Rules during vacation time
I've taken all your advice to heart, and the last weekend was spent fairly disengaged. I felt 1,000 times better!
Now I'm asking, please, for some more advice.
This is the first year DH gets kids for more than 1 week in the summer, and that was usually spent at his parents' house.
So this summer we'll have them for a total of 4 weeks.
One kid is 9, one is 10. They have no chores when they are here on the weekends, other than making their beds, and one is incapable (roll eyes) of doing it without help.
Do I have a talk with DH ahead of time about starting to set up chores for kids, starting with weekend visits, or do I let the chips fall as they may? Either way, I'll be disengaging. I think he would give it some careful thought if I bring it up, but I feel like I'm frequently dissing his parenting skills. He's a very concerned and loving parent, but he's also a very guilty dad. And both my kids are grown, so I can look back and see what I would have done differently.
Any thoughts appreciated, thanks!
I think it's fair to let him
I think it's fair to let him know ahead of time that you are not planning to pick up after his kids when they come for 4 weeks, and leave it at that. He can decide what that means - he gives them chores, he gets a housekeeping service, he cleans up after them himself.
And stop being their maid on the weekends, if you are doing that. He can take care of their mess - just do the minimum you need to do to be sane (eg, throw stuff they leave around the house into their rooms).
Great
And I would talk to DH and come up with specific rules that HE will need to communicate with his kids. This is what we agreed on
1. They dont have to make beds, etc, BUT no food in room at night, all dishes, etc must go back to kitchen. Note, my stepkids do not have alcohol or drug issues, but as your kids get older, spell that out.
2. Common areas -- no shoes on couches. No dirty dishes in sink, they get rinsed and put in dishwasher. Every kid gets a day that at 9 (these kids are older) to empty the dishwasher and put away.
3. Sheets and laundry. I work FT. I get priority on weekends. You do your sheets etc during the week. If you have a favorite shirt etc you need, ask me, and I will put with my stuff. I am NOT doing 4 sets of sheets on my day.
If dad wants to do his kids work, fine by me. I would have same type rules with a roommate
You should talk more about what
These kids are going to do all day. You are not going to take care of them. So some type of all day camp for them. You normally have to book early for camps. They fill up fast. Baseball, Softball. Soccer type of camp. And how DH is going to drop them off and pick them up. Unless DH is taking four weeks vacation from work to take care of them.
Kids are there to see DH not for you to take care of them.
Pretty much what others have
Pretty much what others have said. Two summers ago I told DH that I was not able to be the maid, the cook, or the grocery shopper since I was the only one working away from the house and with a long commute (DH works from home most days). I also stopped helping arrange summer camps. After that one warning it was up to him and SDs.
Which of course became up to him because how could one give chores to pre-teen girls! I either get rid of stuff left out in my way or just retreat to room/outside. Don't cover for them! Don't talk about it! Don't nag, ask, remind. Set your intentions for yourself and stick to it. You pick up for them one time and you set it back by a month.
If you are pointing out facts
If you are pointing out facts and highlighting issues you are not dissing his parenting. You are pointing out facts and highligting issues.
Quit embracing guilt over facts. You have nothing to feel guilt over from what I can discern.
I say negotiate everything,
I say negotiate everything, even if it falls on deaf ears.
You don't have to say "I think your kids need chores at their age." Make it more like, "What would you think about trying out the kids on some simple chores? I was thinking maybe **** could take out the trash once a week and retrieve the cans after they're empty, and **** could load the dishwasher. What do you think?" You can tell him it might be good for them to have chores so you can reward them with a trip to an amusement park or something.
He probably won't commit when you bring it up, but the suggestion has the second function of letting him know where you think the kids should be, how you think those four weeks might go best.
You might be disengaged, but having two kids for a month will affect you so you have every right to weigh in. Because you're disengaged, he has every right to ignore you. But at least you are on the record with how you think the kids should be raised and what your expectations are. If the kids are there and it's too much work, you just stop doing the work.
This is an important time to get on the same page for summers to come. Be sure your husband at least knows how you think it should be handled. Too often we let the chips fall where they fall and then we try to negotiate when things are already bad. That's not how you negotiate from a position of strength.
I would hand DH a list of
I would hand DH a list of chores and tell him to select 5 hours of age appropriate activities from the list for each child. Tell him children in your home have chores and if they are there for 4 weeks they will have 1 hour of chores per weekday. And he will be the one to work with the Skids to teach them and get the chores done. It does not have to be a drudgery and can even be a fun thing if he handles it well.
I am 55 and to this day I love doing "chores" with my parents. Decking in attic space, hanging shelves in the garage with dad, moving massive rocks in the gardens, bulding water features and helping mom lay out quilt tops.
Don't get me wrong. When I was a kid chores were not my favorite thing. But I did them and eventually my family ended up making some of them activities that we did together. The chores part we may not have enjoyed but the together part we certainly did.
The ladies in my mom's clan have all lived well into their 90s. I have no doubt that since she had me young that I will be the only guy in he retirement home with chores since I will be in with my mother.
*unknw*
I would set out a list of
I would set out a list of expectations I have for DH. He can come up with what and how the kids will abide by those expectations during the holiday period and he will enforce it. If not, consequences...
I have a certain way I like things in my own home and I expect my son and SS to follow those rules. It is Sunday night here, and I am on my couch relaxing ... after a weekend with SIX teenaged boys in my home since Friday evening!! All visitors are gone to their own respective home now. Thank heaven! However, even for a short visit, rules were outlined to my own boys (son13 and SS18) and I expected them to make sure things went as I asked with their friends. And it very much did.
I will advise that if you are having any extra kids in the house you set rules -even if it is your stepkids. Speak up at the start and make your own expectations clearly known. Or else...
Yep, definitely bring it up
Yep, definitely bring it up in advance. Great suggestions up there ^^^. Waiting until they get there could be the difference between having a plan in place (chores, housekeeper, your DH cleaning up after them), 4 weeks of you seething inside because you're now living in a complete pigsty because there is no plan and your DH decided he didn't want to address the issue at all.