At the end of my rope
I am starting to feel very hopeless with my SD. She is continuing to struggle in school and her school has fought with us tooth and nail when we have tried to get her evaluated for learning disabilities. SD is absolutely horrid when things aren't 100% her way and when she was being evaluated she behaved rudely with the evaluator and refused to participate, so they basically gave up and said they didn't think there was anything "wrong" with her, even though she is 8 years old and cannot read, doesn't know the days of the week (and we have tried dearly to teach her these things daily), has daily meltdowns when she is told to do basic things, and has the attention span of a goldfish.
I truly believe that she has a very severe learning disability. I hate to say it but she is very delayed, her younger cousins are more mature and capable than her. I don't want to compare children but the gulf between her and other children her age continues to get wider and it seems like her doctor and the school administration just don't give a damn as long as she is not actively causing people problems. I thought people were overzealous in diagnosing children, but maybe we are just very unlucky.
Recently it has come to light that she will have to do summer school and will most likely have to repeat second grade. She is barely on level for math (and their standards are pretty low) and is reading at a kindergarten level. Her dad's recent attempt to practice reading with her resulted in a 2 hour meltdown. My efforts to introduce her to phonics computer games and fun activities are met with whining and rudeness. We are at the point where she is spending virtually her entire weekends in her room minus meals because she cannot behave decently, at all. Her terrible behavior and attitude has lost her all of her friends, and she is aware of this but is either unable or unwilling to change her behavior.
I am becoming very depressed as a result of this. Money is a limiting factor as far as going around the school and getting a more comprehensive evaluation. I want to move on with my life and have children of my own but my step daughter occupies so much of my energy. She was almost easier to handle when she was 6 and even less mature, I am not sure what has happened since then other than her starting school. SD is very close to me and I always remind her that I just want effort, not perfection. After conversations she seems to have absorbed the message but as soon as we initiate reading practice that all flies out the window.
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Sigh.
A stinging swat to the rump, standing with her nose in a corner for hours until she reads out loud, humiliation, and discomfort.
All will drive her to comply. She will continue to melt down until she learns that getting out of an induced state of escalating misery is entirely up to her.
Once you take away the advantages she gets out of how she behaves and replace those with an escalating state of abject misery, she will start to improve.
I am often baffled by those who rely on the schools to correct this crap then blame the schools when the crap is not corrected.
IMHO, this type of thing is not the failure of the Schools, Teachers, or the System. This is far more often than not the failure of parents.
I get that some kids have legitimate problems. However, far more just have lazy idiot parents.
I hope your SD can recover from this. Many never do and remain combative entitlement demanding failures through adulthood.
IMHO of course.
WTH? Corporal punishment
WTH? Corporal punishment what borders on psychological abuse aren't going to do anything, especially if the child has a learning disability. It's obviously not a matter of complying or not complying. This child obviously has ISSUES that can't be beaten or humiliated out of her.
She doesnt have a learning
She doesnt have a learning disability, she just doesnt want to learn and found adults who are catering to her every whim. Rags is absolutely right and if we had more parents like him, the children would probably at a minimum know how to read and write unlike what is going on in school now
I have 4SSs and 1SD and 1 other son who is from the ex wifes ex partner....That is 6kids....Out of the 6 kids, only 2 can read. They all supposedly have "learning disabilities" but upon sitting with each of them, i found that only one of them truly seems to have learning issues and the others are just coasting and refused to learn
SS21 (then 14) accused me of turning him into a robot and giving him a headache and had a mega tantrum because i asked him to reach 1 PAGE of a childrens book....He called his mother and father and had an argument fest with me. When I finally told him that there wouldnt be any wifi, he read the page with A LOT of difficulty.
He now has no GED and no future prospects....He was "in special ed"....but even then that couldnt help because the problem is behavioral and can only be corrected through discipline and consequences
I say this as someone who grew with a brother and a cousin with disabilities (including learning) so I have quite a bit of experience dealing with children and young adults who have difficulties learning and even frequented a pedopsychologist and learning specialist for decades
Ppl conflate learning disabilities with behavioral issues but they arent the same. Someone who has Opposite Defiant Disorder or Hyperactive syndrome isnt under the "learning disability" umbrella, they are able to learn but unable to regulate their emotion/behaviors enough. This can only be corrected through discipline and consequences
I'm taking what OP had to say
I'm taking what OP had to say at face value considering she has a front row seat to this manure matinee.
I stand by what I wrote: this kid has issues. Whether they are organic or a product of her raising remains to be seen. Regardless, Rags' "solution" of beating her or humiliating her until she complies is no solution at all. I've seen that rhetoric on here for years and I hate it. I'm not saying the child should be treated like a speshul snowflake and coddled till the cows come home. Far from it. I just think there are better ways of going about things than corporal punishment and damn near psychological abuse.
Thank you. I understand
Thank you. I understand everyone else's skepticism based on the typical patterns seen in blended family dynamics, but the entire time I've known her I have been asked by other children and adults if she has an intellectual disability, autism, etc. This is not to say that random people are experts in child psychology but the issues are obvious enough for strangers and other children to see. DH has tried spankings and time spent standing in a corner with no sensory input, etc. but it has not worked. The only things that have made any improvements are the sleep, diet, and strict routine changes that I put in place which got us from wild banshee to "just" a difficult and avoidant child. Honestly, I know that the most logical thing for me to do would be to disengage but it kills me to see her struggle like this and I don't want her to be at the mercy of whoever is in her life because she is incapable of holding down a job or taking care of herself in the future.
Depending on the State, corporal punshishment is legal for
anyone acting enloco parentis. Some states do not allow spanking in public schools.
An age appropriate swat to the rump for an incorrigible ill behaved kid may be a perfectly acceptable consequence.
Corporal punishment of minors in the United States
https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Corporal_punishment...
Despite opposition from medical and social-services professionals, as of 2023, the spanking of children is legal in all 50 states and, as of 2014, most people ...
Prevalence · Social acceptance · In law · In schools
Sooo ... how is that relevant
Sooo ... how is that relevant to what I posted?
A swat to the rump is not beating a child.
"A stinging swat..."
"A stinging swat..."
There are people who disagree with that.
Granted.
But, a stinging rump can often reconnect the brain with performance.
It's 2023. People are often
It's 2023. People are often NOT okay with someone disciplining their child(ren). Especially physically.
Let's be realistic. How many high conflict parents would JUMP at a chance to scream abuse and/or make things extremely difficult and unpleasant for their ex partner? And if your idea of brain reconnection is delivered by the non-bio parent: the BF/GF/SO/DW/DH? Hell.To.Pay.
How many NCPs are caught in limbo hell? You didn't sign up to be a part-time parent. You went from seeing your kids daily to EOWe. You miss them. Your time is horribly limited, so you want to make their time with you pleasant and fun. The CP is waging a serious PAS war. And since the kids are with the CP most of the time, the CP is successfully poisoning them. EOWe is what... least than 15% vs the 85%. You feel like your kids are slipping away and you're desperate to maintain or reconnect. So discipline slides. Your kids get lazy and sassy and you're not sure what to do to get them to act better and keep wanting to come over. Your new partner isn't used to this caca and is all fired up and ready to step in.
And it is 110% unfair and unreasonable to expect your new partner to be okay with your increasingly unruly offspring OR pick up your slack.
This is what happened to my DH. Me trying to step in is what almost ended our marriage. It took me - after having run myself ragged - stepping back, disengaging, and making him deal with everything. And I do mean every single thing to do with the skids.. Shopping, laundry, housecleaning, meals. My DH loathes cooking. Skid weekends went from delicious, homemade meals to carryout pizza or frozen entrees and sides. After DH prepared their meal, I made mine: stir fry, steak, shrimp scampi, penne ala vodka... Then I cleaned up my dishes and left theirs for DH. It didn't take long for DH to get tired of doing everything and start making the skids tidy up, do chores, etc.
He never laid a hand on any of them. He used looks and words. "I'm sorry to hear that." "This disappoints me." "You know better." The looks, the words, shaking his head... it worked.
This is a different generation. The neighbors don't discipline every kids in the neighborhood. The fact is that when they're not your biological or adopted children, physically disciplining in this day and age can open up a very nasty can of worms.
It is a tragedy when parents fail to parent.
TY for the bigger picture.
It is not only a tragedy for the kids. It is a tragedy for the parents themselves, a catastrophe for anyone who engages in making a life with the failed parent, and infuriating for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be exposed to the product of the failed parenting.... in any way.
In my childhood experience, and my Unicorn SParent experience, there has been no vacuum in parenting. Because of that, I have fortunately not experience a marriage to a failed parent and I have not had to suffer beyond dealing with a toxic blended family opposition.
Our community exists because so many SParents are married to parental failures.
Sadly.
I don't consider my DH to be
I don't consider my DH to be a parental failure. For him, it was a learning curve: finding a balance to once again instill discipline and ethics while making our home and their time with him (and occasionally me) enjoyable.
BioHo ran ruthless PAS/stepPAS campaigns. She was successful with the SDs for a time. Not as all with the SSs. She also threatened and carried out not allowing DH to see the skids until he gave into whatever she wanted. Fix her car, babysit Spawn (her marriage-ending affair baby), etc. The divorce wasn't final and the courts are notoriously pro-BM. Regardless of how unworthy 'Ho was, DH was desperate to see his children. He let discipline slide because he was trying to counter 'Ho's PAS and get the SDs to visit/spend time with him and prove he was not the monster 'Ho portrayed him as.
And while I agree that some are failing as parents, others have potential. They need to do the work. Take parenting classes, spend time with their kids instead of trying to slough them off on their female partner in the hopes maternal instinct ~snort~ will kick in and "make it all better/go away".
But there will always be those too lazy or too disinterested to do anything other than look the other way. Some might secretly be ashamed, but still won't do the work and take that out on their poor spouses.
You DH is fortunate to have such an incredible partner in life.
Even your skids are fortunate that your DH has such an incredible partner.
Angels exist. You are one.
He's fortunate, but I am
He's fortunate, but I am faaaaaaaar from being an angel. *ROFL*
A stinging swat to the rump,
A stinging swat to the rump, standing with her nose in a corner for hours until she reads out loud, humiliation, and discomfort.
This is the kind of sh!t that will leave psychological scars on a child. It's disgusting this is the formula you've advocated FOR YEARS to deal with children.
The school doesn't get to
The school doesn't get to "give up" because SD is hard to evaluate. Did they give you the reasons they don't think there's a disability/services are being denied in writing? Did SD's father challenge the results of the school's evaluation and request an independent evaluation?
My husband has been in
My husband has been in correspondence with the school evaluators but they have so far ignored his letters and phone calls. They are rarely in the office, it seems. He has set up an in-person appointment to speak with them so we will have to see how it goes. As far as the paperwork is concerned, he has done his due diligence, we are now waiting to see if the school will cooperate with us.
They did not discuss much with DH as far as their justification for stopping the evaluation. They mentioned certain behaviors, like her use of a baby voice, but that is clearly not related to a learning disability and is something she picked up from coddling family members. Anytime we have spoken with teachers and staff we have gotten accusations of bad parenting and SD herself has lied to her teachers about us not paying attention to her and not teaching her how to read (which we punished her big time for lying about that) and the teachers seem to be more willing to believe an 8 year old than two adults who are well-educated and employed.
Please put your request for
Please put your request for evaluation in writing. They can ignore you if you ask in person or call, but must evaluate a child if they receive a written request. IF you are not happy with their evaluation. You can also request (in writing) an evaluation from an outside party that the school must pay for. Best of luck to you.
DH put in a written request
DH put in a written request months ago, which is when they did the initial evaluation. They discussed with him the possibilities of doing more tests, including an IQ test and a test for dyslexia, but they have been dragging their feet. The initial evaluation happened in October and nothing has happened since then. We are at a loss of what to do now because no amount of correspondence, written, on the phone, or in person has yielded any results.
if she refused to cooperate
if she refused to cooperate why would they want to waste effort/resources on further testing? you cannot get a dianosis if she is deliberately not cooperating. That is a her/you issue to the school, not a they/them issue. I highly suggest a good child psychologist and your DH finding a resource to help him leanr to parent a difficult child. If she's never been trained to do the educational basics she's going to be perfectly happy w/ what she gets now.
Nothing "wrong" with her...
I happen to have a special ed teacher in my family. One thing I have heard from her often is that there are many kids in her class who do belong there. There are also a few kids in her class that are there because they have not been taught or held to any sort of discipline in their lives by their parents.
Knowing what we do about HCBM's and Disney dads, why is this surprising? Maybe your SD, despite all your efforts, is just spoiled? If her mom and dad don't want to discipline her or invest any effort into her, then maybe she is acting out and having behavioral problems because of it. Special ed teachers are pretty good at picking up on which kids "can't help it" and which kids are "spoiled brats."
I don't know your situation, but if you are the step - I wouldn't make it your problem. Let the parents parent, and don't take all this on yourself.
BM has not been involved
BM has not been involved since SD's birth. Before I became involved full-time SD was being babysat by extended family who spoiled the hell out of her and never bothered to apply any real boundaries. DH and I have been working hard to undo a lot of this and there have been improvements but we are at a plateau. I suspect puberty is around the corner because of some physical changes that have occured which I imagine will throw a massive wrench into our efforts if we are not careful.
There are more problems with SD that I have not mentioned, for instance she has speech problems that are age inappropriate, which is one reason why I suspect she has a learning disability. And frankly she is very dull. Much younger children can outmaneuver her intellectually. I love her to pieces but it is the cold hard truth.
The reality is that her problems are likely a mix of what she has learned from the other adults in her family that find her bratty behavior endearing and perhaps some learning disability. Before I became super involved DH admittedly did a lot of guilt parenting, which I warned him about and he stopped, so we still have a lot of work to do. I feel a great responsibility to do a lot for SD because I am the only woman in her life that has a sense of responsibility and some capabilities in the real world, it seems.
Idk...you said that before
Idk...you said that before you became involved, DH had her living at the grandparents and it was them and other family doing the raising. Then you step in and she lives with you. I think the problem is that none of these people besides you gave a crap about how she turned out. They set her in front of a tv and gave her junk food. Kind of like the care you would give a plant. Lack of stimulation during the early developmental age has stunted her brain growth. If BM was on drugs, that may have damaged her brain, too. Certain things can't be undone, though if she has motivated caregivers, it can be helped somewhat. Is anyone besides you honestly motivated?
My husband says he is but he
My husband says he is but he is somewhat avoidant around this topic. I keep pestering him to get her to a child psychologist and he has yet to do so, yet is constantly frustrated with her behavior. I think he is expecting her to "grow out" of it but I am trying to get him to understand that if we are not careful it will become an ingrained part of her personality, that's why I am trying to get her in front of an expert to rule anything else out before we are deep in the trenches of puberty.
As far as her mother, my husband has told me that she was a drug user but he doesn't suspect that she did anything while pregnant, however I have my doubts based on everything else I know about the situation, SD was an extremely high needs baby, only slept 8 hours total a day, colic, could not be consoled, etc.. To me all of the signs point to a legitimate difference exacerbated by bad influences.
If the school will not
If the school will not evaluate, then get a private evaluation to bolster moving the school in the engage direction.
I am sure that there are any number of parents looking for a diagnosis to justify the crap behavior of their children. Schools are likely overwhelmed with parents seeking an excuse to avoid dealing with their ill raised, ill behaved spawn and to avoid ownership of the behavior of their children. Sadly, IMHO, this is why so many kids are medicated who should not be. THough I am rarely team school, I am far more... hold kids accountabler for their behavioral choices... in an age appropriate manner.
While there are certainly kids who are legitimately suffering from some condition who will benefit from treatment, therapy, medication, others need little more than parental envolvement and being held to standards of behavior and performance.
Probability says that ill behaved childrne are far more often than not the result of failed parenting than a legitmate condition. Whether that is acondition is medical, emotional, psychological, or otherwise.
Why you shouldn't make excuses for your child's bad behaviour, tips for parents (parentcircle.com)
In legitimately Dx'd issue situations, by all means get the kid some help. Though even a Dx does not excuse shit child behaviors nor does a Dx excuse crap parenting.
The eternal hunt for an excuse while avoiding focusing on enforcing standards of behavior and standards of performance has never made sense to me.
Doctor
Take the child to her pediatrician and explain what you are experiencing, her deficiencies in learning and the doctor will evaluate and provide writen documentation and instruction to the school.
The school can not trump what the doctor says.