Thad and I met on a blind date. He is a single father, and I am a single mother. As we talked, I could tell that he was a special person, but I had no idea how special.
After months of dating, we decided it was time to meet the kids. We had decided that his girls (5 and 7) were not ready for "Daddy's girlfirend" nor could they understand that concept. So, we "bumped" into eachother at a Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Immediately, the girls wanted to sit at the table with my son and I. The next few times that I saw the girls, we met as friends. The girls would ask about me and my son really liked Thad. Thad is a firefighter, he loves history and science fiction, much like my son. They bonded over time with a strong bond. Thad's oldest daughter, seemed to take to me instantly. While his youngest daughter took some time. But eventually, she gave me hugs for no reason and asked to call me when she was visiting her dad.
As mine and Thad's relationship grew stronger and we could see that it was getting serious and we knew we had a future together, we began to have combined dinners, and days at the amusement park with our kids. Everything was going so well!
Then, the girls started to talk about me and my son... ALL the time! I was ecstatic!"They like me! They really like me!" I can remember thinking to myself. But then, the consequences of our happiness began to take a toll. The exwife. She began to grill the girls about me and my son. My son being 12 at the time, she saw him as a threat to her girls, without knowing anything about him, or me for that matter. I tried to put myself in her shoes. To understand how it must feel to have another woman in your childrens lives, being an example, and caring for them. I understood her to an extent.
At the same time, she and I went to Thad and told him we thought we should meet. He couldnt believe that the two of us were on this same page. But that wasnt all. We both wanted to meet without Thad there. Now I know this sounds like a recipe for disaster, but she and I are both professional women, mothers, Christians. Maybe it was stupid to assume that this meant we would be civil, but we both did. We met for coffee.
As I sat in the coffee shop waiting for her to arrive, I studied every woman that walked through the door, waiting for someone to have a searching look on their face. When she walked in, I didnt have to ask if it was her, I didnt have to study her body language. She looked EXACTLY like their youngest daughter.
As we sat and talked, we laughed, we shared stories. I, being a psychology major, probably overshared on some of the communication issues we all seemed to have. But, as I sat there, I thought "Under different circumstances, she and I could be great friends!" But being the somewhat naive, caring person I can be, I also thought "Why should that stop us?" We started to talk about how their oldest daughter loves sushi, and how the both of us do as well. We went as far as to talk about a future get together with the girls, their mother, and myself. What was meant to be a 30-45 minute meetng, turned into a 4 hour event. The meeting went extremely well.
Before I even had my car in drive, I had called Thad to tell him that she and I were going to be friends. I could hear the anxiety in his voice as he responded "uh, ok." I knew that it would be awkward for his exwife and his new wife to be friends. But dangit! We are grown, responsible adults. We do not have to let petty life experiences get into the way of being great parents to these children. Right?
Wrong. Before I pulled into my driveway, I got another call from Thad. She had called him and given him a completely different run down of how the afternoon had gone. She talked about how apparently I had told her that he was to blame for all of their issues. She told him I was unhappy with our relationship and she knew that it would last long and it was ashame the girls had grown attached to me because they would only be hurt by yet another split up.
What I had gone into as an honest attempt to make peace and find a common ground for the children, had been an ambush to be used to twist information and turn it into something ugly. I learned a vrey valuable lesson that day, and it made me sad. "Why are adults stupid?" I asked Thad. "We make everything so difficult. We think we have to choose, and make the children believe that too. Why can't they have three loving parents? I will never take her place, but I will never stop loving them either."