Ss18 wants to quit HS 2 months shy of graduation
Last time I wrote, Ss18 failed all of his classes. I blame him somewhat, but mostly I blame DH because this is not new for Ss18 and DH has never done much in the way of consistent discipline or involvement.
The school then decides to offer an extended day, where SS18 would have to stay until 5pm Monday through Thursday so he could graduate with his peers. That call went to DH on a Monday.
The next day, SS being SS decides that he wants to just take his GED. Somehow, the guidance counselor agrees to this and DH pretty much throws his hands up and says he’s just tired of going through issues with schooling with SS so he can just get his GED and be done with it.
The problem I have with this is that SS quits everything. He’s never really completed much of anything. What if he goes for the GED and fails? Will he quit trying to go for that too? And is it me or does it make absolutely no sense to allow your child to quit school 2 months shy of graduating only because they can’t and don’t want to extend their day until 5pm???!?
I had it out with DH and also let him know that if SS is being allowed to swap to a ged then he’s going to need a job as well, a real job, not a work as you want Uber eats or temp Foot locker job. The GED classes are only a few hours a week at best.
I also told him I wanted him to take SS with him trucking during the spring break (which is last week and this coming week) because I want SS to get a taste of how he would live with DH on the road if he can’t get it together. Initially DH fights this and says SS being in the house shouldn’t bother me because he doesn’t need bathing or cooking for or looking after. He doesn’t get that SS just being in my personal space while doing nothing, is annoying to me. It messes with my sense of peace. Ultimately, Dh agreed to take him.
The following week (which is last week), Dh waits in truck with SS Monday and Tuesday (goes home at night) awaiting a load but nothing comes. I hit the road with DD to visit my best friend in Tennessee. Wednesday I call DH and he says he’s got a load to Texas, and he’s driving on his way to the truck. I ask if he’s taking SS and (get ready for it!) he says he isn’t because SS told him he had a placement test for the GED the following day.
I was super frustrated and gave him an earful. Dh alleges that he thought I just didn’t want to be around SS and being that I was out of state, he didn’t think it would be an issue to leave SS home. I again explained that it’s not that I don’t want to be around SS, it’s more that I want SS to get a taste of not having all of his creature comforts and that possibly motivating him to do something with his life other than quit and shirk responsibilities. I told DH that it seems to me like he doesn’t want to be around his son and he was very offended. Called his load off and said he’d go back home but made it seem like he was being forced to. I felt like he tried to make it seem like I’m unreasonable.
I told DH that since the start of our relationship, I’ve never wanted to be responsible for his kids, we both agreed this was fair from the start. But he changed his schedule from a 8-4 to a split shift 4-midnight and 2 overnights, effectively cutting himself out of their lives after school. Now that he retired last year and started trucking he can choose to take his kid on the road with him but it seems he just wants me to finish raising his son (which I’ve not really done). His lack of parenting really shows with his first 2, and I don’t want to be stuck with the results of his project. That’s how I see it. Both ss23 and Ss18 are representations of his lack of parenting and I told him as much. He completely ran with it saying sarcastically “yea, I know they’re both pieces of sh$t”. I don't like saying that about people but I don't know what else to call it. Ss23 just asked to move back in with us a few weeks ago because I'm sure he's scared of being a dad, though I warned him about living a fast life. His teeth are infected all the time, he can't save his check and I've consistently told DH he might be doing more than Marijuana but DH WON'T LISTEN! He's very ostrich head in the sand. I don't want SS18 turning out like SS23 and he's on his way. The only person I feel can stop this is DH but he never seems to know what to do. He thinks having a talk every now and again or watching shows and movies together is parenting. I've never seen him discipline consistently.
I just don’t want to do this anymore. I have lost a lot of respect for my DH, to the point of where I can understand why people cheat. I feel that he’s allowed his first 2 kids emasculate him to me and I don’t know how and if I’m ever going to get past this.
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SS being SS decides that he
SS is 18. The guidance counselor does not have to agree. The parent does not have to agree. Legally, it is SS's decision.
What Dad can do is apply consequences if SS is living with him. But, if Dad was not willing to apply consequences for failing grades earlier the odds of doing so now are small.
It’s not the GED I have an issue with
It's the fact that ss is only 2 months shy of graduation if he just goes to class until 5pm. Ssis 18, he can legally make decisions for himself but we should be existing as part of a whole, a bigger picture. Ss18 has always been the person who does the minimum possible. The saddest part is that he is actually very bright and has a lot of potential but because DH didn't take the time necessary to teach him the art of discipline, he's destined to live a difficult life if he thinks he can just quit at everything. Also, I'm not about to tolerate an 18 year old home most of the day enjoying a house, heat and food that I have to work for. I would even say he should just work but the truth is, I just don't want to live with him. Hence my suggestion that he join the military, job corp, go to college or if he wants none of that, he can work and save money to leave or go to a shelter. If DH is on the road, SS is not my project to work on.
job corps might work
Military may not be an option if SS is unwilling to do the easy until 5 pm credit restore route.
Job Corps may work if Dad can get him to go. There are Job Corps programs with GED classes.
The key with any of these is that SS has to buy into whatever he choses to have a chance of success.
It is actually really hard to
It is actually really hard to join the military with a GED now. It's only Army and he still has to score well on his ASVAB's. The rates that he will be allowed to do suck.
Just about all school systems
If you show up and attempt to do the work you pass. You get something to hold in your hands. Any employer who see a person who didn't finish HS. It's telling him that pe4son just didn't do the basics. Will bot be a good worker Some company requires a That
It's crazy to me parents
It's crazy to me parents arent holding their kids accountable to get the bare minimum, a high school education.
I'm sorry but most of the blame for this lies with the parents of this child, who have raised him to not value education.
A tiny ray of hope
My GS did the same thing and I couldn't believe my DD and SIL let him. I've never understood it. He was/is bright, handsome, likeable. He then had about a 3-4 year period of living with 2 other guys, worked as a lifeguard. The thoughts "alcohol" and " drugs" went thru my mind, I thought it was a lost cause.
He seemed to come to some kind of awakening, moved back home, got his GED and enrolled in an online computer program. He got his bachelor's degree and was recruited to a good job in another city. I was shocked. Flash forward several years, he owns a home, is making a 6-figure salary and completes his master's soon.
I hope you get a surprise outcome, too. It seems like a miracle.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
It takes a long time to REALLY know a person. I was married for an embarrassingly long time before I began to realize my DH was a classic non parent who lacked self awareness and believed his own b.s. He came from dysfunction, allowed that for his kids, and is paying the price for it now.
Once we start losing respect, we have to decide if we want to continue the relationship with the person they actually are. And if we do, we have to 1) Draw boundaries to avoid being dumped on, and 2) Develop a long-term plan to insulate us from the long-term effects of their poor parenting.
You seem very clear eyed about your H and your step situation, OP. I hope you can recalibrate things and get the peace you deserve.
His dad can hold the screws
His dad can hold the screws to this 18 year old if he chooses. He could tell him.. "If you want to live at home.. you will go to school FT.. and that means you will go for those extra hours so that you will graduate with a real diploma"
I can't imagine what he was thinking that he would leave his 18 yo kid at home unsupervised.. not going to school? can we say house party central? with you and him both gone.. why would he not?
Of course the kid is looking at the easy way out.. and instead of taking his kid's word for it.. he should be at the school talking with the counselor directly.. asking about options..
1. the extended days?
2. What about summer school instead? it might mean he would graduate later.. but it's not like the kid cares about graduation with his peers if he is wiling to do GED.
A GED is not a great option .. even the military can limit where you might go if you don't have a HS diploma.. what kind of roles you might fill. It's a clear indicator that something went wrong with you during those years.. now.. in some cases.. kids can overcome the stigma.. if they resolve to work hard.. but I'm guessing if laziness was the motivator for needing to do it? they likely are going to have that trait haunt them through adulthood.
and.. you are seeing the results of his parenting with the older one.. who I hope you will hold strong against letting him come back home. With your SO taking out extended work out of the area.. you are not going to be left babysitting his adults.
We often say here that you
We often say here that you cannot care more then the parents. It seems to me if SS is grown enough to make his own decisions. He is old enough to be on his own. DH & SS need to start making an exit plan.
This would be my hill to die
This would be my hill to die on. Drop out of school = move out of my house. I don't care if he wants to get his GED. That good enough degree isn't good enough for me.
He is 18, he is in control of his education at this point but I have standards and mine wouldn't allow for this.
Agree with above posters.
This would be a hard line in the sand for me. Honestly, I would lose all respect for someone that allowed this to happen to their child. Seriously, what kind of shit parent (and just human for that matter) lets their kid drop out of high school....particularly when they are so freakin close to graduation!? This is setting skid up for complete failure at life - sure there are some exceptions of people that go on to do well - but honestly that is a thing of the past. A lot of places even require HS diploma for construction - at least if they want to end up as more that "general labor" for the rest of their life.
Pathetic.
This is a tough one.
I think I'd lay down an ultimatum at this point. Neither SS or DH have a level of pride or as we discussed here the other day at our house-this world has moved to lacking embarrassment & shame. What happened to being embarrassed when you fail? Feeling shameful when you knew you were capable but didn't complete something? Based on your story even with a diploma this kid needs to hit the road & figure it out on his own, not in your home. Let him crash & burn...somewhere else. My goodness you are a saint, I would have blown by this point. I absolutely cannot stand lazy & this is way beyond any level of lazy, even for today's kids.
Im sorry you are going through this
This must be really really stressful!
I would definitely have a heart to heart with BOTH Dh and SS. Either seperately or together.
Been there. Though it was not that SS wanted to quit.
The Spermidiot hacked the Military School fire wall and SS would stay up all night playing WoW with his idiot dick-donor-daddy and flunked the only class in the first semester of hsi Sr year of HS he needed to graduate. So, we yanked him home at Christmas breat, gave him clarity that he either graduated on time or he would get a new pair of boots, a new coat, and a Walmart tent and dropped off at the local homeless camp on what should be his graduation day.
It scared the shit out of him so much that he busted his ass to graduate on time and with honors.
Nearly 13 years later he has completed 12 years of service in the USAF, is thriving as an adult, a professional, and is a man of character, honor, and standing in his community.
He knew, step up... or step out. He stepped up and less than a year after HS graduation he launched.
We had one lance chance to counter the SpermClan toxicity and a few hours meeting his future neighbors in the homeless camp did the trick.
Drop your SS off with teh crack heads. I bet he will gain clarity. Or not, either way, he has 2mos then he is out. If he does not graduate. If he does graduate, let him stay ... one day at a time with clarity that he deviates from your standards, and he can find his way to the homeless camp.
IMHO of course.
If only
I'm a fan of your burning Platform idea. The issue is DH. I feel like he's not on board with a lot of these ideas. He said to me last month, "I don't want to be like you!" during a discussion about our parenting styles.