Selfish SD who is insistent on maintaining control in every aspect of my our lives
I am a step-parent of a 17 yr old SD and a sister who is younger. The 17 yr old SD has made my life absolute hell for the past six years.
As of late and the typical pattern is whenever I cook she refuses to eat any of it. She blames it on an MH issue however it's very clear that she is a fantastic manipulator due to her Disney dad who has up until the pandemic ordered in for her and her sister for years three days a week. Now that he is finally realizing how this is a terrible waste of money I have decided to cook mainly for me and my diet restrictions and for him as well as save money. Over the past several months of this, the SD has made up every excuse in the book from " i am not hungry, to not eating at all, blaming it on the numerous OCD triggers that she has even though she has been seeing a therapist for years and is now doing things that she claimed she could never do in the past. She seems to be very stable on new medications however the behaviour and the rudeness and personality is and has always been the bigger problem.
Last night I made dinner and she complained that she couldn't eat it because it was warmed in the microwave. While this has been a trigger in the past she has not had any difficulty with the microwave since she has been taking new medications. IN fact, she even went as far as to insinuate I was crazy when I asked her permission if it was ok if we use the microwave. Her father has been trying to change things and stated that she needed to share what was going on with her and this included me since I am his wife. She then stated several times while not giving me eye contact with her father I don't feel comfortable talking about it in front of my NAME. The first time she said I simply ignored it. The second time she said it I ignored it. The third time she said I started to feel angry. by the fourth time I put my hands up and stated directly to her, I don't appreciate the negative vibes you are giving me and please stop it. She then went to her room and stomped off like she was six. The father then went to try and talk to her even though I had asked him if we could talk privately first. He then got into caretaking. Are you mad at me? We need to know what is going on. I finally lost it and said. we will talk about this later I need to speak to your dad. She then said I don't feel comfortable speaking about it with my NAME again. I yelled at her and said yes we know you have said over and over again. As is the usual pattern with her she plays the victim and started to cry. Thankfully my HBD came with me to speak to me in private. He did not pay attention to the waterworks.
A few months back she was acting unbelievably disrespectful to me and interrupting my HBD conversation rolling her eyes and speaking in a derogatory tone with me then yelling saying what is your problem with me. I said I don't have a problem with you I have a problem with the way you are speaking to me. She then stopped off and came out of her room several minutes later saying she was going to hurt herself and crying then saying that she thinks about jumping off a bridge. The youngest panicked and went into an awful anxious I am the parent response. We phoned her counsellor and the mom and arranged a meeting to address the seriousness of the behaviour but it wasn't addressed in a way that was useful because both Parents think it's her MH and not any behaviour issue with me.
The counsellor caught on and decided to make me part of her exposure homework. Whatever the hell that means?! The SD has everyone convinced that her OCD is the reason that she hates me and it's not her it's her OCD. Both her parents have convinced her it's perfectly fine to keep her OCD a secret from me and that she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. (poor baby). I mean the gaslighting and BS are unbelievable. The latest after many years of her acting out and passive-aggressive behaviour towards me and making me a scapegoat for her misery is I have asked my HSD to consider telling her to live with her mother when his youngest daughter finishes high school so that we can downsize and move on our own. I cant take it anymore!
The worst part of all of this is I look like the selfish bad guy because the SD turns it on me and makes it seem like I don't have compassion. Meanwhile, she is absolutely horrible to me and uses any and all opportunities she can to constantly have power over me even if she has to metaphorically poke me several times. I have come to realize that she is projecting her misery onto me because I am the safest person in the family to be mad at. Any words of wisdom are welcome. I am so fed up. I have considered making the food and leaving it with them and then going back to my office and hanging out there until they are both in bed like for the next two years for the two weekdays they are around.
she doesnt eat at all,,simple
she doesnt eat at all,,simple as that! she can either waste her own money on ordering in or she eats whats made for the house hold or doesnt eat at all. she is using MH as an excuse to divide and conquer everyone in the family
I don’t know why I care so much. It’s such BS
Yes you are so right! I wish I didn't get so sucked in. Need to work on detaching again. I didn't eat with her tonight. I put the food on the table and my HBD came back to my office to eat with me so I think she got that we don't want to spend time with her when she acts like a brat! I felt bad for the youngest.
She's 17, if she doesn't like
She's 17, if she doesn't like dinner, she knows how to make a sandwich. I make dinner almost every night, SD(1 month away from being 17) asks me if she had to eat the vegetables... i look at her for a while before answering, i decide to say yes (i couldn't care less if she ate her vegetables, i really couldn't, but i wanted to see where this would go, why did she ask at almost 17 years old if she had to eat her veggies? Just don't eat them, am i going to go rummage through the trash to see if you the them out? Like seriously wtf?) So i told her yes, to eat the veggies. She then continued about how i don't make DD18 eat her vegetables (she's a f*cking adult. Could you imagine me telling an 18yo she can't leave the table till she eats her veggies? I always remind everyone to at least try the vegetables.) She literally was throwing a fit over my 4 word sentence "yes, eat the vegetables"
I eventually said "SD throw them away then, i don't care" she has never asked before if she had to eat them before, that was weirdest thing ever.... and she doesn't get embarrassed acting that way. What 17 year old says "you don't make heerrrrr do it." She literally makes me sick.
wow same kid?
Wow! My 17 SD does the same thing! Still calls her mom mommy. Still asks if she can watch TV or go to her room. It's uber weird. I told my DH that she is so dependent that he better start teaching her to look after herself or she will literally be expecting him to take care of her for the rest of her life!. She doesn't cook, isn't interested in learning how to drive, doesn't do laundry, basically does nothing except sit and look at her phone and watch hours of TV. She actually thinks she is going to college next year. Wonder what will happen when she calls her mom " mummy," with her new adult friends in first-year college. GAWD! I am just so dumbfounded that neither the BM nor the DH is worried that she is really f up. The BM encourages the dependency because her two short relationships since the divorce haven't worked out so she told her D that she can live with her forever!. I am now telling my DH that he should tell her that when the youngest SD is done high school that she should live permanently with her mummy! It's either that or we are changing cities so I can get the hell away from this brat!. They can always visit.
Love the sandwich idea!!
Super I plan on telling her just that when I am around ... I will also let my DH know that this is probably the best option rather than running around freaking out because he doesn't know what to do about dinner!
Every day when we wake up we
Every day when we wake up we have the power to change things we do not like in our lives.
You can start by no longer caring if she approves of what you cook and how it's heated. Place a loaf of bread, a jar of PB and a jar of jam on the counter on top of a plate w/ a knife. Cook what you want, how you want and if she won't eat tell her "that is your choice. make a sammich if you are not eating the prepared meal tonight" then drop it. If Dad rushes to save a brat and buy her food, keep a running total of $$ spent by him when she refuses to eat. At the end of the month show him what he's spending then take the same amount and spend it on yourself.
When she has a tizzy and threatens self harm, tell Dad you are very concerned and plan to call 911 because you don't want her to hurt herself or worse. If it happens again, call. Remind Daddy that her safety is key and a threat to kill herself must be taken seriously at all times.
When the eyes roll when you speak to her, ask if her eyes hurt. Does she need glasses? then ignore.
When she refuses to speak around "her" tell her that's fine. Then ignore.
She uses this crap to get attention and to ice you out. Don't let her. Spend your good effort on her sister or on yourself. Take you two out for lunch, leave little Miss Snarky home. Treat sister to a new hairdo, a make over, a movie. Live your best life, leave her sitting in her snit.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
threats
Totally agree with you! I let my DH know just that - that the next time she threatens to drink bleach or jump off the bridge 911 will be called. We ended up having two emergency meetings one with the BM who downplayed the whole thing and then with the SD counsellor. Oddly ( but not really) the SD hasn't threatened since. Geese... no surprises there. She is just feigning for attention. I think she may even be Borderline. I love your ideas about money. It turns out that DH came to me and complained about not being able to pay the bills last year because we were spending too much money on eating out. This was when I gave up trying to feed them one SD ED and the other SD17 with a huge attitude. I said what did you think was going to happen if you kept eating in???
So now it's obvious that the SD wants it to go back which is why she doesn't eat what I make. I love the sandwich idea. I think I will tell my DH to tell her to do that. Frankly, I am just done with it. I will still help my DH out because I can cook he can't and works very long days ( i don't) BUT I will just leave it in the fridge and stay at my place. We have the good fortune of owning 2 places and I plan on staying there a lot more while they are around. SD 17 is old enough to know better and I have no interest in trying to be in a relationship with her.
911 should be called.
Being hauled off in the stylish canvas leather buckled funny jacket in the back of the padded van for a few days of medicated suicide watch by people who don't GAF about anything but not letting her kill herself may be just the ticket to give this Skid clarity.
I may care, and generally I do, but for damned sure the Skid would not hurt themselves or even threaten to hurt themselves during their time with my family, in my home, without a decidedly unpleasant consequence.
A weekend at the happy farm on suicide watch, having their school nurse informed that they need to be on suicide watch while at school, having their stomach pumped or given ipecac to force them to puke their guts out after threatening or attempting to poison themselves, living under the ever present and highly restrictive hairy eyeball among those consequences where appropriate.
The Funny Farm
I really hope for her sake it doesn't come to that. Having worked in mental health I honestly think she would be traumatized forever!!!. Given that SD has been incredibly sheltered and coddled for her whole life!! But it's ultimately SD decision and there is no way in hell I will be responsible for threats of that nature in my home without a consequence. SD is on warning with her counsellor and BM. Next time no phone call to BM just 911!
she is 17..let her make her
she is 17..let her make her own meals.. great practice for adulthood. not your monkey.. not your circus.
100% My children don't always
100% My children don't always like the meals I cook... so I told them to make their own meal that night... but I ALSO don't want to clean up another meal worth of dishes, so either wash up after, or make it SIMPLE, like a sandwhich... I also had a time every summer that each child makes one meal a week for the family. It can't be repeating meals, they have ot come up with just one meal a week... not so hard,
Wowza
SD 17 has everyone walking on eggshells and everyone is taught to skirt around the poor victim SD.
YAWN, thats exactly what you do next time she throws a tantrum. Put the lil manipulator on ignore.
My DD won't eat red meat or
My DD won't eat red meat or pork. She just has always hated both, since she was a toddler If I make something she doesn't like, she asks if she can cook for herself (I always say yes) and she will cook a meal for her. Good on her. The way I see it is, she is 14, she can cook, that is an important skill. Certain meat is a thing for her, but the rest of the family isn't going to NOT eat something because she doesn't like it. Whatever, she still sits down and eats dinner with us as a family and it is what it is.
Keep a jar of sauce and pasta in the pantry. She can make pasta if she doesn't like what you cooked. Simple, not a big mess and she can do it herself.
Jar of Pasta
What a great idea! that's all my SD will eat!!. I will be sure to buy lots of cans of pasta sauce and pasta for her to be the standby.
Creating a MONSTER
Your DH sounds like hes codding and catering and creating a MONSTER. And allowing you to be disrespected in the name of Mental Health is ludicrous. SD22 Feral Forger did that and still does that. 15 is a bad age Im finding, but this one is 17 but still she needs to respect the people that are supporting her lazy entitled rude a$$.
I would live separately and stay married and have "date nights". She sounds super extreme, no wonder you are upset. After things have cooled a little bit, time to strategise. YOU do nothing for her anymore. No more cooking or cleaning or anything at all. AND you get that "order in" taken off the table. She wants something either she makes it or daddy-cakes does. If hes that bad of a cook she will not like it lol. You need to hardcore disengage. Daddy-cakes wants to talk about something to do with her, refuse to engage, and either change the subject or walk away. Focus your energies on the people who show you respect. You will have nothing more to do with snotty teen sd. Period. Take yourself out and younger sd, have a "girls day", leave snotty-cakes home. I did this with SD15.5 when she was younger, and left SD22 feral forger at home. She got upset once when we attempted to sneak out, and cried. I invited her she said no and stayed in her room. Now she gets mad at SD15 and calls her the golden child and has this fun triangulatin "everyone loves you and hates me, poor victim-me" with her sister. Guess what, my give a f@ck is on empty. Sd22 FF also used to threaten suicide. First few times, at 15, she got to go have a valentines day with us. That was not a fun sunset to watch. The rest of the times, we just kind of dont react, because she sais it so often.
Foodwise - Luckily SD15.5 likes anything and everything. I cook, DH cooks, and if theres something she doesnt want, she will not put it on her plate. Ive stopped "plating meals", and we go cafeteria style. Im trying to encourage her to learn how to make her own meals..but for now she subsists on what we cook or leftovers.
When SD22 Feral was with us she was "pescatarian", what a pain. DH catered and coddled her "dietary restrictions" so much. Now she doesnt have that and guess what? She eats meat now.
Creating a monster and detaching!
Tonight I brought food over that I made and dropped it off on the counter. SD came to me and asked me if I was staying for dinner as I did not yesterday. I said No. SD then asked ' did I do something wrong? No, I just don't feel like it and I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. SD then texted me and said the spaghetti was really good ( lie because the meatballs were gross bad recipe). I texted you are welcome and left it at that. I have decided no more sharing meals together. If I don't step in the boxing ring I can't get punched. I refuse to keep going into the ring and then getting angry when I get punched. God knows my DH is not able to give her consequences other than to make her say sorry. Now don't get me wrong, it's way better because before SD would not even do that for years! DH finally understands that SD can't keep doing these things however he does not understand the words accountability, boundaries or consequences for bad behaviour. He worries that he will rage so he avoids the situation. I realized today that I don't have to be nice to this BRAT! That the natural consequence for brat behaviour should be " I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore and I married my DH not the brat. The SD has made zero effort to get to know me even though I have known her since she was 12 years old. During lock down we met regulary on Fridays to play games and watch TV. The youngest SD always tried despite her sister refusing to come out of her room. The youngest SD and I did yoga, played games with the DH and got to know each other. Of course, the SD 17 got jealous and put pressure on the youngest because I had to go through the attitude with that SD too, however, this year she has stayed out of it and remained neutral. At 17 and half years old SD Is old enough to know better about the way that she behaves and everyone in her life acts like she is a pathetic victim that has a pass on bad behaviour because she has OCD! Well, I have worked with plenty of kids with OCD and they don't act like SD. The bottom line is she wants me out of the picture. She has managed to chase away BM two partners since the divorce so I am sure SD thinks it's only a matter of time before she breaks us up. I realized today that I actually have way more power than I think because DH isn't going to choose her because she is an utter dependent who makes his life and everyone else's miserable. I realized I don't have to be nice or kind to someone who continues to attack, disrespect and act passive-aggressive towards me just because she is my DH kid. Not at all. In fact, I don't have to have anything to do with her. She will need to work at anything she will have with me because she has spent too long taking from my life. Since she is utterly the laziest person I have ever known I won't hold my breath for her to work on it. She refuses to communicate with me so I am done with it.
Too funny! thanks for that
" Guess what, my give a F@ck is on empty!!! LMAO! thanks for that. That is the first time I have laughed in a while. Usually, I'm mad or crying. There is really no hope for this situation and I have been in thick denial about it. SD did get better on the medication and "pretended to be nicer." But the hairs on the back of my neck were always standing because I know that SD does not have a genuine bone in her body when it comes to me.
Yes, strategize! I love it.
Here is what I am going to try
When they come over - stay at my house and go back over there to sleep with my husband. This has worked beautifully.
Make the food on his busy workdays and keep it in the fridge and he will have to warm it up and plate it or toss it to them. I really don't care. I will make what I love and he will have to deal with the drama on his end. I won't help him anymore with her BS!!!. We both commit to never ordering in unless it's an exception like a treat once or 2x a year. Our finances really did take a hit so he isn't going to argue with that. Thanks to COVID he has lost money.
As far as laundry - I am going to ask him why he isn't getting SD17 .5 to do her own gawd dam laundry at 17 and half???? she only keeps two sets of clothes at his house anyway.
I love your idea of when he brings SD up just nodding and changing the subject. Yes Yes Yes!!!!!!!!! This kid takes up WAY too much space in my head and life. I just don't give a sH@t anymore. It's been six years of torture.
Glad that made you laugh
Sometimes we need to laugh it all off.
Its called disengagement, and some call it "Nacho Method", meaning nacho kid nacho problem. Yeah, you can couch things if needed "its in her best interest!!"
you can come up with ways of
you can come up with ways of stopping the needy SD talk when he starts "oh hon, I fotgot to tell you..guess who I ran into" "hon, not to interupt but before I forget did you hear about the new <name or place here> they're opening?" "Hon, let's go do something for us this weekend. maybe a movie? what do you think" "sweet did you ever ... go to/see/hear/anythingbut SDtalk?
This is not complicated unless you facilitate the complexity.
She eats what everyone else eats. PERIOD. DOT.
No ordering in unless that is what is for dinner for everyone and... she gets no say in where it is ordered from. She eats what is available from the place that YOU/DH choose to order from.
Kids will not hold out for long when they are painfully hungry and thristy. Their choice.
She is a toxic victim and that choice by her cannot be tolerted to draw everyone else into her chosen victimhood.
Keep it stupid simple. KISS.
Which is what your DH needs clarity on. Eat or not. SD's choice. She does not get to make everyone else in the home and family jump through their own asses backwards.
I like your words. Keep
I like your words. Keep repeating it in your head. And make plans when he's got his girls. Don't sit home and wallow. Go see a movie, call a friend and have a supper out, reorganize your home, anything.
you said: If I don't step in the boxing ring I can't get punched. I refuse to keep going into the ring and then getting angry when I get punched.
keep thinking it.