Advise-I don’t want to celebrate SS
I have been working really hard at, I guess, disengaging. I have told SO at this point I don't want anything to do with his kids. I have stopped going to sporting events, I don't ask about them , etc. I have shut him down when he starts to bring them up and I say all I want to know about them is when you ,SO, won't be home because of SKs so I can plan my days. He is definitely upset about this. Kids don't stay with us so it really isn't that hard as long as SO keeps his pie hole shut about them. But I am sure SO had been begging SS to come down and hit balls in the garage for practice. SS came down yesterday I just did my own thing and avoided him. But before SS left SO called for me while SS was beside him in The house and said we will be having SS birthday on And said the date. It isn't like a party, it is giving the kid something and buying him cupcakes he won't eat. But anyway I don't want to be here. How do I not be here when I know it will really, really bother SO. I thought we were getting out of it because SS leaves for vacation but I guess SO has to squeeze it in. Just more kissing SS butt.
- RockyRoads's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He's well aware of your
He's well aware of your boundaries so if he decides to flout them, it's on him. He knows,you want nothing to do with his kids so he should know you might not be there. Announcing what he did in front of the kid was a pathetic attempt at manipulating you. It's all on him.
I think you should restate
I think you should restate your boundary to your dense SO. After which you can make plans for that time. It wouldn't surprise me if SS ended up being too busy to come or didn't stay long. Regardless... I would leave the house. And he definitely should not have said that in front of SS. I would tell SO that in the future he better not bring up joint events in front of you to SS.
"So to be clear- YOU will. be
"So to be clear- YOU will be having SS over on (date) to celebrate his birthday?" When he confirms say 'great' i'll be (insert place). LMK when you wrap up and I'll be back (if he stays the night- get a nice ass hotel and live life!)
If he tries to give you shit remind him he's not your son- and that you have nothing to do with him.
Don't pick up the cupcakes, the gift, the card, NOTHING, Make this man deal with his disaster SOLO.
He is definitely upset about
His ego is bruised bc you don't want to spend every waking moment around him and his extensions
However your disdain for them was most likely caused by their negative behavior that your SO refused to correct.
If you shun the kids milestone day just be prepared for a possible nuclear war with your dude afterwards ... yeah it was messed up he tried to hold you accountable in front of the kid but .... now you have to roll with what has been handed to you
If I were you, I'd play him at his game ... "kill" them with kindness and do the opposite of what he's expecting you to do (insert evil grin here lol) ... dress up really nicely, grab his credit card, wave it around in his face so he understands he's paying, then seductively wisper in his ear "do you need anything for the party?" while rubbing on his upper thigh ... If he says yes then hire an inexpensive assistant to do all the work so you don't have to do anything but oversee.
On the day of the party spruce up really good, put his credit card in your cleavage and bend over in front of him and let him see you still have it so he knows he's still paying for whatever is coming next.
Wisper in his ear that you have a surprise for him immediately after the party.
Book a couples massage and if he acts right all day then you can make a cameo at the party and take him with you after the party but if he acts up then leave/cancel the couples massage and make it a single and tell him *insert androgynous name here* - so he thinks it might be a man - will be servicing you at the spa lol. Spend at least double on yourself over what he's spent on ss birthday .....
Dont get mad (like he's expecting you to do) ---~> get compensated / get paid!!!
***this is what I would do but obviously I don't want to recommend doing anything beyond your comfort (not sure if your SO has pissed you off beyond the point of no return) or anything that would destroy your relationship further (as I don't know your entire backstory) so take what I say with a grain of salt / for entertainment
He's Pushing Boundaries
Your SO, that is. You have clearly communicated you want nothing to do with his kids. Rightfully so. I'd make plans for the day. And says, Oops, I forgot I had something planned with X. Enjoy your party. And then stick to your guns.
Disengaging is hard to be accepted after one has given so much over the years but it is a technique we SMs simply must put into action to save our mental health. And it can be done. I have not seen DHs kids in 6+ years. He sees them away from our home. When he does speak of them, I always have a polite but simple reply. "that's nice. Oh, good to hear. Great news. etc." I'm sure it comes across as fake but it's the best I can do after all that has been done to me.
Best to you.
Hey.. why don't you and SS go
Hey.. why don't you and SS go out to eat at his favorite place for lunch?
I would have a talk about doing this in front of SS
That is disrespectful to you and SS. You were respectful in telling DH Alone. Not in front of SS you were disengaging because of X-Y- and Z. He should show the sane respect in his party efforts. He trying to make you look like the bad guy. Not his bad parenting is the cause of the problem. It's a totally unrespectable action.
Inform DH ...alone...away from SS... THAT not only his bad "do nothing " pad parenting is the major cause of tge problem. Because he doesn't have tge balls to stop the nonsense. That his stunt in frountbif SS , was a new low . That he and SS can now go to McDonals to have a little party. Here's $5 for a Happy Meal.
That he and SS can now go to
OMG lol
or the KFC 4 for $4
SO is sulking and upset with
SO is sulking and upset with me. He got a text from BM about picking SS up from a movie. I then asked SO if everything is now okay with him, SS, and BM after all the crap they said to him.I said I just want to know for my benefit because you lied to me and said you were done with extras with SS. He said that I have to understand he is a dad. I said fine you can be a dad but at this point I am telling you I want nothing to do with your kids. I said they don't stay here so it won't be hard for me to do. I said I am reminding you I am doing nothing that involves your kids. He then again says that they are his kids and I should understand. I said I do understand they are your kids, now understand me and they are not my kids they are just people to me that I don't want to be around right now. I said I am done discussing it.
This guy is
so full of it. Was there some major emergency that stopped his ex from picking up the kid? If not, why did he agree to do it?
I have a very hard time not seeing this as something he did for his ex, not his son.
She said she wasn't sure if
She said she wasn't sure if she would make it home in time to get him, I don't know where she was. SO doesn't ask her those types of questions. Which to me is fine because I don't want her to ask what we are doing either. He feels he is always doing it for the child . I have told him it is favors for BM , but in his head it is not , and I actually believe he feels that way because it has it ingrained in his head. But my problem was he told me since SS and BM had said such horrible things to him he was done doing the extras. He was just supposed to stick to his share of taking him to actual practices and games that pertained directly to the sport. No hanging out with friends, no private practices. And splitting the main practice drives with BM like he should have been all along. But instead I get the I don't understand, they are his kids .And it just get this over and over. Well this weekend and can go to the out of town game himself with the kid and see how much fun that is without me. He hasn't had to do that in four years. Have fun with your turd kid. And I hate that it has come to this. I would have liked to have a relationship with his kids. But SO had a large part in ruining it.
So for SS games on BM time
So for SS games on BM time the way I look at it as let the onus fall on her. So if she can't pick him up after then he doesn't go or else she finds a friend or family to pick him up. If course getting SO to see this.....
OK you are so right.. You had the discussion with your partner about that he isn't going to allow this to happen.... He isn't going to jump through hoops to help SS because of SSs abhorent behavior toward him lately. Truly awful! When you had your discussion did he say he wasn't going to help on bio moms time? Because if he did promise that then he's breaking a promise.
I would talk and say you just want to go over the agreement you came to in your last conversation and what promises he made.
If he is backsliding again then that is a major problem. Because I feel like you looked at this as kind of a last chance for him to prove that he is changing how he interacts and behaves. If he's backsliding already again then that is a huge problem. Because your whole fear and vulnerability is that worry that he will revert to going back. I would express how you feel and try to get back to an understanding of how things will be.
If he doesn't want to change that will be an issue I imagine.
A big issue is there is no
A big issue is there is no specific BMs time or SO time. There was never a formal agreement and since the kids don't even stay with us on the nights that were kinda considered SO time, there is really nothing to go by with that. To me if the kids have chosen to never stay with SO again it should be all BMs time and pretty much everything SO chooses to do is extra. But I think I have given enough leeway in all of it with the amount of time and money spent on so much extracurricular that is a privilege not a right for the SS. SO just always feels guilted in to doing what he thinks is right as a father, he is not looking at the big picture at all. It is like he has tunnel vision when it comes to the kids. He knows how hurtful and disrespectful to him they are but cannot stop himself from catering to them. He was told by my therapist that he needs real help but he refuses to get it.
He is going way above and
He is going way above and beyond for a child that treats him disrespectfully. It seems too like the kid recognizes this and also doesn't care and views his dad as foolish for doing all that. Yet he continues too... Bend over backwards for this kid who doesn't care. He thinks if he does all this the kid will come over more but doesn't he see this plan isn't working?
But he is
accommodating the ex. She can either get herself home in time to pick up her son or cancel her plans. Based on your past blogs he does this all the time - interrupts your time together to make sure his ex gets to do what she wants to do.
It feels like he's done a really good job of brainwashing you into accepting his desire to make his ex happy. He can call it whatever he wants but the only person he's helping here is his ex.
I agree I feel like if bio
I agree I feel like if bio mom is going to bring him there that SHE is responsible to get him home and she shouldn't be texting oh I can't make it. If you're a parent then be responsible. You can't just bring a kid and then not have plans to pick him up. Thats negligent. SO should say no to this. SO should not accommodate bio mom or SS like that.. Wasn't that the whole agreement?
This is perfectly possible
This is perfectly possible when the parents are still married.
Why is he pretending to still be married with his ex? This is so incredibly insulting and belittling to you - sweeping you under the carpet as if you don't exist - that he should be BEYOND ashamed of himself. Gawd. He only has ONE spouse.
I also feel like letting him
I also feel like letting him experience the pain of his choices is a good strategy. Consequences. So not going to the tournament is a great idea. Let him know you are serious and he can feel that things are different and uncomfortable due to his choice.
I also just found out what he
I also just found out what he spent on SS gift.. We had agreed he would keep it at a low price. Sunglasses that may have run us $30 because we already sent him to a baseball camp that was to be his birthday gift but SO insisted he has to also have an actual gift on his birthday. He bought him some weird baseballs to help him with batting. The price close to $150. My SO is a sneak and a liar when it is for his kids. I am at wits end.
Oh my. He just doesn't get
Oh my. He just doesn't get that he can't "buy love" and that what is doing isn't helping but hurting the situation. His son already sees him as a big sucker with a bank acct. He pulls those strings. I thought he was supposed to be reigning in these things....
Was one of his promises also that he would spend less? So he's pulling back on multiple facets of his agreement to you possibly?
Your SO
knows he can do anything he wants regarding his kids because it's true - he can.
Yes he has gone back on what
Yes he has gone back on what he has agreed to. He cannot and will not stop himself. It is so stuck in his head that he has to do anything and everything for these kids he can't see what he is doing. I can say he is a disaster right now. He knows he is doing wrong by me but can't stop himself. It is like a sickness. He is doing the travel thing alone this weekend with the disrespectful child. It could be really bad if the kid is a turd or maybe it will help them get closer. But SO didn't want to go alone with him so what does that tell you about the relationship. And I know he is worried about money because I saw him selling some stocks. So I used his card for some personal things I wanted to do.
Fantastic. Some people only learn by pain.
I'm not suggesting you should hurt him on purpose - that's going out of your way too much. Just don't protect him from the consequences of his choices, and do what you said you were going to do, whether that means leaving him to cop the trip with the son alone, you rewarding yourself with a day out when SS and SO are spending (poor) quality time together in your house, or a small gift to yourself of similar value to the stupid baseballs that he won't even remember in his adulthood.