To have a baby or not to have a baby...
That is the question! DH and I have contemplated for the past two years whether or not we want to have a baby together. We each brough two children to this relationship, which let's be honest, it's a house full. But we are at a point financially that we can afford a baby and I am able to run my business from home about 75% of the time so I would have the time for a baby as well. My biggest holdup is that I'm almost 37 years old. Is that too old to have a baby and start all over? I ask myself this question every day. I have friends who are older than me who have just had or are pregnant with their first child. What really sucks is if we didn't have the skids 50% of the time I would be ready for another baby in a heartbeat. They just consume so much of my energy when they are here that I can't even imagine trying to take care of a newborn with them in the house.
My DH is all about having an "our" baby but his only issue with it is that if we did, his boys would share a bedroom. We have a large 5 bedroom house so right now all of our kids have their own rooms. His boys are only 17 months apart and shared a room until we moved into this house last year and they share a room at their mom's house. I don't see any problem with having them share a bedroom. My brothers were 5 years apart in age and shared a bedroom until I moved out of the house. A lot of siblings share bedrooms and they are the obvious choice to share a room. I have a DS13 and DD10 and it would be totally inappropriate for them to share a bedroom. My DS and SS12 are close in age but they are two very different people and I can not imagine making my son share a room with disgusting SS. DS's room is always organized and clean and everything has its place. He doesn't even like SS's going in his room because they somehow always manage to make a mess or break his things. Both SS's rooms are always a disaster - clothes everywhere, trash pushed under the bed, stains on the carpet, and just stinky!!
Any advice? WWYD? Should I just completely let go of the idea of having one more baby?
I am 38 and my husband is 40.
I am 38 and my husband is 40. We each brought 2 kids into our relationship as well. I do get the longing for a baby from the 2 of us, however, hell no.
Our youngest is 13. We are in the home stretch! We can have date nights without planning, we can go on fun trips and take the kids with us and do the "cool stuff". We have so much freedom and more is coming!!
I am really excited for this next phase of life. Even though it is hard to imagine my home without kids in it, I hope that in 10-15 years I will get to be grandma- Not room mom! Not shuffling sports practices. Not helping with homework that is over my head. I will get to do the fun stuff and send them home! LOL
I got my tubes tied after my daughter was born but would keep that thread of "hope" that if we ever wanted to we could reverse or do IVF and have a baby. I had a hysterectomy about a year and a half ago and knowing that it was over- babies are not an option was almost like this giant relief. Time to move on to the next stages of life.
I personally think a bedroom
I personally think a bedroom situation shouldn't keep you from having kids. They can tough it out for a few years. Also, it is super common for siblings to share bedrooms. There will be a big age gap between the "ours" baby and the SKs. That should give you some relief. We are expecting an "ours" baby in April. SD will be 11. She isn't happy about sharing a bathroom, but it will only be for a few years. Also, she shares everything at her BMs (bedroom, bathroom, etc.) so idk why it would be a huge difference at our house. If anything, I think it teaches kids to be respectful of others. A lesson my SD DESPERATELY needs.
Can I ask, and I don't mean
Can I ask, and I don't mean this to be judgy, I've just always wondered - why do people feel the need to have an "ours" baby when they already have two each? Just curious.
I also think you've already identified that it will be stressful for you due to the number of kids, I'd be very mindful of that.
Its just a normal progression of many relationships &
Marriages to celebrate that union with a baby so you have something that is the product of both of you. Its like saying well one of them has a baby and remarries but why on eart have an ours baby when 1 already has a few
This exactly. I would love to
This exactly. I would love to have a baby that is the product of my DH and myself. I don't think that's a crazy idea at all.
Same. We had our baby 5
Same. We had our baby 5 months ago. DH and I both really wanted to raise OUR kid with the same values and morals as us. BM is the polar opposite of how DH would want to parent. As a result, SD11 reflects that.
Can be worth it
DH and I just added a baby to our family. I didn't have any children before and he really wanted us to have a child together. I'm in my early 40s and the only time I feel "too old" is when I have to get up and down off the floor. I have several high school and college friends who have recently had babies or are expecting them in the coming months, so age doesn't have to be a factor. My boss is in his 50s and his wife is in her 40s and they just had their second baby (he's divorced, but no previous children). For me, I spent my 20s and a good chunk of my 30s traveling the world and enjoying life (I lived in six cities in three different countries in less than 10 years), so raising a child is the next phase of life for me. Both DH and I agree this was the best decision we made. For him, he feels like he can actually be a dad, because he's been so marginalized from his children's lives by BM. My only regret is that my DH and I will both be "old" when our daughter is fairly young and navigating aging parents is not fun. She will also likely be our only child and although her brothers (my SSs) are smitten with her, I do not expect that they will provide much support to her in adulthood.
So for us, all the factors were there to make it a yes, but other circumstances might point to no. I work with a woman who is married to her second husband - he had three kids previously, she had two and they added their own when she was the same age as you. Things seem to work for them, but I'm not sure what it was like when their kids were younger (their "baby" is now in college).
I know plenty of people my
I know plenty of people my age (I'll be 35 in March) who are having their 1st, 2nd children.
It's all about what you want out of life. Everyone's views are different. I always thought I would have kids but, with medical things I would have to go through etc to me I've reached the point is it worth it?
SO recently turned 44. He has no desire for another. He did in the beginning but, not anymore. Which I don't blame either. He didn't get to experience that phase of his life because he started having kids.
I can always just leave him and find someone else but, we are almost at the point where we can go and do anything we want. We were looking at houses in Italy the other night LOL. I want to travel the world (which I've done some what already) but, if we were to have a child that wouldn't be an option for a long time and SO would be well into his 60s at that point. Him and I will have a very well off life together once his kids are grown and we are reaching that point now. (17,16,13)
It is all perspective. I wouldn't feel "too old" though if you want an "ours" baby.
I am 6 yeaers the elder and
I am 6 yeaers the elder and my brother and I shared a room for 4 years when I was 11-15. No issues.
If you're questioning it, don
If you're questioning it, don't do it
From my own observances -
From my own observances - some of the happiest couples i know have no children at all. From what i've read on here, adding a baby to a step-situation does not seem to solidify the relationship at all, and may add more stress. There are many posters here who have "ours" children who are very miserable and it hasn't helped an already stressful situation.
Starting over with a baby means much less freedom, and fewer opportunities to be a couple. I would say, if you both truly like doing "family" things, more so than doing "adult" things, and some people seem to, then yes, have one. But, if you look forward to child-free nights out more so than nights in with the family, don't do it.
Real question is does DH really wants a baby with you?
Is he saying. Yes. But But. But. The bedroom problem, what he creating The kitchen table is too small, not enough sets in den. Is he just gaslighting you. As in he really doesn't want one. He too tied up with his kids
If it's something you both
If it's something you both want then go for it. Kids can share rooms it won't kill them. Realistically the baby could be in your room until they are at least two. So that's at least three years to figure out the room situation.
Procreating with a parent who
Procreating with a parent who brings toxic kids to a blended family marriage is a decision that has always baffled me.
Prior behavior being the best indicator of future performance, a parent who failed miserably in their prior failed prior family parenting really should not have any further breeding access or be tolerated to screw up yet another brood of children or absorbing another partner into their continuing life shit show.
Why would a new partner agree to that, or risk it?
I think the answer as to ruining ones own life and that of a new child (or more) is obvious.
At least it should be.