Ill stepkid and newborn concerns

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Hi everyone,

Excuse my poor english. I’m a french new first mom and that kind of stepmother web community doesn’t exist here.

I have a problem since the birth of our newborn baby boy (4 weeks now).

DH thinks that i’m rejecting my 9 years SS (we have him every other WE) because i’m careful with germs and virus he might bring home.

When my baby was 2 weeks old, SS came home with a bad cold. He was sneezing all over the place, and i was really worried about my baby health.

I told DH that SS cannot touch or kiss the baby, but he didn’t take seriously my concerns. I asked to quarantine him to his room but DH refused.

Few days after he left, by baby started to sneeze with difficult breath. I went to the doctor immediately and he confirmed that my baby had the cold too. For now, it’s not so serious and i can heal him from home but i have to be very careful with symptoms to avoid hospital. I have to watch him night and day to be sure that he breath normally. He needs lot of care (1 hour of care, every 4 hours : blow him, medics, watch the fever, etc...).

He seems to be better now and we well see the doctor tomorrow. But for now, i’m so pissed off i told my DH that next time SS come sick, he will have to quarantine. And when he is not sick, we won’t be allowed to touch the baby neither because he can cover a disease.

DH doesn’t understand why, and think that i’m rejecting SS since the birth of my baby.

I know that they are siblings but i think that my baby is not a doll and my SS doesn’t have to touch him or play with him.

Am i crazy ? Do you have any advices ?

Thanks you

No and Yes

Not crazy, but not practical either. If your SS had someting serious, I can see taking the quarantine suggestion a bit more serious. But he just had a cold. Not fun for your new baby, but something s/he was going to get eventually from someone. And a 9 year old can't take care of himself. So your DH is likely to be exposed which will expose your baby as well. And finally, both of those children are your DH's. He can't divide them into "important" and "less important". You might not have the natural bond with SS, but your DH does. And you can't ask him to push SS aside any more than he can ask you to love them equally.

When my second was born my first came down with the chickenpox! I checked with the doctor that nursing babies have some immunity, and home I went. Because my firstborn was sick and need me. If it had been a cold, I would have done the same. Build the bond between the siblings as much as you can, and try to put aside those mama-bear instincts where you can. You will be protective of your baby, but you can't shove aside another child to do so. So suggest lots of hand washing, cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze, and resign yourself to the fact that your child WILL get sick at times. Whether SS brings it home, or eventually your child goes to school, all children build their immune system one step at a time.

And please try not to put your DH in the impossible situation of sticking up for SS's feelilngs and your feelings. Breathe Mama. It's just a cold, but it feels like the whole world when it's your first

I think it's probably a

I think it's probably a little more practical to quarantine the baby a bit from the older child who is sick.. vs making the older child stay locked in a room. Baby stays in the nursery.. which is off limits to the older children while they have a sniffle. parents take care to wash hands and sanitize before taking care of the baby. You can be with your baby in the nursery.. dad can be with his child caring for him.

I have the same problem with

I have the same problem with my SD12. My daughter always gets sick after a visit. SD likes to play with the baby, kiss her on the mouth, share foods, drink from her bottle or cup... It makes me so annoyed because she does it so fast that I can't even say anything because it's all ready too late.

Yes siblings should bond but I don't even kiss my own baby on the mouth. Kids will get a lot of illnesses in their first couple years but it's still really hard to take care of a very small baby who is sick. I don't blame you at all for one and to avoid it and your husband is being a jerk by acting like it doesn't matter. If your baby is up in the middle of the night because he's sick then I would make sure your husband wakes up too. There are consequences for letting your SS get the baby sick.

I understand all your

I understand all your concerns. Why are people so obessed with kissing a baby ? Newborns are not dolls at all, they are fragile little person that need to be really protected at least the first months of their lives.
I feel really guilty because i should have been more reactive and take my baby into quarantine to protect him.
Now he's still sick (sonds like he feels little better today).

DH starts to realize how dangerous it was to let his son near the baby, and see from his own eyes how damaging a cold can be for a newborn.
I wake him up twice every night remorseless so he cannrealize how difficult it is to take care of a newborn cold.
thanks for support

My SD5 seems to get every

My SD5 seems to get every cold that comes down the pike. Last winter when my DD was a newborn SD5 had a runny nose and cough for months. She wasn't quarantined, but she wasn't allowed to hold, kiss or get too close to the baby, either. DH didn't like that until the baby got sick and he saw how much more severe her symptoms were. It was sad watching her struggle. After that DH was totally on board with keeping baby away from SD5 when she was sick.

Thanks you everyone for your

Thanks you everyone for your comment.

i know my SS for 5 years now and i have a good relationship with him. However my DH think i'm rejected him cause i ask to be careful when he is sick. I will do the same if i was.

i have noticed some good advices, and the most practical, quarantine with my baby when he's sick. But, as i told, DH wants SS to carry, kiss and play with the baby, even when he's sick. That's something i can't figured out. If SS was my biological son, i would do the same.
For now, he is working and i'm still at home for maternity breack. However, i wake up him at night so we do all the care together (twice in the night). I hope that will help him to realise how stressfull and tiring it is to care for a little baby that so fragile.

Thanks you for your support, this forum is amazing.

Your dh is an idiot. Hasn't

Your dh is an idiot. Hasn't he ever heard of bronchiolitis? Newborns can die of that! Is he so ignorant?

I know that, i'm terrified

I know that, i'm terrified that my baby cold turns into bronchiolitis thanks to is stupidity.
That's why the doctor told me to watch him day and night to control his breath.

However DH is not helped by his mother and sister who had made my SS kiss on the mouth my 3 months old little nefew the same week-end. Not a good example for hygiene.
However, DH is a 34 y old adult that has to be responsible.

I everyone

We went to the doctor this morning and the baby seems to progressively heal from his cold. Thats a relief !

I must continue the treatment for a week and things should be fine. As DH and i got the cold too, we need to wear mask to take care of our baby in order to avoid re-contamination.

However the doctor noticed a thrush on my baby tongue.

The fact is SS has a little brother from is BM, that go to kindergarden. Doctor is sure that comes from it.

I’m soo depressed cause i have and additional treatment to cure the thrush. When does this nightmare will come to an end ?

The positive fact is that the doctor made really clear to my husband that children mustn’t touch any baby when they are sick, all the time, and especially during COVID pandemic.

Hope he will realise how stupid he was to entertain my SS by playing with our baby life.

Tell DH when he makes it

Tell DH when he makes it about SS being your stepkid, he's making it that issue. My kids are very close in age and often sleep together, but if one is even a little sniffly, they have to sleep and mostly play apart. We never end up with the entire family sick when one person is sick because we take precautions. This should continue when baby is older as well. There is no reason for the whole family to be sick just because one person is.

That's what i thought.

For now i have only one bio child, however, if i had two children i would think it's stupid to spread germs into the entire family. This is really illogical to consider sharing illness that can be avoided is part of full integration.

Nobody should be kissing your

Nobody should be kissing your baby on the lips... Just tell them that "we don't do that". And give them your best glare

Thanks, thanks a lot for

Thanks, thanks a lot for support.

SD not only kisses my baby, but he also use his pacifier in secret and reput it in his mouth (still addict to pacifier at 9years old by the way and his dad & mom are really too lax with it).
We decided to help him quit his addiction but i'm really considering to buy him pacifier, at least for this winter.

Good Lord, he uses a pacifier

Good Lord, he uses a pacifier at age 9? My daughter is 12 months old and I'm feeling bad that I haven't weaned her from the darn thing yet. This kid's parents are failing him big time.

Yes it is, and i feel bad for

Yes it is, and i feel bad for him who is not only ridiculous with his pacifier but also curbed in his development.
Love this child, really nice and loving and we have a good relationship. But i totally disenaged from that kind of problem because DH, BM and grandparents don't help at all.
If i had time, i could write a book about it...

Talking about grandparents, my mother in law is also making a big deal about SS feeling rejected if he can't play doll with my baby.
She doesn't have any affection for my newborn child (only visits him once in 1 month while she care for SS and cousins every other wednesday and lives in the same town) and is also responsible for displaying negative emotions to SS about this birth.
I don't blame SS at all, adults are responsible for that.

Thanks god BM is really cool and never made any story about SS.

Tell her that if she thinks

Tell her that if she thinks her grandson needs to play with a doll that she can buy him one. That your baby is not a toy.

Yikes. Caroline, I hope you

Yikes. Caroline, I hope you bookmarked this site. Sounds like you are going to need some (a lot of) support. A pacifier at 9? Ugh. Sorry, if he still wants a pacifier at that age I am certain you have lots of other things to vent about....

Sure ! I really love steptalk

Sure ! I really love steptalk, and i'm a reader since many months. But it's my first post.

In france, there is absolutely no site of that kind. All the thoughts are Stepkids feelings oriented, and when you talk about your concerns, the only answer you get is "you choose a man who has kids, deal with it". Culture of the wicked stepmother who is ready to jump off prior child is the only one that exist for now. Stepmother can't have questions, feelings and can't be listened without being qualified of evil.
Hope it will change some day, but for now i'm really glad to find support and constructive talks.

For example, friends of mine think that's unfair to ask SS not to kiss the baby. Even with baby health, it's alway "but what if he feels rejected?".
Thanks for all and excuse once again my bad english

I can only suppose that these

I can only suppose that these friends of yours have no children. It's just plain common sense to protect babies from getting sick. Look, you said that you have a good, loving relationship with him so there is no chance of him feeling rejected just because he has to respect a boundary or two.

You might also remind your husband that there are ads on the TV several times a day telling us to wash our hands all the time so you're not expecting any more of his son than is expected of the general French public. Basic hygiene.

I think he slowly realizes

I think he slowly realizes how dangerous it its. Plus, he started to be sick and feel very bad. I wake up him every night to assist me with my baby medication and he goes to work every morning.

I wan't him to be so tired, pissed off and exhausted we will never start again with stupid behavior as "my prior soon will feel rejected".

Plus, i'm considering to buy pacifier for SS9 so he won't be tempted to uses my baby ones. I will put the baby bottle safe and hired from him too.

Grre i'm so tired

Please don't buy the paci for

Please don't buy the paci for him, tell your husband that he should buy one for his son as he is taking the baby's one... It'd be interesting to see how he reacts.

Hi everyone,

So here is some brand news about the situation. First of all my newborn baby boy is much better now and i’m relieved.

Secondly i’m just exhausted by all the care, attention and stress i went through just one month after i gave birth.

I had a serious talk with DH who is now clearly aware of what i will accept and what i won’t in

the future. That means not taking my baby for a toy, not touching or kissing him when SS9 is sick and be really careful with hygiene in those times of COVID.

We plan to spend the christmas holidays with my family cause i really need to rest (i have lost 20kg - 44pounds in one month) and my mother will help me with the baby during the day so i can take naps.

SS9 was supposed to stay with us and my family from this saturday to christmas eve. My grandmother will be with us (she is 81 years old) and we decided to all make the COVID test including SS9 before going (the PRC test in the nose).

Today, SS9 called and said he didn’t want to make the test. BM and DH suggested him he can quarantine at our home with DH while i go with the baby and my family until christmas eve. He refused. So BM and DH suggested him he can spend father and son holidays and christmas eve together while i would stay with my family (i really need to rest).

He refused and said « if caroline and the baby are not with us, i will not go to daddy’s home for christmas »

I refused categorically to change my plans, so the final solution is that he spends the beginning of the holidays and christmas eve with is mom, the 25th with my mother in law because « i want to take my gifts » (we didn’t plan to see her for holidays because of her behavior with my son and i, so SS9 will go alone to MIL) and some days after with DH at our home (without me, i will be in my family for the entire holidays).

By the way, this test thing was the opportunity for me to show DH that if BM doesn’t want to force SS9 to take a stupid test because she doesn’t want him to suffer, i’m not crazy to make everything i can to protect my own 1 month son from germs and hospital !

I think he is becoming bratt ? Am i crazy ? Am i wrong to not change my plans ?

Stepfamilies are so difficult.

thanks for support

I don't understand... i'm

I don't understand... i'm just doing my best, and DH too (including let SS9 play with the baby at the very first) and SS9 doesn't want to spend a week with his dad...

I'm so sorry for DH

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Ill stepkid and newborn concerns