General Disgust
So I spent Thanksgiving with DH large family of many siblings and their kids and grandkids. I shared with you all earlier that my DH and I felt like third wheels. For many reasons and many related to our divorces, we have many kids between us but are alone for the past year or so on the holidays. Not so bad.
I was not prepared for hearing one of my brother in laws use the n word at the dinner table. This after they had to say prayers. Lol. My DH was the only one to comment, saying too kindly that it was inappropriate. Then one of BIL sons says he agrees with his father. I said nothing. I'm still processing it days later. I must say that the son has always been very nice toward me.
And here I've been faulting DH's kids for not spending holidays with DH. Maybe they know more about DH's family? I don't know. One of friends is black and years before had shared how hurtful it was when she was crossing the street with her child in a push cart snd called that vile word from a passing motorist. I should have shared that.
I'm going to enjoy a quiet Christmas with one or two of my kids and DH. The world is pretty ugly these days and yes I need to avoid painting with broad brush.
I can't avoid seeing his extended family but boy I sure would like to.
Hugs
So grateful I was raised by a precious woman who respected all. I grew up in the Deep South and at age 62, can say I saw plenty of racism. BUT my sweet mom taught her children to love people based on actions, not skin color.
You are smart to stay away for Christmas. Let those nasty folks enjoy each other. You don't fit in. Hugs again.
A quiet Christmas does sound
A quiet Christmas does sound in order. I can't stomach the behavior you witnessed.
Quiet Christmas again
DIL just informed my daughter that the only time they are available for the three of us (my DH, myself and adult daughter who lives with us) to visit is the weekend after CHRISTMAS. That is only time they are free. Eye rolling. She and my son moved away about 3 yrs ago, 4 hr car ride. Her mother followed and bought a home in their same town this year. I have to add that several years in a row, DIL' mother and grandma were invited to our home for Christmas. My ex had them all for thanksgivings. He btw had to visit the weekend before thanksgiving as we have been informed basically that my son will now be spending all holidays at his MIL. AND the implication is that we all will not be invited. Very disappointing as their child is only a few months old and the implication is becoming clear to me that we are the extras. I have to say over the years I always always made sure my parents were not alone and even other relatives, including my DIL's mother. I feel like the holidays have just imploded for me. And yes the racist in laws would welcome me and my DH. Too much to take in. But no just me and DH. the new holidays for us.
My mother, widowed in her
My mother, widowed in her second marriage, was treated this way by my brother and his wife. Sister-in-law's family always came first, which was weird because her mother and stepfather were (and still are) demanding, intruding, using fools. My sister in law was totally brainwashed/indebted to her mother and my brother went along with it to keep the peace. Needless to say, there was tension between them and me back then.
In their case, which might be similar to what you're seeing, the mother-daughter relationship was so enmeshed that no one else had a chance. Mommy demanded. Daughter jumped. In our case, sister in law finally saw the light.
Sounds familiar.
I am planning a quiet lovely meal for Xmas eve and Christmas for TWO. Any recommendations? Im thinking of a small beef Wellington.
Tarte tatin for dessert.
Tarte tatin for dessert.
I would be so in their faces present, invited of not, that they
I would be so in their faces present, invited of not, that they all rue the day. My kids home, I am there. They would have to sculk away to the DIL's family's homes or off to some extremely remote get away to avoid me that it would take a ton of money and planning for them to succeed.
My IL's accepted this crap from two of their local spawn. BIL1 and his family spend every holiday with his Bovine Bride's family. His MIL is batshit crazy. The first time I met the woman was when BIL1 and his then no yet Bovine Bride took my DW and I to meet her at her job at Walmart. I reached out my hand to shake hers and she grabbed my hand and licked my arm. My DW, SS, and I just kind of stood there in shock trying not to barf on her Walmart vest. She started laughing as did my BIL1 and the future Bovine Bride. They had set it up because they thought I had a great sense of humor. I wiped my slobber covered arm on my jeans and firmly informed them all that there was nothing funny about what she did, about her, or any of them and that they were nasty and juvenile. Yep, that pretty much structured the future of the interface with BIL1, his Bovine Bride, and blessedly the rare times when the slobbering MIL crawls out from under her rock.
SIL and their kids also spend every holiday with her ILs. Her DH's dad is a nice guy. His mother is even more batshit crazy than BIL1's MIL. A shut in, who warped SIL's kids so bad that they were nasty, rude, crybaby spawn as younger kids. SIL and her DH were so broke that SIL's MIL raised their kids in her home under the umbrella of providing "day dare" until the kids were old enough to let themselves in the house and be home for a couple of hours until SIL or her DH got home from work.
My ILs do their holiday celebrations on the Sat closest to whatever holiday is in play. When we travel to SpermLand for the holidays with my IL clan, we do not play the bullshit not on the actual holiday games. The holiday is on the holiday and if my DW's three younger sibs and their spawn want to play ball, they attend. So far, they do. THough BIL1's ILs lose their pea sized minds over it. SIL's IL's try but SIL's DH will put his foot up their asses and remind them that they get every holiday and they need to STFU and not be a PITA about a rare holiday spent with my ILs.
My family is the opposite. They recognize that kids grow up and have families of their own, IL relationships of their own, and lives of their own. So, my brother and I have always taken the periodic rotation of the holidays route where we go to mom and dad's for some of the holidays and we go to our ILs for others. We do not do the every other holiday flip flop thing. We just communicate ahead of time and do what makes sense with our international living demands, work, kids activities, and each IL sides availability.
If our kid tried the "we spend every holiday with my ILs" bullshit everyone but us would rue the day. We would have fun being the PITA zero tolerace for any form of stupidity half of the IL picture showing up happy, radiant, bearing gifts, and making it clear that anyone being an asshole would live the consequences of their choices.
Deleted duplicate.
Deleted duplicate.
I should add
That I've sent 3 boxes of clothes and gifts for the baby but never got a thank you. I did text my son to ask if they received the first one and got a thanks you we loved it. But nothing since. I'm really dismayed.
I would not be disrespected.
I would rather sit [ or do our family Christmas] at home. Then go somewhere / with IL and be disrespected. Pick some movies to watch. Buy some expensive food that you like. And enjoy the peaceful day. I always buy some expensive foods to eat on Christmas. Or order food from a restaurant. The day before.
Alone is new normal now
I do like that the pressure is off now. For years I had family over for Christmas and Xmas eve. Big feasts and now at my age I have a hard time standing all day in the kitchen. It will be nice in that way. I'm going to make all the rich and expensive foods I've avoided all year.
This...
...sounds like a good solution! I am sorry for the hurt that has caused you to be in this position, however it sounds as if you are making the best of the situation you find yourself in.
I, too, would love to have a nice dinner for DH and myself. We could prepare it together, set the table with china and candlelight, get dressed up, and enjoy a lovely night...just the two of us!
I am actually working part of the holiday (my choice) so I will not be attending festivities with the in-laws. Yes, I am shaking my own head at what one will do to avoid uncomfortable situations in which we are not really welcome. Even though they want to hug one and make nice. It's not for me...it just feels yucky.
Husband is of a different race
And hes the one who feels left out at my family, while Im the one in the corner with his family, however, I dont want him to miss out on family time.
His family always has these big gatherings, and typically do an Eve, however this year they want to do it on The Day.
I am going with the flowing.
Husband is of a different race
But no one really cares...we are more progressive I guess, in California, goes with the high cost of living here.
No one really cares. As it should be.
I have never cared. I was raised internationally so diversity was never a concept to be considered. It was life.
Human behavior is what matters IMHO. Not the demographics of the human choosing the behavior.
My OSS
Uses that horrid word as well. My beautiful DIL happens to be black. And the idiot wonders why none of us want to be around him.