Im starting to hate my life...

I am new to this site, i found it trying to find some answers. I am engaged, and have been living full time with my soon to be SD for a year now. In the beginning i was told that she was a handful because she has ADHD and a heavy case of it at that. What i wasn't prepared for is that she is 9 years old with the education lvl of a 1st grader, she doesn't listen to anything you say, she cant even follow basic tasks (ie. using toilet paper after going the bathroom), I get letters and emails from the school saying she is billy. She is mean to my family (who love her regardless of her behavior). She kicks dogs. She ruins her toys, Cuts them, draws on them, pokes out her dollies eyes with pens.

I am literally at a point right now were i am thinking about leaving her father. I love him with all my heart but she is sucking my soul out day by day. SD moved here out of state, so before she lived with us i had never even met her. I have never met a child in my life who is so evil.

The school is doing everything they can to get her at the right education lvl, and i spend 3/4 hours a day working on homework with her, and i explain something to her and the next day its like we never even talked about it.

I dread coming home everyday.

I need some support. i hope this site can help me. I love her father and i dont want to leave him but i cant live like this. i cry every night. im loosing my mind, i dont even know how i feel half the time anymore.

help me.. please..

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Why are You spending 3 to 4

Why are You spending 3 to 4 hours a day on homework? Why are you getting emails from her school? Why isn't her father taking care of this??

I get that the kid is ... less than ideal. But where is dad on this? Is she not in counseling? Is she not on medication? Honestly, this is less the 9 year olds fault than it is Dad's. This is not your child. This is not your job. Why are you the one taking care of this??

Have you talked to your fiance about needing support? Does he discipline her? What does he do about all of these unwanted behaviors? What does he do about the school? About kicking dogs and ruining toys?

Depending on where dad is with this and how he's handling it, you have a couple paths that can happen. If dad is correcting her, disciplining her, backing you up, following up with the school, sitting next to you when the homework is going on, then I suggest you back off from the kid and let dad take over. Talk to him about feeling overwhelmed and look into family therapy.

If dad denies that there's a problem, ignores her behavior, disregards what you say about her behavior, doesn't believe she's a bully or kicking dogs, tell you you're being too harsh, comes home and doesn't actively participate in helping with homework and working on raising this kid to be something other than a holy terror.... life is just going to get worse as this child gets older and I'd suggest you move out.

There's obviously a lot more going on here than what made it into a short post and that's fine. You're the only one that knows the whole situation. It is totally normal and reasonable that you feel overwhelmed and like leaving if you suddenly had the kid shipped to you and all the parenting has been dumped in your lap. But this is a problem with your fiance - this is something HE is doing wrong. You say She's sucking your soul out every day, but it sounds like dad had the kid show up on the doorstep and said, Great! Fiancee, you're a mom! I'll be over here in my easy chair have fun. That's a problem you have to address with Him.

Well...The good news is that

Well...The good news is that you are not married. What does your fiance say about the situation with the daughter? You may love the man very much, but the child or children come as a package. If you are crying yourself to sleep at night, those feelings will not go away with marriage. I hate to be blunt, and I certainly do not mean rudeness in anyway, but you have a window into your future. First, be thankful that you met the daughter prior to your marriage. She could have shown up at your front door after you had tied the knot. You would be in a entirely different situation had that been the case.

Step mothers have the brunt of it generally, because the man usually works more to provide. It is a team effort. It sounds as if you are doing a fabulous job now with your soon to be sd. She will soon be your true sd, and based on what you stated, it sounds a lot more of an issue then ADHD. She could have emotional impairment on top of it which is a problem all in itself. The two issues together are frightening.

I would have a serious sit down with your fiance and find out what his plans are for the future. Is there a social worker at the school? If so, does she see him or her?. Therapy is definitely in order as a side bar as well. Keep in mind that this situation could correct itself in time with hard work and therapy, but it will take a lot out of you, there is no denying it. You should also consider what her problems will do in regard to any future children the two of you may have together. She could be a drain on you and your relationship, and hinder a calm household with any of your own children. It is a lot to think about I know, but the fact you wrote it all down to vent suggests you may be considering leaving the situation more than you realize. It is okay to choose that option. I would not marry until or unless the two of you have a solid plan.

Best of luck, prayers to you.

Slowly (no not really do it

Slowly (no not really do it quickly) back off from this kid.

Let her father be the parent that he is. She deserves to have a parent. You are not her parent and are not even a good second choice to be the parent. She is 9 not 2 - she knows who her parents are. Even if the mother has totally bowed out you cannot just step in and take her place.

Then take some time to evaluate your situation to see if you can last 9 more years with her everyday. That's a long time. And that's in a best case scenario where she actually spreads her wings as an adult.

Your suggestion is one i have

Your suggestion is one i have thought a lot about. She calls me "Mom" which i DON'T like, but i don't know how to stop it with out hurting her feelings. She detests her BM, and wont talk to her when she calls she just hangs up the phone. i try to explain to her that even if her mother has don't bad things she is still her mother but it doesn't help. She even makes us 'return to sender' the card her mother sends, she wont even open them.

Sometimes she tells me i'm the best mom ever, she has never said anything bad to me, even when i'm upset at her she is telling me she loves me and she wants to be good but she cant. she always says 'idk why i hurt people all the time' or 'i'm trying to figure out why i'm so bad' i don't know enough about children to know if that is BS or if she really feels badly.

Im going to reply to both at

Im going to reply to both at the same time.

Yes, a lot of what is wrong with her is her Bio parents fault. after they split BM got custody and moved out of state, she then started down a long windy path of Meth.. Which is how we got her. We got calls from the state services that she was living in, saying that she hasn't been to school in weeks and we needed to take custody or she would go to the state. so we(he) did that. less then 30 days later here she was... (she stayed with relatives while he did all the court stuff)

SD, father, lets call him "T"

T works a lot to pay our bills because i go to school full time and work part time. so when he gets home he eats, helps her with that homework i haven't and goes to bed and starts all over again, 6 days a week. Yes we don't always agree on how to raise her because i think he should be more strict, and he would like to be more lax.

Regarding all her outbursts (that's a nice way to put it) i just remove all the things from her room that she is miss treating. for two months all i has in her room was blankets and Books. She earned back her toys recently. But now she is mistreating them again, i feel like she never learns.

She is on medication, and we just had a doctors appt about that, so we are up to date. the doctor seems to think that there is something mentally wrong with her, when you talk to her she is slow. she cant make a full sentence. I spend 3/4 hours on homework because that's how long it takes! i refuse to do it for her, i will assist her in finding the answer but i firmly believe that she will never learn if i just tell her.

T dose not deny there is a problem but he is just as lost as i am. He gets just as frustrated. The reason i didn't mention him much is because i know they are a package deal, and i know that if i cant live with her, i will loose him. Which breaks my heart. I hold Huge animosity towards BM, i feel as though she ruined my life. we would have never had full custody if she wasn't a meth head. I could have handled with summers and winter break. but 24/7/365 of a child who literally frightens me is so hard. I cant even have my friends with small children come over because i'm afraid of what SD will do to them if she gets upset.

I do talk to T about needing more support but i feel like we are both at a brick wall, he doesnt know what to do as much as i don't. I feel horrible because i have NO maternal instinct for this child. i don't even like doing her laundry because it feels to personal to me. like you wouldn't touch your neighbors child's undergarments, its just uneasy to me.

SD claims she loves me, and when i go to her school for conferences her teachers and IEP helpers say she talks highly of me. the sad part is that doesn't make me feel proud, i feel like i'm entitled to that. i gave up everything to help this child and all i get is grief.

I know i need to see some one for the help, ive called for options that my insurances covers but i never follow up. i just have so much on my plate, i feel like a cant afford to let anything go to make time for my self.

oh side note. I have already

oh side note. I have already told T that i will not get married until i feel we can be a family with limited issues. I WONT do this for the rest of my life, it needs to be fixed before we can move on with our combined lives.

Thank you for saying all

Thank you for saying all those nice things. Sometimes i get so caught up in how frustrated i am and i forget about everything else.

i am going to back off but i don't think i'm ready to give up yet. i am going to seek some help for my self and let her father worry about what issues she has. i can only do so much and its wearing me thin

and you are right i am loosing my spark. My friend was just telling my yesterday she sees a weight on me that she never has before. and literally my body aches, i need to de-stress.

For starters i gave up my

For starters i gave up my sanity! i lived alone before he got custody of her. we planned on moving in one day but not this soon. There was no other way he would be able to care for her. he doesn't have any family on this side of the US, and he needed someone to take her to and from school and be home when he can not. so I've shifted my life because i love him.

yes i am very scatter brained. this last year has took a lot from me. i don't feel my self anymore. I used to want a family. now the thought of having a child (even my own child) is frightening. I wouldn't want them around SD in fear that she will hurt them.

And i have done everything i can to learn about ADHA, Ive bought books, Ive been to seminars, I've even been to parenting support groups for children with ADHD. Iv'e had one on ones with her SD counselor. The actions SD inhibits are NOT because of her ADHD, her inability to focus and her short term forgetfulness, yes they are. but everything that have read, seen and herd. tells me that the behavior outburst and the blatant harm to other people and property is not. I don't allow my friends in my home anymore because she is so unruly and hurtful to people. Her Doctor and her counselors tell me that, slight moodiness/unwillingness to behave is common on her condition and medication but not to the degree she takes things. And the Doctor did give me recommendations on who to see to have a her checked for being DD but, none of them are covered by her fathers insurance, and we dont have that kind of money laying around... so idk what we are going to do about that. All I've found so far.. is that i cant get any assistance until she is diagnosed, and i cant afford to get her diagnosed. I have to look into other options.

Im not sure why you think you know so much about ADHD and how it effects my SD, ive gotten all my information from educated sources who have seen and hurd SD, the things SD dose are not her ADHD, her school has a daycare for Special needs children. They took her once and return our deposit, they let us know that they could not handle someone one who would harm others. apparently she a was throwing books at small children. i was mortified.

Everyone keeps saying that we aren't equip to handle this, but she is here, so I'm going to have to learn or leave. just typing the words yesterday. the thought of Leaving T. i cant do that, i wont do that. So we are going to have to learn. its not like a can find my receipt and return her.

The poster you referenced is

The poster you referenced is clearly NOT an expert on ADHD or the way school systems always work. There are some on here who dole out opinions and present them as if they are fact. I am glad to see you picked up on that.

I am not an expert either, but I have a a good amount of experience with ADHD kids. I did A LOT of research on it in my Masters program. I think there is a lot more going on with your SD, and you seem to see that, too. There could be a number of things, but she really needs to be evaluated by a doctor. The symptoms your SD is experiencing may possibly be ODD or Conduct Disorder. Or any number of things.

ADHD kids CAN ABSOLUTELY reach grade level, or already be at grade level. The problem is, they cannot focus and concentrate, among other things, so it can affect them so badly that their grades suffer. I worked with a young teen who has severe ADHD, but is on grade level. Her issue is she is so hyperactive that she has to be in small classes to help her focus better. She is an amazing writer, and is pretty darn good at math. It is NOT easy for kids with ADHD to deal with school, but in the right environment, they can thrive. I have seen it firsthand.

I know you do not have the funds, but you need to sit down with your doctor and see what doctors are covered. It may be someone 2 hours away, but you really need a diagnosis here. I worked with a family last year who had the same problem, and it took a lot of time, but they finally found a doctor who was willing to take payments. It is NOT easy, I know.

I really feel for you. No one who is not going through this can fully understand how this affects you. You have gone above and beyond. I am sorry if I missed it-what has the school said to you? Have they done evaluations? They can be a great resource, but they are not the only resource, which you know. You are such a good advocate for your SD, but you know what, this is a lot on you. It may be too much.

I talk with the school

I talk with the school weekly, and they tell me they are doing everything they can do with out having a diagnosed problem, her teacher isn't so good at communication but her IEP helper contact me regularly.

Yes, once you have a

Yes, once you have a diagnosis, it will help you and them.

The issue is finding someone

The issue is finding someone who can do that, covered by our insurance. or finding the funding to do it with out insurance. Along with school full time and working part time, i also own a internet home business. I have some new clients recently due to a Venue i hosted a few shows at, so that's hopeful but idk if i going to make enough to cover the cost of the test that need to be done.

I know, it is so frustrating.

I know, it is so frustrating. This is what happened to one of the kids I worked with. They found a doctor who took payments, but it was a long road.

My hat's off to you; I

My hat's off to you; I couldn't and wouldn't do what you've done for a child who was not mine. I've been down this road (minus the academics) with my bio-child; it wasn't easy, it's something I'd never want to repeat, and it's something I'd never wish on anyone.

Perhaps you should spend a weekend with a close friend or relative to clear your head and let you see your situation more clearly. It may help you sort out both your conflicting emotions as well as your options.

You said you work part time and go to school full time; is it possible for you to get a dorm or a small studio apt. for just yourself? I don't know if that is even something you'd consider, but it could save your relationship in the long run. I really think that if you keep going the way you are, you will just build up resentment towards both your SO and SD to the point that nothing can be reconciled.

At the very least, give yourself a break. She isn't your kid. You don't have to love her let alone do the things you are doing for her. If she is that behind on homework, let the school and her father work it out. Perhaps she needs to be placed in a special school or class; minimally, I think SD will end up with an IEP, but your DH will have to request it first.

Chin up, hon.

Thank you for the support,

Thank you for the support, and she is already on IEP, and it really isn't helping. she has someone with her 65% of her class day. helping her or taking her out of class to do something else (like when the class dose multiplication, she gets taken out and she dose addition) I IEP helpers say that she will try for the first 10 minutes or so and then she just gives up and guesses. that's the same thing she dose as home, so i make her take breaks. 15 minutes of home work, 10 of playing. until we are all done. its the only way i can get her to say on task, but it makes everything twice as hard and long.

Though moving sounds amazing, i would miss T, I miss him when he goes to work. Having a personal vacation may been a good idea. T's mother is coming this summer for a few weeks. maybe she can watch SD while i have some Me time.

You are a great person for

You are a great person for being there for this little girl and it is not something a lot of us can take on. If you are this miserable now honey, it's not going to get better. I am in a similar situation with my SO and his 2 sons. Except I leave all the parenting (or lack thereof) to my SO. I signed up for my own son and I don't want 2 more. And because I feel that way, and because I am so miserable with his kids around, I have been thinking about leaving my relationship. I know what I can handle and what I can tolerate and this life is not for me. I hope you think about that for your life, too. How much of this can you tolerate? Is it going to get better as she gets to be a teenager? Probably not. It will probably get worse. I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy. No one should live their lives the way some of us stepparents do.

T and i had a talk today, and

T and i had a talk today, and im going to back off on the parenting role. i let him know that i was feeling overly stressed and i needed some time to get me back. he seemed to understand and agreed that i haven't been my normal happy self. so we are going to try that for a while. I still need to figure out a way for her to stop calling me her mother. granted she has a shitty mother but i don't want to replace her, nor do i want her actions being viewed a reflection of me.

I think I would look at

I think I would look at attachment disorder with her. At least look to see if she falls somewhere on the continuum.

I agree that the behaviors you describe are not typical ADHD behaviors and I am a therapist. Some ADHD kids are the sweetest, friendliest kids you'll ever meet- just with too much energy and not enough focus.

Ive gotten several different

Ive gotten several different things from different people. Some say Fetal Alchol Syndrome, because she cant understand consequences, and that's a huge factor with ASF. Some say Developmentally Disabled (DD), for the same reason i just said and also that she has the mentality of a 5 year old. My 4 year old nephew hold a thought process better then she dose. I don't mean to hold her to a standard of other children but its the only way i have to know she is not on track. I've had people say osburgers, and learning disabilities, someone mentioned something today ive never herd of, its above this post. (the woman who works the ADHD children and teens) i think she said ODD? idk what that is.

Honestly i dont know whats wrong with her, it could be a number of things. i just need to look into it. but regardless if i find out what is wrong with her, will we be able to fix it, or am i doomed to live with her outbursts and foul activities the next 9 years.

I will be deleting the post from "rude with a smile mom" because like i said. i don't want to look at it.