and efforts, though we try to do things as a team and if you've gotten the impression that this is a one sided effort on my behalf because of the way that I've worded things, I'm sorry for that. I appreciate any positive feedback and constructive criticism but to those of you that can't stand my thoughts and feelings, please realize there is absolutely nothing on this site that requires you to read them.
I don't think any has taken
I don't think any has taken objection to you caring for SD6. I also take my Skids to all Dr appts, PTC and do pretty much all of the real parenting.
BUT...I don't not communicate with BM at all. If there are any problems regarding Skids that SO feels need to be addressed with BM, it is up to him to deal with. Not Me...And especially not in front of the children.
Caring about and taking care of SD is completely different than confronting and "putting BM in her place"....That is not YOUR PLACE
You missed the point I tried
You missed the point I tried to make to you. You can do all you want in your home as far as helping with SD. Yes, it sounds as if you are trying to make a difference in her life and making some decent progress in her behavior and gaining self esteem in your home.
But here's the but...you need to keep your mouth shut and say nothing to BM. Nothing. No maybe how 'well meaning' and/or educational you believe your words to her may be and/or how much of a 'right' you think you have. Here's the thing. You and Dh may be partners and in this together in your home. You might do all the leg work and research for DH. All fine and dandy. None of that changes the fact you are not BM's co-parent and she does not have to stand there and hear one word out of your mouth. Not one. Just because your DH doesn't or can't find his balls to appropriately address issues with his daughter's mother none of it gives you any right to so much as even open your mouth to her. If you must, go ahead and prep and prepare your DH. Hell, do role playing where you teach him what/how to approach the woman. You, yourself, need to stay the hell away from this mother and leave any verbal contact to him. You need to stay silent. If you can't do that, you need to stay away from the exchanges.
Damn...your BM is pretty
Damn...your BM is pretty stupid or very timid. You would have been able to speak one sentence, before I told you to STFU about my child.
I will be amazed if your DH get placement.
I know you mean well, but you
I know you mean well, but you have overstepped here. This is between DH and BM. You should not be involved. He needs to have that conversation with her. Also, I agree it never should happen in front of SD.
Your DH should have these conversations with BM. If he wants you there, fine, but you should not talk. Sounds like nothing was accomplished at all.
I understand everyone's point
I understand everyone's point about having a conversation with BM, however this isn't the first time we've done so and it's an agreed upon thing that conversations regarding SD involve me since I do have a primary role in her life. Last time the three of us sat down and discussed SD's school and behavior it was at BMs house and her and I did most of the talking; no complaints objections from BM. SD6's behavior is an important thing that everyone feels needs to be discussed with SD6.
Whenever DH brings up a concern, BM always says 'I'm offended or feel disrespected.' Last time BM sent her over in shoes that were two sizes too small, DH mentioned it nicely and reminded her that she had 4 pairs of shoes we bought her so there was no reason for her to be wearing shoes that were too small; she felt disrespected by THAT.DH brought up how SD's hair isn't brushed; more claims of being disrespected.
BS13 and SS14 were in the room at the time so there will be no claims of intimidation, however her SO has threatened DH and done so via text.Additionally, BS13,SS14 and BM's BS9 are all on medication for ADHD so again,there was no reason that SD6 shouldn't have been in the room when discussing studies on such things.
Yes, I was happy to have made sure BM knew that she couldn't lie to DH and get away with it but am quite surprised that the general consensus seems to be the equivalent of me physically cornering the hag, degrading her and calling her names while ADD cried in the corner and DH was unable to control my violent abrasive demeanor.
Stop engaging her. H has a
Stop engaging her. H has a court date. He can take the emails, texts, letters from school, etc to court with him.
Don't ask her to explain at pickup. Your lawyer can ask her to explain in court.
As to the cost of day care, check the CO. Who has final say? Who has to pay?
You care. You want what is best for SD. But, you are not the bio parent. Legally you do not have a say. H needs step up and do the court work.
So basically you used big
So basically you used big words she does not understand to prove your point. She is a lying POS of a mother.
So you handed her arse back to her with a big silver bow on it. And this egg donor and bearer of your husbands child will get home, get pissed with you and do her own thing. Going to court and saying "She got a tattoo and didn't buy SD shoes." "Your honor, a friend paid for the tattoo in cash." "Your honor this 6 yr old girl is failing school and her mother won't put her into summer school." "Sir, I had the wrong information. My daughter is 6 yrs old and I fully intend to work with her over the next year to help her catch up. I bought these activity books from Walmart and as you can see she has started working in them."
You may think you are superior using big words or technical language with her but at the end of the day it isn't any of your business. It just isn't. The child is not yours so you should just let your DH deal with it. If he doesn't, so be it. HE can't be as invested in his child as you are. And as BM could tell the judge "My child's father will not talk to me. I just get lectured by his wife. She tries to make me feel like a failure."
There are times DH has had to deal with his ex over their sons. I have o0ffered my opinion or facts. But end of the day, this is HIS battle, not yours.
I don't think the ladies here
I don't think the ladies here are trying to be mean. We are trying to give you fair warning. You are setting yourself up for heart break & failure.
BM is not going to lose custody over "parenting differences." Even if she doesn't send SD to summer school, even if she send her in shoes 2 sizes too small, even if she bought her new tattoo with CS. At best, she will get talked too if the judge feels summer school was important. Is it best for SD, probably not but you don't lose custody over these types of issues.
You do way way too much for this kid. She is not yours and SD will always choose BM over you in the end. It is biological and normal. It is very atypical to choose a step parent (& yes it would be you as DH's balls seem to be in your purse) over a bio-parent even, or maybe especially if the bio-parent is crappy.
I asked SD before DH & I got F'd over for the piece of shit BM. Why do you continue to reach out to your mom if she disappoints you so often? She said, " I hope for better & I want her to love me." You are never going to win.