Am I the evil Stepdad?
4 years ago I posted this... (apologies for repeating)
I'm merely here to share my story and experiences with living with an adult stepson now aged 26.
Ever since he left school he never looked to go to college, didn't want to look for a job, never bothered with driving lessons, even getting him to do chores around the house was painful, he had a damn right lazy attitude. He spent his first few years at home just dossing on his playstation whilst me and my partner where at work. It used to grate on me a lot, but my partner never really seemed bothered by it. I started to put my foot down but this caused numerous arguments with both the stepson and my partner. He eventually moved to Leeds with his girlfriend he met over the internet and I thought this was the start he needed... but NO! He started college, but his attendance was so bad due to his IBS that he never managed very well. The doctors told him what he had to do, but he never looked after himself very well. He spent the next few years just sitting around the flat, again in front of the TV on the playstation. My partner would get on at him but he always got defensive and rude about it.
Unfortunately his relationship fell apart at 24 and he moved back in with us. I knew this was a bad idea as he would just fall back into his old ways, but my partner assured me she would get him told to sort himself out. This never happened... she mollycoddled him for the next 6 months. I put my foot down once again and became the bad guy, making everyone miserable apparently. WTF! "Is it so bad that I want him to make something of himself?" I don't want another adult lazying around the house, contributing nothing. Stepson after a while moved to his nans because he didn't like the situation. Again doing nothing, using his nans like a doss house. All the while no one has ever given him home truths, his lazy nature has always been brushed under the carpet, I'm the only one who is really vocal about it, but feel like the bad guy all the time.
Stepson has recently moved back in with us at 26 yo. Need I say anymore on what he is doing. I wasn't happy, partner not happy with me being unhappy. Doesn't understand my views on him, after all she is his mother.
4 years on, the SS is 30yo and we are still in this situation. Wife still looks after him like he's 13yo. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking him places because he can't drive. Don't get me wrong, I've aired my views, countless arguments have been had, but no resolve. I don't want to leave my wife, I just wish the SS would move on, I'm getting really tired of the situation.
Your wife has already left
Your wife has already left you for her emotionally incestuous relationship with a 30yo.
Save yourself and leave. Make sure to leave them a lifetime size box of condoms as they will likely need them considering how close they are.
smh
You may not WANT to leave
You may not WANT to leave your wife but it doesn't sound like she is giving you much of a choice, as this marriage is not a priority for her.
Can't imagine why you would want to stay.
And, no, you are not evil for wanting a grown man out of your house and out of your marriage.
What you might want to think about, is that even if he were to get a job and move out, that doesn't mean that your wife would be any more available to you than she is right now. Chances are, she would still be enmeshed with her son, she would just do all of those things for him, elsewhere.
I'm not perfect, I probably
I'm not perfect, I probably could've and should've done more. Also, not going to lie or hide any facts, there did come a point where I gave up talking about it because I could see nothing was changing and it became so draining. I'm 49 this year and don't feel like I have any energy left for this anymore.
Then leave them to each other
Then leave them to each other and go live your life.
I just wrote this - if you
I just wrote this - if you want to pm me then please feel free
Get out now mate - i mean it!!!!
https://www.steptalk.org/blog/afy65/toxic-families-260609
This is not about being
This is not about being perfect or about you period. This is about your partner/wife who has enabled a grown ass son that if God forbid she dies tomorrow he won't know how to survive because she has not taught him ANY life skills.
You also have to question how she has allowed him to do absolutely NOTHING with his life.... and to stay home playing video games and wasting his life away in front of a screen? How has that not had you running for the hills?
So look within and figure out if you want to continue living with this adult man child and taking care of him for the rest of your days.....
Why do I feel like I would be
Why do I feel like I would be giving up on them? Abandoning them? I know the situation isn't right...
Because
You are a good person. But it is healthy for YOU to not subject yourself to poor treatment...take care of you
Hmmm
I do not want to be too rough, but you have relegated
To furniture status. You know the answer, it just is difficult to adjust to that reality. Move on and find health, for you and your future.
Good luck!
SuperDuper71~ yes you need
SuperDuper71~ yes you need therapy to figure out why you continue to allow yourself to tolerate all this dysfunction. Why do you feel you have to save them when clearly they want no "saving" as they are content with the way things are. To question why you feel like you'll be "giving up and abandoning" them?
Why are you so concerned with "saving them" but ignoring YOUR wants and needs? Only you can change this situation and live the wonderful and healthy life you so rightfully deserve!
Petronella
Your comment is much appreciated and something I never gave thought to. I've been with my wife for 22 years now, so the thoughts I've been having lately and these discussions are quite scary... I'm completely out of my comfort zone.
Of course it's scary and you
Of course it's scary and you have been with her and dealing with this for 22 years. In all fairness, its all you know however, it is something for you to think about. Take some time for yourself and do some soul searching and self reflection. You've done all you could. You've done more than many would under these circumstances but you can't continue sacrificing yourself for people who don't honor, respect or value you and what you've tried to contribute to the relationship.
Sorry for blabbering on, but
Sorry for blabbering on, but why does it feel selfish?
Giving up on the past 22 years because I'm not happy with a situation?
So many questions?
An equity life partnership
An equity life partnership must provide for the needs of both partners. Both must make each other and their marriage their top priority.
If one partner prioritizes other people above their partner it is not an equity life partnership
Giving up on the past 22
Giving up on the past 22 years because I'm not happy with a situation?
That's the million dollar question that YOU need to figure out. Do you want to end a 22 year relationship because you have been unhappy with the SAME issue for over 2 decades, knowing it will not change? If you're content living with this and accept the situation, by all means I wish you the best.
Wife "gave up" years ago & put son in husband's place & vice
versa. This is the reverse of most enmeshment we usually read about. Normally it seems daddy/daughter.
Sad for OP.
For the record, duration of a marriage doesn't equal "success" when you're just hanging in for the sake of hanging on. No connection, joy or love...just resentment. Existing, not living. OP isn't throwing anything away. By getting rid of this twosome, he gains his life!
Thanks Miss Texas
Thanks Miss Texas
I can honestly tell you all
I can honestly tell you all now, I cannot live with this man-child for any longer, and this is exactly what I need to tell my wife. Then we'll see what happens from that point... I refuse to let this drop anymore.
This whole thread!!
I have been on this site for about a thousand years. This is an example of why this site CAN work!
OP states his "vent", then all the replies that follow are respectful, accurate, gentle and caring.
SuperDuper 71...please listen to all of these wonderful and thoughful responses.
(also, I read your post with an English accent, and I have to say your situation is bullocks and I think your wife is takin' the piss).
Check out emotional incest
And know it is adultery.
You definitely are not the
You definitely are not the evil step-dad. He is a mama's boy and she needs to get him a career counselor because this situation is not going to change without outside help. I'm almost sure that he also has a personality disorder, or something similar, because when it's this bad, usually something is going on psychologically. In an ideal world, your wife would let you have a conversation with him about how he needs to be a provide for himself, build self-esteem and self-worth, which will allow him to find another girlfriend or wife. But in the world we live in, it will just cause resentment in him. Which is what career counselors, psychiatrists, and therapists are for. You might have to hint to her for years that he needs to see one. The only other option I could think of is to say to him something like, "Hey, you're really good with computers/cooking/tools, maybe one day you could make a career out of that!"
wow 30
He obviously has no real interests or passions in life. First off IBS is most likely triggered due to lack of exercise and bad eating habits (including energy drinks) only he can sort that out, as for the situation he could do with being passionate about money if nothing else. There are trade jobs and skills that are far from rocket science but pay quite well. If you're not going to leave them to it then really lay it on the line to them. A 30 year old man child is crazy, haven't seen that much at all but know it's out there, I'm 32 and having my own problems with step kids with two beautiful bio kids too. I'd love to speak to him to be honest and just see what's going on. End of the day at reading your post I can see that he is an ADDICT, he has a problem with screens/video games, possibly junk diet foods, addicted to the lazy lifestyle. If not money passion then maybe go gym and work on his physical appearance. Sounds like its been a while so I'm sure you've heard it all before, think he just needs to get into his head that he's a total looser but only he can change that.. and his mother is totally damaging him by enabling this behaviour, she needs to understand that she is doing him no good as much as he needs to know he's a bum.
No not evil, learning like we all are