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Update to Working With Opposite Sex

RockyRoads's picture

I know I give this man too many chances. I do it because he does have good qualities. I just put all the bad things on here. But I don't think he understands relationships because of what he has been through.  We talked a lot about the lie and I told him he must be honest with me. He said he worries so much about my temper. I will admit that I do get angry but it is because he is is hard headed and I think that makes me raise my voice a little and get upset.  And just after this talk I now realized that all he thinks is a temper is my opinion not being his.                                                                               Examples:  You all know that SD is pretty much no contact . Yesterday was her 18th birthday . He had wished her Happy Birthday and then later he said she called to tell him that she got into a certain college (now remember this guy get so exited when his kids actually call him and he never sees what the real picture is). So he should have just stopped the conversation there. But he continues, I don't know why no one has asked me what I was going to be able to contribute. He said especially since this college is more then the other one she was considering. He said I can only do a set amount and BM should be asking me. I simply said it doesn't matter about BM once SD graduates you don't owe BM an explanation or money anymore concerning SD.  He acted all confused. I said once child support is done legally then you are done with BM for that child. That is the law. Whatever you do for SD is between you and SD and SD can figure stuff out with BM.  I did not raise my voice or come across mean in any way. He said this is why I don't like to tell you because you are getting a temper.                                                                           Then right after that he says that SS has a private batting lesson SUnday morning because the one he had while SO was  out of town was cancelled by the teacher. He said even though he hasn't seen SS for several days he wants BM to take him to see how horrible SS attitude is and how bad he is at batting because she won't believe SO . I said I don't think it matters if she sees it or not she won't take him out of it.  He said she hates SS playing baseball and if he is going to play he needs to know how to bat. He said there is so much time and money being spent on this kid to play on a better team and have these lessons he needs to learn. I said he is going on 17 can he really learn if  he doesn't already know. I said know someone who teaches and said it hey have played since T-ball and can't hit that once they are a certain age they just don't have it. He said parents insist he teach them and it is just taking money for no reason. I said it is not worth you getting mad that SS can't hit because BM will put him in whatever any way. Just let the kid play. SO said but it is costing me time and money. I said then you and BM have to get on the same page. Again he said it was my temper.                                                                     I told him I both these instances we were having a conversation and it was my opinions that he is calling my temper. I said this is not just his life and I am not just along for the ride. I said if you are telling me these things and talking about them I need to respond if it is affecting me. He put his head in his hands and was crying.                                         Yes I know maybe I should have just let him talk about the turd kids but when he is saying things that definitely aren't right I have to speak up. I don't think he understands a relationship. Even though I think he tries he may never get it. 

Comments

Lillywy00's picture

Claiming you have a temper when you communicate your opinion then crying when you disagree with him about his kids means either he's just an emotionally sensitive guy or he's using his emotions to manipulate you to think how he thinks about those kids 

 

RockyRoads's picture

He is a sensitive guy and he has a lot going on right now. He said that he knows the things I say and I don't have to tell him. But I told him he doesn't always think with his head , he jumps the gun with his emotions and that is what he bases  his decisions on. I want to be understanding but if he is talking to me about things I do have opinions. Whether he likes them or not. And I can tell you that most of the time my opinion is the truth of what is happening.He says when he asks me something for my input he wants me to answer that question not deliberate everything. But things don't always have a black or white answer. So the story with SD and college was a set up for BM to start about the amount of money. I knew it. It wasn't SD letting daddio know about it.  BM was asking if she should go the more known college even though it is more money because it is a more known college. SO said there is no reason to spend more money if it is the same degree. But she is with SO like he is with me. SO opinion doesn't matter to her. She said  she will let SD decide.  So then he said should I put it out there that I am only able to give SD a couple hundred a month. I of course started to say too much. He said can you just answer the one question. I said I can but that doesn't explain why.  But I said yes tell her because if she thinks your going to front this college she needs to know you are not. He told her and she stopped texting.  It is not that I don't think a dad should help with college. But he has had to pay child support and wasn't able to save up and now that the kids are just cruel to him why should he break himself to pay for college. 

Rags's picture

Nea

This guys intellect and manipulative tactics are on the ropes.  Stick to your guns and keep him on the ropes.

Keep calling his DARVO bullshit in real time.  Training a failed partner with baggage how to adult is a never ending journey.

ESMOD's picture

No... I'm sorry.. here is the bottom line.

Either you are an angry shrew.. and he should be glad to be rid of you.

OR

He is a gaslighting toxic AH who is deflecting all his negative emotions regarding his failure as a father onto you.

To be clear.. there is no middle ground.. he is not a "nice guy" he is either scapegoating you.. or you are, in fact, a kind of crappy person about his kids and have anger issues.. I think you, and you alone know where the truth is there.

ESMOD's picture

I commented on the other post.. either you are a jerk.. or he is gaslighting.. the bottom line ... I think it's the latter.

ESMOD's picture

exactly... he is using his wittle emotions.. to make her constantly question her sanity in this relationships.  

RockyRoads's picture

He is a very emotional man but you are right, I do think some of it is because he wants me to feel like I am insane in the way I think.  I have now told him I am done just being here to be part of his life, that I am not here for the ride to do whatever he says. I have opinions and they matter. He is now starting to turn everyone of my opinions on anything into me having a temper.  I think he is so overwhelmed by all his crap that he isn't seeing reality.  Just this morning we were talking about how we need to save money. We are getting much needed updates on our house.  We were talking and it was just that. I have to say this that I always have to arrange my family for his on holidays. On Thanksgiving we went early to his parents  and they were to eat at 1 and the turkey wasn't even done until 2. I think it was on purpose so that grandma had more time with the SKs.  I had to be taken home before they ate because of my family.  I want to also add that me and my siblings spouses have all lost our parents. Very early in life. I am the oldest by far and I need to do for my family. Because of the time constraints with his family I have to order food instead of cooking and it is extremely expensive. So we are thinking of ways to save. I suggested that I don't go to his parents for Christmas me I stay home and prepare food.  It was again my temper. And for what so that we look a happy family for his parents who now know the truth anyway. 

Winterglow's picture

Next time he mentions your "temper", produce a dictionary,  make him read the definition of the word. He seems to think that any disagreement/discussion/opinion that differs from his is a sign of a "temper". WRONG! It's merely a sign of  character... Does he really believe  that, in this day and age, a woman isn't entitled to her own opinion, her own viewpoint, without being put down?

Rags's picture

Make him read how pathetic he is.

Great idea WG!!!!

ESMOD's picture

I'm going to put it in another way.

Your husband has poor impulse control.. Everyone has emotions.. he cannot control or moderate his.. That is a HIM problem.. but he makes it your problem.. and just like weaponized incompetence.. he uses it as a tool to control you.

 

Rags's picture

What could possibly be tolerable about this nasty maniplator that you tolerate him in your life?

Doing nothing solves nothing.  

Tears as manipulation is the ultimate betrayal of you and the ultimate proof of him being a gaslighting manipulative waste of your time.

Save yourself.

Living your best life cannot happen with this guy. It is long past time to show him your actual temper, rip him a new asshole, and purge he and his tragically parented spawn from your life.

IMHO of course.

Felicity0224's picture

I sincerely believe this man is an expert gaslighter. The fact that he was able to take something that HE did wrong (he lied to you!) and switch it around so that you're analyzing past arguments and justifying his behavior as a misguided reaction to your difference of opinion? Just, no. He redirected your attention by bringing up past stuff so that you would forget what you're upset with him about at this moment, which is the fact that he directly and intentionally lied to you. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

If you honestly think he doesn't know how to have a relationship and that he considers you voicing your opinion as having a temper, then he needs therapy. Will he do it? While you are trying to figure all of this out, your best bet is to quit saying anything about his kids. Let him vent and answer with non commital things like "really" or "wow" or simply nod. Change the topic as soon as you can.

For what it is worth, I think he is gaslighting you. He knows exactly what he is doing. If he won't go to therapy, have you considered it for just yourself?

Yesterdays's picture

I simply said it doesn't matter about BM once SD graduates you don't owe BM an explanation or money anymore concerning SD.  He acted all confused. I said once child support is done legally then you are done with BM for that child. That is the law. Whatever you do for SD is between you and SD and SD can figure stuff out with BM.  I did not raise my voice or come across mean in any way. He said this is why I don't like to tell you because you are getting a temper.                   

Wow. Many things to unpack here. First off, everything you said is true. As a parent of 3 teens about to head to college... Yep. I have the exact same opinion as you. Once they are that age your relationship with the coparent is over and you figure it out between the kids.

Why did he seem confused? To me it seems like he was shocked and saddened that he won't get to continue on some sort of relationship with his ex.....

Also he views your opinion of this is wrong and means you are having a temper... No no no. 

I can tell you from all your posts over the year that your outlook on parenting is very healthy and normal and his dynamic is extremely unhealthy. Your parenting instinct seems more natural. He is not a very good parent. He's gas lighting you so that you feel and believe that YOU are the problem so that you "shut up", thus allowing him to continue his unhealthy parenting and co-parenting agenda. 

RockyRoads's picture

Thanks for saying that what I say think about parent is healthy and normal. But unfortunately I am not the one raising any kids. But after the conversations about those two things . SO used what I said. He didn't tell me about all it but I of course am looking at texts bcause of the work drama.  I don't know why he doesn't tell me when he does something I would like to know. But BM always has the final say so maybe that is why. He told her these things. That SD doesn't need to go to a more expensive school just to go because she can get the same degree at the other college.She is not going for anything extra special or something that will be high paying. He said he can only give a little because he was not able to save over all of these because of child support and all the extras. He said he wa alone for over 8 years with no other help. He told her the money would be going directly to SD and not BM. He then went and opened some account so that he will put the money there and be able to give directly to SD for school. He is not just handing SD money because she is foolish with it. He told BM she must take SS to private batting because she needs to see his attitude and that is SS isn't trying and continues to have this attitude he is done contributing. He also told her that he will not be involved if she lets SS play for a more advanced team then the one he is on. He said that SS is not a good player and it is too much time and money already. He told me he is cutting back on presents this year. I was there when he was texting SS about what he wanted . SS was up in the air. He said he thinks he needs a new bat. SO if you need a new bat that is all you will get and if you need one and don't get it for Chiristmas I won't be getting you one before the season. He also told him before wastes money on a new one he will be asking the batting coach. SO told me he will return the couple of small things he bought if SS wants a bat and that will be all he gets.  He also is not giving SD anything for her birthday until she goes to dinner with him or at least has cake with us to celebrate.  He knows what is right but I also know he can't BM stop her crap.  But again alL this is the stuff I want to know. Him at least trying to put his foot down. Is he embarrassed to let me know that things I say make sense.

Dollbabies's picture

He pays the college directly. There is no reason to not do so. He could handle it a number of ways, like creating an account with the school bookstore she could draw on as needed or paying room and board fees, depending on how much he's contributing. Then you have a record of his contribution and he knows where the $$ is actually going.

I'm assuming BM will not be forthcoming on the FAFSA expected family contribution, scholarships she may receive or contributions from grandparents so he will never know how much she actually needs.

When my kids were doing the college decision thing I knew exactly how much I could contribute which, oddly, was equal to FAFSA. It was also the sticker price to our state university. So if they wanted to go elsewhere they would need to look for scholarships to make up the difference because in no way that I was going to provide assistance to pay for any college that would require them to take out massive loans. As it turned out, they both got whopping scholarships from the colleges they wanted to go to and I ended up paying less than what FAFSA said I could afford. 

RockyRoads's picture

He opened up some kind of account yesterday. He looked into things and now realizes not to give BM anything. She won't tell him what she gets in funds other ways. But SO only has a limited amount he can give.  But it is like everything I say that he considers my temper but is an opinion he is starting to use. But still wants to act like I am always over react.

Winterglow's picture

If his funds are limited then he doesn't need to know how much is being contributed from other sources. 

If he persists in accusing you of having a  temper, ask him what exactly he means by that because you clearly have different definitions. 

Dollbabies's picture

he is finally making some good choices under your tutelage. The only thing I would be concerned about (and that is because I probably scan the future too much) is that he would be able to be guilted into paying off some or all of her student loans once she quits or graduates and so these payments would continue on forever. Poor little SD and all that.

Off topic, but how many bats does SS have, anyway? It seems like he's always getting a new one...

Rags's picture

She hides it from her DH and is petrified that they will get nailed at some point due to a major buyout of her DH's former employee owned company employer.

They got a multiple 6 figure buy out when the company was acquired from a large competitor.

They could have easily payed off her loans with significant dollars left over.  She is all tense that at some point they will get nailed and her lies to her DH will be unveiled.

She pouts, tries to guilt family into giving her money, etc... It took decades but everyone finally ignores her pouty begging bullshit and hides anything of value when she is around.

As for how many bats this kid has, eventually it will be however many it takes to make him as batshit crazy as his BM.

RockyRoads's picture

I am confused why he is using them but then not telling me and also getting pissy with me when I say them. He will not be signing any loans for her so at least he won't be on the hook to pay. It will just be if his emotions get the best of him. I also scan the future (way, way too much) but I have to try to protect me somehow. I have a feeling once she goes to college she will even speak to him less often then now.  If she does this then I don't think he will be as guilted into paying.But that is my outlook.  SS has gotten at least one bat a year , sometimes two, one time he got three.He hasn't stayed with us for almost two years now and I know of 5 bats in our garage.  Remember he can't hit a ball so he blames things and a bat is one of them.I do know that as you get older i guess you do need different bats. I kind of hope though he gets the new bat, because that will be all he gets and at least I don't have to worry about an extra $300 and some dollars being spent at a random time.  

Rags's picture

Re-wrap the bats he does not use and give them to him anytime the topic of another bat crops up.. Why buy a new bat for a kid who can't hit a ball?

The bat does not hit the ball without a kid capable of swinging it effectively.

WTF is this wanting to play baseball but not hitting crap anyway?

Yesterdays's picture

My daughter is wanting to go to school far away (aka has residence fees...) for the same degree she would get in our university town and to me it seems unnecessary and I'm encouraging her not to 

It seems like your partner is oversharing details with bio mom about university? He doesn't need to get into so many trivial details, (if I read that correctly?) 

Your SO can pay the institution directly so you know the money is going directly to the source and make sure it doesn't go to SD or bio mom. 

Rags's picture

I have always found it interesting that parents/adults give major choice authority to people with only part of a brain.

My thought is that kids are not given a choice on where they go to university or what they study beyond a very limited set of options chosen by parents.  Particularly when parents are footing the bill.  It should be about ROI and not fee fees IMHO.

I know, all kinds of minds are blowing and corpses flipping over in their graves is going on with this statement.

I would say "Pick from one of these 4 schools and these 4 majors" If we had a do over on that stage of raising SS.

Schools: The parents.... "Pick the top 4 of the most affordable. Regardless of distance from home. Though a good option near enough for the kid to live at home and commute to keep costs down is always a viable choice.   3 in State public schools, one out of State or Private option."  Tune the choices the spawn are given based on their HS performance, financial status of the parents paying, scholarships, and institution quality. The fact is that the value of a top tier school is in the networking value upon graduation and not necessarily based on the efficacy of the quality of the degree earned compared to the same degree from a more modest institution.

Major: Pick categories of majors that offer the most job market value for the kid. Except in cases where the kid is exceptionally mature, has a proven level of performance in HS, and is exceptionally talented in some other field of study.  I would make the degree menu the kids choice of......

1. STEM  (1. Engineering. 2. Computer Science. 3. Data Science. 4. Mathematics/Physics 5. Technology) I did a BS in Electrical/Electronics Engineering Technology and added an MBA later.  Exactly the same BS my dad did. My brother and I finished Engineering school and business school together. Dad did great in his career. I have done exceptionally well. My career rocket up his butt C-suite baby bro has had a stellar career.  Interestingly, my GPA for both undergrad and B-School was much higher than baby bros. He understands corporate world better than anyone I have ever met. He is a career savant leading organizations and companies.  Pick one.

2. Finance/Accounting (Pick either or both as a dual major) Do them as a BS with the added math and sciences. They can also be done as a BBA. My MBA/CPA bride did a dial major BS in Management and Accounting.

3. Business (*Project Management ($$$), Management, Business Administration, Healthcare Management/Administration). A business degree is broadly marketable across most if not all industries. Project Managment is regularly the most lucrative flavor of Business degree.

4. Nursing.  Make a good living. Work forever.  Move on to grad school for a MSN, an NP cert, or a PA cert or... go on to Med school and be an MD or DO.  With the Silent Gen getting closer to wrapping up and the mass of Boomers progressing into retirement and end of life, it is a highly needed and lucrative career field.

In the case of CODs I think that it is even more imperative that there be tight limitations on where and what they study.  Particularly if the kid is cursed to have lost one or the other side of their parent lottery.

I was the poster case for this reality though I won both parent lotteries. My parents are incredible.  I am fortunate they never agreed to strangle me at the same time though.  I was a HS honor student in a highly structured HS environment.  Even with that I knew I was not ready to navigate the path to a viably employable degree when I was still a teen.  I informed my parents that I wanted to remain at the Military HS and College I had finished HS at to get my Associates degree then go on to Unversity.  Because of my disease I was not able to go the early Army commissioning route via the JC path.  My dad made the choice that since I could not comission that I needed to be at a University.   That is the only mistake my dad has ever clearly stated he has ever made.  That came out during marriage counseling in the last months of my first marriage.  So, off to University I went. In the honors Pre-Med program.  I got in to Princeton on early acceptance but was able to dodge that bullet. Just barely. My mom was enamored with the thought of a Princeton educated MD kid.  The bill would have been insane and even worse considering that it took me until my mid 20s for my full brain to form and for me to make executable decisions to ultimately finish my undergrad at 30.

My kid went the Military enlistment route and is in a Computer Science field. He has completed his ASCS, is plucking away at his BSCS, and is 6.5 years from retirement.  My niece and her DH are both BBAs in Finance and are rocking their careers. My eldest nephew holds a BSCS and his doing exceptionally well. His DW has a BS and an MS in Environmental engineering and my youngest nephew finished his BS in Environmental engineering earlier this year.  He has a notably high paying entry level role with an engineering consulting firm. His SO finished her BS in Bio/Pre-med this year as well. They and all of their animal house room mates graduated together though from various schools within their University.  She is taking a gap year, just slammed the MCATs with a 92nd percentile score and is applying for med schools.

Based on my own experience, starting a company at 21 and selling it at 26,  an 11yr undergrad adventure, grad school, and 30 years of an engineering/management career I think handing a teen with a partially formed brain critical life decisions to make, a pile of money, and a pat on the ass to go forth and prosper without very strict constraints, structure, and guidance is pure insanity and a recipe for disaster for many kids.  Of course many other kids are more than capable and fully ready to launch and make many of their own decisions.

Throw in the often not infrequent short circuit between the gray matter and the gonads (in the case of boys, the short circuit between their brain and their balls) and it is a hormonal, partially formed brain cocktail of spur of the moment crap shoot choices that can return just about any form of idiocy possible. And not infrequently does.

I present myself as an example of what can happen.  Off to University, no structure, more money than I had any business having, and ..... the rest is in part my history.

Pardon

Fortunately once my prefrontal cortex connections finally all formed, I figured it out. Following 7 colleges/universities, 7 different college majors, a failed marriage, and any number of major learning moments along the way.

Though I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Dirol

AI Overview

According to current scientific understanding, the human brain is not considered fully developed until around the mid-to-late 20s, with the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and planning, being one of the last areas to mature fully, usually around age 25. 

Key points about brain development:

Individual variations exist:

While the general timeframe is around mid-20s, individual development can vary slightly.

Development continues through the 20s:

While the brain mostly reaches its adult size by adolescence, the connections and functions within the brain continue to develop well into the mid-20s. 

Prefrontal cortex is key:

The prefrontal cortex, located in the front of the brain, is crucial for complex cognitive functions like planning, impulse control, and decision-making, and is one of the last brain regions to mature. 

Dollbabies's picture

you have to go with your strengths or it's like pounding a square peg into a round hole. One of my kids is talented across the board and chose to follow his passion of videography. He's doing very well, has won three regional Emmy's and is now the assistant director of communications at a federal agency. The other is about as lame as I am in math and would have floundered with the limitations you set on educational choices. But he just had his fifth book published (by a real, true publishing company) and his degree in political science got him an unsolicited job offer from a US congressman to be in charge of communications. So I guess what I'm saying if your kid has a passion it's okay to give them that opportunity to pursue it - but only if they come up with a way to pay for whatever amount above your contribution. I personally think going into heavy debt for college is crazy. 

Rags's picture

Your kids are exactly the kids that I mentioned.

Of course many other kids are more than capable and fully ready to launch and make many of their own decisions.The ones with talent who are going to succeed in areas that require unique or rare talent and qualities.

Kids with quality parents who are engaged in their lives including their adult lives can succeed at just about anything.  Which is what got me thrugh the very long time and journey it took me to find my bliss. I could not have the career that I wanted.  One I was medically DQd from pursuing.  I have no regrets, I adjusted, figured out who I am, and created a career that I enjoy. Though I will never claim to be an adult. 

Wink

Some who are exceptional can succeed by grit, brilliance, and dedication. I am blessed to spend my life with one.  Your kids are among the exceptional. 

 

Your kids are blessed to have  you.

Dollbabies's picture

very nice of you to say. 

Yesterdays's picture

My thought is that kids are not given a choice on where they go to university

This is all great in theory and much easier achieved when the parents are married and on the same page. However my ex husband is encouraging the farther school and even drove her there. He also has unlimited funds.

I don't have as much funds. So if she decides to go to the more expensive school either my ex or my daughter is going to have to pay for the additional costs such as residence fees and meal plans. (it's over $15,000 per year for residence  and I have 3 teens) 

RockyRoads's picture

My SO has zero say in his own children's lives.BM does whatever the kids want. These kids have always made the decisions. Whatever school SD wants will be the one she gets. Even if it is not logical. SO can tell BM his opinions and it doesn't matter. He has said  things the last few days to her but he can't stop her. All he can do is choose how he reacts to what is decided. And based on the past he goes along with it as best he can because of how he is holding on for dear life to his children. He barely has anything left with them. If they were still together raising the kids as one unit. I am sure that it would be different and they would be agreeing. But when you want to be your kids favorite it gets messy and nasty.

Rags's picture

He needs to grow a spine and make it clear to his X and his kids that he will not pay beyond the bounds that he and he alone sets.  Or per the CO, whichever is less.

Once the kids age our, he should have zero contact with his X and make all discussions between he and his kids or the two you you and his kids. Their conversations with their BM is between them and the BM but the kids need to know that anything decided between the no longer under the CO kid and their BM has nothing to do with dad.

Lather.... rinse..... repeat.

Blessedly I had no kids with my XW. Though she had it in her mind that once we divorced we could date each other and "when you are in town we can even sleep together".  I laughed in her face.  When we left the courtroom after the Judge issued the divorce decree we walked downstairs together. I held the door for her, then we walked to the curb and I kept on walking. She reached for my shoulder and I walked across the street, got into my truck and drove away without a word.  For those who have kids with an X, that watershed event is the day the CO expires.  From that point on, the X is completely irrelevant and has no place in the life of the person who has moved on.  Kids need clarity that no more will there be a relationship fo any kind between mom and dad if they cannot be reasonable for each other.  Usually, one is the source of the unreasonable behavior.  The kid needs to know that the reasonable parent no longer owes the unreasonable parent a thing and will be dealt with in accordance with the behavior of the unreasonable X.

We did not do nasty and we didn't tolerate it either. What we did was set and enforce boundaries.

 

Rags's picture

The challenges in a stable life are more than enough. The added COD drama and manipulations of a high conflict X or one who undermines you makes it all that much more challenging.

You have three teens. That in many ways defines what you can do to support each of them with school.  I suggest that you nail your X to the tuition and fees wall by his tender bits and make sure that your college aged teen knows that daddy is going to cover the costs above your local option contribution.

No quarter for the X who pulls this kind of shit. Make sure he does not stick your/his DD with the costs of his manipulative crap.  She needs the facts. Bare his ass.

IMHO of course.

Yesterdays's picture

I simply said it doesn't matter about BM once SD graduates you don't owe BM an explanation or money anymore concerning SD. 

This is MOST what I'm looking forward to... Not having to deal with my ex any longer! In fact I'm already trying to achieve this. I text the kids only and figure out stuff with them directly. 

Yahoo

RockyRoads's picture

I bet that is such a nice feeling.  He has pretty much been only in contact with the kids about things. I know that it will pick up some with her because if this college and baseball stuff. I just think he was confused how to get SD money without going through BM if BM is basically in charge of it all .  But he is figuring it out. 

Dollbabies's picture

had a screwed up relationship with our kids before the divorce because he was always trying to assert his authority over things that were just stupid, because he is a bully and a control freak. 

Even after the divorce he kept emailing me to tell them to call him because they didn't respond to his messages. I ran interference between them while we were married so he didn't completely ruin his relationship with him but I was damned if I was going to do it when we didn't even live together. I just kept blowing him off and he eventually got the message but it took a couple years to get to that point.

He was a slow learner. 

RockyRoads's picture

My SO will try to bring it up to BM but I am sure she is thru trying to tell the kids anything. I mean I am sure she is not like you. But why would she insert herself. She is getting exactly what she wants. The kids like her more, they don't want to be around my SO, she gets all child support plus more, and SO runs SS everywhere. Slow learner like your ex for sure. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Is it me, or did this guy somehow divert the attention away from the main reason OP posted. His crying about the skids and OP's temper completely overshadowed his being caught in a lie about his coworker. 

RockyRoads's picture

He was probably trying to divert. I have not let it slide.  We are still working on that also. He has apologized a lot and says he knows it was wrong . He actually had her on speaker phone when we were both at home working. He didn't know I could hear. It sounded only like work. It wasn't even anything like how are you, hope your day is good.  It was just work. I have told him no matter what he thinks is my "temper " I must be told things especially when I was asking. It was not just omitting. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You tell him you know he is lying about his coworker and you show him proof. He says it's because of your temper. A short while later, he brings up several other issues that he knows upset you even more. You get upset, which he knows will happen because you've gotten upset about these issues for years. He produces tears and then says "SEE! This is why i have to lie!" 

Dollbabies's picture

You're right. I hadn't connected the dots...

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Can DH just tell SD and BM that can contribute x amount towards college? If she chooses the more expensive school, she will have to make up the difference.

The next time you give your opinion and he accuses you of losing your temper, show him what loosing your temper really entails! Once he experiences your real temper, maybe he will figure out that it very different from simply stating your opinion.