he said he feels that since we only have the kids every other weekend, we can't really change their behavior, we just have to endure it.

What a bunch of bull and a lousy excuse to not parent that is ^^^^^^

Kids absolutely know how to follow different rules and change their behavior based on their environment. I wouldn't want to be around these hellions, ever.

If any SKID of mine behaved as your SS9 did, I would not give a shit what DH thought, I would refuse to have the child in my house forthwith.  Nobody gets to trash my house, kick my dog, shout and swear - absolutely not on.  If DH wants to see his kids fine - but it would have to be elsewhere.  This is most definitely a hill to die on.  However I would doubt if they are going to be welcome more than once at any hotel either, if they start trashing their room.  

How do you even respect your DH? What a lousy, lazy parent he is.  You can't be the one to discipline, of course they won't respect that.

Anyone who kicked an animal in my home would not be welcome over there anymore. 

If your husband is just "enduring it," why does he bother taking the kids at all? Surely they can sense that he doesn't want them and is just enduring them, if that's really true and not some BS he's feeding you. Better to try to turn them into people who don't need to be endured.

And he is wrong - he absolutely can demand better behavior when the skids are at your house; he just doesn't want to do the work and suffer the discomfort when he first starts to make changes he should have made long ago. We have my skids Mon, Tues and EOWE (admittedly more than you have yours) and we for sure changed their behavior once they moved in with me. It took some effort and DH getting on board with rules and consequences. They behave way better for us than they do for BM - they admit as much. Kids can understand different rules and expectations in different houses and adjust accordingly. Your husband is being a lazy parent. I know because mine was the same a few years ago.  We have the advantage of younger kids, but his aren't so old that they can't learn and change.

Are you seriously going to drive 10 hours every other weekend and spend time away from home once you move? That sounds miserable!  I can't imagine that plan lasting too long. I would choose to stay home before I made that trip to be with my inlaws and ill behaved skids. If you are disengaged, home is where you'd want to be, unless you have some other reason for making that trip. Of course, If you start doing this right away, the grandparents might tire of having out of control skids during the day, too, so it'll no longer be an option.

I always use the school example in my home. If the kids can behave at school and be polite and respectful to their teachers then they can behave at home and be polite and respectful to others, including me. 

Your husband needs parenting classes. When we were having issues with my step daughter we looked into working with a parenting consultant to help us. We talked to her teachers repeatedly for advice. We tried different tactics until we found some that had some results and helped improve her behavior. That is parenting. Letting kids run riot is barely babysitting (I would expect a baby sitter to at least try to stop their behavior). 

At least he is removing the kids from your home. I wonder how many times the hotel will welcome him back when his kids are there trashing the place every other weekend?

This man is seriously crazy. He would rather spend hundreds of dollars every month on top of what ever child support he is paying in order to avoid having to tell his kids off and give them some real consequences. Kids need structure and discipline, they have no respect for parents that let them rule the roost. If BM is as bad as all that then dad is their only hope for any normality but instead he buried his head in the sand.

This is not going to get better without a radical revelation by your husband. Not sure I would sink much more into this relationship. 

As for disengaging, yes you should disengage. I would not be at the house when they are there. I would not clean up after them. I would not fund or attend the hotel weekends. I would use the days and weekends I get to myself to invest in myself and work out what I want in a partner. Start living your best life. Take up an old hobby or start a new one. Reconnect with friends or try to find new people to hang out with. Go on solo trips away, explore a new place on your own. Spend time with family. Challenge yourself to do something you always dreamed of. Listen to music you love. Exercise and get out in nature. 

When I tried to talk to DH about it, he said he feels that since we only have the kids every other weekend, we can't really change their behavior, we just have to endure it.

If this is not the sh!ttiest form of parenting....I don't know what is. You don't have to endure anything. He's their father and needs to teach and model appropriate behavior that entails consequences when they don't act accordingly. With this type of mind frame, can you imagine what they will be like when they are teenagers? You have no idea what your future holds if you continue on this way. Your H lacks parenting skills and a spine to do anything about it....making excuses for poor behavior is unacceptable.

Now you both are moving 5 hours away and he wants to do this long drive.....smh....

I would of lost it if any kid or adult kicked my dog!! Especially if the father didn't reprimand his own kid!! 

So I also have 2 SS's 6 nearly 7 and 8 nearly 9. I've been with their dad just over 2 years and we have a 1YO daughter together. The boys have always been hard work (not to the extent yours are) but I could always see a bit of good in them. I know it's so hard but we have to remember they're just kids and most of their behaviour is learnt.

After 6 months of knowing the boys I had to take some time away from seeing them. We have them every other day so there's alot of tooing and froing. Anyway they started off brilliantly behaved and then gradually started pushing and pushing to see how far they could push me. The 8YO apparently has autism though I question whether it is more a environmental behavioural thing as there's no signs of autism when at ours now. 

I have had to work had and be very strict with rules routine and discipline when they are in our house after the 8YO threw a stool across the room hitting my dog (I was 5 months pregnant at the time and it terrified me). 

Anyhoo. They realised that no amount of tantruming or screaming at me hitting punching spitting would work with me and I wouldn't give in to their demands. Now they follow rules and have fun days out when they behave. Me and OH both agree on the discipline and punishment/reward. We dont shout and we don't hit them. For kids with aggressive nature, you can't teach them it's wrong if you shout at them. They are great on days out and relaxed most of.the time when we get home. Don't get me wrong they are still very stressful but boundaries and rewards work wonders. And days out as a family rather than sitting in and getting bored definitely reduce the problems. I hope they get better xxx

Until you understand, It's  really DH who needs a backbone first, before he can parent his kids.  He should take them to the hotel now.  Also have back up hotels in case of being thrown out of first one . 
 

Nothing is going to change until DH actually does something,  just be CAREFUL,  of BM saying she can't handle them and DH must take them full time. 

Wow that is horrible.  Get DH to counseling with you.  Recount this, make certain he knows you feel concerned this will someday (trust me it will if unchecked) escalate into violence against you.  Get that child into counseling if he likes it or not.  As for DH, either he works with you on this or I would disengage allright; from the entire marriage

because BM can't instill any boundaries. We? He does because he spawned. BM does because she spawned. YOU don't have to endure anything. You have no obligation towards those brats. You're not the mother as they probably duly point out to you. If at 9yo he talks like this and kicks objects, it won't get better. In fact any psychopath shows signs of cruelty to animals at early age. 

Why are you still in this and is that martyrdom worth it? Why does the DH think it's also your obligation to "endure it" when he does nothing to curb those behaviours? You're dealing with this voluntarily and he needs to create an environment that is tolerable for you to stay. He doesn't.

Boils my piss reading articles by those "single fathers" lamenting how hard it is to date and keep a woman when the brat is attached... Get the violins out, he's the single father and it's so hard for him, bla bla bla, how unjust those heartless bitches reject him and don't want to waste their time... usually  those spineless cunts are the problem and their permissiveness towards unacceptable skids' antics is the reason why women leave them. 

there needs to be a family meeting the next time the boys come over with rules, expectations, rewards and consequences, chore listn etc.  If your dh isn't going to buy into plan, I feel for you. Someone needs to be the parent. 

No excuse for a 9 yo to kick bathroom door for any reason. If dh doesn't step up.....leave when skids visit...go to inlaws, park, mall, anywhere. Dh needs a backbone.