Shaking I'm So Mad
I disengaged a few weeks and after a rocky start it was smoothing out ok. Then in a passive moment tonight when I had plans to go to store DH said SD16 needed to go too to get a sketchpad for school and I felt like I was put on the spot and she would have heard me say no and it would cause a big fight. So I took SD with me and DS8. (DS is homeschooled and we don't get out often.)
Thinking back and calming down a little I realuze now I should have said we planned on spending some time in the store. It just didn't come to mind to mention it. It shouldn't really matter because I'm an adult and can take as long as I want.
About 15 minutes after getting there SD asks for the keys so she can go sit in the car and wait. I gave her the keys and kept shopping with DS. About half hour to maybe 40 minutes later at the most I get call from DH asking me when we will be done because SD is waiting for me in the car. I was livid. SD calls her dad to tell me to hurry up? I texted him that its very rude to call me to hurry up because a kid, his daughter, called him to complain about me. I said it a bit different than that but it wasnt mean or anything. He says wants to get home so she can shower and go to bed. SD stays up until 1 am almost every night on her phone!
When we pulled in driveway I told SD that I decide when I'm ready to leave and when I told DH what I said when I got in the door he had a cow about how rude I am and out of line. I said I want to go to my mom's and he said I will have to walk. Then he said Typical of me and just like a 2 year old. Now he wants me to come inside because he doesnt like me outside on the front porch. I told him I will come in when I'm ready. I did tell him before I came out that even though I still feel the same about the issue i could have approached it differently. I held my tongue on wanting to say how i've dealt with this kind of crap for so long that its hard not to freak out about it anymore.
I know. Freaking out wont get me anywhere. I'm so tired of being careful and mindful of everyones feelings. Being assertive isnt being mean? Was I mean?
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Comments
No you weren’t mean. Your DH
No you weren’t mean. Your DH was out of line for throwing a fit bc his DD had to wait for you in the store. She decided to join you, at his request, but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate the terms of the trip. Perhaps next time you could be more clear about how long you’re going to be, but that still doesn’t mean that SD - a minor child - gets to call the shots.
At the same time, you should have told DH, not SD, that you decide when you leave. Leave the discipline & parenting to him. She may have called him to complain, but he is the one who gave her power by calling you to relay the message. He’s also the one who suggested she tag along in the first place. Leave SD out of it completely next time & take it up with the Disney daddee directly.
Thank you
I knew I was right to feel offended but something about how I handled it felt off. I'm so glad I have the people here for support but honest enough to tell me when i screw up and how to handle it better next time.
My skidult, stb 19 has not
My skidult, stb 19 has not lived with me for a few years but your post brought flashbacks. No, you didn't handle it wrong. SD could have come found you in the store if she wanted to shower and have her daddy read her Good Night Moon before nightie nights. She had a phone to call her daddy, surely she could have taken a few duck face selfies for Snapchat or whatever. She called daddy for him to force you to do her bidding. And the dolt did just that. What an a$$hole. He elevated her over you. Her being bored was more important than your plans, the needs of your son and your rights and freedoms as an adult. Please don't sit out in the cold ever again. I've done it many times... it reinforces their power over you. Go inside, sit where you want, do what you want and ignore them. Don't let them put themselves above you and your child. Hugs.
DH is in the wrong here - he
DH is in the wrong here - he shouldn't have scolded you on SD's behalf.
But honestly, you stomping out to go to your mother's (when you had no way to get there?) is kind of childish too.
Last time SD gets to sit in the car on her own.
Wow!
I’m just trying to think of my own mother’s reaction if she was busy shopping and I - at age 16 - told her I was bored and wanted to go home...I think at that age, she probably would have just ignored me, but she certainly would not have rushed around to finish her shopping to accommodate my boredom.
Your DH is allowing his child to set the rules in this situation, which is an upside down power dynamic.
Your SD decided to go on your shopping trip, that doesn’t mean she now controls the terms of the shopping trip. Also, you don’t need to indicate how long you’ll be. She asked to tag along, you let her, as a favor, meaning she needs to go along with your plans. You don’t ask someone to do you a favor and then dictate how they will rearrange their schedule to do said favor (BM and my MIL try this all the time and I have zero patience for it, they are just granted no favors).
Also, your DH should have said, “thank you for taking my daughter”, rather than getting mad that you wouldn’t accommodate her. He’s just raising a future BM to ruin someone else’s life by treating her like a pampered princess.
"DH, this is the last time I
"DH, this is the last time I do a favor for SD."
"SD, that was the last favor I will ever do for you."
And next time they ask, remind them of the above.
I think I've been through
I think I've been through this...bringing OSD with me then have her complaining. "SD, I will take as long as I need to. If you want to wait, go sit on the bench in the front of the store and wait." Then she ended up NOT getting some things she wanted.
Nope.
I gave up bringing her with me anywhere long ago.
He guilted you into it - you can say no. Ipsofacto has your response above moving forward.
Do you only have one car?
Cant he drive her?