I'm not sure how the wake up call should be delivered but the problem is your DH. I'm sure your DH feels sorry for the boy due to the mother's death.  But this boy needs his one remaining parent to man up and be a real father.  I'm particularly concerned about his cruelty toward animals.  This kid needs serious help but your DH does, too.

Your husband is in denial and is making your life miserable and failing to get his son mental help. It's honestly probably too late for the son to turn out to be anything but an asshole at best and a sociopath at worst. You could try hidden cameras with audio in common areas (not bedroom or bathroom). Don't tell anyone, not even your husband. Then show him what a little shite his son acts like and maybe, with proof, he will take action. If not, little Damian might end up in prison. 

i was in a very similar situation years ago,, regardless of the skids terrible behaviour , your husband doesnt seem like he does anything for the boy or for you for that matter. Think very closely where you are considered in all of this and why your husband continues to make excuses for his sons bad behaviour when it clearly upsets you.   What does your DH say when the therapist says the child has severe ODD or is DH in denial and avoids that also?   I have been through all of this with a DH that continuously made excuses even when proof is in front of his face ..... I bet youve heard the old line "hes just a kid" ,, it doesnt get any better,, the skid gets worse as they get older and DH will just turn on you more and more and use the excuse that you just dont like his kid.   I went through this for over 10 years until i just couldnt take it anymore and had to end the relationship for my sanity or possibly be harmed in my sleep from a 13yr boy.   If i were you i would be hiding my toothbrush and anything personal ,, kids like this will go through your belongings if he isnt already and do very sly vindictive things to divide and conquer you and his father. good luck  

Deleted my blog about my friends 2 adopted boys...

One with odd, the other with reactive attachment. She's had many similar experiences. Nobody can tell you it's going to get better, especially given that your husband is taking the 'it's just kids' stance,  the same as hers. If you are going to stay he would need to be on the same page and unfortunately with kids with these issues it does need to be a military routine because they don't cope with any diversion from that without big consequences for you guys, so it's really hard work.

My friends kids are medicated for bed and have a strict bedtime, no junk food or sweets as that sets them off. They smash something it doesn't get replaced etc.  They have cameras all through the house so she can watch them live if she has to do housework so she can see if for example, the one trys to set a bedroom on fire,  again. Or they are simply trying to kill each other.

What I also said in that blog is that she's a shaking mess, and wish she'd been told they had these issues as she'd have thought twice about having them. Fact. And knowing them I understand why, it's no life. If you have choices I'd really consider your future here 

You wasted your money getting married,  Now more money for the divorce.   Things are not going to get better.  You have a major BF ,,,SO,,problem.   I would never married a person who will treat me this way.  Doesn't want ki$s with you.  Making you second class.  BM who didn't care for him. He did all the good stuff with.  You set the left overs.  "His leftover from his good life ".   SS is screwed up.  Not his fault,  his mother died and no one is getting him help.

other than agree with everyone...get the hell out of this mess as soon as possible. Please! Do not have a child with this man. Even if you end up divorcing, he will have visitation rights and guess who's still going to be in the home with his dad?  Run and run fast.

As someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, your SS's behaviors make my skin crawl. Again...RUN and RUN FAST.

Love is not enough... there are issues at play here.. that are way beyond your pay grade.. you have a choice to stay.. or leave.. and knowing what you do now.. having kids to put them in this environment.. that would be a horrible prospect.

I would not stick around for a front row seat to this disaster... this kid is going to drain his family of resources.. financial.. emotional.. he will be a vampire of neediness.

He's not only failing his son, he's failing you and his other son.  He's not protecting his other child.  His other child is being molested.  Why is he not protecting his younger son?  Protect yourself.  Get out of there and call CPS so maybe his younger son can be taken out of this dangerous situation.  SS13 is going to keep pushing the envelope.  He will eventually do even worse to you and/or his little brother.  You deserve better.  Your husband does not have your back and never will.  

Lock the toxically ill behaved shit kid down and keep him locked down with escalating consequences that deliver him an increasing standard of abject misery.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  

Get the message ready for daddy that you will enforce standards of behavior and performance and if he does not like how you parent and discipline then he can step up and get it done before you have to.  If he does not have the testicular fortitude to do it, then he can have your back and bite his tongue.

Good luck.

Ship him off to military boarding school.....He needs HIGH level of structure that his dad is failing to provide.

I'll try to find the post, but many years ago, I joined Steptalk (different name back then). There was a post of an SM whose SS sexually assaulted her and when her DH found out, he went running out to find the SS rather than comfort his wife. The SM was devasted over the assult and her own husband wouldn't even comfort her. He ran to go comfort her assialant to coddle him. Do you want that for yourself? Your future child? You said in a comment above that your SS has left you alone sexually but he hasn't. His behaviours are forms of sexual assault. It WILL escalate.

Not only would I leave that house, but I would go ahead and record that little asshole and take the recording to a CPS office before the sun sets today. Forget the recording if it would put you in danger though. And I'm not talking about just your SS. Your H doesn't sound all that safe either. Your other SS is living in a dangerous household. He's a child at risk. You are an adult that is aware of your other SS living in a dangerous household. Just think about that. 

Can you go for counselling yourself? I noticed that you keep saying how much you love your DH, but it would be a good idea to find out why your picture of love is this horrible situation you're in. It would be very beneficial to you to have support as you leave your very dangerous situation and make sure that your innocent SS is protected. 

Love is definitely NOT ENOUGH.

Document everything possible and record EVERYTHING. So what if your husband gets mad, you need to be madder this is happening. Protect YOU, eff that man you married. Hes not looking out for your best interests. Not at all.

And you do not want to procreate with this horrible person either.

Please let us know how things go! 

Your post has red flags all over it.  I feel for you, especially the part about being 40 and wanting a baby. This situation that you married into sounds awful. And I hate to say it, but I doubt it changes.  If anything, it will likely get worse.  The heart of this issue is your DH - you have a DH problem.  You can't parent enough for two people and the stepparent shouldn't be put in the position of having to full-on parent the skids. 

Please don't waste any more of your time.  DH may make promises to you to make you stay - don't fall for it.  I  was promised a baby and was lied to.  I am 47 now and definitely too old to have a baby.  You have time to try for a baby but I don't think you should procreate with this man.  You deserve better than this mess.  It sounds like your DH doesn't want to address his son's bad behavior.  Actually, his son's behavior is more than bad, it's pathological.  He sounds very manipulative and like he knows what he is doing in terms of acting like an angel in front of dad and then giving you hell.  And killing animals?  Sorry to say but this behavior has "future serial killer" written all over it. You can't save this kid or this family.  It doesn't matter how kind you are, how much money you contribute.... you can't fix this.

Spare yourself the agony and walk away from this.  It has been said on here before and I'll say it again, you can't care more than the biological parent.  You just can't. 

Please think about yourself, your future, your future child's future and reconsider this situation. One last note, I live alone and early on in my marriage when I sort of picked up on that things weren't right, I stayed anyway.  And I stayed for many dumb reasons, but one main reason was I thought it would be awful to be alone and single.  I left my previous situation and I can tell you:  I have never been happier.  It is liberating to not be dragged down by others' issues and petty drama.  There are worse things than being single.  Granted, my situation wasn't quite as scary as yours, but it was just as sh&tty.

Please keep us posted... (sending hugs) We are here for you!

agreed , i was scared to be alone too,, and yes,,,it will hurt at the begining but now im well and truely out of that mess , i can see very clearly how completely nuts it was !! and the only regret i have is i wish i had of done it years earlier instead of trying to stick it out over a decade. it took me a while to 'un-program' myself from expecting shit treatment , but now im free ,,,so many doors continue to open.  OP you wont be alone and you are a lot more stronger than you know.  Look after number 1 ...YOU.  sending hugs.