Feel Bad For Feeling Jealous
Hello! I'm new to this website so I'm glad there's even a website like this because a lot of my friends doesn't have the problems I'm going through. So let's lay it all out!
I am currently 25 years old and I am in a relationship with my 26 year old boyfriend (together for a year and 4 months as of today) and he has a 3 year old daughter. I wouldn't consider myself a "stepmom" because I'm not married, and the word "mom" gives me anxiety! I love my boyfriend! He treats me right (of course we have arguments) our relationship isn't perfect but we get through our problems. It's just this one problem that I am having with myself. Before coming into this relationship I never seen myself taking a guy w/ a kid seriously because I knew I wasn't ready for kids rather it was mine or not kids just wasn't in the picture. Then I met my boyfriend and it started w/ us just hanging out nothing too serious but I caught feelings for him which then turned into us being in a relationship. I thought to myself I really like him so I won't let him having a kid bother me. Then we moved in together earlier this year and that's when sh*T hit the fan! The BM is a headache! She's bitter and I think to myself "do I want this in my life" their arguments sometimes affect our relationship. But the kid. She's a pretty okay kid she's extremely spoiled, extremely bratty and whenever he gives me attention she starts whining blah blah. I get it she's only 3 but it's annoying. I beat myself up for even thinking like that but that's how I feel! When she comes over she sleeps in her own lil bed because I'm not comfortable with her sleeping in our bed plus I don't wanna get kicked all night. But some way some how she finds her way to come and sleep under her Daddy. I'm not going to lie I get jealous! I don't like seeing him show anyone that kind of attention or affection but it's his daughter for God sakes! I wouldn't say I'm jealous of the lil girl I'm just jealous of how he shows her so much attention and whenever she's around I don't get much attention because she shows her bratty ways. Am I selfish for thinking that way? I wish I was strong enough to deal with a man who has a kid but sometimes I feel like I'm not mature enough for it but I don't wanna end things with my boyfriend. I'm confused on what I should do. Has anyone gotten over these problems? If so how? Should I just leave and he finds someone who is more mature? Please help
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My advice is to find a guy
My advice is to find a guy without kids. What you are feeling is that he's put you in competition with his daughter for his affection, because he has. In a healthy situation, there are clear boundaries and they are maintained, for example, one boundary would be that your bed is for you two. If she needs comfort in the night, he takes her back to her bed and gets her settled there. Another example would be that if you two are talking or being affectionate, he doesn't allow her to interrupt. At the same time, he would spend uninterrupted time with her where you aren't involved.
3-year-olds are needy and of course he has to be her parent, and often those needs will come first. But everything she WANTS shouldn't come first.
Sounds to me like he's simply not a great parent and doesn't set boundaries well, and your instincts are seeing that and you are interpreting that as jealousy. Read on these boards about how it works out when fathers put their daughters first over their partners. It doesn't get better - the older they get the worse it gets.
you know, relationships are
you know, relationships are like pants. you don't usually luck out with the perfect fit the first pair you find. you may be okay with the way the ass fits but the legs look weird or the length is right but they sag or some other thing you know you won't be comfortable with in the long run. That's how relationships can be. You may find one that fits when it's just you and he but once that weekend visit hits you're not happy with the fit.
And that is okay. I repeat: that is okay. Give your relationship thought, where do you see it in 5 years when that little kiddo is 8? Can you handle her at 8 or 10 or 13?
It's okay to know you don't think you can. It's okay if you think you can. It's got to be the best fit for you before you.
jealous
It's one thing to be Jealous for no reason. But it's another thing to be Jealous for a real reason. You have a reason to be Jealous. This whole thing of your BF not parenting his kid. I.e. Not making her sleep in her own bed will not change. He will never parent her the right way .
You see the writing on the wall. As it's never going to change. As SD gets older it's only going to get worst. There is a reason your BF and his ex split. Unless she is just crazy, your BF had some falt in the splitting. And if she is crazy he did not see that ?
Time to make a exit plan and find someone with out kids and an ex.
Thank you! I thought my
Thank you! I thought my reasoning wasn't valid and it's me being selfish but really appreciate when people tell me I'm not wrong for feeling how I feel! Thank you so much
"she finds her way to come
"she finds her way to come and sleep under her Daddy"
You shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as an unrelated child. Imagine the kind of accusations BM could dream up and issue because of that! Ask your bf how he'd feel if his daughter was in bed with her mother and her latest man ...
Find someone else. This is
Find someone else. This is just the tip of the iceberg. It gets worse.
I appreciate everyone's
I appreciate everyone's comments and advice! They are all so lovely and I'll take every one of them in consideration! Thank you all
At 25...
I had a degree and was thinking of my career moves.
I say this with the best of intentions. And Im going to give you some homework. There will not be any quizzes, but the final exam is the entirety of your grade for this class called "your life in stepworld".
Really take some time to think about this relationship. Read others posts on here. Look up the term mini-wife, go check out the forums. Take notes and do the research. Do the reading, not just the comments on your post.
As to your topic:
1. no you are not 'jealous' your partner has elevated his child above you in status.
2. Its a natural feeling - this kid is not yours and not related to you.
3. Do not co-sleep with this child. As was mentioned, things can and do get wonky.
4. There are several red flags that will get even redder over time -
- She's a pretty okay kid she's extremely spoiled, extremely bratty and whenever he gives me attention she starts whining.
- The BM is a headache! She's bitter and I think to myself "do I want this in my life" their arguments sometimes affect our relationship.
- whenever she's around I don't get much attention because she shows her bratty ways.
In my opinion really think about "is this the man I want to build a family with". Do you want children of your own? If yes, consider that his daughter will herself get jealous. You will ALWAYS be "in competition" for this mans affection and attention. And if you have kids, then they will always be last after SD. Shes a mini-wife in the making.
You have your whole life ahead of you. I would start getting your finances set up to start living a separate life. Move out. Date him. See how things progress. But start doing the work to figure things out.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.