Is disengaging the right approach for me?
Hi everyone, new member here, Apologies in advanec fr the essay, I've been a step parent for 8 years now and it's getting harder. My DH and I have a very solid marriage, he's a good parent as well and will discipline SD, 14, when needed but there are times he strays into Disney Dad territory. I think this is to ensure he gets to see his daughter and that she wants to come and spend time at our place. SD is now becoming stroppier, less inclined to help out around the home and more entitled and bratty. DH will call her out on her disrespectful and rude behaviour to me so he does see it and he backs me up 100%. This morning, he himself called her entitled. She was meant to spend 3 nights at ours this weekend but it was cut short to 1 and he delivered her back to BM early, citing her bratty behaviour and lack of engagement with us. She spent the whole stay sulking in her room, to the point of eating her dinner (pizza treat from me) upstairs.
This has been building for a while, she is an only child and the centre of BM's world, AFAIK she doesn't have any chores or has to do anything she is asked to do at BM's home. She has often been rude, sarcastic to me and sometimes I take it on the chin, sometimes I take her to task. Often DH will intervene and tell her off. We had a particularly bumpy patch after Christmas, she tried to turn it around on me so I apologised for my part in things (disengaged behaviour) and we patched things up for a while, but the undercurrent of her resenting me has always been there. I only ask her to tidy up after herself and pitch in with the odd chore like dry the dishes or feed the pets. Her birthday was last week and she was as nice as pie in the lead up and on the day, then it was like a switch was flicked and she went back to being a nightmare. This weekend, I asked her to vacuum her bedroom and on another occasion bring down her used breakfast dish. (DH took her breakfast in bed). DH ended up in a row with her over this and SD said, about my request, 'I don't like being told what to do'. He had it out with her, saying I'd asked not told, and it's not like I requested she paint the house! She is now creating a very toxic atmosphere in the home for no real reason. I think I have to bear some of the blame, perhaps I've either been too harsh (but I know a child needs boundaries and routine) or sometimes too soft, e.g. the pizza treat when she was being a PITA.
I feel now where I'm a point where I need to make my feelings about her clear to DH; she is not my child, I do not love her and I do not even want to be her friend any more. I think we need a cooling-off period where she can manage her resentment and other feelings and perhaps stay with BM more, DH can see her outside of our home for a bit. When she does come back to our place, I will not ask her to do a thing. I will disengage, but could do with some advice over how to actually do this without causing more rows. I will tell DH I'm not spending a penny more on her, including going on any trips. Any trips will be just me and him, if he wants to take her away he can do so separately. I'm don't want to involve myself any more, we are not really a family unit of 3 and I will be just 'Dad's wife'.
For context, she has had some epic meltdowns over the years about me 'usurping' her place - aged 6, she threw a fit when I wouldn't sit in the back of the car so she could sit up front with Daddee. She had a tantrum aged 9 at our wedding because the focus wasn't on her. She had another tantrum at 9 when we went out for the night and had her grandmother babysit her. I hoped it would improve as she matured, but I think I need to put myself and my marriage (as far as I can) first and let the DH/BM deal with her.
For sure disengage, but there
For sure disengage, but there is no need to announce it, just do it. Stop buying her things, don't plan trips during his visitation time, just be civil and polite and that's it.
Some have had bad reactions from their husbands when they tell them that they are disengaging from their children.
Does your husband put her on the same level as you? You did not usurp her place, she is the child, you are the spouse (at 6, she should not have been sitting in the front, anyway).
My SD was 5 when DH and I got together, and although she was a Daddy's girl, there was no doubt about the hierarchy (and she was not at the top).
DH put SD on a pedestal when
DH put SD on a pedestal when we first met, but I let him know PDQ that wasn't gonna fly. She only sat up front in the car once when I was there, after that I put my foot down. When she was younger she would sit in front, on her booster seat, then DH and I had a talk about safety etc. For a while he was reluctant to do things differently than at BM's home because SD would cry, meltdown and scream for Mummmeeee.
I explained how I felt to him earlier, he was fine and actually supportive, he's sick of seeing me treated like a cash dispensing servant and 100% backs me up. When it gets to the point of preferring work to home on certain days, things have to change at a fundamental level.
Yes you're doing it right. Do
Yes you're doing it right. Do nothing for her or with her, and spend nothing to her. And let your underlying resentment for her be known.
Only you can decide.
So, he rewarded her for her bratty behavior by taking her back to BM early. Which is likely what she wanted.
Better to shut down the internet and cable, confiscate her phone and confront her bratty shit constantly in real time. Better to deliver a state of abject misery for her than give her what she wants when she is being a brat.
Never should an NCP forego visitation due to a bratty kid or a manipulative CP. If an NCP chooses to forego a visitation it should be because there is somethign else they want to do that facilitates their marriage and new family.
It is a delicate balance.
While disengagement can be a successful tool, and many STalkers are fans, I am not. I refuse to abdicate control over any part of my life. Particularly to a toxic kid, a toxic X in the blended family opposition whether that X is mine or my SOs or even to a ball-less failed parent of a partner for that matter.
If they behave reasonably, I deal with them reasonably, if they are not reasonable, I bring the pain. Their choice.
Thanks for your reply Rags, I
Thanks for your reply Rags, I've been giving it some thought but your approach wouldn't work in this situation, on a logistic level more than anything. These actions such as internet/phone would have to come from DH as the parent. I'm not involving myself, not my circus, not my monkeys. Me asking her to do anything leads to accusations that I'm mean, fuelling her perception as the wronged party. Me taking a large step back and doing nothing will have more of an effect long term, when she no longer has a clean bedroom and bathroom with no clean clothes in short order. She'll still eat healthily as DH does the cooking.
What will really affect her will be my indifference, no more gifts or treats or trips away. She's effectively excluded herself from our family holidays, including my brothers wedding next year which she was really looking forward to. Skid doesn't know this part yet.
What really hurt was that Skid had the audacity to call me lazy, when I work fulltime, study and keep an immaculately clean home. Whereas she is failing academically, is never off the Internet, overweight and shaping up to be a compete drain on society. In the long run, she will lose and lose hard.
I am going through the same
I am going through the same thing. You might actually find you like her better once you are no longer personally involved. I am coming to realize a lot of my frustration towards SD was the result of me tip toeing around my own house trying not to upset or offend. Now that I have accepted SD is going to feel about me the same no matter what I say or do and in turn I do and say what I want in my own home. I am a much happier person and well SD is still the same LOL!!
Find something that works for
Find something that works for you. However, encouraging dad to step up and apply effective consequences may be one solution element that will make a difference.
Cutting her out of family events based on her behavior makes perfect sense to me. That should send a strong message and be very effective.