Was getting married a terrible idea!?
Wow, I am so glad I found this forum!!
I recently married my partner of 5 years, and I am starting to wonder if it was a good idea – mainly due to my 10 year old step daughter. Issues started to arise before the wedding, but I went ahead with it anyway.. now I am starting to question if that was smart..
Basically, by step daughter can do no wrong by her mother, and as she has gotten older this has only made her more and more entitled. She is a lovely girl a lot of the time, but as soon as something doesn’t go her way or as she expected, she complains back to her Mum about it and then we get in trouble. Its usually about me, and over very trivial things.. for example (for context), it might be that I didn’t let her sit in the front seat in the car, or let her have seconds for dessert.. or something minor like that.
She whinges to her Mum and then I get in trouble for
upsetting her. Oh. My. God.
This has really only started happening within the last year, and seems to be getting worse as she gets the reaction from her Mum that she wants.
Its not only the whinging to her Mum, it’s the way she glares and sulks when she doesn’t get her own way. I am really affected by others peoples energies, so this I struggle with.
PLEASE tell me what I am supposed to do about this!! Was getting married a terrible idea!? I really don’t want to come between my husband and his daughter, but also don’t want to spend my life walking on eggshells and watching what I say so as not to upset her.
I am desperate for some advice on this one!!!
Don't start caving. A 10-year
Don't start caving. A 10-year-old does not need to sit in the front seat with Daddy while his wife sits in back. A 10-year-old does not need unlimited dessert. When you let the child run the house to the point that you are being disrespected, you really have made a mistake.
You don't mention your husband's role in all this. When Princess doesn't get to kick you out of the front seat, is it YOU who has to defend your place? Is it YOU who has to tell her she can't have a 4th ice cream cone? If so, that's the problem. If it's your DH who is parenting like he should and you just happen to be there, who cares what his ex says or thinks? If he applies appropriate consequences for sulking or glaring or backtalk that turns to disrespect, let him handle it.
It's when the DH is lacking that SMs usually have issues with SDs.
Right on
This is totally accurate. I went thru similar with my then 10-yo SD. It was worse after we married, like you are experiencing. The reasons are jealousy and to get the desired reaction from BM. Regardless, Dad should be responding promptly
Difficulties in step life
Difficulties in step life often ramp up around big life events like engagements, weddings, births etc. Countless SMs that had no problems while they were "just the gf" find a switch flips when they marry, and it's often the BM creating the strife. Even if the split was far in the past or BM has had multiple new partners, some women can't stand to see their ex move on.
Change can be hard for skids, especially when BM is dripping poison into their ears. Sometimes they feel they must complete to be number one with their parents. It's essential these behaviors be dealt with consistently by the bio parent, and that they be on the same page with their partners.
I suggest you get the book Divorce Poison & read it TOGETHER. And consider family counseling (dad, SD, SM). That's how you combat dilited parenting and BM's venom.
These stories always sadden me, because they're really about kids who are growing up feeling insecure and lacking stability. Kids deserve to have the reassurance of a firm family hierarchy, knowing where they fit in (um, BELOW the adults), and to have parents that love them enough to correct them.
Extra info
Thank you for your comments!
Her Dad often pulls her up (maybe around 60-70% of what's needed) which she handles like the angel she is "ok Dad.. sorry Dad". Its when I make a call, that she sulks and gets on her iPad to message her Mum. She is quite clever though and usually only sulks and glares when her Dad can't see her.
I've started disengaging because I can do 10 things right and she's all happy, then I do one thing 'wrong' and bam.. she sulks and complains, and I am sick of it, so I just stop interacting with her altogether, but this doesn't seem healthy, or even mature of me. I'm just so sick of the complaints
But it is healthy and mature.
But it is healthy and mature. It's called disengaging and many stepparents have done it for that reason. I had to do it with my SO's youngest a few years ago. He would behave terribly when it was just me, but my SO could get him to behave. It was so bad it was a safety issue. So i stopped being responsible for him when my SO wasn't around. After about 5 years, he has matured and his behavior has improved. I'm selectively re-engaging.
If she's using the iPad
If she's using the iPad immediately after stuff and texting her mom I'd take her iPad away and have a discussion. (her dad should be the one to do this
Yes, disengage
Leave all discipline to your DH. I'm speaking as a former stepchild and then later, stepmother..
You can't "get in trouble"
You can't "get in trouble" with BM if you don't give a sh*t about what that harpy thinks.
If she's texting you, block her. She can text your husband and he can relay it to you. You do not need to interact with her and you can lay down the law with your spouse. It needs to be 100% his problem.
In A. Healthy relationships
Every one has there place. Husband and wife sit in front of a car together. Kids sit in back. If SD wants to play the control game. She control the home .. going to BM for help in her endeavor.
'You set the rules...you are in control... SD has a place as the child. You are the adult...
'BM does not control your home. Or your child raising system... You married a man with a child. You knew certain things have to happen because of this.. but no one wants a outsider. BM to have any say in my home. P once you establish the house rules things fall into place.
If you haven't already done
If you haven't already done so, please block BM's number and block her on all social media. She doesn't need to have access to you. Don't let her near you in any way.
I wouldn't even let your
I wouldn't even let your partner mention what she says about you... Why? Doesn't matter. Who cares what she thinks.