So lost
I try to be a good partner. I try to support him and have SO's back as best I can in all aspects. I don't know how to do that this time. I do not agree with him this time.
Yesterday I texted SD13 and simply said "Hi. How are things". I got no response from her. I did however get a message from BM later that said "she would probably be better if her father called her instead of you". I'm not sure how she even texted me because I blocked her. I guess I didn't do it right. I'll have to fix that today.
Anyways..I talked with SO this morning and suggested that maybe he call or text SD. He said he doesn't know what to say. I told him just to say hi, or how are you, or I miss you or something small, that shows hes reaching out. He said no, he thinks that would send the message that she has the control and he is not giving control to a kid.
I don't necessarily disagree with this aspect. I mean she messed up, its up to her to call and apologize. BUT, he constantly is down about it. I can tell he misses her and he wants things to change. But he's so damn stubborn that he wont approach her and he wont give her what she needs. She wants him to call her and she wants to discuss her issues and how she doesn't like coming to our house etc.
My thought on this is if your willing to do that, and give her what she wants, then do it! If not; then shut the hell up about it! Deal with the choices you have made. I think he really thinks that being stubborn will work this time. But I KNOW it wont. Yeah she's gonna be 14 soon and should know better and should be able to take the initiative to call him...BUT she has the mentality of a 9 year old! She's not going to do that and she sure as hell doesn't understand why she should have to.
I love SO so much and I know hes hurting and stressed and wants this to all go away, but I know that SD and BM are not going to give in. SD will not talk to him and will not come to our house until she gets the family meeting that she wants, and BM will not stop putting shit in her head until we cave and do absolutely everything she wants and let her control everything.
That's not going to happen. Ever. So I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. How can I support him? How can I make him feel better about the situation when I know that it will never change because he is too stubborn, SD doesn't have a clue what's going on, and BM is absolutely insane and is trying to alienate SD from us.
He's so upset, and feels like hes lost his daughter for good. Honestly, he probably has. Theres just so much history and so much damage has been done over the past few weeks that nothing will ever be the same.
I'm sick of dwelling over it. You make your own choices. Choose to either call your daughter and give her what she wants, or don't and shut the fuck up. That's what I want to say to him.
I just can't deal with what I am supposed to do in all this. I don't know what to do for him, or how to help him to move past it. I'm so lost.
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Ive kinda been there done
Ive kinda been there done this kinda thing with my DH and his daughter now 18.
Let me tell you something, and I agree with the poster above you are interjecting yourself to much into this situation.
But let me tell you what I really know from experience. Men do not dwell on things. They dont have the urge to "deal with things" esp when it involves a teenager telling her grown father why she doesnt want to come over. Her feelings at that age are not relevent. He is the parent she is the child.
The only thing my DH has ever done right when it comes to his kid is sat with her at a table when she was 12 years old and where she told him she hated me, she didnt want to live with us anymore. She wanted her Daddy to leave me (yes she was 12) and it just be her and her sister and him like it used to be.
DH was very harsh given that she was 12 and told her out right. My wife is my future, you have your own future. Some day your going to move away, your going to start your life and good luck to you. Well I have started my life and it is with my wife, so dont come back if you cant handle that.
One of the only times he has stood up for her and that very conversation has left a black cloud over my home and his relationship with that child ever since.
Men dont care if a kids fee fee's are hurt. He doesnt think about it until you bring it up. He talks to vent, and unfortunately you have to listen to it. But his feelings are no where near as intense as yours are about him "getting to the bottom of it" Or "fixing it"
That's exactly how he thinks.
That's exactly how he thinks. That her feelings are not relevant. Which I must say I agree with to a certain extent. But she has her fathers stubbornness and will not come back until he validates her feelings, and BM will not make her. It doesn't bother me either way, and I am trying to stay out of it, I just struggle with how to support him in all of this. I think he's back and forth thinking its his fault. Hopefully after we go see the counselor he will feel better about the situation.
Sidebar: when the hell did kids feelings become so important? When did we start bowing down to them? When I was a kid my parents didn't give a shit what I wanted or about my feelings. They are the parents, we are the children and what they say goes. I just don't get how society got to this point. It baffles me.
My personal experience with
My personal experience with having a stubborn father was that he decided I owed him an apology, failed to mention it to me, and just didn't speak to me again (to include crossing the street when he saw me coming) for a decade.
I had made a few phone calls, emails and cards, but I was already an adult and at a certain point I decided that I didn't need to chase him to kingdom come to beg him for the chance to apologize to him.
I don't know the personalities involved, but my dad didn't seem to miss me at all. When I learned he was ill near the end of his life, I flew to his city twice to visit him and try to mend fences. Can't say anything really got sorted out, but I at least came face-to-face with the reality that he just couldn't be in a normal relationship. He'd also, btw, done the exact opposite with my brother, chasing him and calling him to speak with him, but my brother had maintained distance for his own sanity. My bro also stepped up to be there for him when he was ill... and my dad just had him renovate his apartment for free for him.
And my dad left everything he had to my sister. Didn't really bother me or my brother in terms of money, after all, it was his money and apartment. But how angry or immature or both does a parent have to be, to have zero contact with 2/3 kids and be ok with that? And to continue that zero contact from beyond the grave?
So if that's your DH, parenting is not giving the silent treatment. Parenting is having a rational discussion about expectations and consequences. NOW. When she's still a teenager. Because that conversation isn't going to suddenly happen when she's 18 or 21 or 35.
parenting is not giving the
parenting is not giving the silent treatment
^^This^^ The girl is 13. Her parents are responsible for teaching her how to be a decent person and how to handle conflicts and disagreements. What is he teaching her?
He thinks giving her the silent treatment is showing her that he is is in control? I disagree.