SD does not like me.
My SD is almost 7. My husband and I are 26. She came to live with us in 2018 February. In May of 2018, her mom stopped seeing her all together by choice. I will just say it was an abuse case where she almost died on the stepfather and he went to jail. Her mom stayed with him. She does see her maternal grandfather on a regular basis where she can still see her brother (who is not my husband's child). She also has a sister who was born after the abuse case and she has never met her.
My SD acts so weird around me. She will come in a room and tell every person she loves them except me and leave. Or even tell them goodmorning and not me or hug everyone except me. If my husband tells her to hug me, she will just stand there and be upset about it.
When i ask her to do something she will wait for her dad to repeat what I say. I got DH to stop repeating me but she still waits. If she asks me for something and I say no, she will wait 5 minutes and ask my husband or Mom. She does not do this to either of them. My husband does get onto her about it. She also talks over me and interupts me when I am talking to my mom. She even ignores me when I call for her. I will call for her out of her room for food or whatever and she will ignore me.
My mom has recently moved in with us and she is crazy for her but not me.
My SD will say snide things to me. I have never heard a 6 year old say snide things to someone until her.
If i come up with something fun to do and she knows it was me, she will refuse to do it. Today I put up a kiddle pool outside and she just stood in it completely still and refused to play. She even had the pool toys.
Im telling you she will do anything to disagree with me down to the dumbest stuff. If i say I like some she will make it a point to let me know i am wrong.
I do things for her and she will thank her dad. An example was around valentines day. I told her to pick out one of these sets of coloring stuff with a water bottle and paint set, they had Frozen, Trolls, etc, and she tells me which one so i grab it down and put it in the cart and it was for Valentine's. She turns to her Dad and says "Thank you, Daddy." I have never seen my husband so upset. He threw the set back on the shelf and we didn"t get it.
I know it should not get to me but it has been over two years of this. I am not going anywhere anytime soon. I did not choose for her mother to stop seeing her and for her to stay with the abuser. I would not have chosen that if i had the chance to. My mom's mother left her as a kid and she is still upset about it to this day and she is 51.
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So - does your DH say
So - does your DH say anything to her or give her consequences for being so rude to you? Personally, I would stop doing anything for her entirely.
Yes
He does say things to her. He tells her it is not okay to be so rude to me. He told me yesterday not to do anything else for her after the pool incident.
That's good, it's a start. He
That's good, it's a start. He needs to give her consequences for being rude to you next.
Is she in counseling? Are you
Is she in counseling? Are you all in family sessions?
I'm thinking she's pushing you to see if you will leave like her mom did. Not saying it's ok for her to do, but she loves her mom who left & maybe she's afraid to love you cuz "moms leave".
This is it exactly
She's in survival mode. She can't trust you because the last mom she trusted to take care of her didn't, and then she left. She needs really intense therapy.
In the meantime, her father needs to do 100% of the parenting. She shouldn't be forced to say she loves you or to hug you, but she does need to be taught to acknowledge your existence.
Her mom
I know she has lost a lot of people and I try to understand and have her talk to me about it. I consider all the time that she doesnt like me because I am not her actual mom and I wish her mom didnt leave her even if she is a deadbeat.
Just a thought..
I think having your DH talk to her about this would maybe make a difference, just explaining to her that you aren't going anywhere and are trying. At least the disrespecting part should be addressed. I also think you can talk to her and just ask her why/what the issue is. She is so young and maybe is just confused about everything that has happened.
If I
If i or anyone else puts her in a conversation she doesn't like, she will either change the subject or wont speak. She has also done this in therapy.
counseling
I think Nettie5 is spot on. Her behavior is comparable to the kids who enter foster care and who keep acting out in the stable foster home. They think it's their fault that they are separated from the parent and act out to see if they have to leave again. It isn't logical, but emotions often are not. SD (and the whole family) would benefit from a counselor to help her work through this.
A good oberservation.
A good oberservation.
I have a friend with two adopted children who use the PACE method to help her kids. https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/ It is supposed be a possitive framework to help a child feel secure.
A specialised therapist sounds like a really good idea so that you and your husband can learn how best to help sd and she can have a safe place to express herself.
She should be called out on
She should be called out on her rudeness by your DH. If he chooses not to do it, then call it out yourself. She already does not like you, what's the harm and you'll be standing up for yourself. Do not let a child take this type of control at such as young age.
I'd also get her into therapy to process what she is living through.
I'd also refuse to do anything for her that I'm not doing for my family already. Don't want to swim in the pool, others will, too bad so sad for you. Don't want to engage in a family activity because SM coordinated, too bad for you, you miss out. Guess you're not getting a popsicle from SM because SM bought them, oh well, sucks to be you. Children need to understand that there are consequences to how they treat people and parents need to form their children appropriately.
That is true.
That is true. My parents would have done the same thing to me if I thought I could be rude to someone. I do like that DH did put the thing back that I got for her when she thanked him. I may try to do this more often.
This is a DH problem. Why is
This is a DH problem. Why is he allowing her to be rude? What are the consequences? DH needs to be doing all the caregiving for this child. I agree with the others counselling is an excellent idea.
This was my SD at this age.
This was my SD at this age. Though, I didn't think so at first, but I honestly think it was her mother driving the behavior, and really there isn't much I can do about it. DH would correct her, but most of her behavior dipped into girl bullying, which went right over his head, and had to be explained to him. I found minimalizing my interactions with her a huge stress relief. I do not do anything for her unless I want to and she asks me with a please. But most of the time that's asking too much of her. I don't do present buying, clothes shopping, cooking, cleaning, outings, shuttling from place to place, listening to inane school drama, nada. DH or BM have to do it.
This is exactly how Killjoy16
This is exactly how Killjoy16 was at this age. I thought I could prove to her that I was trustworthy, but nothing I did helped. Guard your heart.
It's not personal, she'd hate any woman in your shoes.
Satan did not abandon her, but Satan is a psychopathic POS who can't bond with anyone and Killjoy was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
She's angry and has trust issues. She started counseling at 6 but it did not help. I think the counselor was incompetant. Killjoy has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
DH was an ineffective parent. He wanted to be a better parent, but didn't know how. He didn't discipline her, which only made her feel more unloved and insecure. It's good your DH is disciplining her.
I don't know if it would've helped, but I always wanted someone to talk to her about why she was so angry. It wasn't my place to have those talks with her, and no one ever did. I had to prod her counselor into telling her it wasn't her fault her mom was abusing her, unloving her.
I wanted to assure her that I wasn't going anywhere, but I couldn't really promise her that, and ultimately, I had to kick her out.
Paradoxically, it seems like being kind to these kids only makes matters worse, because it makes their moms look worse.
Disengage.