Advice on traveling with SD and DH (and his parents...)
Hi. This is my first post here. I'm an SM of just over a year. SD is 10, she likes me a lot. We have a good relationship. Her mother (not BM as she is adopted so I'm not sure what the abbreviation would be) cannot travel to developing countries due to health issues, so SD is coming with DH and I and his parents to South America, where she has lots of family excited to meet her. I'm nervous about traveling because SD is very clingy and cannot be left alone without constantly asking when so-and-so is coming back. For example, if I leave her with her dad to run errands for everyone, I hear that she kept asking about me even if I was gone maybe an hour or so. That seems sweet except I literally never get a moment alone when she's around. Once, I had a migraine and needed to lay down in the dark and DH and she insisted that having her next to me watching some awful kid movie would make me feel better and I was not able to adequately communicate that I actually need to not be bothered until the pain passes. They think her cuteness and pureness will smooth anything, but I've always been someone who needs time alone. Not all day every day, but I think especially when I'm not feeling well, I shouldn't have to be guilted into joining every activity they want to do.
Well, we're gone for 10 days and on 2 nights, DH and I have planned a couple dinners and her mother has already called expressing concern because SD thinks she will be left alone the entire trip when we'll actually be with her the entire trip (and I will have zero alone time) and we're just going out for 2 dinners while her grandparents show her their homeland and generally spoil her. She's close to the grandparents, so it's not like they don't have a good relationship. DH has warned me she will be very clingy to me. This is giving me anxiety about the trip. I'm expected to be this overly doting mother (and I don't consider myself a mother) but I'm also somewhat punished by DH if I voice my needs and he withdraws and withholds affection. So, I have to be this perfect mother without much say in how I would like things from time to time. I by no means want to dictate the trip, I just think someone should be able to explain to her that married people need time with each other as well and she'll have her family around her, excited to spoil her.
Any tips you have for me on carving out my own time without looking like the villain would be helpful. I'm excited to show her what international travel is like, but also looking to experience a little for myself as well.
That sounds awful. Why doesn
That sounds awful. Why doesn’t DH listen or care about your feelings?
DH has his own issues
Hi, tog_redux and thank you for replying. With regards to DH, he had a childhood where he felt neglected (parents had to focus on a special needs siblings) and so he says he didn't feel he got much affection. So, with his daughter, he wants her to get all the affection. In addition, she's adopted and he has this fear if she isn't shown enough love and support, she'll have an abandonment complex. She knows she's adopted. My parents died when I was in my early 20s, and my siblings are so much older (one is almost 20 years older) and we don't have a relationship, so I too was left alone a lot. Always needing to provide affection is not something I was raised with and while I do provide a lot, I need a break sometimes. He seems more concerned about making up for his childhood and also staving off this idea she'll feel abandoned.
In trying to make up for the
In trying to make up for the perceived shortcomings of his childhood, he’s going to inevitably teach his child that the world revolves around her. That you aren’t people in your own right, with thoughts, feelings & preferences of your own, but that you’re there to serve her needs, wants, preferences, etc.
In wanting to save her, he’s doing her an enormous disservice. He’s taking away her ability to become independent, which she will need as she becomes an adult. His ‘act of love’ will actually hinder her, whether he sees it or not.
Your feelings matter, you shouldn’t need to tiptoe around a child the way he expects.
How long have you been in
How long have you been in this relationship? This sounds really tough to deal with, especially her having to be with you despite you not feeling well. That is bordering on harassment if you ask me. Your DH needs to make it clear to his daughter that people need alone time. This is a healthy, important boundary for ANYONE in life. Just because she's adopted, doesn't mean she's immune to social etiquette. He is doing her more harm than good by making her think it's acceptable to infringe on other people's rights.
Approaching 2 years
Hi, sunshinex. We're approaching the 2 year-mark, and we got married a few months ago. We don't have her all the time, usually every other weekend. For the most part, I tell myself it's just a few days a month, but like that day I had the migraine, I still think I should be able to get the time to just rest. He will go the gym if he feels like it because he says he needs alone time when she's here.
I also work from home, so I think he assumes I'm well-rested. Truth is, I have a very stressful job, demanding, the kind where I didn't even have a day off around the holidays. So when I do get her on weekends, I'm already tired and need a break as well. Once, he had her stay for over a week because she was on break, but I was working and essentially I had to work and take care of her in between conference calls and presentations. He only took one day off when she was here that week so I was doing double-duty most of the time. When I try to tell him this isn't fair and you can't put childcare on me when I'm working, he gets really defensive and says things like "fine, we'll just leave for my parents then when she comes over and stay out of your hair." All I want is balance. I'm full on mom when she's here with all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, even putting her to bed and I often do it because when I speak up, I'm punished with this coldness so it's better just to do it myself. Except, this is causing some resentment in me. I just don't know how to make this more fair without making it an issue. I think it's better for her too if I'm not feeling overly put-on and therefore not as in a good mood as I could be.
Well, considering it's HIS
Well, considering it's HIS kid, "fair" would be him doing 95% of the child care and you helping out 5% of the time.
I find it astonishing that HE needs his "alone time", but you are supposed to allow HIS daughter to be up your butt 24/7.
Something is very wrong here, this guy is not a nice person. Please seek therapy to sort this out. Alarm bells are ringing all over the place for me about how he treats you.
I have a hard time believing
I have a hard time believing he doesn't know exactly what he's doing when he's cold to you for setting totally normal boundaries. This man is avoiding parenting by passing it off onto you and making you feel like a "bad" stepmom if you don't take over HIS job. He knows what he's doing.
ETA: When I have a headache, I go into my room ALONE and leave DH with SD7 and our 16-month-old son. If I've had a rough workday, DH will handle giving our son his bath while I rest in bed. This is MY child too, but DH steps up when I need a moment for alone time for whatever reason. And he's the one home with the kids all day while I'm working.
It's not normal for your husband to get breaks/time alone from his kid while you constantly have to be available to her. More than once, DH has told SD7 to knock it off when she throws a bunch of requests at me right when I get home from work. He tells her, without me having to say ANYTHING, that "sunshinex just got off work, leave her alone, you don't pester her with requests when she walks in, that's rude."
Whaaat? A month ago - on a
Whaaat? A month ago - on a kid weekend - I got sick. Like mild flu or a bad cold. I felt pretty bad. Guess what my SO did? Everything. I got up to help when I could. Remember - kid weekends include my own bio son.
I occasionally get migraines. Haven't had one on a HIS kid weekend, but have had them while my son has been around. Guess what my SO did? Everything. Even took my son out of the house. There is no way in heck he'd subject me to the noise of a kid movie while I had a migraine.
So this week we have the kids for school break for the first part of the week. He has to work for a bit. Guess what, I'll look after his kids while he has to work. I wouldn't say that he takes that for granted, but he has come to expect that I'll do that for him - he does check I'm free first. But he does it for me, too. After his kids are gone, I have a meeting but still have my son. I'll either dump my kid in his office or he'll work at home.
Yes, in a step-family good spouses look after each other's kids, but that should only happen if the consideration goes two ways (if you don't have kids yourself, they should be doing something else for you) and the understanding is that you're in charge and can discipline.
Thank you
Sushinex, your comment about how your DH tells your SD not to pester you with questions the moment you walk in is so what I want! I think it's healthy to teach kids boundaries. DH seems to resent me for not wanting to be a mother. I don't want bio kids, and am happy to be a stepmom, but she has two parents already and I don't feel like I should just be always available as a mother.
Thank you to those who suggested therapy. I've suggested this as well and he says it's really my issue, not us as a couple. I'm starting to worry about us, but also I want to be treated with more understanding and feeling safe that I can say no to certain things.
I'll definitely be on the site more. Thank you guys for listening to me and showing me that I'm not crazy.
From what I'm reading, you're
From what I'm reading, you're not trying to get out of stepparenting, you're trying to have normal boundaries that even biological parents have. That's why I mentioned that I take breaks from MY kid, too, if i'm not feeling well or I feel like I need alone time. When I get off work and I'm exhausted, my son wants all my attention so my husband will try and distract him while I make a coffee so I can function for the rest of the night. This is normal. It's OK to have moments to yourself, biological parent or stepparent.
And above that, it's ok for you to form your own relationship with your stepdaughter that isn't necessarily "motherly" but more of a friend/adult trusted person. But it sounds like you're motherly anyways, you just want the same respect and boundaries biological mothers are entitled to!
It's harder in a step-family,
It's harder in a step-family, but in an intact family parents say all the time that Kid X or Kid Y is driving them up the wall - and to get them away for a while. It's not seen as weird or unloving. Recently, on a kid weekend, I was able to say the two younger kids were getting on my last nerve. One of those was my own kid. OSS was being pretty good.
This is not normal
This is not normal, "...but I'm also somewhat punished by DH if I voice my needs and he withdraws and withholds affection." In a healthy relationship, one partner does not punish the other by withholding affection when the other partner voices their needs. There are lots of things in your posts that suggest he is controlling and that he treats you poorly. Please consider some therapy just for yourself so you can figure out why you are letting your DH treat you this way. Once you understand yourself, then consider some couples counseling. You deserve to be treated better.
Yes, his behavior just
Yes, his behavior just screams narcissism to me. He's cold and rejects her when she doesn't do what he wants, he expects her to love and care for SD because of HIS perceived neglect in childhood, his needs are important but hers are not only unimportant, they are offensive to him.
And his parents help him with this emotional abuse.
Yikes.
Next time he tells you "FINE I will go to my parents",,,tell him OK. -----
It is very hard to work from home.
Some men snap out of the "SM will be mommy now so I can just go to the gym, go to work, lay on couch and watch the Three Stooges, go out with the fellas". While your home caring for his child. Some women dont care and figure; he is paying for stuff, roof over my head and sex is good.
Some men dont snap out of it and it becomes worse. Some SM dont want to live like a unpaid, ill-treated nanny and leave.
Either you tell him 'no more' or you decide to stick with it and dont bring it up again. IT is really your desion.
DO not make your life, his decision anymore.
User/loser DH alert.
User/loser DH alert.
Thank you, everyone!
The trip has come and gone. She didn't cling to me once. She clung to her father the entire time. I didn't do very much for her. I'm glad I wasn't so involved, but also she clung to him so much I didn't get any time with him either. At the same time though, I'm glad he had to do all the work. She was a nightmare though, constant crying, complaining, would not eat anything, and this led her to cling to her dad nonstop. So, while those two had a rough time, I had a blast.
I've been suggesting therapy though as I can see we need help. He has issues he refuses to address. I'm already in therapy, have been for a couple years now to help with the adjustment of all this, and I continue at it. So, I'm working on myself and not trying to get out of stepparenting, I just think they spoil her by catering to her every whim and I think it's only fair that when she's in my house, my boundaries are respected.
Only time will tell. For now, I think I'm doing what I can.