So hurt and disgusted by SD and BM
We went to the first meeting with the counselor yesterday to get SD into a treatment program.
BM and SD had their appointment before us. We were originally told we weren't allowed to attend the meeting and then I convinced the office to allow us to take up the second half of the original appointment since it was our appointment to begin with.
Well I guess BM and SD didn't know we were going to the meeting. We were waiting in the waiting room and could hear SD and BM around the corner coming out of the office. They turned the corner and saw us and SO smiled at SD and started to get up to go say hi. Both SD and BM bolted back around the corner without saying a word. I looked over and SO and his face was white and he looked like he was about to burst into tears. We could hear them around the corner whispering to the counselor, then they walked down the hall and we heard the office door shut again. A few minutes later, the counselor comes out and says we can go in now. We were a little surprised, thinking she's taking us into the room with BM and SD and that maybe they had a change of heart and want to be in the meeting with us. Nope.
She takes us into a tiny little room with 2 chairs, tells us she will be right back and then closes the door. We hear her go across the hall and open the other office door and BM and SD come out and leave. She comes back and brings us into the other office. We asked her what that was all about and she said that SD was uncomfortable seeing us. She didn't even want to walk past us.
I thought SO was going to cry and throw up all at the same time. His own daughter couldn't even walk past him. We felt like criminals. I have never felt like that in my life. I honestly felt like we had done something wrong. Like we beat her or something and are not allowed within 100 yards of her.
The part that disgusted me the most?....BM didn't even say shit. If that was me, I would be saying to SD "that is your father. Go say hi to him".
The last time SD was at our house everything was fine. She actually said "awww I don't want to go home" before she left. That was a month ago. And then the next weekend BAM she's never coming over again. No explanations at all.
I have never felt such hurt for someone in my life. I can't imagine how SO was feeling in that moment. His own daughter. It's heartbreaking. Especially since he hasn't done anything wrong. I just want to cry for him.
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OMG i cant even imagine how
:jawdrop: OMG i cant even imagine how your DH felt..... What did the counselor say!
The counselor didn't say much
The counselor didn't say much at first. She seemed a little bit like she was just humoring us at first by even letting us have the appointment. Once I reminded her that my sister in law is her co-worker she seemed to change her tune. She also seemed a little surprised when we filled her in on a few things that had happened with SD that BM didn't tell her about. Overall the meeting ended up going well.
I honestly think that BM went in there and bashed us and then once she found out that she knows my family and talked to us she realized what BM is all about. At the end of the meeting she said she's really happy that we want to be involved and she thinks we are really good for SD and we seem to be very supportive and caring.
This is exactly why we wanted the meeting. We wanted to show her the other side of the story. Not just the lies that BM spews.
That's so sad, I feel bad for
That's so sad, I feel bad for your SO too. I'm so afraid something like this will happen to us when SD gets older.
Sometimes SD will come back from BM's acting like something is wrong and she doesn't want to be here, even though she was happy before she left. I believe she was negatively influenced by BM. Those damn bitches!! And, it's NOT just a hunch, SD has said things to us before that proves it.
EXACTLY!! She has NO reason
EXACTLY!! She has NO reason to be uncomfortable at all! It's the shit that BM puts in her head. That were not supportive. Or that we are going to be mad at her for something she says. It's just insane. It just worried me because that doesn't look good at all when the kid is afraid to walk past her dad. To an outsider who doesn't know any of us that could look like a serious issue. They could jump to all kinds of conclusions about what that could mean.
So what happened with the
So what happened with the counselor?
Wow, it blows my mind how so
Wow, it blows my mind how so many BMs try to poison their children. When mine didn't want to meet the SO of my ex, I told them they had to, it was important to their father, but they could do it together if it made them more comfortable. (Understand that I had not made them meet any previous, this one just seemed different and more like she could stay around a while.) Finally, I walked with them and greeted her like a friend so that my girls (then 13 and 16) could see that I had NO problem with their dad seeing someone else and I thought this person was OK.
We need more bio-moms like
We need more bio-moms like you.
Thank you To be fair, when
Thank you
To be fair, when gf took DD14 for her first mani/pedi I was hurt and not happy that DD had been pawned off on the gf while he did something else AND I missed that mother/daughter experience. I did not like her playing mommy with MY DD. I do realize it was w/ good intention and she didn't realize what she was doing. She also didn't know that ex has a history of pawning his kids off on his SO. BTDT with his son from a prior relationship when we were married.
Think of it as though the
Think of it as though the girlfriend were a friend of the family, or an aunt, taking her to get her nails done.
Although, I can certainly see where a bio-mom would feel hurt if the SM/SO did something with their kid before they got a chance to.
I feel like this is how I
I feel like this is how I would be as a bio-mom as well. I'd like to think so anyways. It just does so much damage to the kids when BMs act like children themselves.
You are rare and amazing. I wish I had you instead our crazy BM lol
Our BM is certifiable. I
Our BM is certifiable. I WANT ex to be involved w/ someone and this gf seems really good for him. I am REALLY hoping it lasts b/c she will help him be more involved w/ his girls.
This happened to us.
This happened to us. Overnight DH was cut out of SD's life. He tried to fight for her and it didn't work. They now see each other once in awhile for dinner. It destroyed my husband for the last 4 years. He has come to terms that this is his relationship with her. He blames BM and has zero communication with her now. An occasional email is it.
Just stand by him and support him. I blamed myself for a long time, but this would have happened no matter who DH married. BM has no boundaries and her house is more fun. Clearly, my SD18 is barely graduating and has done lots of drugs and is considered a slut in her HS.
Good luck, because this is going to get worse as long as BM is steering the ship.
She was 14 when this
She was 14 when this happened? SD is going to be 14 in a couple of weeks.
Were there any issues or reasons that SD gave him?
Yeah - he wouldn't let her
Yeah - he wouldn't let her date. And I was too strict. Read my blogs. Go back 3 years and you can see the PAS at it's finest with BM.
DH's daughter completely cut
DH's daughter completely cut him out of her life recently (a month? two months now?).
I feel so bad for your DH. Mine is just sick over it and has actually lashed out at ME over it. I'm trying to be patient but the hate I feel for BM and SD for doing this to him is making it hard. He doesn't want to give up on his daughter. :sick:
BM succeeded in her mission to alienate his daughter from him and now she is working hard on his son (who currently adores him). Every single Sunday when he returns to her from visits with DH, he gets punished for something. She sends a nasty email to DH telling him that SS11 comes back from our house surly, sullen, and disrespectful and that she is worried about the influence DH has on him. SMH. He is 11 and he comes to OUR house acting the same way for the first day. It's pretty normal for kids to do that on transition days. But of course, it's all DH's fault. I wonder how many punishments he will have to endure and how much shit talk he will have to hear about his dad being so evil (non-religious) and how terrible he is for being an absent deadbeat (EOWE visits and paying double the state required CS) before SS "chooses" to quit coming over too.
Really? This is common? I
Really? This is common? I would not have expected that at all. I mean kids need a father. I could not imagine not talking to my dad for 8 years.
I think SO is expecting this will go away in a month or so and things will change. Probably best if I try and prepare him that this could go on for a long long time?
In addition; I mean how do
In addition; I mean how do you go on with your life without her? We are planning to have kids soon....Do we just go on with our lives and have our own kids? It just feels to me like we are trying to replace her, or that's what she will think. Oh my this is such a mess.
Good question, I am
Good question, I am interested in other people's answers.
I feel like DH should concentrate all of his energies on his remaining child. He is still hurting over his daughter. When I suggested taking SS somewhere out of town after school lets out, DH snapped at me "You know, I have TWO children."
Your answer should be. "Yes
Your answer should be. "Yes I know that, but does she? I am trying to do what is best for the child that wants to be here." Then walk away. Do not engage with him or this will be your fault and you are the reason she left. Trust me, BTDT and have learned my lesson. I do not argue about SD much anymore, but I do tell him everything I see on Twitter or Yik Yak pretty factually and it is up to him to process. Not me. Not my kid...
You just do. You can't fix
You just do. You can't fix someone else's crazy hon. They have to realize there's something to be fixed and want to fix it themselves. Are you really willing to put your whole life into stasis in case you Might be hurting her feelings by doing something that not her decision, by living Your life? If you want kids, have kids. You're not replacing her and it doesn't really matter what she thinks. She May certainly think it. But is that ally enough reason to give up having children of your own? She will only think that because of super skewed thinking.
We haven't seen SD17 in 3 years. We now have a 8 month old DD. does SD resent it? Probably. But she doesn't want anything to do with our life anyway and didn't for over a year before I got pregnant. And even if she'd been part of our life, the reproductive choices in This family are made by my husband and I. No one else. Not hid kid, not our parents, not friends. Just us. We keep offering invites, making overtures, but you can't make someone be involved. Particularly not when there is another adult that tells them they don't have to and gives them a place to hide. Not when the courts say its not required.
So does SD feel replaced? She certainly made a comment to her dad about hoping he does better with his "do-over" so I would guess yes. Does that mean we need to base all of our life decisions, our family off of what crap BM will shove down SD's throat or that SD will come up with on her own around those choices? No. I'm not willing for someone else to have that much control over my life.
Yes you do move on. Sorry
Yes you do move on. Sorry but, it is hard for DH and clearly easier for me. But, I still struggle with this. We take vacations without her, we have family dinners. My boys are happier that she is not here. She was all drama, all the time. This household seemed to take a breath without her and it is fine. DH hurts, but I do not consider her anymore a part of the family. Blunt and harsh, but BM put us through hell and I will not allow the toxicity to affect my marriage anymore.
You need to be prepared, this will probably result in SD deciding to no longer come over. My SD and BM knew DH would not allow this, so that is why she sued us the week after 14. Ironically the kid was grounded at the time for lying to her dad about the Boyfriend. So it was easy for her to walk away.
I don't necessarily have a
I don't necessarily have a problem moving on with our lives. I just hurt for him. I can't imagine how I would feel if I was in his position and my child didn't want to see me, especially for no reason.
I didn't realize it was such a common thing I guess. My best friend went like 4 years when we were in highschool without talking to her dad and I thought it was really weird. I guess maybe just because most of my friends parents are still together and im just not used to divorce and blended families.
I've gotten differing advice lately. Some people say to just leave her alone and let her come back when shes ready, some say that we should continue calling the day before our scheduled weekends to ask if shes coming, that way BM can never come back on us and say we weren't trying or we aren't wanting to be involved.
We are just so lost and neither of us have experienced anything like this before.
If he still has a CO in
If he still has a CO in place, he should exercise it. Just do not go to court over it. It cost 10K on us to do that with the lawyers and ultimately we gave up when it was clear the judge would do what the child wanted.
You need to read more blogs.
You need to read more blogs. This is really common around the age of 13 and 14 with SD's. There are a lot of us on here in the same situation. I am 4 years out of the day she left this house and honestly it still affects our life. Now we are dealing with her possible graduation.
Yeah my SD was in the
Yeah my SD was in the hospital at 16 after having an emergency c-section. She cried and said, "I didn't think you'd come!" She squeezed my hand so tight that I just about asked her to stop.
Next time, all of a sudden she is only allowed 2 visitors and BM won't leave her room. So if DH wanted to see her, it had to be with BM "supervising."
After that, she quit coming for visits, quit responding to any attempts to get in touch with her. Oh, I take that back, she DID come over for Father's Day that year. That was the last time she had any contact with us for 3 years. Now, their relationship is still strained, at best. We have no idea what happened.
Pretty much what happened
Pretty much what happened with SD here too. Also at about 14. The only real reasons she's ever given is that he "replaced" her by marrying me :sick: and then she got on the "I'm afraid of you" bandwagon because he yelled at her once in the parking lot of an amusement park to put on sunblock (which had All kinds of other shit leading up to him raising his voice but whatever...). Girl has NO reason to be afraid of him. She screams like a banshee whenever the mood strikes her and we know BM screams at her enough to get the cops called on them for well fare checks by the neighbors often. But somehow, because daddy raised his voice Once, he's going to eat her.
Yes to is pretty common. You are not alone. No it may not get better for years or well... sometimes ever.
Exactly... It doesn't make
Exactly... It doesn't make sense, but we have to move on with our lives and love the kids that are in the house.
How sad, that BM is messing
How sad, that BM is messing up peoples lives and her own daughters too!
I think its more common than many may realize but I hope the SD can find her inner strength and overcome the damage from all this. I'd suggest that you guys remain involved in her life and support her as best as you can especially when it comes to her self esteem. She is going to need it. Hang in there and good luck.
Thank you everyone for all
Thank you everyone for all the love and support. I really appreciate it. I guess I still have so much learning to do even though I'm 3 years into it. I'm going to do my best to support SO and help him prepare for the possibility that she may not come back. I feel like I am grieving a loss right along with him. It's so hard to see him hurt so much. I really hope we can get past this and move on with our lives. Thank you all for your continued support. HUGS to all!!