Starting to realize...

That I stepped into a steaming pile of something with this marriage. In our living room, there is a big picture of the ex displayed prominently. I asked that it be removed or moved to the Skids room. Mind you, there are no pictures of me in the house. DH refused to take it down or move it because the co-parenting quack said it should be up and displayed prominently in our home. What kind of quackery?!

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What in the actual !*%!? Is

What in the actual !*%!? Is it a photo with just her??

No

It's a photo with her and skids, but all the more reason why it should be in their room.

How confusing is that for

How confusing is that for kids?!?! "Your parents are not together but we're going to keep up family photos like nothing ever happened. ". Yeah, no. If they want it in their room that's one thing but on display in YOUR home? That would creep me out beyond belief lol.

Seriously!

I was like, I'm no psychologist but this seems like terrible advice! Who is this dude?! Just 5 minutes ago I looked the therapist up and he has horrible reviews (1 or 2 stars on all) on just about every site that will take reviews (Health Grades, Yelp, Google, etc.), NO positive experiences. He actually is a quack (not that that helps my situation, but Im comforted that others know this guy's a total idiot).

Sounds like it!

There's reasonable and unreasonable......I feel like this falls under the latter lol.

Can you remove it yourself?

Its easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Yes

But it will just be replaced with another because Dr. Quack says it's absolutely necessary for the well-being of the children.

What does Dr. Quack say about

What does Dr. Quack say about daddy getting another divorce because proper boundaries were never established? How good is that going to be for the kids?

I have NEVER heard of a therapist suggesting the the ex spouse be displayed in pictures in your home. Time for a new therapist for you and have DH attend to hear how insane that idea is!

No

I wouldnt be able to stomach that.

BS

Dr Quack must be an entitled SD/SS.

I also agree that pic should be in the skids room. I dont know how you can stand it. Here is an idea put a photo up of an ex, or better yet a model pic of some muscular cowboy and impose your photo in the frame ;) "oh honey my therapist told me to put it up so I can deal with my past scars of losing him"

Like seriously, Dr Quack has got to go.

YASSSSS- a Shirtless Jason

YASSSSS- a Shirtless Jason Momoa. DH, my therapist said that I should keep this picture up so that I know what a real man looks like that doesn't have his balls in his exwife's purse.

HAHA

Perfect!!!!

I like this suggestion sooo

I like this suggestion sooo much. Only when this guilty dad feels uncomfortable or unhappy will things change. Time to dredge up a hot bf from your past and display pictures of him and you both aallll over the house. It will provide you with a little evil satisfaction while you put your exit strategy together.

Put it on prominent display

Put it on prominent display on the bedroom wall across from the bed, so every time you two are in there together he knows what you are looking at and it's not him.

Oh hell yes. I would be

Oh hell yes. I would be petty like this if that nonsense were going on here!

Wow..I really did LOL on this response;

sounds like something I would do.

I would Chris Hemsworth

I would have Chris Hemsworth plastered everywhere LOLL.

When DH and I moved into our

When DH and I moved into our house, he stuck a picture of BM and the skids on the fridge. (Skid was 19 or 20, but maybe 10 in the photo.) Funny, the fridge was right next to the trash.

No, DH, I don't know where the photo is. Maybe skid took it to his room?

And that was that.

That's insane. There's not a

That's insane. There's not a single photo of BM anywhere in our house. I could see if the kids wanted photos in their rooms, but hell no to a prominent place in the common living area.

Why do you have no wedding photos, or other photos, displayed of you and your H?

I totally agree. An equally

I totally agree. An equally sized pic of an ex or some random hottie with the excuse of this person is important to me and makes me feel comfortable in my home to be able to see him. Bonus points if you are in the picture too even if it requires shoddy photoshopping.

This absolutely would not fly with me.

Ask him who he'd like to hang

Ask him who he'd like to hang onto, Dr. Quack, or you? Because one of you has to go.

Well said

One of you has to go...yes, this would be a "hill to die on" for me.

When I found wedding photos in a bag, along with baby photos, I put those in a new bag, and sent them straight over to BM's apartment with the kid. And that was that.

Thats something that is part of the kids legacy, but it doesnt need to be in MY home.

So - question OP. Who rules your household?

I'm okay with wedding and

I'm okay with wedding and prior family photos, DH has some - but not on the dang wall. And most certainly not one that DH isn't even in!!

Good Question

When I first got married I would've answered, "me"! Now it is clear that the kids run our house and DH uses them as a proxy to make whatever decisions he wants to make.

Does BM have

a pic of dad in her living room? If not, how do the kids cope when they're there?

Please tell me you're not paying actual money for this kind of useless advice. If you are, please go see someone else.

If it were me, that pic would've ended up in the trash the first time I was home alone with it.

My problem with Dr. Quack

Well, I have a lot of problems with Dr. Quack, but the biggest one is that he makes decisions impacting me and my household, but I am not in the sessions! So he just makes rules, and I'm supposed to abide by them. He also gave my husband a printout of "rules for stepparents" to give me.

Please share these "rules"!

Please please please!!!!!!!

You're going to have to share

You're going to have to share these so we know exactly what you are up against.

The fact that they sent home these rules for you when you aren't even involved in the sessions just goes to show that this Dr Quack has no concept of boundaries.

Okay here they are...

Here are the rules. There are more, but they are generally elaborations on these.

1. Your role is as a distant observer of the kids, like a "cool aunt"

2. Your role is to support the bio parent (which I get, but where does the bio parent's support of me come into play?)

3. Find a role that complements the absent parent

4. Do not discipline the skids for 1-2 years at least

5. Get your spouse's blessing of your role as stepmom

The Overall Flavor of the Rules

Is that everyone else decides how I am to function in the family unit but me. Quote from introduction to the rules: "Children and biological parents adjust best when they are involved in the shaping of this role."

5. Get your spouses blessing

5. Get your spouses blessing as your role as stepmom.

WHATTTT??!

Granted we aren't married but, if I said to SO "do I have your blessing as stepmom to skids?" He would probably laugh and say WTFFF are you talking about haha.

The “rules”

Are for the sake of everyone else's happiness and adjustment but the actual stepparent. And Dr. Quack doesn't ever deal with the stepparents so he never actually deals with the fallout of his poor advice. He can continue being an "expert" in a vacuum.

Who does he meet with, then?

Who does he meet with, then? The whole holy first famdamily?

Yes

Everyone but me.

OMG !!!!! It just gets

OMG !!!!! It just gets worse!

So they are all in counseling

So they are all in counseling together as a cohesive family unit, and you are the concubine/servant/live-in relative.

OP, this is not a marriage.

Accurate!!

Yessssss!

I think you and your husband

I think you and your husband should get your own therapist for your issues AS A COUPLE.

Who wants to bet the advice will be totally different?

1), 2), 4) aren't bad advice,

1), 2), 4) aren't bad suggestions, 3) could be easily twisted, and 5) is WTF - are you asking your DH for his child's hand in marriage?!

In none of this is your role as wife and adult leader of the household considered.

Right

It might as well say, "sit in the corner and await further instruction."

1. Your role is as a distant

1. Your role is as a distant observer of the kids, like a "cool aunt"

A "cool aunt" is NOT a distant observer. A cool aunt is INVOLVED and does things with the kids, but also has the ability to be an authority figure if needed - like if I take my niece to the bowling alley, she's under MY care.

2. Your role is to support the bio parent (which I get, but where does the bio parent's support of me come into play?)

Ok, the role is you BOTH support EACH OTHER not a one way street. You don't automatically say "yes dear" to your husband's decisions. Hay-sus!

3. Find a role that complements the absent parent

What does this mean? Act like BM but don't act like BM (per the above)? Or do BMs bidding along with your husband's?

4. Do not discipline the skids for 1-2 years at least

Uh, if you are an aunt, removed as a distant observer then how are you EVER going to discipline? And if you are required by BM and DH to look after the kids? Is there any loophole for you? No? I didn't think so. Plus, if you are not introduced into the relationship as an adult then you'll NEVER be able to discipline. What does this quack mean as "discipline" anyway? Is this even defined?

5. Get your spouse's blessing of your role as stepmom

Nope, with all the above rules you'll never have any blessing at all to be anything in the family whatsoever.

The reason a Cool Aunt is so

The reason a Cool Aunt is so Cool is that she doesn't have to cook for, clean up after, help with homework, or have any real responsibility for the little terrors. After a fun afternoon with her neices and nephews the cool aunt is off to party with her hip friends and so grateful she never had kids of her own! In order for this to even be a remote possibility for SM, DH would have to take 100% percent responsibilty for the care and tending of his children. No stress for cool aunt, aka SM, right? Ha! Generally the reason these men remarry is so they have that built in nanny/cook/replacement parent. OP, you really need your own personal therapist.

That too!

I agree with 1 and 2, but not

I agree with 1 and 2, but not 3, 4, or 5. I don't think stepparents should ever discipline, nor should they "complement the "absent" parent" or need anyone's blessing.

Where does "put a picture of BM's ugly mug on your wall" come into play here?

OH WOW! Rules for step

OH WOW! Rules for step parents??? You will have to show us. This is insane!

OMG - I would FLIP and insist

OMG - I would FLIP and insist on attending the next session IF I thought there was hope of saving the marriage. Good Lord!

I asked this question

And my husband said BM does have a pic of him and the kids displayed prominently at her house. I call BS.

Thanks for causing me to

Thanks for causing me to laugh out loud and having to explain what I was laughing at to DH. He said we should have a large photo of NPD BM above our fireplace ( spurts hot tea down nose)

When DH and I started dating,

When DH and I started dating, he had a couple of pics of BM and SS on the fridge. As we got more serious, he took them down without my having to say a word. Smart DH. Cared about me and my feelings.

No F-ing way!!

No way in hell... when my SO and I fiarte got together 9 years ago, I went out and when I came back home the BM was eating dinner with him and the SKids, I lost my mind but didn't make a scene. I made it very clear that I would never ever ever approve or tolerate or accept that and she never stepped a foot in my home again. Pictures of my SO and ex wife have circulated but I shut that $&@? down quick!! One Halloween he carved her a pumpkin and obviously he never made that mistake again. It's specially hard when the SKids control the father, ugh!! Can't stand mine....anyway. Take that picture down woman and F Dr. Quack!

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