Countdown….To Final Exodus

Still haven't told him.

He's still mostly on his BEST behavior (notifying me of skid overnight visitations, splitting holidays with his ex, taking his Beck n Call mobile hotline in another room - sometimes refusing non emergency super late calls when he's trying to sleep for work, getting his kids to help out more, making his kids use appropriate voice tone, not hassling me about warehousing them "In his (my) possession" while he works, doing more of his share of housework, being a decent person vs a militant jerk, etc)

But unfortunately he should have been doing this sooner and the deeper compatibility issues are still there

I don't know what to say

I'm guessing I should throw his words back at him

"if you weren't here my kids would be here"
"You aren't having seggs enough"
"We're so different"
"I pulled back from you because you're not as involved with my kids as I expected"
"how much money you making?"

or when you break up with someone do you just say "it's not working for either one of us" and keep it general?

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"It's not you, it's me"

Keep it general and try for civil and polite. It's too late for anything else.

You two don't share a child

You two don't share a child or any mutual properties/financies. It's not easy, but the more you say the bigger chances you'll end up sucked into a huge stirring pot where you have to explain yourself over and over and over. Make it short and simple - it's not working, sorry, I have to move on.

Gosh, it took me so long to realize that all the conversations and explanations and BSs with my ex were taking me nowhere. And we shared a daughter and other things after almost 20 years together. Once I drew the line and put an end to all the "ifs" and all the questions that weren't relevant anymore - I was finally able to move on. And to be happy.

Just don't do it, don't let him suck you into all that. Let go of everything - his children, his ex, his crappy parenting, him being a crappy partner. Close the page. Don't explain. Don't fall into his guilt trap. I swear to God, once you move out and you make it clear you aren't coming back, you'll see a side of him you've never imagined.

What I say and do depends on their behavior.

If they are calm and respectful. I am respectful.

If they make the mistake of being ill behaved shits, it is game on and I rip out their throut. Though I do it calmly and surgically to make sure that they and anyone else around is clear that they are shit and I will not be trifled with.

My XW and the SpermGrandHag have lived this process.

My incredible bride is far more ruthless at it than I am. She makes me look like a rank amature when she starts vivisecting idiots. They feel every cut and see every organ she removes while they are helpless to do anything about it. She does it with steely calm and absolute clarity.

I wouldn't even bother saying

I wouldn't even bother saying "it's not working for either one of us" - that ship has well and truly sailed. I'd just tell him "I'm going now, good luck to you in the future".

I wouldn't waste my words.

Stop the fighting

You are not cut out for this relationship.. You are never going to be happy. [just less upset]. That's no way to live. The kids are not going away. BM is unfortunately right .. You deserve to find a man who will put you first. Try to make you happy [Not less upset]

BM still will want to dump her kids on there father to do his part. BM wants SO. Parent his kids in takeing them away from her. Who has them all week long. With no help from SO. I can undressed BM. : " take your kids. I need peace and quiet and some loving". That not going to change. New time , down the road ,thing will get worst

. REMEMBER, You are only ONE accident, BIG heart attack, stroke, shooting. Road trip with her new lover.. TO get SK 24/7/365 days a year. Then what

I see what you're saying

BM should have an SO so she can get help and get a life however she's a beastly woman that most men would avoid or pump n dump (this dude was a bumbling fool to marry AND impregnate her twice)

Shes out here in this cold dating game and realizing this dude was the only one stupid enough to deal with her sh*t long term and so she's bitter and coming from the mindset of "if I can't have you, no one can" ... she's is not making sure her kids are cared for by their father she is using these kids as tools of manipulation to prevent him from running off with another woman/having another family

I see what you're saying buuut to clarify (not that it's important anymore) the dude actually does help her during the week/during her parenting times before or after his workday.

Those kids begging him to pick up/drop off at school and he does it at least once/twice a week PLUS if they have drs appointments he's paying the insurance/copays/deductible AND transporting them.

I am not opposed to him doing his part (in a more structured less haphazard way) but I come from the world of "it takes a village to raise kids" .... where is her very large family who can help her take those kids sometimes? Why doesn't her son have a job? Why don't these kids have activities they can be dropped off at?

I respect that he is dedicated to his kids.

But I don't respect him being gullible and enabling this woman to be barely above CPS report level parenting because he's scared of her manipulation tactics (taking the kids and running off herself so she can hurt his feelings and nail his ass to the wall in child support)

I also didn't respect him trying to use women (aka me) as his free nanny/ex breeder 2.0 (have me using my resources when I'm an already stretched thin single mom with no child support) when he should be out here proving better as a man.

That breeder is a useless hag (can barely hack it as a single parent and hell even if she didn't have those kids she can barely hack it as an individual) and I'd be shocked if anyone is wanting wanything but sex from her which they gotta be desperate af to even want that out of her.

I honestly didn't realize the think about "you could end up a permanent step mother if something happens that breeder". Since she isn't responsible enough to have life insurance to benefit her kids in the event of terminal illness or death like she was ordered by the court to do after her divorce then I would not want to raise her kids for free (this dude does not make enough for me to use MY resources on his bad a$$ kids in a scenario like this) so no I would not stick around in the depths of struggle with these people

But yeah I'm gonna let these people struggle with their sloppy scheduled parenting times, wharehouse their kids, and treat this house like a wild animal "sanctuary" ....

On to bigger and better things.

Take it from me

A lot of how you described that BM is EXACTLY my situation. It is scary & what is worse, the BM in my story dropped SS6 off on our doorstep with barely any notice & moved 12 hours away. She decided the paycheck she got from him wasn't worth her time & her MIL was sick & that paycheck had more potential. We are now stuck in a permanent situation raising a kid who is an absolute mess. She destroyed this kid in many ways but dropping him here without telling him she was leaving was the bomb. She kindly returned 1.5 yrs later and acts as if nothing ever happened (what a POS!).

Anyway, you getting out now is the best move because there's no guarantee you couldn't end up in a situation like me and no way in hell would I advise you stay. My SO didn't want full custody and here we are anyway. It's a whole different situation to bail over than what you're looking at right now.

Finding a prior breeder who can be successful as your partner

requires that they have brains, balls, and clear boundries for their X and their spawn.

Sadly, they are as rare as hens teeth, or unicorns.

Do not wait to determine if a potential mate demonstrates these traits. Tell them up front that the first day they show that they do not have these traits, they are instantly gone. Zero do-overs for them if they fail to deliver on brains, balls, and understanding that their mate and that relationship takes full and complete priority over past relationships and any baggage from thise relationships.

This does not mean that the prior breeder in a blended marriage is subserviant. It means that the partners in that relationship are the priority to each other and partner to deliver on the top adult responsibility of providing for the minor children in that family and they are partners in making their lives together. Which can improve for the partners and any kids in their marrage, regardless of kid biology. It can even improve the life of an X who has children with one of the blended relationship partners. If that X can be reasonable.

IMHO.