If you don't have her for Christmas, then don't even tell her. 

Sure enough, if you do she will tell bm and then bm will cause some sort of trouble. She will say something to sd to upset her (PAS) or she will offer for your husband to take her (and tell sd of course!). It would be a disaster! 

We went on a trip while I was pregnant and when SD12 found out we dared go on a trip without her she wouldn't talk to my DH for months. 

This was a trip to visit our childfree friends who had just moved to another country. I wouldn't even call it a vacation because we stayed with them and it was quite budget.

SD goes on 3 or 4 international vacations a year with BM. She basically blows all the CS on going to resorts. She used to refuse visitation unless DH stayed in a hotel or took her to a resort. He gave into this demand once after we got together and it was a pretty miserable time. 

My DH knows SD was being a brat and this has basically lost any chance of her going on vacations with us on the future.

And make memories.  Have  a good time.  You know SD will just make yor vacation Hel*  you don't need that 

Don't explain anything to her, just this is what is happening. Presumably your husband will make plans for something to do with his daughter or she will be with her mother. Young kids will accept what is presented to them. Just say me and the little ones are going to see my family and you will see mom/ dad's family (or whatever the plans are). She doesn't know that it is unusual, she will probably just accept it. 

I just say it as it is.  I don't want to deal with SD's behavior issues.  I do try to include her on family vacations where I think she will behave.  It's easier when we go visit my family, she's already burned those bridges, and can't be trusted alone with them because of her crazy lies, it's a given that she is not going.

We go away to the beach every Christmas, so every other year we go without the skids because DH and BM alternate Christmas.  This past Christmas it was just our bio, as skids were with BM. They understand that they only get to go every other year. No additional explanation required.  Same with spring break.  Those are our typical vacation times.

And include him in weekends away but mostly no. I bust myself to personally pay 2 or 3 really nice holidays a year and I no longer invite him. If its not his terrible behaviour its his mother trying to ruin it by constantly contacting him as she can't us. I dont feel even slightly guilty as he goes away with his mother for same amount of breaks, so I've played that card. That you (ss) get the same amount of holidays as bd one way or another. If my husband or bm want to pay his share for a disaster holiday I'd be all ears and reconsider 

but when he was at university and came home from breaks, whatever holiday plans we had were never altered for him. He didn’t follow us especially on hubbys out of state visits, he only followed for religious holidays when we went to hubbys childhood home several states away.

as of 2 yrs ago any supposed holidays interstate if hubby falls back into guilty disney daddy mode that his daughters aged 24.5 and 14.5 claim bio mum and daddy abandoned them blah blah blah i put my foot down and say no. If its a several days away trip hubby knows better than to invite ss and sd’s along. 

Sd’s especially are miniwives and glued right next to hubby to avoid any talks with inlaws, makes you wonder why they come because hubbys family end up confronting me in private whats up with their crappy behaviour... Alienation it is!!

i do not feel sorry and since i have had no comtact with sd’s and whatsoever since late 2018 (we are a few months short of 2 yrs), I don’t see why i should be expected to be guilted to partake in a so-called family holiday with strangers including ss22 who has not acknowledged me as hubbys wife of 5.5 yrs but refers to me as a stranger along with my 2 kids with hubby as strangers too. Why would I ever want to go on holiday with these losers??

its hard enough when sd’s rant on about bio mum and stepdads daily life to show i am not important to hubby in the pecking order and disrespect our family boundaries . So when hubby falls back into guilty daddy mode about inviting his daughters, i simply ask him if he is willing to tell them to shut their mouth and they will be immediately be returned back to the train station they came from to make their way home?? That always makes hubby silent!!

we did have about 1.5 yrs ago we planned a romantic getaway and ss came home the day before we left. He actually wanted hubby to drive home a day after we were at the hotel to pick up ss20.5 and drive him to his uni. Hubby said no!! It was a romantic vacay (sex included) no way was hubby ruining the sex vacay mood spending 3hours round trip for a lazy ass ss capable of arranging uber.

hubby told him he had 2 choices: he could come with us to hotel for lunch and catch an uber to uni from there or arrange uber from home... ss picked option 1 and when we checked into hotel room ss was made to wait in lobby 5 mins whilst we unloaded pur suitcases/bags.. 

trust me it took aot to get hubby to that point but he loves his sex too much to piss me off that kind of way. Hubby knows if he drove home to pick up ss that sex vacay would be ruined and he would come home to a severely hormonal bitchy wife and no sex for a while. That stresses him out.. i’m proud hubby didn’t feel guilty dishing out those 2 choices to ss because he saw what a lazy self absorbed prick he was being.

thats what you get by not giving daddy advanced notice of you coming home when you knew well in advance but just love making daddy jump through hoops

if you don't have her for christmas, go and say nothing.   If she or anyone asks, explain that life does not stop because she is not there.  

DH and I take all the kids (well minus SS since he doesn't come over anymore) on a trip every other year.  The other years, its just DH and I. We also take day trips,etc.  We have made it very clear to the kids...we will go and do things while you are not here.  You are at your other parents and they will take you places, etc.  Life does not stop because you are at your other home.  We will not sit at home an pine for you.  

The kids understand.  I will say that this information needs to come from your DH, not you.

I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of your family's vacation lodging when SD is not able to come.  In fact, this is the SD who hasn't visited right?  and you are thinking about a Christmas break trip? and she wouldn't be scheduled to be with your husband anyway?  

I think it's fine to go on trips without skids.. or shoot.. ANY kids at all..lol.  If she is having a fun Christmas with her mom and the SIL.. and she does have the opportunity to do other trips with dad at other times.. I don't see the problem really.

And like Gimlet, we travel with my bio.

SKs make trips completely miserable.  Two examples... 

1) SD was desperate to go to DC.  We're 4 hours away, so we planned a weekend getaway.  I kid you not, within 5 minutes of arriving on the DC mall, she told me she was "dehydrated" and needed a drink.  

2) SS is HCBM's minion, so he literally cannot have fun when he's with us.  He has thrown fits, he has vomited on purpose, he has moped.  All make it impossible to enjoy taking a trip with him.

We just don't plan trips when they're around.

I'm going on a beach vacation next month, just bio kids and I. 
DH hates the beach and won't even consider coming with us. It seemed forgone conclusion that if her father wasn't going, SD wouldn't be going, but nope. She's been whining and bitching how unfair it is that she doesn't get to go. Even though she travels frequently to far more luxurious locals with BM.

SD ruined every vacation we took with her, and there were 8ish, because I'm stupid and a slow learner.  I should have stopped after the first one.  Those miserable vacations definitely accelerated my growing hatred of her.  When I lost my sh!t during the final vacation, DH told her she'd get no more vacations because of her behavior, but really I think he should have put it on BM.  "BM doesn't want us to take you on vacations.  She wins, she got what she wanted.  Maybe she can take you next time, and see how much fun you have with her."

We should have thrown her words right back at her:  "It's no fair we get to go on vacations" and "We're lucky we get to go on vacations".  No, we earned them because we work for a living.  And we go because we are capable of enjoying life.

It was such a relief when we decided no more vacays with SD.

Yep, took 1 mini vacation with SD and it was AWFUL!  She totally ruined it for me and I refuse to go on any more vacations like that.  I hate that we take her camping on our yearly camping trip and DH makes sure she goes camping every year whether it is our weekend to have her or not.  Heaven forbid she "misses out" on 1 damn camping trip when BM takes her on at least 3 trips a year.  I know if I tried to plan a vacation regardless of the weekend DH would try to get BM to let him have SD.  I would rather never take another vacation again ever in my life than take her again.  I've decided that I will do either long weekends with my girlfriends to get a break or a trip without SD and DH.  We did go one year to NOLA without SD b/c BM wouldn't let her go with us (THANK GOD) and it was a good trip without her. 

We've done it many times. We've never gone out of our way to tell them, but didn't try to hide it either. Also we never intentionally went out of our way to take DD somewhere without them - only when the schedule just worked out that way. The only time it's been made an issue is when they're throwing one of their bratty tantrums about how DD has it soooo much better than they do. I used to feel bad, not anymore. BM successfully turned them into ungrateful, entitled people and so they can all wallow in their misery together as far as I'm concerned. 

I went ONCE and never again. Now we only vacation with our little ones. If DH wants to take SS somewhere, he can go for it, but DH adores me and our two kids and doesn't want to vacay without us. I'm not going to inflict sullen, spoiled SS on my two.