He filed for divorce, and I am desperate for advice.
My husband filed for divorce after 6 years with his main reason being that "I fight with him too much" and he thinks I will never stop. Yes, we did fight, but I was trying to communicate with him about very serious issues.
The problem is now my mind is bombarded with "what if it's all my fault" thoughts and it is throwing me into a deep depression and giving me awful anxiety. I would very much appreciate some honest feedback. These are the issues I would argue with him about...
1. emotional enmeshment with his miniwife daughter.... I was an outsider, my daughter was an outsider. They were always in their little couple bubble. They made dinner together, they cleaned together, they made all their plans together, they spent all their time together, I was always an afterthought. They even insisted on a private vacation together this summer. He treated her with more respect and more like an adult, and he treated me as if I was the child. This started on our honeymoon and continued until she moved out to college two months ago. Every time I would try to talk to him about it, he would tell me that there was something wrong with me if I felt jealous about his daughter. Even after I showed him articles about what parental enmeshment is and how bad it can be, he would either deny it, or tell me that I had to be the one to talk to his daughter about it if I wanted it to change. I was always the third wheel. He would make teeny tiny, small little bitty changes here and there, but he did it very begrudgingly, and I could tell he was upset about it.
2. Extreme insults and criticism about my daughter... His main complaint about her for the first four years was that she was lazy and didn't do any chores, but that was not true at all, she would do chores if you told her to. But because his daughter was always up his butt, his daughter would help him with whatever he was doing to get his attention. My daughter was not like that. She was very independent, but she would do chores if you asked her to. It was like my husband wanted everybody in the house to follow him around and kiss his butt and be his helpmate like his daughter acted towards him. and if we didn't, then we were just lazy good for nothing. I would like to add that my daughter has been working the same job since she's been 15 years old and has been promoted twice, she did amazing in school, and is enrolled in college. My daughter never got into any trouble. So she started to date a boy of a different race about a year and a half ago. That's when things got really bad because my husband had a huge problem with it. At that time he then began to say horrible things about my daughter. He would put her down, say that she was going to end up pregnant by the boy, and told me that he was embarrassed by it. He said that he didn't want any of the neighbors to know or any of his friends. And he was very angry with me for not putting a stop to it. I think his attitude is so wrong and ridiculous, he's a wonderful boyfriend to my daughter, and a good person! Like who does my husband think he is that he can just be so judgmental?!! I begged him to stop saying bad things about my daughter, but he would continue.
3. He is very critical of me... has basically been complaining since the beginning that I don't keep the house clean enough. Then about a year ago, I went through a period of unemployment for about six months. Even though I worked all the rest of the time of our marriage, he started to call me a lazy moocher. He started to say that my daughter and I were milking him for everything he has. He was furious with me about not working even though he makes $200,000 a year and we didn't need the money at all. And my daughter got child support from her dad which was more than enough to pay her expenses! I was not working because I was trying to find a different career and get out of teaching because teaching is extremely stressful. He accused me of being a lazy bum who just does not want to work. Even after I went back to work, he still complained about the period that I wasn't working. The funny thing about it is that I work about 50 hours a week versus him working about 20 hours a week. He does make good money but he doesn't have to work very many hours.
4. Passive aggressive comments... He makes them to me all the time often out in public. When I confront him about it, and ask him why he said mean things about me in front of other people, it turns into an argument. He always says it was just a joke, and I don't know how to take a joke.
5. Never seemed satisfied... no matter which job I had, or how clean the house was, he seemed to always find something else to complain about. He was also critical of my weight during our marriage, even though I'm only about 20 pounds heavier than I was when we got married. It's even funnier too because he is also overweight and out of shape with a Buddha belly. I don't understand how someone could be so critical of someone else's appearance, especially when they aren't physically fit either. I never ever said anything negative about the way he looks. I would never do that to anyone.
Again, I would really appreciate feedback. I'm going through a very difficult time. My family says that I'm better off, but I keep thinking...maybe this is all my fault.
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Comments
Not your fault
Your family is right. You're much better off without him. Go find an aggressive divorce lawyer. You will be fine. This guy is a jerk.
Thank you
It's hard because I know I was the main person to initiate these discussions, which turned into arguments. But in my opinion, these were major problems that needed to be Corrected.
This crap started when you
This crap started when you were on your HONEYMOON???!! FOR REAL?!
You're better off without this jerk. I think you've gone above and beyond. Enjoy your new found freedom
I've heard it said that women will only achieve true equality when we can walk down the street, balding, and with a massive beer gut and think we're irresistible.
Yes, we got married on a cruise ship and the kids were with us.
He spent all his time with his kids. Actually got upset with me because I asked for one day alone with him. I felt blindsided.
That is breathtakingly rude,
That is breathtakingly rude, inconsiderate, unromantic, how can anyone imagine that their honeymoon is a family trip and that their new bride is of no importance? I am outraged for you! Walk away with a skip in your step. He deserves to be alone.
Yes our whole family was there.
My parents and his and our siblings. I was fine with everybody being there, I just wanted a day or two alone with him. He actually told me that this was him and his kids vacation. That is not why we went on the cruise. We went on the cruise to get married and invited everyone to come with us. And the kids were all teenagers at that point, and they had the rest of their family to spend time with. There was no reason for him to be up his kids butts like that.
Thet is such a whopping red
Thet is such a whopping red flag! Your honeymoon was his and his kids vacation!? I just can't...
I've heard it said that women
This is so true!!! I was so offended years ago when I had two much older, unattractive and blech neighbors interested in me. A friend said, "Don't take it personally; they look in the mirror and see Clint Eastwood." *ROFL*
None of this is your fault. No matter what you will ever do it
None of this is your fault. No matter what you will ever do it will never be good enough for him. You are married to a controlling, abusive, racist, jerk and the sooner you are rid of him the better. Here is where to start first thing on Monday.
Call the 3 best divorce attorneys in town and make consultation appointments with all of them. Pick the one you feel the best about.
Find yourself a therapist to help you through this.
Take a good look at your finances and start protecting yourself. Make sure you have all your important documents in a safe place. You can't clear out accounts, but you can take half of any joint accounts. Set up a new bank account at a different bank and start direct depositing your paychecks there.
Get your own cell plan - if you have a joint one he will have access your phone records.
This guy is going to be difficult through the divorce process and you need to start protecting yourself now. Get a lawyer right away and start looking out for yourself.
I have an appointment with one on Wednesday!
I know he's going to fight me though. He will probably be required to pay a hefty spousal support payment, and it's going to make him mad.
as far as the finances go, he split them already behind my back
Above all, do not make any
Above all, do not make any concessions,to him in the name of being nice. Squeeze him for every drop of what is rightfully yours. Don't forget to go after him for compensation for all you've bee through.
Please tell anyone,who asks
Please tell anyone,who asks you about your divorce EXACTLY why you are getting divorced, that he couldn't even go on your honeymoon without his kids, that you never had your place in your marital home, etc. Usually, I don't believe in revenge (I believe in karma) but this guy deserves to have his arse handed to him PUBLICLY. Tell the truth but make sure you don't come across as petty - wouldn't want him to look like the victim now, would we?
Aniki, how about that posse?
Damn straight, Winterglow!
Damn straight, Winterglow!
In fact, I suggest that Ani bring both the Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch and the Flaming Dragon Claw Crotch Kicker! I’m ready when you are.
Aniki is ready to ride.
Aniki is ready to ride. *diablo*
All RIGHT!
All RIGHT!
Looks like Mr. slkastep had best strap on a solid steel jockstrap and find a place to hide, 'eh girls?
What I don’t get is
Why do you want to be with this losser. He putting his MWD first. You maybe second. Where does the dog fit in. Why do yiu need him. He with yiu because min wife can't give him sex. Let him leave. Take him to the cleaners. You are better with out him
Good riddance to him.
Good riddance to him.
Oh, HON!
Oh, HON!
After reading your previous posts, I’m amazed that you’re shouldering any culpability, on your part, for the collapse of your marriage! Clearly, you’ve become so beaten down from the abuse that you’ve endured from your, hopefully, soon-to-be-ex-husband, that you’ve lost sight of what every woman should expect from her partner.
Rather than being sad and blaming yourself, you should be furious and taking steps to protect your interests. A man who treats his wife the way your a$$hole of a husband has treated you, will make every attempt to destroy you in a divorce.
Your self-esteem has taken a beating; the first thing you need to do (after taking notsurehowtodeal’s advice and lawyering-up) is make an appointment with a therapist to be reminded that you are not the bad guy and that you deserve much, much better than this awful man. Ugh, I am so angry for you!
There are many similarities between your description of your husband and my first, disastrous mate, a malignant narcissistic psychopath whose abuse resulted in a suicide attempt that nearly killed me. My now husband is one of the finest, dearest men that I’ve ever met and I love him dearly. Hon, you have to get tough and fight for yourself! I suggest that you read the posts by StepUltimate and a few others who found peace and happiness after divorce from abusive men.
All the best to you and please stay with us!
Yes my self esteem is in the gutter!
I explained that to him, hoping he would stop criticizing me, and making me feel less than.
I'm so sorry about what you went through! I'm glad you're with someone who really loves you now!
NOT your fault. {{{HUGS}}}
NOT your fault. {{{HUGS}}}
It is usually painful when a relationship ends and I'm sorry you're hurting. But the bottom line is that this "man" is no prize. He has been gaslighting and mentally abusing you the entire time. I'd like to plant my size 9 Harley boot square on his talebone for all of the bs he has been feeding you and a second boot plant for his horrible prejudice towards your daughter's boyfriend.
Consider yourself blessed that this is coming to an end and that you don't share children with him.
Please be gentle with yourself. If you think therapy will help, find someone to work with you.
Thank you for your kind words!
And I'd like to see a boot up his ass, too! He even filed while we were seeing a marriage counselor and did it all behind my back. Our counselor told him that he needed to stop saying hurtful things about my child to me. He told him, "that's her kid, man. You saying bad things about her child is like stabbing her in the heart!"
I thought once he heard a male counselor (cause I think he's a little chauvinistic) would make him see his role in the state of things, but it's like as soon as the counselor told him he was doing wrong, he decided to file for divorce rather than fix his behavior! Makes me feel like he never loved me.
Wow. If the counselor is a
Wow. If the counselor is a good fit for you, make another appointment. This is someone already familiar with what's going on, making it somewhat easier.
A little chauvinistic? I'm thinking a LOT...
A little chauvinistic? Back in the day we would have called him
A little chauvinistic? Back in the day we would have called him a "male chauvinist pig" - as I said above he is all that and a racist too.
The marriage needed
to end. This guy is a complete piece of shite and treats you like crap. It would have been less painful if you had left him but in the end you're rid of him. My ex (and father of my kids) was a total jerk who I stayed with because I didn't want to split custody with someone who bullied them. We had a kinda/sorta agreement that we would discuss divorce when our youngest graduated from high school. Well, I woke up one morning t find letters on the kitchen table telling us that he was leaving basically because nobody did what he said. And yes, I'm serious.
It was a shock - I was going to school at the time so no job. But VERY quickly I realized how lucky I was to have gotten rid of him three years earlier than planned. I got a job that I loved and came home to a tranquil home every evening. Nobody raining on my parade, taking the joy out of everything.
I think this will happen to you, too. The life you describe with him could have brought you little joy. Sometimes you really can't see how bad a relationship is, how awful your life is, until it ends. I didn't have as much money as he had a fantastic job with amazing benefits but it didn't matter. Just being rid of him was payment enough.
This next little while we be hard, of course. Just try and do the split as quickly as you can. You don't have children together, thank god, so goodbye can really be final. You will NEVER have to hear from or see him again and THAT is something to celebrate!
OMG! I can’t believe his reasoning to end your marriage!
I feel like that is how my husband is...everyone must do what HE wants. That's why he loves his daughter so much because she goes along with every single thing he says and agrees with everything he says, or pretends to anyways.
I also just enrolled in online college to get a second degree in accounting ( I don't want to teach anymore) , but now I can't go. That was part of his reason for divorcing me...he says I'm too old to change careers...I'm 47! And he says he's not going to pay for it.
I'm glad you're in a happier place!
Thank Him
You've been given a Pass. Trust me...you do NOT want to do life with this dude. Leave him to his Mini Wife. Get yourself a great attorney....get ALL you can...and move on. Note: I'm not a person to tell another woman to "get all you can" as even myself was fair in my divorce. BUT in your situation....I strongly feel your DH married you simply for a babysitter and sex. There is something really off with this guy. Grab your freedom and run.
Same here
That's why I suggested she go after compensation for all his crap.
How dare you speak up for
How dare you speak up for yourself and not be a doormat, which is exactly what this ahole wants. It may not feel like it, but he's doing you a favor. Yes, get a pit bull attorney, see a counselor for your own mental health, and rebuild your life into one you deserve! It won't be easy but it will be worth it. God help his next victim.
Hang in there. Keep reaching out for help. You are not alone.
You've been in an abusive
You've been in an abusive relationship. Get yourself into counseling with a therapist that understands recovery from abuse. I am glad you don't have children with this a*hole. Be prepared for him to get nasty and educate yourself on divorce from a high-conflict individual. He will probably be as hurtful and toxic as he can be.
I bet you are a catch. You sound amazing. Take some time to get reaquainted with yourself but after that, when you are ready, you won't have a problem finding someone MUCH better than this racist loser. Your daughter will be better off too. You can have a new career. Maybe not right now but maybe next year after you get through this situation. I hope you can get through this with no regrets as soon as possible.
How soon can you move out?
How soon can you move out? Once you're out and have seen your lawyer, block him entirely and have all communication go through your lawyer. Make it as easy on you as possible.
I imagine
That you "fight" with him because he hasn't yet been able to listen to you, so the fight keeps resurfacing. I imagine that you don't "fight", you probably try to communicate and that ends up in an argument, because he doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
It seems to me that the only way for you to be in a peaceful relationship with this person is to shut up, lower your bar and take it. I don't know that you will find happiness there though.
I wouldn't fight him on the divorce. He's not going to run into many women of quality who will find this situation or personhood to be pleasant.
Be kind
My only advice is be kind to you.
Im in camp GTFO and go as no contact as you can.
((hugs))
Best advise is this: What
Best advise is this: What ever you do, DO NOT allow your lawyer to play on your emotions and encourage endless drama in your case. It's very costly. Generally all that drama between HIS lawyer, YOUR lawyer is just billable hours. Every email, every call every document you forward, means money out of your pocket.
Ask what your rights are and sign the darn papers. March forward and do not look back.
((HUGS))
He filed for divorce.....cool
He filed for divorce.....cool - "leave his a$$ and leave with half"
no need to get mad
Read your post.. and pretend
Read your post.. and pretend it's your friend asking for advice. Clearly this guy was no prize. Hopefully you can move on and show your daughter that not accepting an unhealthy relationship is smart. Instead of being depressed, you should be elated. Get a great lawyer.. make sure you get what you are entitled to.
Embrace your freedom by
Embrace your freedom by escaping this racist, misogynistic pig!
Agree with all of the above.
Agree with all of the above. The trash is taking itself out for you.
Another vote
For getting an attorney stat. Get as many free consultations that you can so that none of them can be HIS attorney! Then get to a counselor or at the very least self help books on why we (I include myself) pick these dumpster fires. You sound like a nice person but a "fixer" which never works out.