Should I allow SD over for the holidays?

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Hello!

my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. His ex is a Jehovah's Witness and as they fell pregnant when she was a teenager, the family demanded they get married. My husband (being 17 at the time and having little to no family support) refused, and in so doing, the mother family put a big stop to him being involved. He wasn't allowed at the birth (he didn't actually find out she was pregnant until she was around 7months pregnant, through a mutual friend) wasn't allowed on the birth certificate, didn't know where they lived and finally they moved out of the area and that put a stop to him ever being involved.

fast forward 16 years, he is now my husband, we have two children together and have built a nice life. He got a message out of the blue from his daughter and he embraced it with open arms. As did I. When she got in contact she was living with her friend as she really didn't get along with her mother at the time. That was short lived, now she's back with her.

I came from a broken home and felt like I could be a decent SM. We met, initially got along and my children really like her.

she has however I've noticed lied so many time. He mother says she lied often and has even stolen from her. She called my husband to say she was attacked in a shop, but there was no record when we called the owners to investigate (she was in her school uniform, I'm sure they would have noticed). She has lied about a miscarriage (something I find truly awful) and has said that her mother has miscarried 5 times in one year - I don't know if this is the case, but after everything I just don't know what to believe.

that's the background- onto my main issue today. As mentioned, her mother is a JW however her daughter doesn't wish to follow this path.

I am not really struggling with the thought of having to have her here ever holiday. I thought I could do it - but the first one has been and it was just awful. I feel so uncomfortable around her, I didn't feel happy at all. Of course I played along, laughing playing games, bought all her gifts, cooked dinner and faked it all. At the end of the day, I went in the bathroom and sobbed like I never have before.

Is this it now? Is this my life? Will I ever feel ok... I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I just want to grab my kids and run for the hills. I feel like this now isn't my home. I am mourning the loss of my previous life and never got to say goodbye. I'm heartbroken today, and feel so guilty for these feelings.

should I sacrifice my happiness in the hopes it may get better? Suck it up because after all "I knew he had a daughter" & "I knew he was a package deal" ? Right? Wrong... he wasn't a package deal. It's so much easier said than done.

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The good news is she is 16,

The good news is she is 16, that means there isn't that much longer before she needs to be expected to grow up and start contributing to the life she wants.

I would suggest starting to talk to your husband about the future and how he plans to help her launch and what your financial and emotional caps are. How are her grades? What are her plans for college or trade school? Where does she want to live after graduation? Those are all the things you need to find out and set your boundaries for. Even as a bio parent, we need to have expectations for our kids! This is just different because she came into your lives as a teen.

This is tough.. while she is

This is tough.. while she is in some ways a stranger to all of you... I'm sure her father feels some obligation to step up and be a father for her.. and probably is trying in some ways to make up for the fact that he missed so much of her life.

I know her family sounds like they tried to keep him away.. but on the flip side, it doesn't seem like he pursued his rights as a father.. was somewhat "ok" with walking away before.

I do think you need to decide on how you will deal with things like requests for large ticket items or favors. He doesn't get to throw the rest of the family over just because she has asked something. She needs to fit into your home's set up.. not force your home to change for hers.

The lies.. sound a bit like attention grabbing.. but it's absolutely possible there is some truth behind them. She may be looking to guilt him into helping her.. making him feel sorry for her etc..

I think somene said he should ensure paternity...as a base level of connection.

But, after that, given the circumstances.. it sounds like he and she need to spend some time getting to know each other.. understanding expectations.. what she wants from him at this point when she is nearly grown etc...

I do think it would be generous to include her in celebrations but only if her behavior is reasonable and acceptable. If she is only a disruptive bad influence.. I don't think you need to expose the younger kids at that point.. dad can take her out for a "chirstmas" (not on the same day).. lunch or something to exchange gifts.

I agree with my husband not

I agree with my husband not pursing a relationship with her part. He's an incredible father to our two children - I know he'd fight a lion to be in their lives. I put it down to him being a stupid teen with no resource to fight for her... that being said, I do resent him for it. It has rocked my confidence in him. It's brought up so many questions about who I married.
he is now however a completely different man to who was then. I remember when we had our little girl, he cried for what seemed like an age saying he was sad about his daughter that he never knew.

This..........

"She needs to fit into your home's set up.. not force your home to change for hers."

this says it all from ESMOD ,,, most valuable advice!!

She does pretty well in

She does pretty well in school as far as we are aware. As my husband has no legal rights, he's not been allowed to talk to the school nor has the mother given authority.l for him to speak with them.
It's pretty much their terms. We have just got this teenagers in our house, my husband is a good man so he's trying his best - but we are at a loss. It's ridiculous that out of all these things I'm worried about, the holidays are the things I get most choked up about.

At this point I would avoid

At this point I would avoid trying to get legal rights or establishing paternity. There is no telling what would happen in court with back child support. Wait until she is 18 to do anything. At that point she can decide what she wants for her life- if you are willing and able to have her live with you.

Courts are very slippery and depending on the mood of the judge he can really make things hard for your family. If you wait until she is 18, do the paternity test, they can petition the court to have his name added for a couple of hundred bucks in court fees, no attorney needed.

Excellent point!

She is the absolute double of

She is the absolute double of my husband. It's like looking in a mirror... but husband has always felt guilt in not being there for her. Now she's here, I think he would flip his lid if I suggested a DNA test.
He has no rights at all. BM refused to have him on the birth certificate

There are things that just

There are things that just don't add up. Her family insisted on marriage because she was pregnant? How come he only learned of the pregnancy when she was 7 months along? How come, if they were having sex he didn't notice sooner? And if her family knew sooner, why did they wait so long to demand marriage? And looks mean little - when you look for likenesses, you'll find them... Does the date of presumed conception at least fit with when they were having sex?

Personally, I wouldn't be happy having her in my home, not with her history of lying (does she get that from her mother do you think?). Add to that the fact that she has no legal right to be there and that she's looking to your dh for a way out of her current life... Well, how long before she works out that she'd get a lot more out of him if you weren't around? Watch your back.

Above all, I hope I'm wrong.

Thank you

thanks for your comment.

to answer a few of your questions. From my understanding-

- they broke up suddenly. A few months past and a friend said "didn't realise your ex was pregnant". It played on my DH mind and turned up at their house to ask questions (she refused his calls). He was let in and his ex was there obviously pregnant and she confirmed he was the father, but wanted to go alone so didn't say.
the family then said they could make it work, if marriage was on the table, but by all accounts they both refused that. He was pretty much told to leave then and there.
refused access, wasn't told she was in Labor (found out through a mutual friend), then refused to put him on birth certificate and moved shortly after. As a kid himself, he just didn't know how to fight something like that.

SD always seems to be nice to me, and more demanding towards him. I do feel like she's trying to keep me on her good side (for now at least)

it's all just very overwhelming and I miss my little family unit

Demand that he get a paternity test.

The veracity of his X and her family is so suspect that I would not accept anything less.

Good luck.

What I don't understand is

What I don't understand is why her parents didn't go after him as soon as they knew she was pregnant. Premarital sex being a HUGE sin for Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm also surprised they wanted him to marry her seeing as he isn't a JW.

Your DH needs to tell BM and

Your DH needs to tell BM and his daughter that he'll have a relationship with her on his terms. Those terms need to be him visiting with her outside your home until he has established a relationship with her. Then you two can discuss her coming over for holidays, dinners, etc.

Your DH feels guilty. Whether he should or not is hard to say. He had fully-grown adults working against him as a teen, and never being able to establish paternity was a nail in the coffin of him being SD's daughter. It's fine that he feels guilt and remorse. It's NOT okay to throw his entire family into turmoil in order to assuage that guilt.

If SD really wants a relationship with her dad, she'll be open to taking it slow with him. They can go out to dinner a few times a month. They should go to therapy together. Really, with him not having rights to SD, it's a minefield for him to have SD in your mutual home or have her visit for any extended length of time because it could bite him in the arse.

Basically, he isn't SD's parent, but that doesn't mean he can't have a relationship with her. It will just look different and shouldn't involve you and your young kids (at least not yet). If BM sees this as help for her lying, troubled teen - tough cookies to her. Your DH is NOT her savior for her and her family's mistakes.

Stand your ground. Tell your DH you support him having a relationship, but he needs to establish it on his own before involving others. If he feels guilty, he needs to talk to a therapist. He doesn't get to sacrifice your sanity to make himself feel better.

Until his name is on her birth cert and a paternity test

Confirms he is the dad, she is a stranger and if you don't feel comfortable about strangers, then she doesn't set foot in.

if she is his child and paternity test confirms it, sje needs to respect basic house rules, if she can't, your husband has to manage this relationship outside your home. I have requested this of my husband many yrs ago because of the severe disrespect and invasion of privacy and lack of boundaries of our marriage and my 2 little kids who were 1 & 2.5 at the time.

I don't think he has anything

I don't think he has anything to feel guilty for personally, he did the best thing for her by walking away, under those circumstances. They would have fought hard and refused to allow him any kind of relationship with her. In my mind, he effectively "put her up for adoption". I would not have any issue with what he chose to do, especially considering he was only 17. The mother had the option of filing for Child Support and allowing custody time, and clearly never did.

Now that she's back, neither of you have to welcome her home with open arms - she can have a limited role in your family life, and he can see her on his own.

Good luck.