Update to Holiday Report
Thanks all, for your tough-but-kind-and-very-truthful words. I had been entertaining the thoughts of marital counseling, but came to conclusion that you all are right. Start with me first. Then DH can either follow along or not.
I was also entertaining the thought of hosting Feral Forger at our home once or twice a month for an hour long dinner, to help DH with his relationship guilt, but nixed that as well. Because she steals things and I wont feel safe in my own home, and because Munchkin would also feel anxious, and finally - its not my problem to fix. I need to work on my own issues. DH needs to work on his own (or not).
Some priceless pearls from Munchkin SD14 yesterday during our walk:
- When discussing getting a GED and Emancipation, she said that she would really like to do that, sometime in the future, and start taking college classes. I said "what about your childhood and just being a kid????" Her response was "well, cLove, I havent really been much of a kid for a while now, having to deal with my mom and sister..."
- "My sister calls me immature, but then I tell her thats what she is doing, and that I am more mature than she is, and then she screams at me that Im immature", distilling things down to the core of what is wrong with Feral Forger SD21.
- "If my mom keeps my sister around much longer I wont want to live there, Ill just live with you guys and visit my mom sometimes. Its just too much". Yes, it is and you should be focusing on doing good in school, not whether your sister is cleaning or not.
- "I have to make the rules in the house, so my mom knows what to tell my sister, the rules are." When asked if she likes that or feels ok with it, her answer "no I do NOT, its too much pressure!"
All in all, Im pretty saturated with all this, and ready to move forward. 2021 is almost here and I am looking forward to it.
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Comments
Sounds like a good plan about
Sounds like a good plan about therapy. What's up with GED? It is an option for someone who can't stay in school. Why can't she stay in school? She is a smart girl and she recognizes what a horrible parent her mom is and how messed up is her sister. I hope she stays in school and go to college. Is there any way dad can get primary custody? Poor child
Dad or you both can maintain relationship with FF without inviting her over. If restaurants are open, meet for lunch or breakfast or diner. If they are closed, meet outside or in a shopping center. There are ton of other ways to see adult kids besides hosting dinners. We don't invite OSD over but we see her at least monthly. In other places. Outside. Or inside. If your DH doesn't know where to meet you can give suggestions, but he should be the one to initiate. Not you.
My DH asks what I think if we meet OSD in few weeks and what days work and then he contacts her. If she initiates, then he says he'll get back to her and then we either both meet or he meets her if I am not up to it.
If he showed no initiative, I'd not initiate. Maybe your DH is so passive because you do the parenting. Don't. He'll either come through and start thinking or he'd not have relationship with FF. Not your kid not your problem. I'd stay out of it and for sure wouldn't host diners. FF isn't safe diner guest to say the least
That girl!
I am tearing up over that girl. Just think how much emotional maturity and insight she has for a 14yo! I am so glad she has someone to say these things to. I applaud your decision to persue personal counseling. You have quite a situation there, you need support. Counseling is exhausting, I would come home feeling wrung out but it will change your life for sure. In our case, it changed 7 lives. Good luck!
Sometimes two completely
Sometimes two completely worthless parents have a really amazing kid, and they do everything they can to destroy that kid...and somehow that kid no matter what still manages to prevail and achieve great things. All I can figure is there is some special person standing in for those kids and helping them.
You and Munchkin are a prime example of this scenario. So kuddos to you for stepping up and being a parent because it's not Munchkin's fault she got dealt a sh@t hand in life, and sounds likes she's not using that as a crutch either.
Good for you CLove.
I think you're doing a great thing by getting counseling for you first. That will help you approach everything else with a clear perspective.
Poor Munchkin - I really hope that kid can get out of TT and FF's sphere of influence sooner rather than later.