My SO is unbothered by his family's preferring BM
I cannot believe it but it seems I care more about his aunt in particular preferring BM more than he does. His youngest cousins graduated recently. For the ceremony BM was invited and not SO; because of the limited tickets they had. My SO was unbothered by it; I found out about it on scoail media (the BM invite not the graduation). He basically said that they are friends and he cannot tell them not to be friends and that we should just mind our business.
And BM and his aunt also do celebrate Shabbat weekly together it is just that last time he went to it. Again he is completely unbothered by this. His reasoning for not going is because he does not want to leave work early to sit for hours in rush hour traffic to get there. His assessment of the close relationship is that he was never really close to his aunt and family and BM was the one who really drove in the connection when they migrated to the US. Apparently they are also not the most fun group to be around so it is not a big deal and I should just leave it alone.
My SO's parents and a few other family are coming to the US in a few days time to celebrate the cousin's graduation with a big party. I am guessing BM will be invited again. This will be my first time meeting his non-US based family and I have told him that I will not attend joint events with BM because I do not think it is fair that I meet and get to know them under the eyes of BM. He basically said that he couldn't control what his parents or aunt did concerning BM. But he agreed that I would meet them without BM present.
I just do not get why he is so nonchalant about them hanging out with her more than him. I do wonder if he would be the same about his parents hanging out with BM because perhaps his aunt isn't his type of people and he genuinely doesn't wish to be more inclined than his already. But then he gets the cousin a $1k necklace for graduation; which I wouldn't spend that on someone I was not extremely close to and was also family. To be fair he is a very laid back, fun type of a person and this is probably how he approaches all his relationships. Which is exciting when it comes to non-serious stuff but not serious stuff.
- autumn_raynes's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think it's fine for him to
I think it's fine for him to be nonchalant about BM spending time with his family; however, it's NOT fine for him to just expect you to accept it as well and join in the fun.
I would have no issue with BM and the aunt having a relationship - I would have an issue with BM being at every family event that I went to. What's concerning here is that he's expecting you to just go along with it.
OY
Isnt that jewish?
True you cannot control who his family is friends with. However because BM is so involved it just makes you even more of an outsider. Throw in BM and shabat thingy and the different language and you are at a great disadvantage.
You do realize no matter what, you will continue to be the outsider. The family will never really give you a chance. Your DH doesnt seem to care. He should though cause it is upsetting to you. He seems more concerned that BM has her network than your feelings.
Please lady, think about it.
He sounds like a fun easy non serious BF, NOT a good DH when it comes to things that matter to you.
This will always be an issue. Is this worth it in the long haul?
No thanks to be a sister wife amongst people you have nothing in common with.
How would DH like it that at every family event of yours your ex was there, your family always celebrating with him ? Not to mention celebrating stuff that is alien to him in another language.?
We all know what we can tolerate.
Probably won't change
Hi there! My DH had a daughter with BM and they did not get married. I came along 4 years later. When DH and I got married, my MIL told me she always wanted BM as her DIL. And that's pretty much what has happened. BM is their family, not me, and we have been married for 25 years with two sons together. I just came to the realization that although DH and BM never married, I am still considered/treated as the 2nd wife. The in-laws and BM do holidays together, shopping, vacations, hang out. It makes it incredibly difficult to develop a relationship with MIL and FIL with that happening. In fact, I have stopped trying. I focus on being around people who love me and want to be with me.
Relationships are hard.
Relationships are hard. period. The more complexity we introduce to that equation.. the tougher it can become and in the end... many find that love is not enough to overcome.
What you are describing sounds difficult.
Your BF's family is of a different cultural/ethnic/religious background (or a combination thereof). His EX shares that background with his family and it is a fairly small community for them here.
Steplife also makes things difficult without the above complications.
While I don't, in theory have an issue with adults forming and maintaining their own relationships.. it sounds like the tight knit nature of his community means that the ties may be stronger and it may mean that when you attend family events for the broader family unit.. they may include his EX. I know that may be doubly difficult because you don't share that background with them.. you are already an outsider before you add the other complications of his EX.
Your BF doesn't appear to be overly concerned about having his EX at these events.. and he is correct in not trying to manage his family's relationships.
I think it would be important for him to try to ensure you have ample opportunity to forge your own connections with his family not in his Ex's presence... but he will probably be unable to bar her from attendance at functions he is not hosting.
I know my brother was married to a woman who was not the same ethnic/cultural as him. I know that was one of the reasons they didn't make it. Family can have a big influence and if you are an outsider.. that makes things difficult at times... especially when there are language differences etc..
I'm afraid this is one of those situations where there are going to be things out of your and his control that you will need to either learn to accept.. or deal with .. or make your list of pro and cons of the relationship and decide what cost is too high?
I guess Im lucky
MOST of Husband's family despises Toxic Troll and consider her beneath them. There are a few - I think 3 total out of over 50 that are still friends with her on fakebook.
You have a difficult position to eal with - BM is your SO's family and maybe your SO is ok with it, but the fact that you are not ok with it - well, time to REALLY consider how this will affect you in the future if you stay.
I would not be ok with this, it would eat me up.
Ultimately, neither of you
Ultimately, neither of you are wrong. He's not wrong for being non-chalant about the relationship his family has with the ex, and you're not wrong for not wanting to be involved in festivities where BM is present.
What you have to decide is if you are okay with taking the stance that you just won't attend those events. Your SO is right - he can't force his family to cut off BM, and if BM isn't causing issues in your relationship, there's little reason for him to ask that she not be involved. He can decline to participate or he can participate while you don't. If you don't like those options, or if he doesn't, then you can part ways in this relationship. You'd be incompatible, and that's why most relationships end or don't progress.
I think if you two were married, shared kids, and/or BM used his family to hurt him and you, you could make the case that he needs to change his attitude. Even then, though, you can't force him to behave differently. You'd still be left with the options of accepting the situation for what it is OR leaving the relationship.
We can't force our partners to do what we want them to. We can offer our opinion and request aa change. If they aren't interested, then it's on us to decide if we can live with that.
I definitely agree that this
I definitely agree that this is unlikely to change.
I guess I am surprised that they excluded him from the graduation ceremony in preference of BM and he doesn't seem to care. I thought I was the outsider but he was excluded as well. It is like BM is the niece and SO is the nephew in law. I just don't get that dynamic because I would not be okay if any of my family invited my ex to an event over me.
By your account of this.. he
By your account of this.. he was not particularly close to this Aunt. It's not abnormal for cousins etc.. to not attend things like graduations. It is different from your "immediate" family that might include his siblings.. parents. So, he isn't invited or interested in going to a graduation for some relatives that he has not had a close relationship with. His EX is a close friend of this relative and the relative's children.. I think it makes sense that you invite people closest to you and that may not always be a blood relative.
I've said it on another post
I've said it on another post before, but family is a verb, not a noun. It sounds like your SO hasn't been overly involved with his aunt and her family, and it doesn't sound like he cares that much that he hasn't been. They may truly not be his people. So, while he's a family member, he's not a member of the family. BM is more involved, so she gets family status over SO.
My DH has a very rocky relationship with his mom because of how enmeshed she became with BM. DH also has a rocky relationship with his brother because his brother is not someone he finds palatable (and neither do I). He doesn't expect them to treat him like family, and he doesn't treat them much like family, either. I found it a bit odd when we first got together, but now I just accept that this is how it's going to be. He misses out on things, as do they, and while he wishes it were different, he doesn't regret his decisions. We all have finite time on this planet, and he's not interested in competing for love with people that he doesn't particularly like (and have shown wavering respect).
I do understand that this is extra raw because of BM, but you have to view BM in this situation more like a family friend than an ex. If BM weren't around, SO likely still wouldn't have been invited because he's just not close to them. It doesn't sound like BM is the reason for that; he's just not "their people".
Perhaps my definition and
Perhaps my definition and perception of close family is different from his. But this has definitely given me a new perspective to assess this from. I am definitely going to observe if it the same with his parents or not.
I just know I would not be okay if this was my family.
Instead of focusing on the
Instead of focusing on the relationship your BF's ex may have with his extended family.. I think it would be more important to focus on how you are treated and included by them.. .and what kind of relationship develops over time. (you obviously don't go from zero to fully included member).
It's also good to focus on the relative closeness your BF has with the extended family and how much interraction they have on a regular basis.
I mean, perhaps he isn't super close knit with them.. he doesn't socialize with them, except for the rare occasion? If that is the case, this isn't likely to be an issue that is pervasive and inescapable for you. Not everyone is part of a close family. in your history, extended aunts, uncles, cousins are included and you all are close. In my family? we are spread throughout the country.. I have only passing knowledge/relationships with them. My father was military so we traveled and never were part of day to day lives.. but our family isn't the kind to have regular get togethers for extended family.. My uncle (dad's younger brother) is really the only one that has maintained much closeness. and he lives states away. I know you are viewing everything with a lens that is tinted with your own experiences, but try to be more open to the fact that your BF may not have the same family connections you have. It doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with him.. and in fact.. given your different backgrounds. it's likely that if he WERE more enmeshed with his family.. you wouldn't have been a potential partner option for him. So, there is more than one side to the coin.
So, again, take a neutral open minded view.. reserve judgement if possible and be open to meeting these people and judge your relationship on those terms. Even his EX.. it may be interesting to get to know more about her as well... as long as she is not an enemy of you and your relationship.. acting to undermine.. it may not be the end of the world to see her in passing occasionaly.
I get what you are saying. My
I get what you are saying. My SO does celebrate Jewish holidays with his family and there are many Jewish holidays, birthdays and other life events and I know in the past they have gone on vacation post divorce (SO, BM and rest of the family). So I guess that is why I am confused as to where the boundaries are because it seems more up and down than steady.
I think you and your BF are
I think you and your BF are probably going to have more issues with your relationship because of his cultural/religious background and the fact that you don't share that with him or his family. Even if he is not particularly devout.. these holidays and religious celebrations still represent to some extent his family's social traditions and it's kind of like people who aren't devout Christians.. that celebrate Christmas with their families.. it has kind of transcended the original relegious meaning for many people (for better worse)
If his family is very traditional and devout, they likely will be disapointed with his not selecting a partner that shares his faith and background. I don't mean to be so negative, but it sounds like these traditions may be more central to these people's identity and family structure and you are an outsider and they will likely have a harder time truly welcoming you... they probably hoped he would end up with someone who would tether him more closely to his roots.
So, if they don't accept you, it's not really personal.. they would likely not be accepting of anyone that didnt' at least share their central faith. Like I said before. Relationships are hard. Steplife makes it harder and you have an additional level of difficulty in that you don't share a common background with his family.. that will be extra hard and it would likely be the same whether there was a BM around or not.
Generally yes
I agree with ESMOD - mostly. I don't have an issue with the Aunt and her closeness with BM as it doesn't seem like SO is close to the Aunt.
But it would be difficult and awkward for me to form a relationship with immediate family like parents if the BM was actually there LOL. Even in families that aren't close their are generally some events that everyone gathers for. I think her SO should discuss with his parents and say if they want to see BM seperately they can but any 'joint' events will be SO and OP only going forward. If SO wasn't willing to do that then I would question whether I wanted to participate.
One time we were with SO's extended family and they went off on a conversation tangent about SO's ex's family and who was at their wedding. It was inconsiderate and unnecessary to have that conversation in front of me. I excused myself to use the bathroom but later told SO I didn't appreciate that and next time would like his assistance in changing the topic of the convesation. So I don't blame the OP at all for being annoyed by BM's continued involvement with SO's family.
I understand this perspective
I understand this perspective, but I think if SO wants to dictate the invite list, then SO needs to host. It's pretty ballsy to say "don't invite this person to the event you're hosting", especially if that person is close to the rest of the family.
I do think this gets stickier if the person in question is toxic. However, the only person that you can control is yourself. What SO should be doing in this situation with his family visiting is host an event sans BM where his family can meet OP, which sounds like he might be doing.
BM is my inlaws favorite
BM is my inlaws favorite person in the world. She gets invites to every graduation, wedding, baby shower, birthday party, thanksgiving and holidays. DH gets ZERO. They made their choice. They picked her and in turn basically lost DH because he barely even talks to them. It used to be hurtful, now I could care less. They can keep her bum ass.
My MIL did this. She chose BM
My MIL did this. She chose BM at the expense of DH. My theory is that she saw that BM had the power over the SSs and she cared more about being a grandmother than she did about how she hurt her son.
Now, OSS is aged out and YSS lives with DH and I full-time. Guess who is upset that she doesn't get to see her grandkids? Yep. Sorry not sorry. She helped cause drama, and DH wants no part in it. She decided to help hurt her son, and that means he wants little to do with her.
Funny thing is that when Dh
Funny thing is that when Dh and I met, MIL begged me to be a "good partner" to her son because his BM was a wreck. Fast forward to us getting married and buying a house, all f a sudden BM is Mother Teresa and I am the devil spawn that stole her son from her. EFF off lady. She's in her late 80's and will be dropping dead soon. They better not call us asking for money to bury her ass. They better ask BM.
I agree that your SO can't
I agree that your SO can't dictate who his family chooses to hang out with. But...he can choose who *he* hangs out with. Now, he *could* celebrate Shabbat and other holidays at his home with you (idk if you are Jewish or plan to become.) He could also choose not to celebrate it or to find some other group to do it with and include you. But, if he really wants to keep doing it with this group and these things are happening frequently, it will negatively impact your quality of life if you stay with him.
I'm in a similar situation. This past weekend, my SO and I spent Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday with his family and now it's back to work. His family also speaks another language and prefers BM who is of their culture. I gave it hell all weekend. I cooked, cleaned, scrubbed, swept, wiped, hauled trash bags, moved furniture, tried my ass off to be someone they would accept. It seemed to be sort of getting better until last night i found myself sitting at the table, staring into my soup bowl while they talked amongst themselves in their language even though all of them at the table have been living in the US and speaking English longer than i have been alive. It's just easier for them i guess. It fucking hurts. I politely excused myself, got up and went in the other room. He got mad and i asked "how long should i be expected to sit there before i find some other way to occupy myself?" This shit never changes. It's not you. But it is miserable.
Dang
That is rude. As the hostess or even as a guest you would think they would have better manners towards you. . That is brutal. Your DH should be facilitating so everyone is included, and not commenting to you negatively. Sad really.
OP this may be/is you.
Same boat
My dh is the same fil and smil went for brunch etc at bms house (children weren't present) and left before my Dh and kids returned. Bm went to fils funeral with smil and was thanked for helping her through a difficult time. My dh hasn't seen his dad in 3 years. He died in March. Bm borrowed a lot of money off bil and still goes to see the family frequently without the children. I think it's really strange but my dh doesn't care at all. He's not close with his family he sees no reason why she shouldn't be.
I am close with mine and know if dh and I split my family would probably never see him again.