Only been married 5 months and can feel myself becoming bitter
Hello!! First time here, and really I just need to vent. I'm a private person and don't talk to family and friends much about my marriage, but lately I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't get it out. This is going to be long. Sorry. Me and DH have been together nearly 2 years he has 3 boys ss11 ss9 and ss8 who we have eow. I have dd5 that lives full time with us and my two oldest dd13 and dd11 chose to live with their dad when I moved. They come during the summer and eowe.
I can feel myself dreading the weeks my ss come more and more, To the point I can't hide it anymore. I'm constantly asked why I'm in a bad mood or what's wrong and honestly I'm already tired of explaining myself, and nothing happening. I love these boys and try to treat them as my own. I do not discipline them and on the weeks they are here my house turns into a circus. They have their own rooms but they sleep in the living room. There's toys thrown around everywhere, at least 15 juice bottles laying around at all times. The tv is constantly on some kid show full blast. Wrappers, food, trash everywhere. Dirty clothes. Right now there's poop on the toilet I'm not cleaning off. The yard is scattered with trash. I was excited to plant a flower garden this year, and was scared they would get trampled so I put a small fence around it. My flowers got ripped out and the fence pulled up. I gave up. When they are here there is nowhere in my own house I can go to just have a minute. They run, scream, do whatever they want. All while dh lays in the middle of this on the couch with his face in his phone...not saying a word. I mentioned the trash in the yard yesterday. He said I'll get them out here to pick it up. Didn't happen. Mention dirty socks on the counter. He says I'm going to have to get on them for this, while taking the socks to the laundry basket for them and doesn't say anything. The other day they was throwing a hard object "playing frisbee" and dd5 got hit in the face. It blacked her eye and busted it open, luckily she didn't need stitches. Nothing was said about this either. She was in the wrong for playing with it also, but not a word was said to ss about the issue. Or that they broke said object off a new play set we had played a lot of money for, other than it can be put back on with screws. He did say something about dd backpack not being against the wall when he got home from work and I couldn't help but laugh.
Things wasn't like this at first. He would discipline them in the beginning, but since we've been married it has slowly turned into this. We've had several talks and he says he'll start doing this and that but never does. I refuse to watch them during summer. They are alone with me 15 minutes before school and after and that is all. They don't listen to me at all so I don't even try to watch them. Ss11 will pinch me, wipe spit on me, smack on me, literally pull strands of my hair out. I tell him to stop and he doesn't. Dh does nothing. I'm really starting to feel bitter about all of it and completely disrespected.
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Comments
Savages
They sound like savages.
Your DH isnt taking you seriously AT ALL.
Can you afford to leave - with your DD, just take off somewhere when they are there? Destruction of your flower bed almost made me cry, I love my plants. That would have been the last straw. Your husband married you to be a maid, and nanny, obviously. What a sweet gig. Just book a hotel room for the time they are there and escape, let him be the nanny, chef and maid. Maybey because you are there doing it all, he feels like its unnecessary. So step back and let him do the work, or suffer the consequences.
What I did, was if SD left something out, I would say something like "DH can you clean up your mess?" And either he would do it or tell SD to do it.
This sounds like the fnger in the exploding dam. Desperate situation calls for desperate measures. Go visit family EVERYTIME they are there. Get out EVERYTIME. Do not cook, or clean or do for them. If you cannot be the authority in your own home, then you are not responsible for anything either.
Sorry this is your honey-do phase instead of honeymoon phase.
The little savages are not YOUR responsibility - they are DH.
YOU are not the maid, nanny, chef, you are the wife. Time to leave it all up to DH to figure out.
Ugh. Amazing how everything
Ugh. Amazing how everything changes once they think you are "trapped".
Are you trapped? Do you work and are you able to support yourself?
Living in chaos like this is not good for you or your daughter. The stress will have very negative affects on your emotional AND physical health.
Have a very frank discussion with your husband about changes that are REQUIRED. If he refuses, then you know where you stand and can act accordingly.
To be honest, I can't see any
To be honest, I can't see any of this ever changing. Your DH doesn't seem to care about anything but his own comfort, and lying on the couch with his phone. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings. And there's already evidence that he's going to come down on your little DD if you complain about his kids.
Before I tell you what I would do in this situation, I have to ask - what are you getting out of this marriage? Is your DH the love of your life? Do you rely on him for financial support? Do you share a lot of common interests? Does your world light up every time he walks into the room? Also, did you move away from your older daughters to be with DH, or had you already moved?
Unless you are getting a whole lot out of this marriage, and couldn't bear the thought of not being with your DH (in which case I'd seek marital counseling, STAT, and hope against hope that DH could turn his kids - and himself, since he is the real problem - around), in your situation I would pack up and cut my losses before I dedicated more of my life to this chaos. I know that I could not live this way long-term, so really there would be no point in staying.
Currently I stay home. Dd
Currently I stay home. Dd just started school and I'm waiting on background check to start a job and I can't wait till it comes back. I do just feel like a nanny and maid. I'm tired constantly, even on weeks they aren't here. I'm snappy and short which is out of character for me. If things don't change I can see this going on much longer. I'm going to try to talk to him one last time when they go back. Our marriage is good other than every other week Fri-fri living in hell.
"Ss11 will pinch me, wipe
"Ss11 will pinch me, wipe spit on me, smack on me, literally pull strands of my hair out. I tell him to stop and he doesn't. Dh does nothing. I'm really starting to feel bitter about all of it and completely disrespected. "
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The very first time he hit or pinched you, you should have given him a good slap on the hand or butt.The first time it was done, he was testing the waters. The behavior continues because he knows nothing will happen.
There's nothing wrong with realizing that you were hoodwinked and walking from the house of horrors you are living in.
An 11 year old pinching you,
An 11 year old pinching you, wiping his spit on you, pulling your hair out is not acceptable. He is not a toddler. He knows better. Unless DH stops it, it will get worse as this child enters the teen years. Ask your DH if he wants to curb this behavior himself, or would he prefer you call the police the next time he assaults you.
And I do see and have told
And I do see and have told him this isn't ss fault its his for allowing them to be this way but everything goes in one ear and out the other. I do love him. But this is more than I can handle. I moved here before getting married and oldest dds didn't want to move to a rural area they love the city, their schools, and friends. Their dad is a great father and we get along good too so there's no issues there. They already went back and forth between houses the trip is just a bit longer
And I love greasy fried food,
And I love greasy fried food, but it does not mean it’s good for you.
A child is bullying you and your DH is condoning it, that’s crap!
How is your marriage good if
How is your marriage good if he doesn't care about what's important to you and allows your home to become a wild animal refuge every other week? These children are truly feral - do they act this way at their mother's home, too?
Get that job and make sure your finances are separate. I think he pulled a bait and switch on you.
Their mother passed around
Their mother passed around the same time we got married. They go back and forth with gma. They do not act as badly at her house that I know of. I do know that she buys them whatever they ask for no matter the cost. They have several new toys every week and complain because we don't do the same. I feel like they all trying to compensate for the loss of her but all they are doing is ruining them.
Thank you all so much. I
Thank you all so much. I really needed to talk about this.
Girl, I knpw exactly how you
Girl, I knpw exactly how you feel. When I first found this site I literally cried because I was so happy to find people that knew what I was going though was real. I fell victim to gaslighting and other manipulations that made me question myself.
Stay here for support! It really does help.
I can see why your older
I can see why your older children chose not to come live with you. If you are being abused and your H doesnt care it might be time to go. Run. Im in a bad situation too but not abused. I cant stand my skids but I leave. My kids are adukts on their own. Nothing to stop me from walkong out forr an hour, a day or days maybe a week sometimes
Get.out.
Get.out.
What advice would
What advice would you give if it was a friend in that situation? That normally tells you what you need to know.
My situation is nowhere near as bad as you but I am thinking of going things alone... my advice to any friend is try to be happy x